I was on the sidewalk near the fraternities when I spotted someone leaning against a tree that sat in our neighbors’ yard. A girl who was fiddling with the bottom of her shirt, her blonde hair cut short. Her backpack sat on the grass beside her, and she looked every bit as hurt as she did way back when, before everything happened last year.
God, I really was a fuckup. I couldn’t ever do anything right. Last year, I regretted it completely, but still, just because I regretted it didn’t mean I could take it back.
My feet drew me to her. She was pretty, but she wasn’t the one who made my heart feel like it threatened to beat from my chest. Everything that I said last year, everything I did…it was all for this stupid fraternity.
“Mel,” I said, causing her eyes to look up. “What are you doing here?” This was the last place she should be, so close to Sigma Chi, so close to Dean. Dean was either inside the house or still at his classes for the day, otherwise I knew he’d be out here with her. He might be the biggest tool around, but he still held a flame for her.
He was toxic, but even toxic people could love.
“I was waiting for you, actually,” Mel spoke, a sad look in her eyes. I hadn’t seen her in months, but I knew…I knew what happened. I knew that she’d tried to kill herself last year. What I did, combined with what Dean had done before—it was too much for her. Too much for her to handle.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
“I know.” She tossed a look over her shoulder, as if expecting Dean to stroll up and make his presence known. But Dean was nowhere nearby. “But it’s the only place I could think of to catch you.”
“Dean could’ve—”
Mel cut in, “I know, but I decided to take that chance.” Her dark gaze studied me, running up and down my body, and I wondered if she still felt for me, if she’d ever felt for me. Maybe her feelings for me last year were simply because of a broken heart. She’d wanted me to put her back together again, but I didn’t. I went and broke her apart further. Dean had led her to the cliff, and I’d pushed her off. “I need to talk to you.”
I had no idea why she’d need to talk to me, unless…
“Dean texted me a video,” Mel added, her brown gaze rising to meet mine. It held not a trace of the fire Kelsey’s amber gaze held. “It’s not the first time he’s tried to talk to me. I don’t know how he got my new number, but I know Dean has his ways.”
My stomach hardened. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that I knew what video she was talking about.
“Just tell me, Levi,” Mel said. “Tell me why. Do you plan on hurting Kelsey the same way you hurt me? Is this some game you guys do every year? Place bets on who can break someone so much they want to…” She had to pause to swallow her emotions. “To kill themselves?”
“No,” I told her, meaning it. I knew believing me would be near impossible for her, but she had to know that I…it wasn’t like that with Kelsey. What I had with Kelsey was real, and Dean had made sure to fuck it all up. He apparently hadn’t fucked things up enough, though, if he’d sent the video to Mel.
Dean wanted Kelsey to be miserable too. Oh, that guy… I felt my hands clench into fists at my sides. I was going to beat the shit out of him.
“No, I…it’s not like that, with Kelsey,” I told her, wanting her to believe it, believe me. A hard sell, considering our pasts.
“So it was just like that with me?”
“That’s not what I said.” It wasn’t what I said, but it was true. I never felt for Mel, never cared for her. She wasn’t my type. Her personality didn’t mesh with mine. I needed…well, turned out I needed someone like Kelsey, but Kelsey was off the table, especially now. It was only a matter of time before Mel sat Kelsey down and told her, if she hadn’t already.
Mel shook her head. “That’s always been the thing with you, hasn’t it? It’s always what you don’t say. You always keep the truth to yourself, and you know what? That’s what makes things hurt even worse.”
Her words were true, but still I didn’t like hearing them.
“Let me ask you this: does Kelsey know about us? I’ve mentioned what happened last year with her, but I never got into many details because…” Mel paused, staring at me with an expression of pain. “Because it hurts to remember those days.”
I wanted to walk away from this conversation, pretend none of this was happening. This was all too real, and if there was one thing I didn’t handle well, it was real emotions—in case you didn’t already know. I was fucked up.
Eventually I said, “No, Kelsey doesn’t know about us. I didn’t tell her.”
“Did you know she was my roommate before you…” Slept together. Mel couldn’t even say it, not that I could blame her.
Shaking my head, I said again, “No. I didn’t know.”
“And once you found out, you and Dean came up with a plan to get back at me again?”
“This isn’t about you,” I told her, a bit harsher than I wanted to be. Well, in a way it was about her, because I’d refused Dean when he told me to talk to Kelsey and help convince her that she should tell Mel to get back with him. But everything else? No, it wasn’t about her. It was about me, and my inability to tell the truth, to fight for what mattered most to me.
“It’s not about me,” Mel repeated. “Has it ever been about me, or has it always been about Dean?”
“Mel, I—” This was the first time I’d spoken to her after what happened. There really was nothing to say.
She bent to pick up her bag, wrapping the strap around her shoulders. “I really don’t want to hear it, Levi. I only came to see if you were trying to play Kelsey like you played me, to tell you that you should just give up. Kelsey’s not like me. She’s stronger, and as soon as she sees that video, she’s going to hate you.”
I wanted to laugh, because that much was already true. That night at the party, me following her and Grady, interrupting their hookup, it had only been a temporary respite. I’d never really have Kelsey again.
Mel started to walk away, and it was as she walked away that I wondered if she’d go and talk to Kelsey about it. If they’d have a long heart-to-heart and confess their secrets to each other. If Mel told Kelsey what happened last year already, if she told Kelsey that it was me who was the last straw, Kelsey would never want to look at me again, and I couldn’t blame her.
I watched Mel leave, all the while standing there and letting my anger fester. This was a fuckfest of epic proportions, and I was going to beat the shit out of Dean for this. For dragging Mel into this. You’d think the asshole would’ve learned by now that Mel wasn’t his, that he’d fucked up and lost her—that there was no coming back from what he did. But no…
No, my life couldn’t be simple. I had to lose the one thing I actually cared about.
Kelsey.
Chapter Twenty-Three – Kelsey
Something was wrong with Mel, I knew. I knew something was wrong with her, because she was hardly talking to me, hardly looking at me. She never smiled anymore—not that she smiled much to begin with, but sometimes my snark got her to chuckle, at least. Not now. Not for the last few days. Something was bothering her, and it was for a purely selfish reason that I wanted to find out what it was.
Selfish because I could then focus on what was wrong with her instead of the multitude of things that were wrong with me. And there were a lot. My whole life felt like it was falling apart, and everything I did only added fuel to the fire.
It was a few days along when I could no longer take it. I was sitting at my desk, trying to outline a paper with three main subjects while doing some research on my phone—the bulk of my research would be done at the library after the outline was done—and she had earphones in, listening to music while doing some math homework.
I heaved a sigh to myself as I scooted my chair back and stood up. I spun and marched over to her, yanking out one of her earbuds and causing her brown gaze to snap in my direction. I leaned on her desk, crossing my arms as I held her sta
re. It was the longest time she’d stared at me in the last few days.
“You want to tell me what’s going on?” I asked, cocking my head. My brown hair was in an unkempt mess on my shoulders, the waviness more like windswept instead of cute, gentle beach waves. I never looked cute. Never. I was not one of those girls who held that power. “Or am I going to have to drag it out of you? And I will, you know. I will drag it out of you.” Me telling her I was stubborn felt like the pot calling itself black; we both knew it by now, so I might as well save my breath.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Mel muttered, turning away from me. She pulled out her second earbud and stood, walking away. Granted, she only walked to her bed, so it wasn’t like I couldn’t follow her.
“Are you sure? Because you’ve been kind of miserable these last few days,” I said. Had she seen the video of Levi and me? I didn’t want her to; I didn’t want her to think that I’d purposefully kept him a secret from her. Which…okay, I totally had, but that was beside the point. I’d learned my lesson when it came to Levi.
Mel tossed me a lingering look. Hurt flashed behind those warm, amber eyes, and inside, I felt instantly sad. It was hard not to be saddened when faced with a look like that. It was a look that said she was beaten, broken, depressed. It was a look I’d do anything to wipe from her face.
Regardless of the fact that I’d kept Levi to myself, she was my friend. I did my best to protect my friends, even if it was from themselves. Just ask Ash: I was there for her when no one else was. I never asked questions, even when she called me during her little retreat with secret her boyfriend, even when she’d entered my car, covered in blood.
I liked to think I was a good friend, or at least a decent one. I could be a good one to Mel, if she’d open up to me and tell me what was wrong. Did she see the video, or did Dean try to talk to her again? Was it something else? Did I need to dick-punch anyone for her?
Mel coughed, glancing down to her phone in her lap. Her fingers moved against the screen as she softly asked, “Have you seen this?” She lightly tapped her phone before offering it to me. I took it, and the instant I saw the room through a night vision lens, I knew what I was watching.
Levi and me, getting down and dirty. Me going at his cock like its cum held magical qualities that would cure me of my rashness.
The sound was on, so I was able to hear our groans, every little sound we made. I set her phone down, feeling my cheeks heat up. So this was all because of me. Her attitude these last few days, how sad and miserable she’d acted, was because of what I did with Levi.
Honestly? I felt terrible. I didn’t want to be the cause of so much strife in Mel’s life. Mel had already been through so much, she didn’t need me adding onto the pile of shit that was her past. She needed a friend, a good friend, someone who wouldn’t fuck her over.
I didn’t bother to pause it, and it took everything in me to ignore the sounds of Levi’s and mine’s lovemaking, to turn toward Mel and say, “I know I should’ve told you, but I didn’t want you to think that I was…I don’t know, sleeping with the enemy or something. I told you to be strong against Dean, and then I go and sleep with one of Dean’s friends—”
“So you don’t know, then,” Mel spoke sadly, giving me a frown that I felt in my very soul.
The video abruptly cut to another scene; Levi and I were no longer having sex. Instead, we were laying with each other, practically cuddling. I watched in horror as I confessed to Levi the fact that my parents were getting divorced. Me, being so open, so honest, so emotionally vulnerable, to someone who I hardly knew. Me, practically laying my soul bare.
Me, making the worst mistake ever.
This…this part of the video, it was almost worse than the previous part. This made me see nothing but red, feel a type of hatred so strong it threatened to shatter my bones. I wanted to dick-punch Levi so hard he’d never be able to get his cock erect again. Future children? Oh, he won’t be able to have them once I was through with him.
I hated how weak I sounded. I hated how open and vulnerable my voice was in the video, how innocently I’d laid there, confessing something to him I hadn’t even told my best friend. This. This was it. I might’ve still lost myself to Levi in daydreams, but that bastard was done.
“You never told me your parents were getting divorced,” Mel whispered, still frowning. Still ridiculously sad. Still heartbroken.
I shrugged. Below me, the video was finally over, and I handed her back her phone.
“You also never told me you slept with Levi,” she added.
Burying my face in my hands, I said, “I knew you’d hate me for it.”
“Kelsey,” Mel said, setting her phone aside. “I could never hate you. I know you wouldn’t do that to hurt me. What I’m worried about is Levi hurting you—and this video…it just proves it. He’s not a good guy.”
“I know—”
“Do you? Do you know?” She interrupted me, something so unlike her I couldn’t help but stare. “I don’t think you do. Let me tell you exactly how bad of a guy Levi is. Last year, after I found out Dean had cheated on me and broke up with him, I was depressed. I’d lost my first love in the worst way possible…and then there he was. There to pick me up and dust me off.”
I stared at her, my mouth falling open. The one who’d hurt her after Dean was…Levi?
Mel continued, “I fell for him, because who wouldn’t? I fell for him, and because I was so broken from Dean, I…I let him in. The day after we slept together, he sent me a text and broke up with me, telling me that I was just an easy win. One after the other. I thought…I thought I was unlovable, that something was wrong with me.”
My emotions were all over the place. My gut was on the floor, my heart practically palpitating in my chest. I wanted nothing to do with Levi after this. Absolutely nothing. That man was dead to me. This…there was no coming back from this. From our sex tape? Maybe. Maybe I would’ve let him grovel for a while before slowly coming to accept his pathetic apology.
But there was no apologizing for what he did to Mel, for what his actions led her to do. He had a hand in her attempted suicide, and I knew better than to say all blame was on her, even if she was ultimately the one who’d tried to end her life. When you were depressed, you felt alone. Why the hell would anyone want to live the rest of their life alone?
“I didn’t know, Mel,” I told her, hoping she believed me. I didn’t want her to think I’d purposefully hurt her like this. I never…if I would have known what Levi did, I never would’ve gone to him that night. I would’ve cut myself off from him from the root. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Me? I could handle. I could handle the sex tape—and even the extra-long tape where I confessed my parents’ failing marriage. It ticked me off, but I could handle it. This? Mel shouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I’d brought this particular storm to her door, and I just hoped she wouldn’t regress and become the same fragile girl she was last year.
Granted, I didn’t know how bad she was last year, but I could imagine.
“I’m not mad at you,” Mel spoke quietly. She fiddled with her hands on her lap. “I just…I didn’t want you to get played like I did, but I guess it’s too late for that.” She referenced the tape, to which I could only shrug.
“I don’t care about the tape.” A lie, considering my blood had been boiling so much I could hardly think straight when I first saw it. “Who showed it to you?”
“Dean,” Mel said. “It’s funny. I changed my number, but somehow he got it anyways. He texted it to me, told me that I had the right to know my roommate is lying to me.” Her voice got quiet, and she pursed her lips. “I don’t think you lied to me on purpose. I think this is all just some fucked-up way of my life saying this horrible chapter isn’t over yet.”
I didn’t know if I could agree with that or not. I didn’t want Mel to think that all of this was done on purpose, even if she believed me to be an innocent pawn in this twisted game. I wasn�
��t. I’d known all along Levi was friends with Dean, but I’d gone along with him anyway, snuck around with him everywhere we could, squeezing in time away from his fraternity and away from my dorm room and Mel.
No, I wasn’t innocent in this. Not by a long shot.
“He used you to get to me, to break me again,” Mel said, and inside, I felt my heart hurt. I didn’t want this girl to think that I could be used against her. Ever.
Though I wasn’t much of a hugger, I threw my arms around her and gave her one, anyway. Her thin body felt like bones in my grip, and even though she was taller than me, I bet she weighed less than me. She had no figure, hardly any chest or ass. She was like a mannequin at the mall; in the vague shape of a person, but not a real one. Almost, I’d hesitate to add, anorexic.
“No one can use me against you,” I told her as I hugged her. “Us girls got to stick together. Hoes before bros.”
Mel chuckled into my shoulder, and I felt myself smiling even though my heart was currently tearing itself apart in my chest. “I’ve never heard that one before.”
I was slow to release her from the hug. “I know, I know. It’s usually bros before hoes, but you know what? I’m reclaiming the word hoe, and any dickbag who wants to use it will have to go through me.”
Mel gave me a tiny, miniscule smile. “You sure you’re okay? With all this?”
Nodding once, I asked, “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine,” she said, and because I was stupid, I believed her.
What was even worse?
I lied to her, because I was so not okay. The very opposite. I was, in that moment, the worst I’d ever been in my life. I could feel myself start to lose it. What little sanity I had, what little part of my brain that held myself back and stopped me from going wild—it was gone.
That night, as I lay awake in my bed, unable to sleep, I stared at the smooth ceiling above me. It was odd, feeling yourself start to slip. I didn’t think I was losing my grip on reality, but there it was: everything I thought was true was flipped upside-down, and I was left to deal with the aftermath. This was my mess. I’d made it, as both knowingly and unknowingly as I was, and I had to clean it up.
Playing Games: A College Bully Romance Page 14
