by Amanda Sun
“You don’t know that.” I sat up, hugging my arm around my knees.
“I don’t,” he said. “But you know, don’t you? He’s getting worse. The fireworks at the festival, the fact that you flinched when I sketched a glass of water, that you’re bleeding ink.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I said. “Leave Japan?”
“Yuu is being taken over by his Kami side before he can control the ink. That could be fatal, to him or to you. Have there been any other signs? Blacking out, maybe? Worse nightmares? Unexplained sketches or weird anxiety?” Maybe not the last two, but everything else...
“No,” I lied, shaking. “He’s fine.”
“Katie, if you’re bleeding ink, it means the ink is trying to seep over to Yuu. He’s a magnet and he’s awakening every part of it in you. If he doesn’t come to me for help, you’ll get hurt, and the rest of Japan will follow. It’s not a game. You have to stay away from him.”
The tears started to blur in my eyes. A life without Tomo... I couldn’t.
His voice was gentle velvet, smooth and sweet. “I know you...you have feelings for him, Katie. But if you stay with him, it will destroy you both. And I don’t want that to happen.”
“There’s no way?” I said. I knew he was dangerous, but I’d never thought he’d hurt me. But the kendo practice—he would’ve if Ishikawa hadn’t been there.
“I’m sorry,” Jun said. “Unless Yuu will let me help him, I don’t think he will ever be...safe.”
“But if...if he joins you? Then he’ll be okay?” I couldn’t believe I was saying this.
I could hear Jun’s breathing over the phone. “I need your help to convince him. With him, Katie, the Kami could regain what’s ours. Taking control would become instinctual—he’d become what he’s meant to be.”
He wouldn’t get better, then. He’d become the monster he feared.
“But until he accepts his destiny, you’d need to stay away. He’ll probably react to the distance, and that might make it worse at first, but the most dangerous thing you can do is go back to him. It’s like a drug, like the ones my dad drew for the Yakuza. It will feel like taking it away from him is the most horrible thing you can do to him, but if you stay with Yuu, it will kill him. It will.”
I didn’t know what else to say. Tomo was a Kami. There was no way around it, no escape from the truth.
“I’m so sorry,” Jun said.
“Look,” I said, “I...I have homework.”
“Katie—”
“Ima deru yo,” I blurted out. I’m hanging up now.
He paused. Then quiet as a breath, he said, “Wakatta.” I get it.
I beeped my phone off and tossed it on the floor.
The tears poured down my face, ugly sobbing tears.
I’d thought I could build a life here, with Diane and Yuki and Tomohiro.
I was wrong. I’d lost Tomohiro, just like I’d lost my mother.
The ink should have killed me when it had the chance, before I was born. What was the point of living a life of nothing but loss? How could I choose my own life when it kept stopping me in my tracks?
I cried, but there was no solution. There was no way out of it, nowhere to go.
To save him, I had to let him go.
“Katie-san, can I see you for a minute?”
Yuki, Tanaka and I stopped at the classroom door. Suzuki-sensei leaned against his desk, looking at me expectantly.
“Catch you in the courtyard,” Yuki whispered, ducking out of the way.
Tanaka patted me on the shoulder as he followed her.
I approached Suzuki’s desk slowly, ready for another part of my life to fall apart. Didn’t he realize my heart was breaking? If he sent me to an international school, that would be the end of me. I would just rip in two.
“Katie, I wanted to talk to you about your latest assignment,” he said, passing my math homework back to me. My paper was marked up in red. Instead of check marks, Japanese teachers made circles on the correct answers and crosses on wrong answers, like tic-tac-toe.
I stared at the sea of red loops.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “These are all...right.”
“Yes,” Suzuki smiled. “You’ve always been strong at math, Katie, but what I’m pleased about are these.” He flipped the page to the word problems and pointed to one of my answers. “I noticed you using a lot more kanji in your responses, and I’m not the only one. Your biology and history teachers have been pleased, too. You’re working hard—we can see that.”
A wave of relief washed over me.
“Thank you,” I said, bowing slightly.
He nodded and took the paper back, placing it on his desk. “But you’re still not at the level of the other students, Katie. You still have a long way to go.”
“I know.”
“You’re proving to me you can do it, but it’s going to take time. And it’s already October. The school year is over in February. If you don’t want to go to an international school, I would suggest you consider retaking a year of high school.”
My ears rang. He couldn’t have said that, could he? “Retake?”
“I just want to make sure you’re ready for exams when they come round,” he said. “I’ve heard that Watabe and Tanaka are helping you at lunchtimes, but they have their own entrance exams to worry about. You can’t let yourself be a burden to them.”
“I’ll work harder,” I said. “I don’t want to retake.”
“I’m not forcing you,” Suzuki sighed. “But as your homeroom teacher, I’m just concerned for your well-being. If this is what you want, then you’ll need to focus. No distractions. Consider cutting back on club time, friend time, relationships, and spend more time on your studying.”
Great. The world was conspiring against Tomohiro and me. “I’ll think about it.”
Suzuki nodded. “I just want the best for you, Katie. Like I do for all my students.”
“I know,” I said. “Thanks.”
I went into the hallway, heading toward the genkan. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment. Good, but not good enough. But I’d been working so hard on those kanji. The genkan was full of loud students, and it felt stifling and claustrophobic. I grabbed my shoes out of my cubby and burst out the front door, where Yuki and Tanaka were waiting for me.
They weren’t alone.
Tomohiro grinned at me, his bangs fanned over his deep hazel eyes.
The resolve in me started to crumble. God, why did he have to look at me like that?
“Katie-chan!” Tanaka said, waving me over. Like I hadn’t seen them. I couldn’t see anyone but them.
I walked over, standing awkwardly beside Yuki.
“O,” Tomohiro said, a casual Japanese hello.
“Hi,” I said, my heart pounding. He frowned, looking at me carefully. He knew something was off.
“So, I was just telling the boys the news,” Yuki said. “Niichan is visiting for the week.”
“That’s great,” I said. “It must be nice having him home.”
“Oh, he’s not on holiday or anything,” she said, waving her hands around. “He’s been working at Sengen Jinja, sort of like a friendly ambassador from Itsukushima Shrine or something. They’re like sister shrines.”
“Where’s Sengen?” I asked as Tomohiro paled. Jinja meant it was a shrine, which meant Shinto instead of Buddhist. Which, of course, meant kami.
“In Aoi Ward,” she said. “It’s only a few blocks west of Sunpu Park. Soooo...” She looked conspiratorially at me. “I thought we could double date over there and drop in to say hi to Niichan.”
“Double date?” Was she kidding?
Tomo folded his arms and leaned against the stone wall of the courtyard. “A double date to visit your brother, Watabe?” he s
aid. “That’s not exactly romantic.” He was trying to discourage the shrine visit. What if he blacked out going through the gateway?
Yuki flushed. “Well, it’s not really a double date. Tanaka and I aren’t really together anyway.”
Tanaka pressed his glasses up his nose, his cheeks turning pink. “It’s basically a chance for Yuki to spy on you with Katie, Tomo-kun,” he said. Yuki gasped and reached over to smack him in the arm.
Tomohiro grinned. “That sounds more likely, Ichirou. So let’s go for coffee instead, okay?”
“I can’t,” Yuki said. “I have to visit my brother. My mom sent me with this.” She held up a bentou box wrapped beautifully in a light blue furoshiki cloth. “Come on, it’s a huge shrine. Katie’s never seen it, and it’s a romantic spot.”
“Romantic?” I said. “A shrine?”
Yuki shrugged. “Sure. It’s beautiful, right? Tokugawa built the shrine, you know. He was this super important Shizouka samurai. The torii gateway is huge and there are lots of nice gardens.”
Tokugawa. Oh god. Now I saw why Tomohiro was fighting the plan to go there. Could he even pass through into the shrine?
“Guys, I have a lot of homework,” I said. “And I’m sure Tomo has to study for entrance exams.”
“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” Yuki said. “You’re trying to sneak off so you can go to a love hotel, right?”
“Yuki!” I stammered. Tomohiro just grinned. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me back toward him. His touch jolted through me, the closeness of him sending waves of heat and sparks through my body.
“Would you prefer we started here?” he said slyly.
Yuki and Tanaka turned beet-red.
I struggled in his grip. “You’re embarrassing, you know that?”
He laughed and kept me close to him. I was pressed tightly against him, and all I could think about was last night. And Jun’s warning that I had to stay away.
“Tomo-kun?” A timid, shy voice.
Shiori stood at the front gate, her stomach totally swollen and huge.
“Shiori. What are you doing here? Is everything okay?” Tomohiro said. He loosened his grip and I slipped away, but not before Shiori saw. Her cheeks flushed red and she narrowed her eyes.
Yuki noticed and flushed with protectiveness for me. She turned to Shiori. “You’re not supposed to be on school grounds if it’s not your school,” she snapped, her hands on her hips.
“I’m sorry,” Shiori said, a sweet smile on her lips. “And I’m standing by the gate, right? So it doesn’t count.”
“Yuu-san has a girlfriend,” Yuki said. “So back off already.”
The smile vanished from Shiori’s lips.
“Easy, Watabe,” Tomohiro said. “She knows Katie is my girlfriend.”
“Then why is she here?” Yuki mumbled.
“I just need to talk to Tomo-kun,” Shiori said.
Tanaka nodded at Shiori. “Do you remember me?” he asked. “I used to be in Calligraphy Club with Tomohiro in elementary school. You used to walk home with us sometimes.”
Shiori looked at him, tilting her head. “Oh. Kind of.”
“He told me you were like his sister,” Tanaka smiled.
Shiori looked pale again. “Oh.”
“Che,” Tomohiro muttered, walking toward her. “What is it?”
“I just wondered, because I called last night and you were busy.” Her eyes flicked to me and narrowed. “Actually, you’re always busy. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine,” Tomohiro said. “I’m just... Things are different now.” He looked at me, and my stomach flipped over. I felt so awkward, like I was a horrible person. I didn’t mean to get in the way, but even now seeing them together gave me such a bad vibe. If I wasn’t here, if I put distance between myself and Tomo, would they be together?
“I get it,” Shiori said, looking sad.
“Hey,” Tomohiro smiled. “Genki dashite. Cheer up.” He tucked her hair behind her ear, and my insides lit on fire. “The baby will be here soon and then you won’t have time for me.”
How was I supposed to stay away from him? I couldn’t even watch him with another girl.
“I’m done with school,” Shiori said. “Too many comments, and it’s getting too hard, so they’ve asked me to stay home until the baby’s born. Today was my last day. I thought you might want to go for dinner so the day isn’t a total loss. Maybe shabu shabu? My treat.”
“I—can’t,” Tomohiro said. “We’re going on a double date.”
I blinked. Was he really going to put himself at risk to prove a point to Shiori? But I felt relieved. I’d been scared he’d say yes as a way out of the danger of the shrine.
“Oh,” she said quietly.
“Shiori, I’m sorry,” Tomohiro said. “Listen, let’s go for coffee this weekend, okay?”
“Sure,” she said, and she looked ready to slip away, like she was made of air, just drifting away on the breeze.
“Wait,” I said. The word was out before I could stop it. Tomo was sacrificing for me...I could sacrifice for him, too. “Tomo can go.”
“Katie, I’m not looking for permission,” he said. “I’ll go to the shrine with you.”
I shook my head. “No. Go with Shiori, Tomo. It’s her last day of school. Don’t let her be alone in this, okay?”
Tomo looked at me, his eyes filled with conflict behind his copper bangs. “Demo...” he said quietly.
“Ii kara,” I said. “It’s fine.” I trusted him, and it was the perfect excuse not to go to the shrine. Plus, looking at Shiori reminded me of the time Tomohiro had shut me out to protect me. It felt crappy. I didn’t want him to shut her out. I didn’t want her to feel alone in the world, even if she’d said those awful things to me on the train.
“Okay. Shiori, let’s go.” He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole time, maybe seeing if I’d change my mind.
Shiori looked relieved. She unfolded, stopped hunching over her belly and smiled. “Let’s go, Tomo-kun,” she said. She wrapped her arms around his arm, hugging it tightly, and looked at me, a mean smile of satisfaction on her face. It was brief, but I saw the look she gave me. She let go and walked past the gate, disappearing behind the stone wall. She didn’t like me being close to Tomohiro and had thrown this in my face like a victory. Yuki had seen it, too.
“Yuu-san,” Yuki piped up, and Tomo stopped walking. “It’s not yours, is it? The baby?”
My stomach lurched.
Tomohiro’s voice was dark. “Watabe, I get that you want to protect Katie. But I want to protect her, too. So you can lay off.”
Yuki narrowed her eyes, unfazed. “Yuu.”
“It’s not mine,” he said. “Okay?”
Yuki nodded slowly. “But if you hurt Katie, I’ll break you. Got it?”
Tomohiro grinned, shaking his head so his copper spikes danced around his head. “Got it,” he said. He slipped out of sight, and then they were gone.
“Let’s get going before we lose anyone else to social drama,” Tanaka said.
I grabbed Yuki’s hand and squeezed it as we walked toward Sunpu Park. She squeezed it back.
There’s no one in the world like your best friend.
* * *
The large red torii towered above us at the entrance to Sengen Jinja. I got why Tomo had wanted to avoid this place—you couldn’t get in without going through the torii or the roumon gate at the other entrance. Behind it stretched a huge complex of buildings, brightly colored in reds and greens and gold. It was like Tokugawa’s shrine on Mount Kuno, but larger.
Yuki and Tanaka passed through the gateway easily, chatting with each other and laughing. I stepped toward it, thinking of the ink that had bled from my firefly bites.
/> I wouldn’t trigger it, would I? Was it possible to pass out the way Tomohiro had, to be rejected by the shrine’s security system or whatever it was?
I squeezed my hands into fists and walked slowly through the gateway. The bright red beam towered above me, the paint peeling in strips, the wood underneath it gray and chipped. I waited for some sign of the ink, a tug or a whispered voice or something. But nothing happened, and then I was on the other side.
I sighed quietly, walking quickly to catch up with Yuki and Tanaka. I was still me. I was still human. Maybe there wasn’t enough ink in me to trigger the alarm. Or maybe alone I just wasn’t a danger.
I followed Yuki and Tanaka to a small gazebo-type building. The green-tiled roof sloped against the four red beams, painted with gold trim. Inside the gazebo stood a long basin, carved with snaking dragons on the sides. I shuddered, remembering the coiled dragon in Toro Iseki. Along the top of the basin were rows of bamboo cups on long wooden sticks.
“The chouzuya,” Tanaka said, lifting one of the ladles. He dipped it into the water, and Yuki put her hands out over the water. I did the same. Tanaka poured the cold water over our hands and it dripped off our fingers into the basin.
“What’s the chouzuya for?” I asked, reaching into my book bag for my hand towel. Everyone carried them; mine was pink and blue with a big yellow star on it and some cute cartoon kids. It made me think of Tomohiro’s elephant one, and I tried to shake the thought away. He was with Shiori right now. They were having dinner. God, I’m such an idiot. Why did I tell him to go?
“Just ritual,” Yuki shrugged, drying her hands and stuffing her towel into her bag.
“It’s a cleansing thing, isn’t it?” Tanaka said. “Purifying for the shrine or something? I don’t really know.”
That was the way a lot of things in Japan were. You just did them; you didn’t ask questions.
We wandered through the buildings, looking for Niichan. Straw ropes draped over the doorways and shrines, white paper thunderbolts hanging from the cords like jagged branches. Everywhere I looked was something sacred to the kami. No wonder Tomo hadn’t wanted to come here.
I peered into the roumon gate to see if Niichan was by the other entrance to the shrine, but all I could see were the cars zooming down the street.
