“You thought I— Oh. I said, ‘that son of a bitch’. I guess you didn’t catch all of it. I think I said more than that, and probably worse, before and after. But I’d never call you a bitch, Alex. I was the happiest man on earth, and I have the scars to prove it,” his laugh is infectious now.
“Well, he was one of the two happiest men on earth, anyway. They had to make me repeat it five times before they could understand that we found you alive and we needed an ambulance. No one expected that. We hoped for it, prayed for it, willed it to happen, but we didn’t expect it.” Jace says.
“But how long was I lost? You still haven’t told me.” I ask.
“Five days. It was five days from when he took you until we found you. That’s a pretty amazing feat considering you had no food or water and had a fractured skull. It’s quite a miracle.” Chance answers.
“Five days?” I’m trying to imagine it, that the two days I thought I was there were actually five. That I spent five days tied up in a barn. I can’t. It doesn’t seem at all possible, though I suppose I should be grateful not to have the memories of every moment.
“We were going to find you. If we hadn’t found you then we’d have kept looking. There were no other options.” Jace says.
“I don’t know what to say.” It looks like they don’t either. “Eight days unconscious here, then three awake, plus the five I was lost… it’s been sixteen days? Sixteen days since I was making spaghetti in the kitchen? Is this a joke?” My voice rises, tinged with the panic I can’t choke down.
“No joke, Alex. We wouldn’t do that. Your body was desperately trying to heal itself. You were unconscious most of the time in the barn, we assume, and then for over a week here. Some of the time here was medically induced, because the doctors felt your brain needed more time. It’s only sixteen days. It’s nothing compared to the rest of your life.” Chance says.
“Okay, but I’ve been away from Cadan for over two weeks. That’s forever to an infant. He might not even remember me. Oh my god, how has he been eating? I’m so stupid. I’m a terrible mother.” I bury my face in my hands unable to look them in the eyes.
“We switched him to a bottle long before we found you, Alex. We had to.” He pulls my hands from my face and lifts my chin. “You’re not stupid and you’re a fantastic mother. You had two, serious, traumatic brain injuries and it’s going to take time to remember everything. But you will. And you already know Cadan remembers you, because you’ve already seen him, you’re just freaked out. He’s healthy and happy, and will be even happier when his mother comes home.”
I’ve had time to process things. I don’t quite believe how much has happened. It seems like some sort of bad dream that I’ll wake up from at any moment. I realize again that I’ve become a burden, or actually an even bigger burden, to Chance than I already was. It wraps around my heart like a barbed vice.
They brought Cadan back shortly after telling me everything and I did better this time. I didn’t cry like a crazy person when they took him away. I understand what’s happened now, and though that’s a hard thing to deal with, I’m handling it. As I held him, his warm body so reassuring in my arms, I looked down into his sweet face and I quietly apologized. I apologized for abandoning him, for not being there for him, to care for him. I apologized for not protecting him, for letting my guard down and allowing us to be hurt. His little fingers gripped mine as he cooed and squirmed and I managed to keep the tears from raining down on him. I know he doesn’t understand, but these things must be said anyway. I must ask forgiveness – even when it can’t be given.
I didn’t get to hold him very long, as they insist I need the rest so I can heal and go home. Home. An interesting word. It brings to mind a safe place, somewhere warm, a smell that you can call up at will. It’s walking through a door and knowing that you belong. I realize now that I was making Chance’s home my own, and I can’t do that. I should never have done that.
The fantasies I created in my mind don’t exist in the glaring light of day. I know that when I go ho— to Chance’s house, I have to get things in order as soon as I can so Cadan and I can find a place of our own.
I care for Chance in a different way than he cares for me and after all he has done for me he deserves to have a good life, a peaceful life. He’s never going to find a girlfriend when he has a woman and child living with him.
I can’t even promise myself I wouldn’t tell him that I feel more, that he makes me want – more. And that’s not at all fair to a man that’s been nothing but honorable, kind, and generous to me and my son. I want him to be happy. I want to see him smile and hear the deep, lilting sound of his laugh. He’s given me my life, now I have to give him his. I know now that he feels responsible for what happened, and he’ll never ask for it.
Chapter Eighteen
It’s been twenty days now since I was kidnapped, fifteen days in the hospital. Today is the day I leave, I get to go home. There’s that word again – home. I have no home. I am as homeless in my heart now as I was when I had no roof over my head. I could never explain that to Chance or Jace; I think it makes me sound ungrateful and I’m certainly not. I just don’t belong.
Adding to the stress of the day, I meet their parents today. I’m most nervous about their mother of course, since she’s been taking care of Cadan, and I’m afraid she’ll feel I’ve been taking advantage of her son. I can’t say I haven’t, since I feel I have as well. And I’m not really comfortable around motherly types, I always feel that I’m lacking something. After all, my own mother didn’t want to be around me, why would anyone else’s?
I want to get ready, but I really can’t until Chance gets here with my clothes, so I sit in the uncomfortable chair in the corner and do word finds. If I have to sit in a bed for one more minute I’m going to scream.
They’ve already removed my last IV and given me my prescriptions and discharge instructions. My head is still healing so I’ll have to be very careful not to hit my head or fall until I’m completely healed, but they can’t keep me locked up in here forever. I’m still weak, and I get shaky at times, but I’m well enough to manage at home – at Chance’s house. Eventually I’ll train myself to stop calling it home.
I’ve done three word finds in an hour and I’m quite proud of my improvement when Chance walks in. Work boots, jeans, black t-shirt, and chipped tooth perfection. His silver eyes crinkle at the corners as he laughs at me, and I try to retrieve my heart from my throat.
“What’s so funny?” I ask
“You. Only you would be sitting in that chair in a hospital gown, sneakers, and a pair of gloves. Why are you wearing gloves?”
“My hands are cold? Isn’t that why most people wear gloves?” I wish he’d stop laughing; it just makes me want to shut him up… with my mouth.
“Yes, but they wear them outside, you’re inside.”
“I’m not that far gone, Chance. I know I’m inside, but my hands are always freezing now and they hurt. So, I wear gloves, then they’re warm and they don’t hurt. It’s really not that big of a deal.”
He’s not laughing now, but he is studying me in a way I really don’t like. “Maybe we should have the doctor come take a look. I haven’t seen you wear gloves before so I assume this is worse than it was?”
“I haven’t been wearing gloves because I didn’t have any. A nurse let me use them because she knew my hands were cold. It’s not worse, and the doctor already knows how bad it is. I’m getting out of here today. I want to be with my son, Chance. Please.” I know he’s just concerned, but I need to get out of here and get back to normal. I can’t do this anymore.
He’s still studying me, but his silver eyes are shot with blue, almost turquoise, and I know he’s fighting with himself over what’s best for me – Cadan or my hands. “Alright. But we’re going to mention it at your next check-up, with me in the room so I know it was mentioned, and you have to promise that if it gets worse you’ll let me know. You have to promise, Alex, or I’ll ha
ve them call him right now.”
“I promise,” I agree, though truth be known I would agree to any terms, pay any price, to get out of here and back to my son.
The ride home is more painful than I ever expected. I thought I was mostly healed, but it seems that walking around a hospital is entirely different from walking around outside in the now cold air. Every bump the truck hits stabs places in my head that I didn’t know could feel pain. My shoulder and leg are still sore, the bruises there went incredibly deep. I’m weak. Maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard to leave. Too late now.
We pull into the driveway, and I see a red truck I don’t recognize. It must belong to his parents. I don’t know if I can do this. I hope Jace is here, even though his truck isn’t. The more buffers the better.
Chance lifts me out of the truck and sets me on my feet. I point out which things need to go in first and start slowly walking to the house when the front door opens and Shadow hobbles out. As he limps his way over to me, I see that his left shoulder, leg, and part of his chest look as if they’ve been shaved, and his fur is just beginning to grow back. His tail is wagging and he’s whining low, his head down as he looks up at me through wolfish eyes.
My heart lurches into my throat, lodges there, as I drop to my knees and bury my face in his warm neck. I am careful not to hurt him and when he sits and rests his head on my shoulder, rests one of his giant paws on my thigh, I lose it. I sob uncontrollably into his soft fur, telling him again and again how sorry I am. Chance’s hand rests on my shoulder, tugging gently, and I make myself pull back from Shadow. I wipe my face as Chance helps me stand.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t expect that, I couldn’t stop it.” I say.
“It’s alright. I understand. I wish he had been fully healed before you came home.” He takes my chin in his hand, silver blue eyes staring into my heart as I desperately try to close it off.
“You can’t blame yourself for his injuries. He’s healing, slowly, just like you, and he’s going to be fine. You must know he would have died for you, and he would do it again. He loves you. You can’t take responsibility for him protecting you, that’s what he does.”
“It shouldn’t have been necessary, Chance. He shouldn’t have had to protect me. I spent so much time alone in this house, he’s one of my best friends. However pitiful that makes me, it’s fact, and I wouldn’t change it. He’s a great friend to have. But let me ask you this, Chance, if you were the cause of your best friend being shot wouldn’t you feel responsible?”
“First of all, he’s my best friend too and I’m not pitiful, so you aren’t either. Second, I would feel responsible if I had pulled the damned trigger, but I would never do that. I hope my best friend wouldn’t feel guilty if I chose to take a bullet for him, so no, I hope I wouldn’t –”
“But you can’t—” I interrupt.
“I hope I wouldn’t, but I understand what you’re saying. Just try not to be so hard on yourself, Alex. He loves you and he’s glad you’re home.” He wraps an arm around my shoulders and directs me towards the house.
“I love him too, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is to be here,” I answer as I look up and see a woman that could only be his mother walk out onto the porch. I’m not ready, I’m not ready, I’m not ready, is all I can think.
“There she is! There’s our girl,” she says as she walks down the stairs towards me. The first thing I notice about her, even from this distance, is her blue eyes. They’re a stunning shade of light blue that you can’t help but stare at. She’s smiling as she comes down the stairs in jeans, white sneakers, and a red fleece jacket.
Her ash blonde hair is shoulder length and cut in a face-framing fringe. I greet her and try to think of what to say back as she walks over to me with a welcoming smile and wraps me in a hug. I certainly wasn’t expecting that. It’s what I always imagined a motherly hug feels like, to people who get to feel those things, and I’m taken aback at the warmth and love I feel from her.
She wraps me tight, squeezes gently, and whispers in my ear, “I’m so glad you’re here. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the opportunity to meet you, and I’m so very glad I was wrong. We were all so afraid.” She squeezes me tighter, “I’m just so glad you’re here.” The emotion in her voice is palpable and I don’t understand it. She doesn’t know me, and by all rights she should view me as freeloading scum. But she doesn’t. I don’t know what to say to her, so I say nothing. I do my best to smile warmly at her when she pulls back, and hope I don’t fail in my confusion. I’ve never in my life felt accepted so instantly.
“Chance, I’m taking her in to see Cadan,” she says, and he waves and grunts as he hauls my stuff out of the truck. “I’m Sharon, Chance and Jace’s mom, by the way. I assumed he’d have already told you that, but I should’ve introduced myself properly before mauling you like a mama grizzly,” she says to me.
I can’t help but laugh. “You’re no grizzly, and yes, I know who you are,” I answer.
“Now, now, don’t sell me short. You let anybody mess with my family and you’ll see I can be quite the mama bear.” She says as she opens the door.
“I would never mess with them, they’ve—”
“Now I wasn’t talkin’ ‘bout you, don’t get your back up. I just meant that calling myself a grizzly was more accurate than maybe you know.” She laughs and it’s a relief. There’s no doubt she’s being genuine. I get the impression she’s the kind of woman that doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but she’s not going to hold back either.
She directs me to the kitchen and I walk ahead of her. When we get there, I see Cadan sitting in his bouncy chair, sleeping peacefully, and I’m relieved. He looks perfect. Completely at peace. I want desperately to wake him up, but I won’t. I sit down at the island where I can see him and look up into curious gray eyes. Chance’s eyes.
“Hello there, Alex.” The gray eyes say with a deep baritone voice. This is a grizzly. He’s a giant bear of a man, shoulders twice as wide as Chance’s, and at least six and a half feet tall. He has the same dark brown hair as Chance and Jace, but his is longer, just touching his collar.
He’s wearing a blue dress shirt, the color of his wife’s eyes and… an apron. I realize he’s doing dishes. Even more puzzling, he’s washing Cadan’s bottles. I realize he’s smiling at me, a crooked grin, very similar to his sons’, and he’s caught me staring.
“Hello, Mr. Morris. I’m sorry, you caught me off my game,” I say as I brush my hair out of my eyes.
His laugh can only be described as musical. It’s lovely and infectious and I find myself laughing with him, though I’m aware that he’s laughing at me. “I would think anyone else in your situation would have forgotten the game entirely, so just being a bit off? I’d say you’re doing incredibly well, my girl. Add to that coming home to find a man that resembles the jolly green giant in your kitchen washing bottles and I’d say it’s pretty amazing you’re still upright.”
I chuckle, “Well hell, you’re green? I’m more off my game then I thought!”
A full belly laugh rolls out of him and it startles Cadan awake. I’m so excited he’s awake, I jump up too quickly and sway on my feet. Chance steadies me, his arm around my waist before I can fall. I didn’t even realize he was in the house. “Easy there, sweetheart, you’re not at full power yet,” he says in my ear. “We’ll bring him to you. You sit your pretty self back on that stool and stay there.”
His mother and father mumble in agreement, as Martin crouches down in front of the bouncy seat. He murmurs and coos at Cadan, then picks him up. He all but disappears in Martin’s giant hands. He curls right into him though, clearly comfortable with the big man, and my heart aches. These people have given my son everything I ever wanted for him and I desperately hope they’ll still feel the same about the both of us after I move us out. I so very much want grandparents, uncles, and aunts for my boy, these are the closest to a family I’m likely to get. I hope they won’t be angry with me.
<
br /> Martin hands my son off to me, and I can’t believe how much he’s grown in the short time since I last saw him. He’s so much heavier now. When he looks up at me, I know that this is home. Wherever he is, that is my home. All I need. It will have to be enough.
“There they are. That’s a sight for eyes, eh?” Martin says and I look up to see that everyone is staring at us. I feel the blush creep up my neck as my face gets warm. I’m really not used to this kind of attention.
“It’s so good to hold him,” I mutter. “Thank you all so much for taking care of him, for treating him as you would your own family, and making sure he had everything he needed while I couldn’t be here.” Tears well up and I refuse to let them fall. I’ve spent nearly a year as an emotional basket case. It’s time to pull it together.
“We are so lucky to have you all in our lives. I don’t know what would have happened to him if you weren’t here. Or to me. I know they never would have found me in time; you all saved my life. You brought me home to him and whatever else happens, wherever we go, know that I can never repay you all for what you have done for me, what you’ve given me. I am so grateful.”
“Now, now, this is a happy moment,” Sharon says, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me in, “and you’re not going anywhere any time soon, love. You’re going to stay here and rest and be with your baby. You’re going to let all of us fawn over you, like you were a newborn yourself, and you’re not going to thank us every three minutes because that’ll wear on my nerves. We know you’re thankful, now we want you to get better.” An undercurrent of concern softens her matter of fact tone.
“Give him to me, Alex,” Chance says as he reaches for Cadan. “You head on into the living room, or your room, wherever you want to go, and put your feet up.” He continues when I don’t hand over Cadan, “I’ll follow with him and give him to you once you’re settled in a chair. I’ll give him right back, I promise.”
Courage (Strength Series Book 1) Page 11
