"You'll always be dear to me, always, you know that, don't you?" he asked as she stood at the door with him.
"I can't put a value on your friendship," she replied. "I don't know what I would have done all these years without you. I owe you so much."
"It's never been about that, Cianne. With us, it's always been give and take. Sometimes perhaps the giving hasn't been equal, but that's of no consequence. Sometimes I've tried to take more than I should." He brushed a light kiss over her cheek. "I'll bring you that gift I promised you."
The lump in her throat ached so fiercely she felt as though it were strangling her. "I'll look forward to it. Will I have a chance to say goodbye to you?"
"Of course," he said, his face softening. "My mother is having a farewell dinner for me the night before my departure, and she commands your and your father's presence."
"We'll be delighted to attend," she said, unable to offer him anything better than a wavering smile.
After he was gone she allowed herself to do something she hadn't done in many years. She retreated to her room and wept for hours. Despite the grief she feared she had caused him, despite the pain she knew he felt, she couldn't suppress the liberating sense of relief that engulfed her, and the shame of it was almost more than she could bear.
When her tears dried up at last, she sat up in her bed and drew in several long breaths. She squared her shoulders and gathered her determination before cleaning all traces of her sorrow from her face.
Her father was late to dinner, and then he hurried through the meal, so distracted that she didn't have to expend much effort with him. Even so, her shoulders loosened when he was gone, and she returned to her room to prepare for her training session with Kila. She was destined to move from one emotionally draining incident to another, all in one day, it seemed.
He was in the garden when she arrived, his eyes fixed on the wall. She remained crouched in the shadows for some time, studying him. The light spilling from his lodgings illuminated one side of his face, and she followed the aquiline slope of his nose, examined the shape of his lips, swept her gaze over the light stubble darkening his cheek and jaw.
She loved him. Like Lach, she would have to find some way of living with her unrequited feelings.
"I wasn't certain you would come," he said when she dropped down onto the grass and padded over to him on silent feet.
"Nothing has changed, Kila. We have only three days left to train, and I need the practice."
Hurt flickered through his eyes and his jaw tightened. He nodded. "I shouldn't have—"
"No, you shouldn't have," she said, meeting his gaze. "But not for the reasons you think. I have been in love with you since I was a girl, and I have dreamed of you for many long years. It doesn't matter. There's no place for us, and I will have to learn to accept it."
His jaw tightened further as he nodded again. "No place for us," he echoed, and she couldn't quite make out what it was she heard in his tone.
"I think we should focus on our training," she said in a gentle voice. "I need your help."
"You will always have it."
Everyone seems to be making vows to me this day, and yet what good are they? What use have I for empty words?
She turned away under pretense of examining the practice weapons he had spread out over the grass. She couldn't stop herself from feeling the bitterness, but she could prevent herself from allowing him to see it.
"Cianne, if you wouldn't mind, I would like to perform the deshya first, to center myself before we spar," he said.
"Very well." A shiver of misapprehension ran down her spine, but she kept her face serene.
It wasn't as terrible as she had feared, though. Standing across from him, locked in an intense gaze, she didn't feel the turmoil she had anticipated feeling. Her love was there, her pain at having to deny it an ever-present ache, but the calm came, as it always did. She hadn't expected to find this tranquility with him, and she felt as though she were receiving her own long-awaited gift from the gods.
From the deshya they moved promptly into sparring, working harder than they had the night before. Kila disarmed her several times and overtook her once, but she held her own better than she had the previous night, and he was as good a teacher as she remembered him being. Patient and helpful, he was able to illuminate for her where she went wrong and what she could do to correct her technique. She knew she couldn't come close to mastering her skills before their spying mission, but at least she would go into it more prepared than she would otherwise have been.
"I'll be at the Staerleigh enclave tomorrow morning," Kila told her as they sat resting on the grass afterward.
"Why?"
"Burl is meeting with the Elders and she asked me to attend."
"They intend to size you up."
"Most likely," he agreed.
She could feel him watching her out of the corner of his eye, and she knew in which direction his thoughts had bent. Any attempt of his to dissuade her from trying to eavesdrop on the meeting would be pointless, so he didn't bother, though it was clear he wasn't happy about it.
"I've news for you too," she said before he could say anything about the Council meeting. "Lach is leaving in one week."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Relieved, for many reasons. Not least of which is the hope that he'll be gone when I figure out what's been going on."
"You want to protect him from learning something about House Staerleigh that might hurt him."
"Yes."
"Who will protect you?"
Blowing out a breath, she stared off into the overgrown, darkened yard. "I'm not concerned about protection. I'm concerned about finally knowing what the next step is for me. I can't know that until I know whether I need to break away from House Staerleigh once and for all."
"Either way, it won't be easy for you," he said, caution in his tone. "You're going to learn things you might wish you had never known."
"Is that what it's like for you?" she asked, turning to catch his eye.
He gave her a grim smile. "Every day."
"I've no doubt it's not easy, but I would rather be wise than be ignorant."
"Even if being wise destroys your happiness, your peace of mind?"
"Even then. What use is happiness or peace of mind if it's built on a foundation of lies?"
"I admire your spirit." He made no move toward her but she felt physically comforted nonetheless.
"And I yours."
Chapter 28
"Good, you're early," Burl said, inclining her head in a slight nod of approval when Kila met her in front of the enclave gates ten minutes before their scheduled meeting with the Elders.
"I didn't want to risk being late," he said. He had to make a conscious effort to focus on Burl rather than allow his eyes to dart around what he could see of the enclave, searching for Cianne.
As if he would see her, at any rate. Her fighting skills could use some polish, but he had a hardy respect for her stealth skills, which, as she had pointed out, were far more formidable than his own. It didn't mean he would stop worrying about her, though.
He wished he had found the courage to share with her what had been in his heart the previous night. He cared for her, deeply. At first he had told himself he was confused, the friendship he felt for her becoming muddled with his increasing attraction to her, but he knew it wasn't true. His feelings were growing, ripening, becoming so much more. In the face of her admission that she was in love with him, it struck him as a betrayal not to have told her the truth about his own feelings.
She was right, though. There was no place for them. He hadn't let his mind dwell on that fact, but she had been right to bring it up. What did it matter if they could share something beautiful, something for which he had come to realize he had long been searching without being conscious of the search? She filled his life, lit up his days, and inspired in him more physical and mental passion than he had ever imagined he could feel for another per
son.
None of that would change the fact that their relationship could go nowhere, that to cross the line as he had, to answer the call he felt thrumming within him morning and night, would inevitably bring them far more pain than it would pleasure.
Would it?
Someday, years from now, would he look back on his life and feel relief that he hadn't allowed himself to know her touch, to lie with her in his arms? Or would it be his deepest regret?
"Elder Borean will be pleased. Manners are very important to him," Burl was saying as Kila tuned back in to her. He panicked for a moment, thinking she had caught him out, but it was quite clear she hadn't noticed his distraction. Her attention was fixed on the clock tower in the center of the enclave, and he had a feeling she was rehearsing in her head the things she intended to say to the Elders.
Yes, he knew how important observing social niceties was to the Houses. They preferred to kill via a million tiny cutting words rather than do something as distasteful as be honest and use a sword. Neat, quick, and clean wasn't for them.
"What is this meeting about?" Kila asked as they were admitted to the enclave by the two menacing Battle Masters guarding the gates.
No doubt House Staerleigh paid top dollar for them, he thought, a casual flick of his eyes enough for him to pick up a myriad of tiny details. That the guards were hardened was obvious, considering their well-worn armor and implacable expressions. But Kila had tallied their scars, had observed the way they held themselves, had not failed to notice their subtle appraisal of him, and knew that they were highly trained and had plenty of experience.
They were also members of one of the mercenary companies. Though their weapons and armor were well-crafted, they were plain and made from sturdy but economical materials. House Staerleigh could have paid extra for fancier, more ornamental gear, which told Kila their intent was likelier to be to impress upon their visitors that their gates were secure than it was to show off their wealth. Even so, only the Battle Masters in the employ of the royal family had the financial backing to bear the best arms and armor Metal Shapers could craft. And only the royal family—what was left of it, at any rate—had the coin to pay for the most skilled of the Battle Masters.
Which was all to say that Kila had no desire to test either of the guards, not even were he in the company of another ten Enforcers he knew he could trust to back him.
"It's a regular monthly meeting," Burl said. "Enforcer liaisons to the Houses attend a meeting at the end of each month so the Houses can bring us up to speed on their most pressing concerns."
"Have you any idea what those might be for House Staerleigh?"
"I imagine they don't have many at present. Now that House business has begun to settle back into its usual patterns, I expect that the Elders will be relieved to be able to focus on their normal day-to-day affairs."
She wanted him to read between the lines; every muscle in her body betrayed that fact. House Staerleigh was pleased that the Toran Stowley business had been resolved with as little fuss and inconvenience to them as possible, and both Burl and the Elders felt Kila had played his part in that particular charade. With any luck, they had decided that he had been properly chastened by his exile to the forest, and now assumed he was ready to abide by their rules.
Two more guards were stationed at the Council Hall. They waved Burl in without her having to break her stride, telling Kila that they were both quite familiar and quite comfortable with her presence in the Hall. He deduced that either the Elders had requested his presence as well or Burl had informed them of her intent to bring him along, and the guards had been told not to bother with stopping him.
A solicitous young man saw them into the Council's private meeting chambers, where they found all five members waiting for them.
"Officer Burl, Officer an Movis, thank you for attending this meeting," Elder Borean said, rising to greet them. The other four remained seated, which Kila was certain wasn't entirely due to how old and frail three of them were. If Burl minded being treated like one of the servants, she showed no sign of it.
"Thank you for having us, Elder Borean," Burl said, folding her hands and bowing at the waist. Kila followed suit.
"Branis, bring some refreshments for our guests," Elder Borean said to the young man, who nodded and hurried off to do as he had been bid.
"Officer an Movis, I believe you've already met all the members of our Council of Elders," Elder Borean said, turning his attention to Kila.
"I have had that honor indeed, Elder Borean."
The polite address seemed to please the Elder. "Allow me to refresh your memory. This is Elder Vorfarth, Elder Maizton, Elder Florius, and Elder Stanich," he said, going clockwise around the round table. The Elders all deigned to incline their heads at him, though Elder Stanich didn't do much to conceal his open distrust of Kila.
"You are not native to Astoran," Elder Stanich said, the words more an accusation than an observation.
"No, I am not, though I have long been a resident of your fair realm," Kila replied.
Elder Stanich huffed as if the response were barely tolerable, and perhaps for him it was. Not everyone in Astoran loved the thought of foreigners dirtying their sacred ground.
The young man returned with a beautifully engraved silver tray bearing a tea service and a variety of small cakes and finger sandwiches. He set it down on the table and bowed his way out of the room. He hadn't even shut the doors before Elder Stanich pounced on the tray, loading a plate with an impressive pile of assorted treats. He was so bird-like it seemed hardly credible that he could consume such a quantity of food.
"Shall we begin?" Elder Borean asked, gesturing to two empty chairs on either side of his seat. Burl took the one next to Elder Florius, which meant Kila had the pleasure of sitting next to Elder Stanich, who proceeded to act as if Kila didn't exist.
The others weren't so rude nor so dismissive. Elder Vorfarth nodded at him. She had seen him at the Stowley manor, though she wouldn't be so indelicate as to bring that up. A mysterious smile wreathed Elder Florius's face as she appraised him with lowered lids, and Elder Maizton made a blatant study of Kila.
Do they coordinate? he wondered. Decide ahead of time which of them will stare and which will pretend not to be scrutinizing me?
Once more his thoughts turned to Cianne, and the back of his neck prickled. He half expected to look up and find her clinging to the rafters, but she wouldn't be that reckless. More likely she had flattened herself against the side of the building next to one of the windows, or was hiding in a closet in another room, ear pressed against a peephole she had previously drilled into the meeting chambers.
He almost smiled at such fanciful visions, but caught himself in time. While the amusement was certainly preferable to the fear, it was better he not think of her at all lest he somehow draw attention to himself, or, worse, give away something about her.
"Have you any particular concerns you wish to raise?" Burl asked the Elders in a tone so deferential that it set Kila's teeth on edge.
"None at the moment," Elder Maizton said with an air of deep satisfaction.
"Normal shipments will soon resume, and Captain Stowley will oversee the Leonovia run next week," Elder Borean said.
"That's excellent news," Burl said.
"It is indeed," Elder Vorfarth agreed. As one, the Council members all bobbed their heads in agreement, which Kila found uncanny to the point of being creepy.
"Have you had any further trouble with that petty theft ring down on the docks?" Burl asked.
"We have not, thanks to your assistance," Elder Stanich said.
After a while, Kila didn't trouble himself much with the particulars of the conversation. Whether the Council was typically more frank with Burl, he couldn't say, but the meeting consisted of nothing more than common banalities. Kila did notice one thing of interest, though: the Council didn't bring up a single issue within its own House. Anything that affected them appeared to be instigated by outsiders
, such as the petty theft ring Burl had mentioned.
Well, aren't they perfect? Kila thought, suppressing a sardonic smile.
Really, the purpose of the meeting seemed to be what he'd suspected: it gave the Council members a chance to size him up. He wasn't certain how to interpret it, which forced him to admit it would be a good thing if Cianne did manage to eavesdrop. The Council could want nothing more than to familiarize themselves with Kila's appearance so that they would know him by sight and keep him from learning too much. Or they could want to assess his potential as another asset within Enforcement. Either way, Kila had no idea what was going on in their minds, no more than he did with Burl. The best he could do was work as hard as he could to ensure his actions appeared above reproach.
Kila asked Burl as many questions as he felt safe posing as one of the House carriages took them back to headquarters. He had to take care to appear interested but oblivious to anything that might make Burl suspicious, which was easier said than done. Burl, he knew, would pick apart everything he said.
By the end of the day he was exhausted. The mental strain of what he and Cianne were doing was taking a greater toll on him with each passing day. He had never been fond of intrigue, and his time in Cearova was making him even less fond. He hadn't thought it possible, but he even found himself longing for a return to his forest exile. The obscurity had been so much more relaxing.
"Were you successful?" he asked Cianne when she appeared in his home office that night.
"I was," she said, "though not as successful as I would have liked. Still, I can at least set your mind at ease on this count: the Elders don't suspect you of anything."
"Are you certain?" he asked, unwilling to surrender himself to relief just yet.
"Very," she said with a definitive nod. "I've not had the chance to eavesdrop on the Council very often. Getting in and out of the Council Hall unnoticed is no mean feat, but I've listened to them often enough in other settings to know when what's left unsaid is more important than what's said."
A House Divided (Astoran Asunder, book 1) Page 21
