by Ava Harrison
“If you wouldn’t mind, I would love to look over the pictures you took. I saw a few of them, and they are remarkable.”
“I would love to show you the pictures.”
As we eat breakfast, Chase has the computer on the counter between us. He pulls up his website. I have looked at it many times before, but always alone . . . always wondering what each one meant. What he saw when he looked through the lens? What he sees now? I know what I see. I see a lost little girl who finally found her place in life. I peer in close and signal for him to click on the header labeled My Air. All the images from our trip pop up, each with its own title. Some with quotes, others with passages. I take in the first one, an image I’ve never seen in the endless hours I spent looking at his work these past few days.
Toxic
#ThroughHerEyes #Toxic
We just have to be happy in the moment. Never regret anything you’ve done.
Under the picture is a small passage.
How can you know what you want for the future if you can’t check off the mistakes you made in the past? No matter how toxic, all mistakes are a lesson.
It’s an incredible picture, taken on our last day in Positano. Right before everything went so wrong. My image is captured in black and white, and it appears there is almost a halo above me.
“Chase, that’s incredible. How did you make it look like that?”
“It’s the shadows from the light.”
“It looks magical.”
“Seeing the world through your eyes, that was magical. It was a beautiful, yet sad experience. You had no idea how amazing you were. But watching you learn, that was the greatest gift I’ve ever received.” My cheeks warm, and I can feel a smile forming.
“How about this one? Look at my smile.” As I continue my perusal, I notice more blog entries with quotes. I remember Chase saying he wrote sometimes, so I wonder if these are his words.
“You are everywhere to me. I see you in the first crackling light at dawn and all the way to where the sea touches the sky.”
“Did you write that?” He nods, studying my expression. My eyes mist. “It’s beautiful, Chase. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” We become silent as we admire his pictures. How far I’ve come. How much I’ve grown. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes you are too blind to see what that is, but what I realize is the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it. Now it has given me Chase. My heart flutters in my chest at the discovery.
“Chase, I think I’m ready to finally let go.”
MY FIRST STEP IN moving on is facing the biggest obstacle I’ve had my whole life. After checking the mobile app to locate my Zipcar rental, Chase and I begin our trek up to Westchester. When we pull up to the sprawling green lawn that fronts the giant white Georgian Colonial I grew up in, my whole body tenses. Large windows stretch across the front façade. As the car comes to a stop, Chase takes my hand in his. The soft pads of his fingers caress mine.
“Do you want me to come in?” he asks. Our eyes lock, and I give him a little shake of my head.
“No, I think I need to do this alone.” He nods with understanding and squeezes my hand.
“I’ll be right here if you need me.” Opening the door, I step into the summer heat. Each step I take is hesitant. As I place my key in the door, it clicks once and opens. Squaring my shoulders, I hold my head up high and walk in. I find my mother and father in the living room to the left of where I stand.
“Wow, look what the cat decided to finally drag in,” she slurs, and I’m not surprised to see a glass in her hand. Regardless of the time or where she is, it’s a fixture. I see what Sophie must have seen in me when I hit rock bottom. Remorse fills me, but I don’t have time for regret. I might have hit rock bottom, but I pulled myself back up, learned to accept myself, flaws and all.
Inhale
Exhale
Breathe
“Mom. I’m not here to fight with you. I came to tell you and Dad . . .” I turn to face my father. “That I’ve decided to not work for you. I’m sorry, I know you expected me to, and I know maybe I didn’t go about this the right way, but after doing some soul-searching, I’ve realized this isn’t the right place for me.”
“Why am I not surprised? You never were your brother,” she hisses. She waits for her comment to cut me, to make me falter, but it doesn’t. What she doesn’t realize is I’ve come too far to take a step back. Her words no longer have any power over me. I’m too strong for that.
“You know what, Mom, just stop, okay? I get it. I’m not Owen. But you know what? That’s okay. I’m done living in his shadow. I lost the most important person to me because I couldn’t see what I had. I’ll never make that mistake again. I will never try to alter myself for someone else.”
“Altering yourself will ne—” My father raises his hand and cuts her off.
“Very well, Aria. If that’s what you’ve decided,” he concedes with a slight bow of his head.
“Don’t come crawling back when you fail,” my mother cuts in with a wicked smile plastered on her face, and I turn away. I don’t wait for her to continue on her drunken tirade. I don’t need her approval, and I realize I never did.
“You know what? I don’t need this.” I walk toward the door, taking quick steps across the Brazilian cherry wood floors in the foyer.
“Aria,” my dad’s voice echoes. I halt my steps. I use the handle on the door to brace myself. My body trembles as I wait for him to speak. I hear his footsteps as he walks closer to me. “Will you please turn around, Aria?” Slowly, I face the man who, for my whole life, has been vacant.
“Why are you even bothering, Richard?” My mom’s voice shrills from a few steps behind him.
“Enough, Victoria. This is between my daughter and myself. If you could please give us a minute,” he says through gritted teeth, and she seems to sense his displeasure. Her face pales as she steps backward and exits the room.
“I’m sorry about your mother,” he mutters and takes a step closer to me. My eyes widen. Did he just apologize to me? His brow furrows. “I know that must surprise you, but I really am sorry, Aria. I know—” He runs a hand through his salt and pepper waves. “I know I haven’t always been the best father. I never stood up for you. I’ve never been there for you. I know it’s not an excuse, but losing Owen changed me.” I stand speechless in front of him. My heart pounds in my chest. Is this really happening? Is he really seeing me, talking to me? I’ve waited so long for this recognition, I want to pinch myself, make sure I’m not dreaming. “I just wanted to tell you, today. Your decision . . . I’m proud of you. I don’t deserve your forgiveness after allowing your mother to abuse you for so long, but I promise that will change. I know she needs real help, and I’m ready to admit I never got that for her. I promise that I will.”
“What . . . I don’t understand. Why now, Dad?”
“You disappeared. I realized I spent so much time grieving Owen, that if I wasn’t careful I could lose you, too.”
“I . . . I,” I stutter. I’m not sure how to respond.
“You don’t have to accept my apology. I just want you to know that I understand things have to change, and I promise I will try. I want to try to build something with you. Do you think . . . do you think that maybe . . .?” His eyes are filled with so much emotion—pain, fear, regret—and as much as he might not deserve my forgiveness, he’s my father.
“Yeah, Dad. I think I can try,” I manage through choked back tears. The corner of my mouth curves up. “Goodbye, Dad.”
“I’ll speak to you soon?” he asks hopefully, and I nod. For the first time, I know we’ll be fine.
As I return to the car, Chase raises his eyebrows, and I smile. That’s all I have to do, because he knows me.
“You ready to go?” He places his left hand on the steering wheel and shifts the car into drive. “One more stop first, okay?” His head dips down with understanding as we pull out of the circular drive. A quar
ter of a mile up the road, Chase turns left and pulls into the home that held so many memories for me. Together, our hands encased with one another, we ring the doorbell.
The door swings open, and Mrs. Stone stands before us. She throws her arms around me and then does the same to Chase. Tears stream down her face, and she doesn’t speak, simply allows us in.
“Hi.” My voice sounds sheepish, and her eyes glisten. “We were over at my parents’ and I wanted to . . . can I have . . .” I swipe at the moisture on my cheek. I didn’t even realize I was crying. Parker’s mother shuts her eyes and nods. Her hand still clutches mine as she wordlessly tells me she understands why I’m here.
I’m not sure how long we stand by the door, but eventually I pull my hand from hers and gesture for Chase to follow me. When we finally inch open the door to Parker’s room, my breath hitches. There it is: the map. Every dream we ever had. Every destination we never saw, and I know what I have to do. Not just for Parker but for myself.
“There are still a lot of places to be seen,” I say to Chase. His eyes squint, and he moves closer to take in all the locations highlighted with a yellow thumbtack.
“Where should we venture off to first?” My head tilts and then one pops out at me. I remember Parker saying he couldn’t wait to explore Base Torres Del Paine . . . Chile. The only place you can experience four seasons in one day, baby girl. I let out a chuckle and point to the map.
“Agreed. That’s where we’ll go.” Chase starts removing the pins but replaces the marks with colored ink, each shade symbolizing the pin it replaces. As my hands pulls at the tape keeping it affixed to the wall, I try my best to keep it intact. There are a lot more adventures left to conquer.
AFTER LEAVING PARKER’S HOUSE there is one more stop to be made.
Inhale
Exhale
Breathe
Every breath you take is one step closer to moving forward. Holding Chase’s hand, I move my way toward the last bit of closure I need. A shadow looms over us. Streams of light flicker in through a canopy of clouds. The foggy haze begins to lift, and I turn my head toward his. Our eyes meet, his lips part. He gives me a knowing nod and squeezes my hand gently. It’s just a small reminder that he’s here, but it’s enough for me to stay my path. On our way up to the destination in front of us, we pass a mass of trees that darken as the sun drops back behind the clouds. Only a few more steps. I can do this.
I step forward and stare at the headstone. The gray marble with etched words I never thought I would see stares back at me. Tears well in my eyes, and I turn to Chase. “Sometimes I miss him so much I don’t know how to breathe. He was your best friend. How do you do it?”
“All you can do is own your pain and grow from it. Remember, sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in your life. Sometimes they are meant to pass through and teach you about yourself. You can do this, Aria. You are stronger than you ever thought you could be.” He squeezes my hand in his, then steps onto the path, allowing me time alone with Parker. My Parker.
He was all the great parts of me. When I was alone and struggling to find my way, feeling unloved, he loved me. If he could love me, I know I’m worthy of being loved.
“I miss you every day. You were my rock, my shoulder to cry on. You were my strength when I had none. You were the very best parts of me, and I will love you always.” In the grand scheme of life, I’d only known him a brief second, but that moment of my life would last me until the end of time.
“When I think of the short time we had together, I don’t regret anything except that I never told you I loved you, because I do and always did. Chase says you knew that. That you always knew how I felt. I pray every day that’s true. I pray that you did know what you meant to me. What you will always mean to me. You made me change my perspective. You opened my eyes, and I thank you for that.
“I want to thank you for coming into my life and teaching me about myself. I want to thank you for every time you held me and put me back together. For loving me and teaching me, many years ago, that my grief will eventually fade and what’s left behind is a beautiful memory to always cherish. I’d forgotten that lesson. Chase has reminded me. Letting someone go isn’t a sign of weakness, but rather it’s the mark of strength.
“I will always be yours, Parker. You’ll always own a piece of my heart, but it’s time I move on. I’ll never forget you, and I know it would make you happy that Chase brings me peace. With him, I’ve finally found the piece of me that was missing. We’ve decided to give us a try and see where the road takes us. So after long consideration, I’ve decided this will be my last postcard. Not because I don’t still love you, but because it’s time for me to move on. I’ll celebrate you and honor you in every breath I take for as long as I’m blessed to take it. Thank you for giving me your heart. I will never let it go. I will keep it with me forever.”
Dear Park,
All the things I never said to you—I could fill one million cards with all the words and missed moments between us. But I know you’d never want that. Before I say goodbye, I want to tell you that you were right . . . about everything. Thank you for that. Everything I learned on this journey was because of you. You believed in me before I believed in myself. I’ll cherish all the memories I have with you until the end of time. You’ll live in my heart forever. I never had time to tell you that I do love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you.
Yours,
Ari.
The greatest journeys in life are those not planned.
THE LAST HALF OF a year has passed quickly. Right after saying good-bye to Parker, Chase was asked to do a photo shoot in Portugal. He wanted me to go with him, and at first I was hesitant. I mean, I was still trying to find my place in the world, but then I realized maybe this was my place. After a lengthy discussion in which I shared my travel desires with him, we decided to give it a go. We researched day and night for the first few weeks and soon learned that certain brands and multiple tourism boards paid for exposure, and then we discovered that restaurants and hotel chains were constantly vying for photographers to shoot their products, stay at their hotels, and even eat their food. With a large enough Instagram and blog following, you could earn a living leveraging your follows, as well. So we decided we would travel together. I’d report from our locations, and he would shoot the pictures.
It was everything I dreamed of from a job perspective, and more than I could dream of from a personal one. Every day for six months, we discovered new treasures and fell in love a little more. Every minute we were together was monumental, but even the moments that seemed inconsequential were equally important because we were together. Life was good, and even things with my parents were starting to improve. Dad and I kept in touch. We were working hard to mend the distance between us and mom was finally getting the help she needed. I had faith that in time we’d be able to form some sort of relationship.
He pulls me into him, and the movement makes my loose strands of hair flow against the wind. He begins to snap his camera. I cherish these images most of all. They are intimate, beautiful, and ours.
“There’s something about towering peaks and deep valleys that inspire me.” His breath tickles my neck and makes tiny goose bumps awaken across my flesh. He’s right, the view is spectacular. I can see the sun set on a distant horizon. The only place you can see all four seasons in one day.
These days I’m often in constant awe of the beauty that surrounds us. Chase has given me the gift of seeing the splendor around me, and now I can’t turn it off. Not that I want to. Snowcapped mountains span the distance. They fade into the horizon, making a path toward the heavens. I feel as if I can touch the sky. Heaven is only a fingertip away
“This is what happiness is.” My lids close and the sun lightly tickles my face. “This is peace.” He lowers the camera and I turn to face him. Peering up into his eyes, once again I lose myself in his mesmerizing gaze.
“You steal the breath from my lungs, Aria. You l
ike this . . . it’s what I’ve been waiting for. You’re truly remarkable.” He pulls me into his embrace. His touch is comforting, warm, and tender. “If I were drowning, I would want you to be my last breath of air.” His gaze never wavers as he speaks his poetry to me, the depth of his blue eyes endless like the sky.
“What are you looking at, Princess?” His nose crinkles as his eyes peer down at me.
“How beautiful you look.”
“Beautiful?”
“Yes, Chase Porter. You’re beautiful. Your heart, your love. You healed me one broken piece at a time.”
“You were never broken, just a bit cracked.” His hand reaches out to stroke my cheek.
“You’re really good at loving me,” I say as I give him a lopsided smile.
“Loving you is the easy part.” His lips descend, and he places a delicate kiss on my lips.
It’s funny to think of how far I’ve come. The change was so gradual I barely noticed it, but before I knew it, like a masterpiece from yesterday’s past, he had etched himself into my life.
When I set out six months ago for Italy, I hadn’t planned to fall in love, but life doesn’t always play out the way you expect. Chase taught me how to fall in love. He taught me how to fall in love with me.
“I’m out of my mind in love with you.” He peers down at me as I speak, his long eyelashes blinking rapidly.
“Good to know, Princess. Because to me, you’re the sun, you’re the moon, you’re the stars in the sky. To me, you’re everything.” His eyes sparkle as his lips turn up, the right side a bit higher than the left to bring on the smirk I’ve loved since the first time we met. His fingers touch my jaw, and he gently tilts my chin up. His mouth covers mine, and I sigh into his breath. Like coming home. Kissing Chase always feels like I’m coming home.
“Nothing can be more perfect than this.”
“I love you, my beautiful girl. This is the beginning of our latest adventure. Only time will tell where this journey is headed, but I’m excited to find out.” My weight softens against him. The future might be unknown as it’s not yet written, but mine is crystal clear. Everything is in focus.
