“Jace told me. The landlord called him to make sure you still worked for us, that you would have paychecks coming. He was shocked, and he wanted to know why I hadn’t told him.” He chuckles. “He was pissed at me. Because I hadn’t let him know you were leaving, but I had to tell him I didn’t know either.” He looks up again, and I’m looking at a broken man. I want so badly to soothe, to tell him I won’t go, but I fist my hands behind my back and clear my throat instead.
“I’m really sorry, Chance. I didn’t mean for it to be sprung on you like this. I meant for you to hear it first, and from me. I’m so sorry, but this is what I need to do. It’s not fair for you to be saddled with me and Cadan; we’re really cramping your style.” My pitiful attempt at humor falls flat. “And I need to be on my own, Chance. I can’t keep taking, taking, and never giving anything back. I have to prove, to myself, that I can do this on my own. That I’m worthy of being Cadan’s mother. That I’m worthy of everything you’ve given me. I need to know I can take care of us.”
When he stands, I see that his sadness has flipped to anger. “You don’t give anything back? You cook, you clean, you tell me when I look like a fool. You let me bounce ideas off you; you give me advice – excellent advice – about the business. You give me insight into the things I need to do better and you help me acknowledge the things I do well. You run our office just as well here from this house as you did from the office.”
“Chance, I—”
“No. I’m not finished. You’re going to let me finish, Alex, because I haven’t made a single decision since you got here without consulting you or thinking about how it affects you and Cadan. Because we’re friends, because I value your opinion, because I’d never do anything that would make you feel like you don’t matter. I’ve been so careful, but now you’ve gone and made this huge decision that changes my life, to do what’s best for me, and you never even thought to ask me. So now you’re going to listen.” He’s come closer and closer, and he’s too close now. I can’t breathe.
“You do all the things I said, and so much more, Alex. You make me want to come home. Do you know I hated this house before you got here? I couldn’t figure out what the hell I was thinking buying this big ass house, when all it did was give me more space to be alone in. I hated coming home. You made me count the hours, the minutes, until I could come home to you. You make me laugh, you make me hurt, you make me be me again. Or at least a version of me I actually like.” He rubs his hands over his face, frustration, pain, and hurt, so evident on his face tears well in my eyes and I have to fight to keep them from falling.
“I’m sor—”
“Dammit, Alex, don’t say you’re sorry. I fucked this up the other night, but I’m going to say it all now, whether you hate me for it or not.” He takes another step forward and my back is literally against the wall.
“When you had Cadan, you finally opened up. You lost the fear and you turned into an amazing mother. You laughed for the first time, really laughed, and it felt like you ripped my heart out of my chest.” He reaches up and slides his hand along my cheek until it comes to rest on the back of my neck. My heart is pounding and the warmth of his hand has knots curling in my stomach.
“Then you disappeared. I came home to Cadan crying, food burning, and a pool of blood. I thought you were gone forever and I was dying. I would sit with Cadan and promise him I’d find you. Then, when I thought I couldn’t, I promised him I’d take care of him, that I’d take care of him the way I failed to take care of you. I thought that was it, Alex. That I had missed my chance to show you what you both mean to me and it was killing me. I couldn’t imagine walking into the house with all the memories of you, knowing you’d never be in it again.”
His voice drops to a silky whisper, “Then I found you, and I knew I was getting another shot. Another shot to show you what you mean to me, that I can’t live here without you. I sat next to your bed the whole time you were in that coma. Every second they let me. I needed to be there. I read to you, I talked to you, I begged God and every other deity I could think of to give you back. When you woke up, I woke up. I could take a deep breath again. I could live again. I couldn’t when you weren’t here,” He pauses, takes a deep breath, leans his forehead against mine.
“Fuck, that sounds like some kind of guilt trip, it all does, but I don’t mean it that way, Alex. I don’t want you to stay out of pity, I want you to stay because you want to. I want you to stay because you feel something similar to what I feel for you. Even if it’s not exactly the same. You don’t owe me anything. I just need to know that you’re leaving because you don’t feel the same and not some misguided attempt to do what’s best for me. Then maybe I can let it go, let you go, because I just want you to be happy.”
“I’m leaving because I have to, Chance. It doesn’t have anything to do with my feelings for you,” I whisper.
“But it has to,” He raises his head and he’s so close that every time he exhales his breath travels along my cheek to my neck and ear, and I have to fight the urge to shiver. “Because I can’t imagine you not being here. I’ve waited for you to heal, but this feels like having my heart carved out of my body with a rusty spoon. I can’t do it. I was going to just let you go, but I can’t.”
His eyes have turned a deep sapphire blue I’ve never seen before, and I reach up to touch his cheek, unable to stop myself. He turns his face into my hand and kisses my palm. Heat and need slam into me and I gasp as he pulls his eyes back to mine. “I need you, Alex. I need you here, in this house, but more than that, I need you with me. Don’t you see? Can’t you understand? I’m in love with you, Alex.”
“Oh my g—, “ I gasp. I didn’t know how much I wanted to hear those words.
“Shhh. I’m in love with you and all I’m asking for is the opportunity to make you love me back. If you find you don’t, I’ll let you go, but I need that chance, Alex. Please, let me show you that you can love me back,” he says as he leans forward. I can’t think about anything except his hand on my neck and his lips getting closer.
I close my eyes and lean toward him, helpless, and as our lips meet, I hear him moan. Need is a living thing, and it’s feeding on me. I wrap my arms around him, deepening the kiss, my heart slamming into my throat. I smell wood and soap and his hands are hot on my skin as he lifts my sweatshirt enough to get his hands on my waist. When he moves his lips to my neck and ear, my head falls back against the wall. “Chance. I don’t—“
He jerks back as if I’d slapped him and I feel the loss of his body against mine like I’ve lost a limb. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. You make me crazy, Alex. It’s okay that you don’t want to. I’ll get a handle on myself.”
“I was going to say I don’t want you to regret this later. When you touch me, I can’t remember why I wanted to leave, who I am, anything. This is new to me; I’ve never felt like this. I can’t say I love you because I don’t think I know exactly what that means, but I can say that I’ve never felt this need for someone before. I’ve never felt so hollow when someone was gone, like I do with you.”
“It’s terrifying, and I don’t want you to wake up one morning and realize you made a mistake, that you chose the wrong girl. That you shouldn’t have picked the broken and fallen single mom, and should have just let me go.” I try to make him understand, to force every bit of pain and uncertainty I’m feeling into my voice and my eyes. So he can see it, so it’s plain. “I can’t get all wrapped up in you, just to find that I was a mistake. I’ve been a mistake my whole life, I don’t want to be your mistake, Chance. I don’t know how I’d ever forgive myself for that.”
He comes back to me and wraps me in his arms, his chin on my shoulder. “You’re not a mistake, Baby. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You and Cadan are the joy in my life. You take the time you need, but I’d very much like you to take it here.”
I nod, and he pulls away. “I’m going to let you go to bed and think this through. As much as
I want you here, I don’t want you to just jump in. I have my concerns about your regrets as well. I love you, Alex. I’ll see you in the morning.” He says, and while I feel like I should feel slighted, him sending me to be bed and walking away after everything we’ve just said, I feel treasured instead. I believe him. I head to bed to think things over, just as he suggested.
Chapter Twenty-Two
I lay in bed, thinking and staring at the play of moonlit shadows on the ceiling above me, for hours. I’m still afraid he’ll regret his decision later and find it hard to believe he really loves me. I go back and forth about it, but the fact remains that since the moment I got here, I’ve felt cared for, and for months now I have felt loved.
I think maybe I didn’t recognize it because this isn’t what I’ve known as love in my life. Usually love hurts me. My parents were supposed to love me, but hurt me time and again. Travis claimed he loved me and that doesn’t even bear thinking about. Of course, I thought I loved him as well, and maybe I did, but that didn’t get me anywhere good.
The more I consider it though, I don’t think I really loved him. I think I relied on him and mistook that need for love. I mistook my feelings of appreciation for genuine love and that’s a sad thing, for both of us. It’s hard for me to admit to myself, even though it’s helpful to realize why I’ve felt the way I have about Chance.
Making a decision, I throw the covers off and make my way down the hall, before I can change my mind.
I open the door carefully and quietly. I feel like I’m doing something wrong, but I shove that feeling down and walk into the room. I need to do this as much as I need air.
“Chance?” I whisper above him. His bare chest is exposed above the navy blanket and he looks peaceful and sexy in the moonlight. My heart pounds so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t wake him, but he doesn’t stir.
“Chance? Wake up. Can I talk to you?” He rolls toward me and opens his eyes. He sees me and jerks backward.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute. I shouldn’t have woken you up. I’m sorry,” I ramble as I realize I’ve made yet another mistake. I turn to leave, but am stopped by his hand grasping my wrist.
His voice is gravelly and sexy with sleep, “Don’t go. Feel free to scare me anytime. I’m always here if you want to talk. Always. Sit down, Alex.”
The knots curl in my stomach again as he shifts to sit up against the headboard, the blankets puddled around his waist. I’d forgotten how built he is now that it’s cold and he’s always wearing sweatshirts. He’s incredible, and I forget why I came in here as desire spreads through me. He tugs gently on my arm, and I sit down next to him.
When I pull my legs up onto the bed, the t-shirt I use as a nightgown rides high on my thighs and I nervously tug it down. I struggle to remember what I was going to say, far too aware of how close we are. How little material separates us.
“What did you want to talk to me about, Alex?” He asks, his voice still husky. He looks at me, bleary silver eyes slowly traveling over me and up to my face.
“I-I wanted to talk about earlier. I couldn’t sleep. I tried, but I just kept staring at the ceiling and thinking about everything you said. How I got here. How we met. What I’ve been through. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah. Did you come to any conclusions I should be aware of, or do you just want to talk it through? I’m happy to help you if that’s what you need. I hope you know that you can tell me anything. Even if it hurts me, it’s not going to change how I feel about you or Cadan.” He shifts slightly and takes my hand in his, “I promise it won’t. You hear me? Anything.”
I nod. I feel so much better with his hand holding mine. Stronger. I take a deep breath, then another. He waits patiently as I pull myself together.
“Okay. So, when you met me I was a mess. Anyone could see that.” He breathes in, as if he’s going to interrupt, so I rush on. “No, don’t correct the truth, Chance. I was a mess. I was seven months pregnant and ended up homeless the day you met me. In front of you. That’s just fact. I didn’t have a job, didn’t have much more than the clothes on my back. That’s just the way it is.” I smile.
“I was in a desperate situation, and you were kind enough to pick me up when I was down. Because of that I’ve pushed down, and stomped on, every feeling I’ve had for you other than that of friend, from the beginning. At first, I told myself it was because you would never feel the same about me and I didn’t want to break my own heart. Later, it was because I felt I didn’t deserve you.” When he moves to interrupt again, I silence him with a look. “You had your turn earlier, this is mine.”
He nods, though he doesn’t look at all pleased about it, and I continue. “I didn’t feel that I deserved you. You’re out of my league, Chance. That’s another fact. I’m a poor kid, who may as well be an orphan, and you’re the kid that had the Brady Bunch experience growing up. Everything you ever needed was available; you knew you were loved, that you were wanted. You had the security of people around you that would do anything for you. To keep you safe. To help you prosper. That’s a beautiful thing. I envy that on some level, every moment of it, but not because I’m jealous. I don’t think I really am.”
“I think that if I had had all of those things I wouldn’t be the person I am today. The woman sitting in front of you is damaged and broken, but I’m learning how to put myself back together. I was never wanted, no one ever cared if I was okay as long as I didn’t make too much noise and stayed out of their way. I don’t blame them, not really. Not because I don’t think I’m worthy of those things, but because they had their own demons to deal with, and they just couldn’t find a way to fit me in.”
“That’s their loss, Alex.” He interrupts before I can stop him. “It’s doesn’t have anything to do—“
“With me.” I finish for him. “I know that. Let me finish, please. I know it doesn’t have anything to do with my worth, but it has had an effect on me. I can’t deny that.”
I take another deep breath. Now the hard part, “When Travis took me in, I really believe he cared about me in the beginning. When things were good. I can’t imagine that he actually put all those months of friendship in just to get laid. The drugs changed him, so much, and I thought it was my job to save him. By the time I realized that saving him was going to kill me, I didn’t know how to get out. It’s only tonight I’ve come to realize that I never actually loved him. I thought I did, but I think in reality what I felt was obligation and loyalty. And that makes me incredibly sad, because he’s dead and I almost was – and for what? For misplaced devotion. I should have realized the truth sooner, and maybe we both would have been spared.” I put my hand up to stop him again, so he wraps an arm around my shoulders. I can’t stop myself from snuggling in and I appreciate that he’s not making me look at him now. I’d never get to the end if I had to.
“I think I thought that what I felt for you was the same thing. Because you’re the white knight that comes charging in to save the princess, and I thought that meant all of my feelings were because of that. Another form of loyalty. I couldn’t stop myself from messing things up so badly with Travis, whether I was to blame or not I certainly played a part, and I didn’t want that to happen with us.” I hurry to the next part, “And I know you’re nothing at all like him. That’s not what I mean, but I couldn’t let you know how I felt when I was sure it would ruin everything between us.”
“I hope you don’t still feel that way, Alex. I’m responsible for my own actions. I don’t want you to feel like you have to protect me from anything. You can say whatever it is that you need to.”
“I know. And I appreciate that so much, Chance. The thing is, it’s not the same thing and I know that now. I know that what I feel for you is different. I want you to be happy, I want to be here with you, but for the first time in my life when I’m alone I’m not terrified. It doesn’t feel like I can’t breathe when there isn’t someone right next to me, and you’re
partially what gave me that confidence. I feel like you believe in me. And I don’t want to leave. I know it sounds like I do, but I don’t. I just needed to know that I could and now I don’t feel like I’ll never make it on my own. That’s so important to me.”
He tenses and I can feel the confusion emanating from him so I hurry to finish. “I know I’m probably not making any sense. What I mean is, because I could leave if I needed to, because I know that I could take care of Cadan all on my own, I can stay. Because I want to stay, not because I need to stay and I don’t have anywhere else to go.” I find the courage to look up and find him staring at me with a small crooked grin.
“I know what you mean. And I can’t tell you what that means to me, that you’re willing to stay here with me. I really want you to. That is what you’re saying isn’t it?” he asks.
“Yes, that’s what I’m saying. Because I really don’t want to miss you, and I don’t want to go, and then wonder what could have been. I feel closer to you than I’ve ever felt to anyone in my life and I don’t want to let that go. I may wonder what I could have accomplished on my own now that I have my feet under me, but I think I’ll wonder what could have been with you a lot more if I was to leave.”
“So, I’d like to stay. I’d like to see what happens. I just want to make sure you understand how badly things could go wrong, since I’m not very good at this. And your parents will probably be pretty disappointed. I mean I know they like me well enough, but that’s different than me being your girlfriend.”
Courage (Strength Series Book 1) Page 13
