by Tess Oliver
Greg scrubbed his face with his towel. “Elle, you can’t let that letter take you all the way back to that day. It doesn’t do you any good, and it sure as hell doesn’t bring him back.”
I crossed my arms around myself more because of his words than from the chill in the air.
“Look, Elle, Hayden was the most important person in the world to me and losing him was like having someone slice me open and pull out my insides. I feel as empty as you when I think about him being gone.” He scooted around and looked straight at me. “But I’ve got to tell you, I’m rooting for Seth. I’m rooting for him to succeed.”
I opened my mouth to counter his words, but he stopped me with his own.
“Even though Hayden was the most important person in my life, you were the most important person in his. When you dedicate your heart and soul to someone like he had to you, then you want that person to be happy. Elle, Hayden wouldn’t want to see you like this. It would break his heart to know that he’d caused you so much pain that you couldn’t live again. It’s one thing to love someone so completely that their loss causes you unfathomable grief, agony that rips at your very being. It’s another thing to love someone so completely that you can no longer go on with your own life.”
Tears rolled down my face, and my body shook as I cried.
Greg leaned forward and pulled me against him. “We go through every day in fear of losing people we love. That never ends.” He chuckled. “Just wait until you have kids. I’m just glad I have you to fill in some of the pieces missing from my heart.” He kissed my forehead. “It’s all right to move on, Noelle. It’s time.”
Chapter 22
Noelle
Because Grace and Terry’s bonfire get together started at the fire pit nearest our rental house, and the guests drifted between the house and the fire to replenish their drinks and snacks, there was no way for me to avoid the party. Fortunately, for the most part, it went on around Duke and me as we parked ourselves outside in the small yard. I’d pulled out my beach chair and swaddled myself in a sweatshirt, with a glass of wine and a s’more, which I’d been picking at for a good hour.
Grace had been hanging on the arm of Seth’s friend, Rocko, which surprised me. They’d been playing a game with each other’s feelings since they met. One minute he pretended not to have any interest, and I’d have to listen to Grace whine about the fact that he was just using her. The next minute, she’d be purposely ignoring his texts and calls. The one thing that was obvious when I saw them together was that they genuinely seemed to like each other.
When Rocko had first appeared at the bonfire, my heart jumped, thinking Seth might have come with him. But there was no sign of him, and he was a man who was easy to spot in any crowd, mostly because all the female attention generally drifted his direction. What I was still trying to explain to myself was why my heart had done the flip flop. I was fond of Seth. There was no way I could deny that, but I had convinced myself that this was over. He seemed to have accepted it too. Almost a little too easily. It was stupid, because I’d basically told him that this couldn’t go any further, and yet, I was slightly disappointed that he hadn’t put up more of a fight. Greg’s little talk at the beach had only confused my feelings more. But I knew, for now, I had to follow my heart, and it was telling me, I couldn’t handle anything intense yet. As awesome as it had felt to be touched and held by a man again, my heartbreak was still too raw. I wasn’t sure how long it would take me to heal, but Hayden’s letter assured me that I still hadn’t gotten past this.
I finally ripped off the graham cracker I’d been chipping away at and tossed it to Duke, who gobbled and swallowed it long before he tasted it. With my teeth, I scraped the chocolate off and into my mouth and then washed the sticky mouthful of chocolate and marshmallow down with wine. Duke stood up suddenly and trotted away. He headed toward the people huddled around the glowing pit, hoping, no doubt, for more graham crackers. He stopped in front of a tall figure, and with no real light except the starlight and the wavering flames, it took me a second to see that it was Seth. My heart did that same somersault.
Seth leaned down and patted Duke before glancing up toward the house. He spotted me but didn’t walk over. I should have felt relief. There were a lot of people around, and things were bound to be awkward between us. Only I didn’t feel relief. I was disappointed. He turned back around to the group. Two girls, one who I recognized by the short white hair as the girl who’d been swimming with Seth the day before, moved over to his side of the bonfire. I got up. It was my cue to leave. Watching Seth talk with other girls was going to take just a little more resolve and courage than I had at the moment.
I whistled for my dog, who had planted himself right next to his buddy, Seth. Duke reluctantly trotted over. I didn’t look Seth’s direction, but I sensed that he had turned to watch me when the dog left his side.
I pulled up my hood and headed down to the water. Duke trotted along next to me. I got a good distance from the party, where voices were a lightly blurred mosaic of sound, and climbed the steps of the lifeguard tower. Duke flopped down at the bottom of the stairs.
It was one of those clear nights where the water was a glassy black and the sky a blue velvet. As far as I was concerned, there was no better place on earth than the beach. With nothing standing in the way, the music from the party drifted directly across the sand to the tower where I sat. It masked his footsteps. I hadn’t noticed him until I pushed my hair back from the side of my face.
There was a long moment where we just gazed at each other. God, I’d missed looking at him. Shit, who was I kidding. I missed him looking at me.
He glanced down and scrubbed his hair as if he was searching for words. Then he swung around and climbed up the steps and sat down next to me. His arm didn’t brush mine, but I could feel him. He was so close, I could feel him as if we were touching. I’d missed being with him. There was no way to deny it. I’d tried. I’d tried to push away those few hours of intimacy we’d shared, but they were as indelible as a the strokes of a permanent marker.
He stared out at the ocean, and I could see the same admiration, the same level of fandom for the sea as I had. We had that in common.
His voice was deep and low as he spoke. “More than once, I tried to figure a way for this to work. I mean us. When it seemed that it might be something.” He looked back toward the bonfire as if he was still trying to decide if he wanted to be here next to me, telling me this. “I thought, it’s about time I found one place, one location I could call home. It wouldn’t stop all the traveling I usually do for my job, but it would be nice to find a home base, a place that I could use as my default answer when people ask me where I live. Normally, I just hang up my hat wherever the job takes me and then I grab that hat and move on. That nomad lifestyle was working for me until now.”
I curled my arms around myself to keep from touching his arm, something I badly wanted to do. But I’d committed myself to stopping this and touching him would make it that much harder.
He leaned back and put his elbows on the step above. “Then I got here. And this girl, this unbelievable girl stepped off the beach, with her ham sandwich hunting dog. And I got to know her, and I thought, why the hell don’t I find a place to hang that fucking hat. I thought, shit, wouldn’t that be cool to come home to someone, someone who would care if I made it home safely or not.”
A knot formed in my chest. “Seth, I don’t know what to say.”
“There isn’t really anything to say to that. You’ve already poured your heart out to me, and now I’m doing the same.” He released a long breath, as if he’d been holding it, and the sound of it was sad enough to make the knot tighten. “Growing up, I was the ‘never take life too seriously’ guy. My brothers could both fall into dark moods about shit but not me. My dad used to laugh and say I was the optimist. I sometimes thought there was something wrong with me because I never got down about stuff. I mean there were those extreme times, like when my mom died.
But that wasn’t depression, that was complete and utter helplessness. Someone had opened a black hole and my brothers and my dad and I had been sucked into it. That was what losing my mom felt like. And I know that’s how you feel about Hayden. I understand that.” He paused and looked down at the sand below. “Now I understand what it feels like to fall into a dark mood. Of course, I’ll be fine, but I just wanted you to know that this meant something to me.”
“It meant something to me too, Seth. You have to know that. I just hope you can understand.”
“I respect it, but I’m not completely sure I understand.”
Duke sat up with a start and barked once, drawing our attention toward the party. The girl with the white blonde hair was heading toward us. And I wasn’t supposed to be, but I was completely annoyed.
“I’ll get out of your way,” I said.
“Seth.” The girl had her arms wrapped around her, and the wind whipped at the hem of her lightweight cotton dress. She grasped it, to keep it from flying up, reminding me of that day when I’d also worn a highly impractical sundress. I’d done it to flirt and tease him, to make sure I caught his attention. That day with the baby otters and the dinner of laughter and the heavy duty flirting had been so amazing.
“Brandi, I’ll be there in a minute.” He knew her name. Of course he did. Why wouldn’t he?
“Uh, your friend, Rocko sent me. He said you should come back. Some uninvited visitors showed up. Two of them are pretty scary looking. He said something about Rice. I think that was the name.”
There were two giant figures silhouetted by the fire who I hadn’t seen before. Seth got up. “Coming right now.” He looked down at me. “Why don’t you walk back with us? It’s pretty dark out here.”
I got up. If Rice was at the party then it was the last place I wanted to be. I would grab my keys and go to Greg’s. The girl, Brandi, watched me as I descended the stairs. There was no need to worry about Seth. There was no shortage of girls interested in him. Which again, should have brought me relief, but instead, I was bothered.
We headed back toward the party. I fell back some with Duke. But then my dog deserted me for his big friend. He walked right next to Seth as if they’d known each other forever. Rice was standing and talking to a few girls, and his two friends seemed to be making an attempt at mingling. They looked rather intimidating. Seth was tall and broad shouldered, but he looked small next to them. I was pretty sure the few people who were talking to them were doing so only because they were too scared not to.
I caught up to Seth just before we reached the party. “Who are those guys?”
“Rice has hired himself a couple of thugs for protection and to keep things moving at the job site.”
Rocko emerged from the people mingling around the fire. He walked up to Seth. “Hey, glad you came back.” He looked back at the bodyguards. “Everything is all right so far. Grace and Terry were a little freaked out by the uninvited guests, but since this is a public beach, it’s a little hard to shoo them away.” Rocko inclined his head toward the fire. “Did you get a load of those two? Like the fucking Hulk cloned himself . . . twice. They make you look like fucking Tom Thumb.”
Rice cast his attention our direction. I wasn’t sure who earned the deeper scowl, Seth or me. He walked up to his oversized cronies and said something to them that caused them both to turn around and give Seth a quick but unabashed inspection. Seth stared back at them with boredom. The man was expert at keeping his cool.
“Hey, welder,” Rice called suddenly, “did you find yourself some work?” He laughed and his friends followed, although they really didn’t seem like the laughing type. He must have been paying them a good amount of money to have them follow him around like a couple of loyal lap dogs.
Seth gave him a cursory glance. “Don’t see how it’s any of your business.” He walked over to them, and the crowd, even the fire, seemed to fall silent. “You three weren’t technically invited here tonight.”
Rice waved his arm around. “Public beach.”
“Yeah, I got that,” Seth said. “And you can stay and share this fire with the rest of us as long as you and your two unfriendly looking escorts behave.” His words, of course, provoked the two escorts enough for them to move in on Seth. More tension and silence followed, and it seemed Seth was on his own in this. No one else, not even his friend, looked inclined to step in and help him. But Seth remained as cool as the breeze pushing against us.
“We just came here to have some fun and meet people,” Rice sneered.
“That’s what we’re all here for. So enjoy, and there shouldn’t be a problem,” Seth said. He stayed toe to toe with Rice. It seemed the presence of his two new friends had helped to fortify Rice’s courage. Seth was the first to walk away. Some of the tension dissipated, and everyone went back to working on having a good time.
Seth followed me to the house. “I’m all right,” I said. “I don’t need an escort.”
“I know. I’m going inside to get a beer.”
My face warmed. “Now I’m embarrassed.”
“Don’t be. I was also making sure Rice didn’t follow you to the house.”
We stopped at the glass door. There was a pretty big crowd inside too. I peered up at him. “I guess I’m going to head over to Greg’s for the rest of the night.”
“I was thinking of heading home, but I think I’d better hang out here. I don’t trust that idiot, and he sure has armed himself with some muscle.”
I don’t know what the heck prompted me, it could have been the confession he’d just given me on the steps of the lifeguard tower, or the way he’d stepped in bravely to keep the bullies from ruining the party, or just the way he looked at me in that moment, but I took hold of his hand, knowing full well it wasn’t a good idea. It felt calloused and strong, and for a second, I thought about what it’d felt like to have his hands on me. Without another word, and now feeling more than silly for taking his hand, I released my hold on him. He moved toward me. It was just a tiny movement that I surely would have missed with a blink, but then he too, seemed to think better of it and retreated. I slipped inside to get my stuff and didn’t look back. Looking back might have convinced me to stay, and I knew the longer I stayed, the harder it would be. The man never took a misstep. As much as I wanted him to do something that would make me like him less, it never happened. The opposite in fact.
Chapter 23
Seth
“I went out on a limb and decided you were probably the breakfast burrito type.” Her voice cascaded down on me from the dock. I was amazed at how familiar it already was and how much impact the sound of it had on my pulse.
She had on a white tank shirt that contrasted with her suntan, and her dark hair danced around her shoulders. The silver chain glittered next to her skin. She held up a greasy paper bag. “Where’s Greg? I bought one for him too.” She hopped onboard, casually, happily as if this was something she did every morning and as if this didn’t throw me completely off.
I got up to my feet and wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my forearm. “He said he’d be late this morning.”
She smiled and lifted the bag toward me. “Bacon and sausage,” she said.
“Thanks. And, yes, that limb wasn’t too long. I’m most definitely a breakfast burrito type. In fact, I’m just a burrito type period.”
She glanced around at the interior of the boat. I tried not to stare at her, but I was having one hell of a time trying to pull my gaze away.
“Wow, I think you’ve gotten more done in these past few weeks than Greg has done in the past two years.” She turned back to me. “Thank you for doing this. It means a lot to him.”
I responded with a nod and pulled a burrito out of the bag. I sat on the bench along the stern and she sat down next to me. She was wearing shorts and her long, smooth legs stretched out in front of her. Again, I couldn’t drag my gaze away.
“How did the party go? I swung by to shower and change. All the
furniture was still sitting upright. Although I couldn’t say the same about my roommate. She had fallen asleep on the couch, and she looked pretty miserable when I opened the blinds this morning.”
“She was pretty drunk by the time I left, which was only about an hour after you made your escape. Rice and his buddies left before that. Once he started bragging about his Corvette, penthouse apartment and massive trust fund, that girl, Brandi, found herself suddenly very interested in him.”
“Sorry about that.” Her expression was trying to convey pity, but it wasn’t really working.
“About what?” I took a bite of burrito. “Hmm, good choice by the way. The bacon and sausage combo is working.”
“About the girl leaving. I know there was a little thing happening between you two.”
I blinked at her and kept chewing. I swallowed. “Is that what you thought? Trust me, if something had been happening between us, she wouldn’t have left with the silver spoon boy.”
She laughed. “Spoken by a man with unshakeable confidence.”
I looked at her. She fidgeted shyly with her hair. “My confidence is broken for good, and there’s only one girl on this planet who can fix it.”
She looked away.
I took another bite of burrito, still trying to interpret this unexpected visit, all the while reminding myself not to read too much into it.
“With your help, this boat should be restored by the end of summer,” she said with a blatant topic change.
“I think we’re going to let our place go at the end of this month. Rocko thinks there’s a lot of sketchy stuff happening at the job site, so he’s going to quit. I’ll be heading up to Montana to my brother’s ranch. There’s not much keeping me here.”
“Oh.” Her mouth pulled down at the sides, but she was trying her damndest not to show any reaction. “That’s too bad. Greg will really miss you.” Her voice was tight and quiet.
