by T. J. Klune
“Hear me, okay? Remember what Eddie taught you. What we’re supposed to do. Just focus on me, okay?”
I nod, starting to struggle.
“In. Breathe in. Just breathe, Kid. All you need to do is breathe.”
I can’t. I can’t get the air in.
“You can,” he says, like he can hear my thoughts. “You can because I know you can. Just breathe in with me, okay?”
Somehow, I try. For him, I’ll do anything.
“Good. Hold it for three seconds. One.”
What does she have that I don’t?
“Two.”
I know him better. He loves me more.
“Three. Let it out with me.”
I exhale.
“Hold it for three seconds. One.”
Doesn’t he need me?
“Two.”
Why won’t he ask me to stay?
“Three. Good, Kid. In and hold. One.”
I want him to be happy.
“Two.”
Why can’t he be happy with just me?
“Three. And Out. Good. One.”
He sees me. He sees me like no one else can. Not even Bear.
“Two.”
And I see him. I see him so clearly.
“Three. Now. Tell me what happened.”
And it floods out. “I saw Stacey and Dom kissing in the hall, and it felt weird to see, because he should only be seeing me because he’s my friend and I found him first. He only needs to tell things to me and why can’t he see that? Why can’t he see that he should tell me everything? He didn’t tell me about her. He didn’t tell me that he liked her. He kept it from me, and it feels like he lied. But I can’t blame him, because look how I reacted. Look at what happened. He tried to protect me like he always does, and I hate him. I hate him for it. I hate every part of him because he’s going to leave me. He’s not asking me to stay because he wants me to leave. He wants me to leave so he can go on and live his life without a little kid hanging on to him. He wants me to go so he can have a home.” I’m starting to get worked up again, knowing how harsh my words sound and, saying them aloud, how untrue they are. Nothing I’ve just said describes Dom. Nothing I’ve said is who he is. This is not on him. This is on me.
“But you don’t believe that, do you?” Bear asks, again proving he knows me better than I know myself.
“I don’t know.”
“Kid.”
“No. Okay? No. No, I don’t believe that. I’m scared, but I don’t believe that. Not really. Not completely. It’s just all messed up in my head and I can’t focus, Bear. Why can’t I focus?” I start to pant again.
“Easy. Breathe. Just breathe.”
I do. Bear rubs my chest, and I do.
“I’m scared, Bear.”
“About what?”
“Everything. The future. Leaving him behind.”
“Can I be honest?”
“Yeah.”
“Me too. I’m scared too.”
“Why’re you scared?”
He sighs. “Because I don’t know if I’m doing right by you. I don’t know if I’m doing right by Otter. I’m worried about uprooting our lives and going clear across the country. I’m worried that I might never want what Otter wants. I’m scared that you’re going to grow up and I won’t be ready to let you go. I’m scared that you’re going to want to go live your life away from me and I don’t know if I can handle that. I don’t know if I can stand to not see you every day.”
I laugh a watery bark. “We’re just a codependent mess, aren’t we?”
He chuckles. “The worst. We should probably still be in therapy.”
“We’re stuck with each other, huh?”
“Yeah, Kid. Me and you.”
“Forever?”
He hesitates.
“Forever,” I insist.
“Yeah. Forever, Ty. We’ve made it this long, what’s the rest of our lives?”
“Bear?”
“Yeah?”
“I never wanted to go with her. With Mom. Never. Not once. I only wanted to be here with you.”
“I know. And I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
There is a pause. “Introducing Stacey to Dominic. I didn’t know it would hit you that hard. I didn’t know they’d even hit it off.”
My heart is sore, but it doesn’t matter. Not now. “It’s okay,” I whisper. “I don’t care what else happens, as long as he’s happy, you know?” And that is the truth. This is the decision, the choice I make. I’d rather have part of his heart than none of it.
Bear’s quiet, but I can tell he’s thinking hard. “Kid?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you… you and him… are you in l—” He stops himself.
“What?”
“Never mind,” my brother says. “It’s not important.”
“Bear?” A voice calls from the open doorway. A low sound that causes gooseflesh to ripple over my skin. “Can I speak with Tyson?”
Just breathe.
Bear shifts behind me and rises up. “Now might not be the best time, Dominic,” he says, his voice tight.
“I understand that,” Dom growls. “And if you’d like, I can rephrase it so it’s me telling you instead of asking you.”
They glare at each other until I roll my eyes. “Knock it off,” I tell both of them. “Bear, it’s okay.”
He looks down at me like he doesn’t believe me.
“It’ll just be a minute,” I tell him. “I’ve got something to tell you, anyway.” And I do. But it can wait a bit longer.
Bear nods and helps me sit up in the bathtub. I bring my knees to my chest as he leans down and kisses my hair. His hand trails off my shoulder as he steps out of the tub. He glances over his shoulder at me before he faces Dom. “A word, please?” he says, jerking his head toward the door.
Dom nods reluctantly and follows Bear out the bathroom.
“How much did you hear?” Bear hisses at him, trying to be quiet, but his voice echoes off the tile in the bathroom.
“Enough,” Dom rumbles. “Enough to know….”
“It doesn’t matter what you know. It doesn’t matter what you think. All that matters is my brother in there. All that matters is that he’s fifteen years old and still feels earthquakes. That’s the only thing that matters.”
“I know.”
“I’ll give you five minutes, Dom. Five. Don’t you upset him again, or you and me are going to have a problem.”
Overprotective, Bear is. I hear him stomp away.
Dom sighs.
I wait.
He turns into the bathroom and walks toward me until he kneels at the side of the tub, resting his hands on the edge. He drops his head until his chin hits the back of his hands and we’re at eye level. I don’t look away.
“I didn’t mean for you to see that,” he says finally. “Downstairs.”
I snort. “That’s… I don’t know what that is.”
“It just happened.”
“It looks like it’s been happening.” I wait for him to deny it so I can call him on it.
He doesn’t. “Yeah” is all he says.
“Do you love her?”
He looks startled. “What?”
“Do you love her?”
“I’ve only known her a couple weeks.”
I cock my head at him. “What does that have to do with anything?”
He smiles at me, like I’ve amused him. “No, Ty. I don’t love her.”
“Why not?”
“Because. She’s not… I already have….” He sighs. “It’s not important.”
“But it could be.”
He shrugs. “I don’t know, Tyson.”
“You should still see her,” I tell him, though my heart breaks.
“Why?”
“Because she makes you smile.”
“A lot of things make me smile. Doesn’t mean I need them. I won’t, Ty. I won’t do it again. I won’t see her again.”
&n
bsp; “Why?”
“Because I don’t want it to lead to this,” he says, patting the bathtub. “I can’t let this happen to you. Not again. Not under my watch.”
Instantly, I feel like the world’s biggest asshole. How could I have ever thought he didn’t love me? How could I have ever thought he’d sacrifice nothing for me? That’s not who Dom is. Dom has given me everything. The least I can do is deserve it. “No,” I say. “You don’t get to do that. Not because of me.”
“Ty, I’ve already made up my—”
“These are my problems, not yours,” I interrupt. I reach out and touch his face. He closes his eyes. “You don’t have to put up with my stupid shit.”
He catches my hand in his and holds on. “I don’t have to do anything. Every choice I make is my own. And it’s been that way ever since I saw you on that sidewalk, following the ant you named Helmholtz Watson. That was the day I felt like I had choices again, for the first time in a long time. And you know what I chose?”
“What?”
He opens his eyes to look at me. “I chose you. Right then and there, I chose you.”
I tremble.
“I promised myself that I would do everything to make you happy, that I would do anything to make you feel safe. You want to know why I haven’t asked you to stay? You want to know why I haven’t asked you not to go, even though every part of me is screaming to lock you up and never let you out?”
I shake my head as my eyes start to burn.
“Because,” he says harshly, “because I know you. I know what you’re capable of. I know what you’re going to become. You are going to make the world so much brighter, because you’ve already done the same for me. And it’s selfish of me to want to keep that to myself. It’s selfish of me to want no one else to see it. You’ve got a gift, Ty, and you need to share it with the world. You’re my best friend and you always will be, but I can’t be the thing that holds you back. I won’t be. So you’re going. You are going so everyone else can know what I already know. Do you understand?”
I nod.
“Answer me!”
“Y-yeah. Yes. Yes.”
He sighs and bows his head, burying his face in his hands. I touch his hair. His ears. Bear may be my rock, but Dom is the force that moves me.
He drops his hands to his lap. He doesn’t raise his head. “You said you hated me,” he whispers. “Please don’t hate me. I couldn’t stand it if you did.”
“I don’t. I didn’t mean it.” Out of everything that’s been said, it’s those words I wish I could take back the most. “I can’t hate you. I won’t. You’re my… you’re Dom. How can I hate you when I love you?” And as those words come out of my mouth, the meaning behind them changes into something so completely different than they had ever meant before.
“I don’t need any other home,” he tells me roughly. “I don’t need any other home than you, so you don’t ever forget that, you hear me? You don’t ever forget me. You can’t. You just can’t.”
As if I could. As if I could ever want to. I jump out at him and he drags me from the bathtub and curls me up against his chest where a great heart beats a staccato rhythm. And we sit here, in the waning afternoon, just me and him. For a time, it doesn’t matter what’s happened before. It doesn’t matter what’s coming. All that matters is that Dom is who I need him to be and I pray I can be the same for him.
After a while, he says, “The present.”
“Yeah?” I close my eyes and breathe him in.
“It’s the best thing I’ve ever gotten.”
“Yeah?” My chest feels warm again.
“Yes. Thank you, Ty. It’ll help me.”
“With what?”
“When you’re gone.”
“Who’s going to tell you what to wear?” I sniff. “You can’t match clothes to save your life.”
Stacey will help him, it whispers to me, but I shove it away.
“I guess I’ll have to call you every day,” he says with a huff of laughter. It almost sounds like a sob.
“Every day?”
“Every day.”
“I’m going to come back.”
“Sure, Ty.”
“I will,” I insist. I pull away to look at him. He won’t meet my eyes. “Dom. Look at me.”
He does, but there’s doubt there. He can’t hide it from me. “I don’t….” He shakes his head.
“You’ll see. I promise.” I lean back against him. “You’re my best friend too, Dom. You’ll see.”
“I know, Ty.”
“Do you know why?”
“Why?”
“You and me?”
“Yeah?” He holds me tighter.
I hug him back. “We’re inevitable.”
And we sit there for a while longer until the earth no longer shakes. Until we can stand without falling over. Until we can face the world with a decision made, though it is breaking our hearts.
I FIND Bear and Otter outside, away from everyone else. They stop talking as soon as they see me, and I can tell they were talking about me. They both look worried, and I can’t have that. I’m stronger. I will be stronger. I’ll show them. I’ll show everyone.
Otter reaches for me first, and I wrap my arms around his waist. Bear comes up next to him, rests his hand on my shoulder, and leans against his husband.
“Okay, Kid?” Otter asks.
I nod. Maybe not all the way okay. But I will be. One day, I will be. “I’ve made up my mind,” I tell them, my voice strong.
Bear glances over at Dom, who is standing near the Green Monstrosity, waiting for me. We’ve decided to get out of here for a bit, just me and him. “And what do you want to do?” Bear asks.
“We’re going,” I say. “We’re leaving Seafare.”
They glance at each other over me. “You sure?” Otter asks after a moment.
I nod. “I have to. I need to. For me. Is that okay?”
“More than okay,” Bear says. And then he smiles.
DOM AND I walk along our little section of the beach, the tide low, the whitecaps of the waves foamy and small. Seagulls cry out overhead. The wind has a bite to it. Mrs. P feels close, like she always does when I’m here. Dom drops his arm on my shoulder but doesn’t speak. He doesn’t have to. We’ve already said everything that needs to be said, at least for now. All we do is walk. All we do is hold on while we still have time.
All we do is breathe.
2. Where Tyson Makes a Phone Call
A few weeks later
“HEY, DOM. What are you—What? Ha! Shut up. I do not! I’m not worried at all. Everyone’s gonna love my speech. They will too! You’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not going to tell you yet. Because you have to be surprised! Hey, can I ask you a question? Oh, what? She does? Oh. Well, tell Stacey I say hi back. What? Nothing’s wrong. I am telling you the truth! Don’t tell me what I am—What question? Oh yeah. It’s not important. Don’t worry about it. Ah, God, you’re so annoying. Fine. I was just going to ask you if you’d come visit me when I was away at school. It’s not that big of a deal. You will? Really? You won’t… never mind. That’s dumb. Jesus! You won’t forget about me or anything? What? You’ll think about me every day? Wow. No. I’m not going to say it. Just Otter. I’m not going to say it! Ugh! Fine. Friends until we’re old and gray, beginning to end, day after day. I was nine when I first said that! Whatever. My poetry skills rock. Is it okay if I ride with you to the graduation? Cool. Is Stacey going to be there? Maybe she could take her own car, and we could—yeah? Cool. Alright. Just come over. I know. I know you’re proud of me. I know. Yeah. I’m going to miss you so—What? Stacey says you gotta go? Okay. Yeah. Love you too.”
3. Where Tyson Graduates and Bear Freaks Out
I LOOK at the crowd spread out before me, knowing I just have one last paragraph to get through. I shouldn’t have looked up, but I did, and now I don’t know if I can finish, because there are hundreds of pairs of eyes staring back at me as if everyone is hanging on
my every word. And maybe they are. My valedictorian speech isn’t too shabby. At least, I don’t think it is. It isn’t up in the pantheon with the Gettysburg Address or the “I Have a Dream” speech, but it’s pretty close. Kind of. Okay, not really at all, but it took me just an hour to write, so I’m not too concerned. Well, except for the ending part that’s about to happen. Bear’s going to freak. Like, seriously meltdown freak-out. Maybe I should leave that part out. Maybe I’m not ready.
Ugh.
I still shouldn’t have looked up, though.
Jesus Christ. At least we know my future isn’t in public speaking. Even my balls are sweaty. Gross. It’s not helping that there are news cameras trained on me from as far away as Washington. I can see the headlines already: MUTANT FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD CAUSES HAVOC WITH SPEECH; OLDER BROTHER GOES ON RAMPAGE.
I feel a low level of panic coming on. It starts in my toes and tingles up through my legs, and just when I think it’s going to consume me, I find them. I find them all.
Creed, Anna, and JJ. Alice and Jerry Thompson. Erica and Georgia. Eddie. Anna’s parents, Stephanie and Ian Grant. Otter consoling Bear, who has tears streaming down his face. How embarrassing, even if it does cause a bit of a hitch in my own chest. Stacey, glancing over at my brother like she’s amused.
Him. Then there’s him. There’s always him. He’s watching me and our gazes lock and everything stops. For just a moment, everything else is gone and it’s like I’m speaking to him and only him. He nods at me, like he knows what I’m thinking, like he knows I’m scared. He probably does know. It’s who he is. It’s who we are. I know I’m doing this for myself, but I’m also doing it for him.
“The world is changing,” I say, my voice the strongest it’s been since I started speaking ten minutes ago. “Every day the world is changing. Sometimes, though, it’s not for the better. Sometimes it seems as if we’re taking two steps back for every one step forward. Some of us are still being told we aren’t good enough because of the color of our skin. Because of our socioeconomic background. Because of how we were raised.” I hesitate, but it’s now or never. “Or because of who we choose to love. I encourage you… no, I beg you to go out there and make the world a better place. Make it something we can look back and be proud of. That we can say at this moment, we made the decision to be the catalyst for change, that we rose up past every single prejudice facing us and held our heads high. My name is Tyson James Thompson. I am graduating at the age of fifteen years old as your valedictorian. I come from an unconventional family made of up bits and parts to create a whole that I wouldn’t change for anything in the world. And I am proud to say that I’m gay.”
