by Ava Harrison
Through Her Eyes: A Novel
Copyright © 2016 by Ava Harrison
Published by AH Publishing
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form by any means, including photocopying, recording or by information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locations is entirely coincidental.
The author acknowledges the trademark status and trademark owners of various products, brands, and/or restaurants referenced in the work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Through Her Eyes
Cover Design: By Hang Le
Photographer: Jenny Woods
Interior Design: Champagne Formats
Editor: Chelsea Kuhel (www.madisonseidler.com)
Line Editor: Brenda Letendre, Write Girl Editing Services
Content Editor: Jennifer Roberts-Hall, Indie After Hours
Proofreader: Shawna Gavas, Behind the Writer
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Special Content
Prologue
Inhale
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Exhale
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Breathe
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
By Ava Harrison
About the Author
To the ones who helped me grow along the road to finding me.
Special Content
To receive the full experience of this story, please follow @ChasePorterPhoto on Instagram when prompted in the book.
I WAS A HORRIBLE person.
Truly.
But I had goals, and he didn’t fit into them.
I didn’t know how to take back the words I’d said. They filtered through my brain like a bad dream that I just couldn’t awaken from. Just when they started to slowly slip away, they resurfaced. Rooted so deeply in my psyche, there was really no place for them to hide.
If only I’d known the ramifications of my actions. If only I’d known how my decisions would hurt me beyond repair.
But at the time, I couldn’t let him halt my progress. I was so close . . .
“Are you in love with me, Aria? Do you want to be with me?” Parker asked, and my heart completely stopped. I had waited so long to hear those words, for him to see me as more than a friend.
“No. I don’t want to be with you,” I replied. Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie.
I didn’t just love him. It was so much more than that. So much more than love. He was my rock, my friend. He was the lifeline that ran through me.
At the time, I thought I had no choice . . . I thought he would be able to see that after everything I’d been through I needed to succeed. I needed to make up for the loss of my brother Owen. In the end, though, my decisions were always toxic.
Toxic to him.
Toxic to Owen.
Toxic to everyone.
“No, I don’t love you.”
Those were the last words he heard as he turned and walked away.
My heart tightened in my chest as the words replayed over and over again that afternoon. A record skipping that I just couldn’t turn off.
Then the phone rang.
Three words were uttered.
Three words that changed my life.
The phone slipped from my trembling hand, and I dropped to the floor.
I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t scream.
Cemented in place.
My shoulders curled in, and I clutched my stomach through dry heaves.
I’d lost my soul mate, and now I’d lost my future.
Everything I’d worked for crumbled, and it all no longer mattered.
Twenty-six days later
I STILL FEEL THE loss of his presence in every breath I take. The emptiness is unbearable. I’m not broken. I’m ripped in two. Severed completely. A blanket of darkness has been draped over me, and no matter what I do, I can’t see the light. I can’t remember the last time I felt whole. The moment Parker walked out of my life, I knew a part of me would be forever changed. At the time, I just didn’t know how much.
You can never really know how your life will be impacted when you lose a part of yourself. You think you know, but in truth, once a laceration starts to form, once your soul begins to tear, there’s nothing more you can do. What are the options?
Drown yourself in pity?
Drink yourself to oblivion?
Give up on your life?
And that’s where I find myself twenty-six days later.
Giving up on my life.
Starting a new one.
I’m swimming in a sea of color. Red, yellow, blue . . .
An endless ocean with no bottom.
Waves of people push past me like the rolling tides of a rough day at sea. The swirling of their bodies brings disarray. Faces come into focus, then distort as they slip away. Some linger like a strong gust of wind, others a soft caress, but the darkness brought on by the bodies is frightening to me. As if parts of me are floating. Being tossed around by forces beyond my control. This is my personal hell, and I’m scared. Scared of drowning and scared of who I will take down along the way.
After what seems like forever, I’ve broken through the crowd. A light sweat breaks against my brow. Quickly, I gather my belongings from security. I need to seek some refuge from the chaos. With two hours to kill, I make my way to the first class waiting area. An added bonus to my impulse purchase. Normally I wouldn’t splurge on a first class ticket, but when I called this morning it was all that was available. Against my better judgment, I’d reached into my pocket and pulled out my parents’ credit card and made the purchase. I hated giving them something to hold against me, but I couldn’t see any other way to leave this quickly. Luckily that was all I’d need from them, as I’d saved for years to pay for the rest of this trip I was supposed to take with Parker.
As I enter, I’m transported into what should be a calming atmosphere. Serene music plays gently over the speakers, but it does little to calm my nerves. The tingle in my chest is still present. What am I doing? At the time, this all made perfect sense. After another night in which sleep evaded me, I thought I knew what I was doing. This is what Parker would want. Now, sitting alone, rubbing the back of my neck to loosen the corded muscles, I wonder if I’d been rash. Maybe this wasn’t the right solution?
But how can I not leave?
How can I stand to be here anymore when he’s not with me? Staying in New York is no longer an option. I’m
being dragged down here. The demons that haunt my mind suffocate me. I’ve been living in a fog the last few weeks, my reality so far away.
Drowning.
Emotionally defeated.
That’s what I’m doing here in New York. I’m gasping for air while I wish for Parker to come back to me. This trip is my salvation. Like an eraser, I hope it will wipe away the previous twenty-six days and allow me to make it right.
My cheeks burn, and my shoulders slump forward. I know that one day the fog of my oblivion will recede, and reality will come crashing down on me, but that day won’t be today.
My cell phone vibrates in my pocket, and my jaw clenches. I pluck it out, slide my finger across the screen. Before I can even say hi, my friend Sophie’s voice echoes through the earpiece.
“I saw your text. What are you doing, Aria?” I purse my lips at her question.
“Looking for happiness. Trying to make it up to him,” I reply under my breath.
“You’re what?”
“I’m looking for something to make sense of the confusion in my mind. I don’t know. I can’t even breathe anymore. I need to find my happiness again and find myself. That’s what he would want. It’s just . . . how do I find happiness if I’m not sure where to look?”
“That’s the thing, Aria. You can’t find happiness. It’s not something you can walk into the grocery store and buy. You need to learn to love yourself and realize that some things are beyond your control. What happened with Parker isn’t your fault, and until you realize that, you will never find what you’re looking for. ”
“Easy for you to say. You’re always happy. Your life’s pretty perfect. I just . . . I can’t do this without him, Soph.”
“I know you miss him, but I don’t understand. How can you leave right now?”
“I can’t be here. You have no idea how hard it is to be here when I can’t talk to Parker. I just need to get away.”
“He’s not gone, Aria.”
“He might as well be. It’s not like he’ll talk to me.” I cast my eyes downward. My gaze lands at my feet as I let out an audible sigh.
“Have you told your parents you’re leaving?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think you should mention it to them?”
Hell no. The fact is, I’m afraid of her reaction. Being around my mom is like waiting for a bomb to explode . . . or implode. No, she won’t care. Her only love is the bottle. And Owen. But since he’s gone, she only has time for the amber liquid that brings her solace. And my father . . . he won’t even notice I’m gone.
“Why? It won’t change anything. I’m still planning to leave, and it’s not like they’ll care. It never concerned them where I was. Parker was the only one who gave a damn.” It’s a sad truth, but it’s my truth, unfortunately. Without Park, I have no one. As much as I love Sophie, our friendship is only a few years old. She doesn’t understand the history.
“I care,” she says, and she does. I know this. She just isn’t who I need right now. There’s only one person who can calm me, and he isn’t here to soothe my nerves. Parker would know just the right thing to tell me, the perfect joke to make me smile and if I started to cry, he’s the only person who would hold me just the right way to stop my tears.
“That’s different.” I lower my head and stare off across the floor. My vision focuses on a piece of lint. The need to mentally distance myself from this conversation takes over.
“How is it different?” she asks, pulling my attention back.
“Park was the only one here for me after Owen was gone. He brought me back to myself. He taught me how to breathe again. Without him, I can’t even exhale. I’m not sure how to do it again.”
There’s a pause on the phone line. All I can hear is the steady rhythm of Sophie’s breathing. “Where are you planning to go?” she finally asks.
“On our trip. The one he planned.”
“You can’t keep running away, Aria.”
“Don’t you see? I have to go. I can’t stand the uncertainty. I can’t stand the waiting to see what will happen. I can’t stand the fighting that’s going on here. I need to leave.”
“This is what you always do, Aria. When things get hard, you run. You did it in college when you avoided speaking to your parents rather than confront them for how they treated you, and you’re doing it now.” Her voice is serious, and I hate myself for putting that tone there.
“I . . . I just can’t be here, okay? Please support me on this,” I stammer.
“Is there anything I can do to convince you to stay?” She lets out a long breath that makes my heart lurch in my chest.
“No.” There’s nothing anyone can do to change this. Other than a miracle or divine intervention, I’m getting on that plane.
“Do you want me to come along?” There’s no mistaking the concern in her voice. I hold my breath, then let out a long, painful exhale.
“This is something I need to do alone.”
“Listen, babe, I know you’re sad, but you really can’t—” Knowing what she’s going to say, I cut her off before she can finish.
“I just feel so displaced in my life without him.”
“So you’re just up and leaving?” she asks. Placing my finger nervously in my mouth, I think of how I should answer.
“This is what he’d want. I feel like I need to do this to make up for . . . ”
“Make up for what?”
“Nothing. Plus, being here right now is tearing me in two.” I feel dead inside, but I don’t need to tell her that. That will only worry her more.
“And you think running away will fix that?”
“Yeah, I do. Parker always said I needed to do this, so I am.”
“Aria, I don’t think that’s what you need. I think you need to see someone. Talk about your emotions. I don’t think traveling around Europe will help you.” She’s probably right, but then I have to admit what I did, and that isn’t going to happen.
“I love you, Sophie, but nothing you can say will change my mind. I’m getting on this plane.” I smile weakly to myself. It’s true—nothing will change that I need to do this. If not for me, then at least I’ve got to for Parker.
“Will you promise to call me, at least? I’m freaking out that you’re doing this.”
My shoulders tense, and I knead my temples. I have to tell her, but I can’t think straight.
“I’m actually considering going off the grid for a while. I need to get away from everything here, and I don’t think having constant updates will help me.”
“That’s insane! Have you lost your mind?” She’ll never know how lost I am. I don’t even think it’s possible to make her understand how I feel. This is the only option.
“Yeah. Yeah, I have.” My voice cracks into the phone.
“I’m so sorry, babe. That was insensitive. Just . . . please, Aria. What if something happens? Won’t you want to get back? Please can you just check in? Check your texts. Okay?” she pleads, and I know she’s right. I have to check in just in case there’s any news. I have to keep in contact. It’s only right to reach out to Sophie. Ever since I met her in college, she has been there for me. Through every fight with my mom and every tear I shed over Park. The least I can do is keep her from worrying too much.
“You’re right, I’ll send the occasional text checking in. It might not be every day, okay? I need some time to quiet the voices wreaking havoc in my brain. I have to try to find me.” I’m not completely sure how I hope to accomplish this, but I need to get away and change something, and at least this is a start. “But I promise to check in.”
“That works for me. Also, can you promise me you’ll be safe?” I think I can hear her sniffle in the phone.
“I promise. Of course I will be. It’s not like I’ll be staying in a shady youth hostel like in one of those horror movies where they kill all the tourists.” I laugh, an attempt to lighten the mood, but it comes out spotty as I hold back the tears threatening to ex
pel. “God, I just wish he was coming with me. This was his plan.” The thought of going alone terrifies me, but as Parker often told me, ‘Sometimes you just have to face your fears.’ This is what he’d want, so I’m going to do it.
“I know, honey. It will be okay. You will be okay.” I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again. A person can only break so many times before they can no longer be mended. But still, a sliver of hope lives within me, or I wouldn’t be setting off on this trip.
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
“Okay, I have to get going, Soph. I’ll keep in touch and please if anything at all happens. If I need to come home for any reason, text me and I’ll get on the first plane. Okay, I do have to run. Love you.”
“I love you, too,” I hit the end button. I reach into my oversized carry-on bag and pull out the New York City postcard I bought in the gift store. Growing up, Parker and I always sent postcards. When I was away at camp, I waited for them to arrive. Tales of his summer travels around the globe . . . Going on a safari in South Africa, hiking the Andes, and dancing in the streets of Rio during Carnival. The list went on and on . . .
Parker and I lived very different lives. While he traveled the world with parents who doted on him, I did not. After my brother’s death, I was ignored. Shipped off to camp. My mother was shipped off to a posh “spa” to dry out, and my father lost himself in running his empire. So, I collected postcards over the years from far off places I could only ever hope to travel to.
I pull out my pen and write.
Dear Park,
I know you won’t speak to me, but I wanted to tell you I’m leaving. I can’t stand the uncertainty, the not knowing. I feel like I’m suffocating. I lied to you when I said I didn’t love you. I do love you. I was just too scared and not strong enough to admit it. But I’m going to change that. I’m going on our trip to learn to be the person you love. Two nights in London, then off to Castello Del Nero. Exactly as we planned. I know this is my fault, but I hope one day you can forgive me.
Yours always,
Ari
I rock back and forth as I clench the postcard between my fingers. It slips from my trembling hand as a scene from so long ago plays before me.
