by Kristie Cook
I take a deep breath and then laugh. Yet another thing Fate has mapped out for me. My conscience isn’t even my own. Granted, it’s one of my best friends, who’s always understood me, but still …
Yeah, I know, he says, sympathetic. But, Chloe— you don’t have to let all of these define you. They’re like … jewelry, really. All of these things just add embellishment to who Chloe Lilywhite really is.
I laugh. I don’t wear jewelry much, remember?
Caleb laughs, too. Poor analogy, I guess. But the point is—it’s all up to you over who you’re going to be. Who you are now. No one has say over that, not Fate, not me, not Jonah, not anyone. Just you. By the way, I’ve been so proud of you this last year. You’ve really grown up, taken ownership of your craft and your direction.
Jonah comes out onto the patio, sits down next to me. “Mind if I ask what you’re thinking about?” he asks, pulling a blanket over my lap. “Something has you pretty surprised right now.”
I’m unable to tell him about my most recent revelation concerning Caleb. So instead, I tell him how I’ve been thinking about Karl and Moira’s little girl. Her name is Emily, and it turns out, as a Faith, she’s not being slated for either the Guard or the Council, much to the surprise of everyone involved. At first, I thought both Moira and Karl would be disappointed their little girl wasn’t going to be a warrior like they are, but they surprised me. They’re thrilled, ecstatic even. And as I’ve watched these young parents adore their baby, I can’t help but think this is the right way to think about things.
Take the punches and roll with them. Because honestly, sometimes you don’t have a choice.
When I’d finally come back to Karl’s apartment, I found a note waiting for me:
C -
I’m heading back home and by home, I mean Maine. There are a lot of things that I need to figure out for myself, by myself, and I won’t be able to do it in California. Know that I don’t regret coming here for one second. I’d do it again, no questions asked. I will always be here for you if you need me—please remember that. But if it’s okay, I’d like to try for that space we talked about before. I know I said I’d like it to start when we moved to Annar, but I’m thinking now is a good time. It’s best for everyone.
You asked if we would be something important to one another. I want that. I expect it. It’s just going to take some time. I can’t give you a timeline, because I’m not there yet.
Take care of yourself -
Kellan
I read it twice before handing it over to Jonah. After reading it, he said, “I’m glad Kel was here for you this week.”
I’d sighed and sat down on the bed. “I owe him a lot of apologies.”
“He won’t want to hear them,” Jonah said, sitting down next to me. “Just give him the space he’s asking for, because that’s what he needs.”
“What will happen between the two of you?” I asked, staring down at the note. It was just a piece of white paper, the message written in plain black ink. It could’ve been anything, really. But it wasn’t—it was something more. It was Kellan finally doing what I hadn’t been able to.
And it made—makes—me so sad.
“Things will be fine between us,” Jonah had said. “He’s my twin and my best friend. We need each other no matter how much we may fight.”
“Are you still mad at him?”
“No. I was—I was really angry, so much so that I even wished our link together would break at one crazy point. But that’s gone now. I rationally know that, despite everything, his heart was in the right place. I can’t be mad at him for that. I love him. He’s my other half.”
When it comes time to go back to California, Jonah and I face a few uphill battles based on some agreements we’d come to. The first is with Karl when I tell him I don’t want him to follow.
“School is out in about a month, and then I’ll be moving here,” I inform him and Moira. “I think … a month is a long time to be away from your daughter. What if she smiles and you miss that?”
Emily is in my arms, all sleepy and perfect. They’d surprised me this morning by asking me if I’d like to be her godmother. Heck yeah, I would. And I’m going to do everything I can to look out for this little girl, including, if need be, going to war with her dad to make sure he’s around for all her firsts.
Because these are new parents, barely adults themselves. And maybe Karl has too many responsibilities on his plate at way too early of an age, but I know he and Moira will be truly involved in Emily’s life, more than my parents have been in mine. Karl’s shown me that over the last year with just how well he’s taken care of me, an ignorant girl who is now much more comfortable with her craft and mindset thanks to his guidance.
He’s going to be the best kind of dad.
And then Jonah and I call Giuliana and dismiss her in a similar way. The Council and the Guard argue vehemently, even haul us in one of their closed-door sessions, but we stand our ground. One month—that’s all we’re asking for. In a little over a month, we’re going to have to give our lives over completely to Annar and its expectations. I want this last month. We both do—our equivalent of a summer, to enjoy the last fleeting moments of freedom, of feeling like the kids we’ve never really gotten to be.
The Elders have been silent since the attack on Annar. I know that doesn’t mean anything. They’ll come for me sooner or later. And I’ll have to be ready for them.
In the end, we manage to convince the Council that we’ve proven, over the course of the year, that we’re capable of taking care of matters ourselves. Reckless as some of our decisions may be, both of us helped ensure the safety of others. And this ends up being enough to grant us thirty days’ reprieve.
I deviate from my expectations, from the requirements and plans that everyone else has for me. I alter my road.
Cora comes alone, as requested, to pick us up at the entrance of the woods. Halfway home, she tries to apologize to me for our fight the day I left.
“I get where you were coming from,” I tell her, and the thing is, I do. It’s all about risks when it comes to love. And Cora loves me. She really does. She’d done what she thought was best. It wasn’t, though, but I won’t hold it against her. Because when push comes to shove, I’ll be there for her, too, trying to do what I think is best.
She surprises us by admitting she and Raul Mesaverde are dating. I’m ashamed that I’ve been so self-absorbed these last few months to not have figured this out. Cora shrugs it off, happily explaining how their awkward, if not endearing, courtship occurred, starting with his first initial visit as my personal Guard to where he babied her back to health in the hospital following her attack to where they decided, while Jonah and I were imploding over the last week, that time is short and love is great. And they took a risk, and now my Cousin is acting like a fool in love, and it’s a beautiful thing to see. I don’t point out that he’s older, or how I’ve been told repeatedly that he’s a player, because none of these things matter, not when you’re in love.
chapter 57
I begin to think about the links people have, the ones I have, and of how they tie us together even when the entire concept of the bonds are inexplicable. The four of us—me, Jonah, Kellan, and Callie—are linked together by a series of complex threads which are utterly confusing and heartbreaking all at the same time.
Over the last year, I’d repeatedly hurt both Jonah and Kellan with the feelings I have toward the other. They’ve hurt me. Jonah had hurt Callie, and Callie, in turn, had hurt him. I can’t wrap my mind around any of this—and, in order to move forward, I need to know why.
So I break down and place a phone call one afternoon to the regional Seer, one who has nothing to do with any of us. I’m not going back to Astrid; it wouldn’t be fair.
Ronald Violethill is an eccentric hippie who lives about an hour south. I meet him outside his small cottage, surrounded by riotous roses and camellia buses. He’s on his front porch, wearing rainbow suspend
ers, a carrot-colored beard, and smudged glasses. He smells like patchouli incense.
“Chloe Lilywhite,” he drawls, sticking a pudgy hand out for me to shake. It’s a firm grasp, confident. He motions for me to have a seat next to him. “I have to admit I was a little surprised at getting your call. Lemonade?” he asks, pointing to a glass pitcher sitting on a white wicker table in front of us. I glance out into the yard and spot a lemon tree. He notices this. “I cheat,” he admits. “I get a Nymph friend of mine to occasionally come and coax the tree to be happy in this climate. Northern California—not the most favored location for citrus, you know, especially this close to the coast.”
I smile and sip my drink. It’s delicious—tart and sweet at the same time.
“Summer’s my favorite time of year,” he says, settling back on the wide, comfortable bench. “There’s a lot of opportunity for escape, for those moments where life just lets you coast along the river, free in your inner tube.”
I swirl my glass so the ice cubes clink together. “Is there ever really a moment where a Magical gets to do that?”
“Sure there is. I know it’s standard issue to say our lives are just a series of set expectations, but I don’t buy that crap. We’ve got our roads, and there is a start and a stop that everyone shares: birth and death. But in between … Yeah, there are lots of things for us to stop and see. Lots of little places to wander off the path and experience something new. We always keep going forward, though, because the end destination is the same. But it doesn’t mean you have to do it in linearly. Who’s to say the road can’t be crooked? You’ll come to that end no matter which way you head—we all die, just the same.”
I laugh quietly. “My parents would definitely disagree with that.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised. See, it’s been indoctrinated into us that this is the way it has to be. But it’s not. You even just sitting here with me right now, when the expectations on you are so heavy and great—well, I think it shows how you’re going to be an exception yourself.”
“Yeah?”
“Hey, look. I’m no dummy. I know you’ve already seen Astrid Lotus. I mean, that’s big time—people who go to see her? They’re big-time path followers. Me? I’m just an old hippie, ready to tell everyone that life is what we make it. That even though you’re a Creator and Council bound, and you’ve got the Connections you have, it doesn’t mean you can’t stop and see those sights. So, I’m thinking, because you’re sitting here, maybe you’re ready to do things a little differently. Cool. Now—you’ve got some questions about those things, those paths.”
Already, I feel less suffocated. “I do.”
“And you’re specifically looking at the Connections you have to the loves of your life.”
“Yeah,” I sigh quietly.
Loves. Plural. I know enough from my recent experiences to now accept this as truth.
And he tells me. Sitting on that porch, smelling those roses and drinking that lemonade, he finally explains to me why things are the way they are.
I don’t go straight home. Instead, I head to the nearest beach and lounge in the sand, watching the local surfers cut through the waves. I call Jonah, telling him I’d be home late. And then I dial another number.
It takes seven rings before being answered. And just the sound of his voice makes my heart twist, especially with all the new knowledge Ronald has just given me. “I know you want space,” I tell Kellan, “and I want to give you that—but do you maybe have a few minutes to talk to me?”
There’s a pause, and then the sound of a door closing. “I never could say no to you, C. I probably won’t start now. Where are you?”
“I’m at a beach, watching the surfing.” I am ridiculously nervous all of a sudden. So I find myself babbling a bit. “I went to the regional Seer—he lives down the coast a little bit. There’s a really nice sunny beach here, sort of warmer than the one locally. Some people even dare to go without wetsuits.”
“Sounds nice.”
“You been surfing at all lately?”
“Yeah, went today. Thinking about maybe going on a trip soon, somewhere even sunnier than where you are now. Maybe try some really big waves, the tow-in kind, right out in the middle of the ocean. Would be a good experience, a good place to lose myself.”
Or find himself. It makes me think of the deviations that Ronald talked about, how these little experiences can alter us in small ways.
“You should do it,” I tell him.
There’s a pause. “So. Why the trip to the Seer?”
The moment of truth. No turning back now. “I asked him to have a look at some things, maybe help me understand why things are the way they are. And—I think you should hear what he had to say.”
“So I’m assuming I was part of the conversation.”
“Kellan,” I murmur. “Like you could ever doubt you wouldn’t be part of a conversation about my life.”
He sighs a little. “Let me hear it.”
“There’s a reason why we feel the way we do about each other, why you can’t break your feelings for me and why I’m always inexplicably drawn to you. I think … well, I think things will finally make a little more sense after you hear what Ronald thinks.”
“That the Seer?”
“Yeah. He’s this free spirit. I like him.”
“A free spirit,” he muses. “Almost contradictory when it comes to describing a Magical.” But then, more quietly, “You said you have some answers?”
“Yeah, I think I finally do. You may or may not like what Ronald had to say. But, I believe him. It feels right.”
“Go for it then.”
You can do this, Caleb encourages softly, warm support filling me up.
I think the point is, I have to do this. For me and for Kellan. So I state the obvious. “You and Jonah are identical twins.”
I can practically see his smirk across the miles. “That I already knew.”
“Did you know that there have only been between ten and fifteen sets of Magical twins throughout all of history?”
“Actually, I didn’t know that. I know we’re a rare breed, though.”
“According to Ronald, Magical twins tend to have very strong bonds, stronger than the ones nons have. There have been a lot of studies done on normal twins, how they can know what the other is thinking, feeling … you know, the weird links they share.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard of those.”
“And you two—well, it’s like you said. You were once one.” I gather my courage. “You two have a Connection, a bond between you no other living Magicals have. One that allows you two to stay linked, no matter what the distance or situation is. It’s like … when the egg split in two, it kept a cord between your souls, tethering you permanently together.”
Kellan stays quiet, just listening to me now.
“And … obviously, you two can talk to each other when none of the rest of us can. You’ve always been able to know how your brother feels, what he thinks, more than just surging. You knew the entire time we were in Annar how he was, didn’t you? Outside of phone calls.”
“Yeah, I knew,” he murmurs. “It killed me to know he was like that, but … I guess that’s how it goes. I also know he’s happy now.”
Which is how I wish Kellan could feel, but what I have to say will surely make that impossible. “It’s that link you have, that permanent Connection,” I say softly. “That bond, the genuine remnant connecting two halves that were once whole, does more than allow you two to communicate without really every having to say a single word.” I close my eyes and order myself to stay strong. “My Connection with your brother is unbreakable. It’s one of those things that neither of us really ever had a choice about. It was created pretty much when we were born. And you … you’re Connected to him, permanently. Which means you also have a permanent Connection to me.” My heart is beating hard. “You knew me that day in our history class because of that Connection. Our Connection. You would’ve always known m
e, no matter what. And vice versa. It’s why I’m in love with you, too.”
Kellan’s silent for so long, I wonder if he’s still on the phone. But he finally speaks, telling me, “I’ve also got a confession to make. I already knew about our Connection.”
My eyes fly open. “What?”
“I went to a Seer, too, Chloe. When I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t get over you. She saw our Connection—I mean, she didn’t explain it to me like your guy did. I didn’t know it was some kind of sick twist Fate had thanks to being a twin and all, but I knew I had a Connection. And I knew it was to you.”
“When was this?” I ask, barely breathing.
“When you were Ascending.”
I am blown away by this. “So you knew? The whole time I was falling apart, you knew the reason I was with you, that I needed you, was because we’re Connected?”
“I knew,” he says.
And he stayed with me, even though it must have hurt like hell to see me crushed over the Connection with his brother, because he really didn’t have a choice. Because his love for me, like mine for him, is a forever sort of thing.
Sometimes I think it would be a good thing to kick Fate in its ass.
“I’m so sorry—” I begin, but he cuts me off.
“I’m sorry, too, because I can’t really deal with this right now. I’m having a lot of trouble processing what’s going on, dealing with how I’m never going to be with the person I’m meant to be with. And,” he adds, when I try to apologize again, “yeah. It fucking sucks and hurts like hell. But I’ve got to find a way to deal, Chloe. And you need to let me, because if I don’t, I’m going to go crazy since the pain is so acute, it’s all I think about.”
I can’t help it—I start to cry. “Does your brother know?”
“Not yet.” He laughs quietly. Bitterly. “I never knew how to bring that one up. Things are already tenuous between us—I worry how this might make things worse. I mean …” He pauses. “You’re his Connection, Chloe. And to find out you’re mine, too? I can barely process it. I can’t imagine how Jonah is going to take it.” There’s another pause, during which a few of my sobs are stifled. And then, from him, “I should go …”
