"I know, it's alot to consider," Koran Dar said in a reassuring tone as they passed a quartet of men in chain jacks, Tower guards patrolling the halls. "I bet right now you're wondering if you want to be a Were-cat again."
"A little," he said with a bit of a flush.
"Don't dwell on the negatives, Tarrin," he said in a gentle voice. "You had alot of trouble with it at first. I won't lie to you about that. But when you came back the second time, before the battle, you seemed to be completely in control of yourself. You were even happy. I think you really were happy, Tarrin. You had found peace within yourself and had embraced your new life completely. I honestly believe that if you had your memory back right now, you'd want to be a Were-cat again."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Camara's told me alot about what happened, more than most of the others know," he disclosed. "There was alot of pain in your past, but you had come through all of it and managed to keep your sanity. That's the mark of a strong mind and an unbreakable will."
"She really loves you, you know," Tarrin blurted. "Camara Tal does."
"I know she does," he sighed.
"You love her too, don't you?"
"Of course I do, Tarrin," he admitted. "But you know Amazon custom. No matter how much I love her, I simply can't go back with her. Not knowing what's waiting for me there."
"You know," Tarrin said in a pondering tone, "Camara's starting to get desperate about getting you back. If you did things right, you could wring some concessions out of her."
"Really?" he asked with an amused look. "Like what?"
"Well, now that the Weave is restored, I'm sure you could figure out some way to use magic to travel between Amazar and one of the Towers," he proposed. "As long as you can get here and do your work, does it really matter where you live? I think Camara Tal would agree to letting you stay as a katzh-dashi if it meant she got you the rest of the time." He touched his own amulet. "And these let you talk with the other Sorcerers when you need to, so alot of the time, I bet you wouldn't have to come all the way to the Tower to do some of your work. And when you did, even if you couldn't use magic to travel yourself, you could always call one of the Sha'Kar to come and get you. Jenna is my sister, you know. I can make her agree to anything it would take to let you arrange things with Camara Tal."
"My, it sounds like you've thought about this," Koran Dar chuckled. "And why bother? My problems with Camara aren't really your problems."
"Camara Tal's my friend, Koran Dar," Tarrin told him honestly. "I really like her, and I don't like seeing her in pain like that. I like you too, and I know you can't like what's going on either. Not if you love her."
"No, not really," he admitted. "The only thing keeping me from Camara is the society we live in."
"She's changed alot since you last really talked to her, Koran Dar," Tarrin told him. "I think that if you met her and bargained hard, you could get her to give over on some of those things."
"She's a High Priestess of Neme, Tarrin," Koran Dar sighed. "She's a paragon of Amazon society. There is absolutely no way she'll relax the rules."
"Well, there's no way she'll relax the rules that others can see," Tarrin said shrewdly. "I bet that if you agreed to keep your agreement a secret and at least pretended to go by the Amazon rules, you know, put on a public face, she'd let you break them in private. That way she saves face, you keep your freedom, and you two can finally be together."
Koran Dar gave Tarrin a very surprised look. "You know something, Tarrin?" he asked with a laugh. "That makes sense! I hate to admit it, but I think you've hit on an idea here. If I did at least pretend to behave like a proper Amazon husband, I think I just might be able to wring some concessions out of Camara concerning my freedom. And you're right. If the Sha'Kar can't teach me how to Teleport, then I'm sure you and me and Jenna could work out some kind of arrangement where they could come and get me."
"Well, you could always talk to her and see if you can't work it out," Tarrin offered.
"I believe I will, Tarrin," he said, patting him on the shoulder fondly. "I believe I will. You know, it shows much about your character that in the midst of so many of your own personal problems, you'd be so willing and able to help others with theirs. You're a remarkable young man, and I'm honored to know you."
"It's nothing, Koran Dar," he said with a blush. "Mother always says helping people solve their problems sometimes helps you solve your own."
"Call me Koran, Tarrin," the Amazon man smiled, "and it sounds like you have a very wise mother."
"I think so," Tarrin affirmed.
"So do I."
Tarrin walked along with the Amazon, his own fears and worries momentarily forgotten. In all the chaos in his life, at that moment, it just felt good that he could help solve at least someone's problems. Even if they weren't his own.
After a good breakfast with Koran Dar, the Amazon left him to seek out Camara Tal, and that left him alone. He wandered the halls of the Tower aimlessly, then found himself on the gravelled pathways of the gardens, walking by himself to sort things out in his mind. The distraction of Koran Dar was long forgotten as he worried over how the Were-cats were going to react to the news, and what it would mean to him personally.
He had a choice to make. He knew that, but he had been trying to discreetly avoid the issue over the last couple of days. He really didn't want to think about it now, but Phandebrass' revelation was forcing his hand, and he knew that he had to start really thinking about it.
He'd heard all the stories now, and from what he'd heard, the Tarrin who had been a Were-cat had been a very dark, menacing fellow, full of anger and pain and shockingly brutal at times. He didn't sound like a very good person to be, and he had been carrying around alot of pain. He'd heard of all the things he'd done and the many people he'd killed, all the evil had had both witnessed and perpetrated in the name of his mission. That Tarrin was ruthless, monstrous, almost evil in his own right, probably just as bad, if not worse, than the very ones he opposed.
But on the other hand, that Tarrin had two children, had two women who were utterly devoted to him, and he had been trying to build a future for himself. Triana had known that Tarrin better than anyone else possibly could have known him, and she told him about how he had managed to come to terms with the darkness inside him. How he had learned to let go of the anger and pain, how he had changed so much since entering the desert with the Faerie Sarrya. It was like he was a different person. When he thought of that Tarrin in those terms, he seemed courageous, almost inhumanly courageous, battling against all odds to manage to come out on top. That Tarrin may have been cold and ruthless, but it was just that. He had been. That Tarrin had changed, had shed some of the ferality that made him so nasty, had found acceptance within himself and had again learned to love, and to trust.
But if he decided to be a Were-cat again, which Tarrin would he be? Would he be the ruthless monster, or the Were-cat he had been just before he lost his memory, the one who had been fighting for happiness rather than making the rest of the world share his pain? Triana had pulled no punches. She admitted that she had no idea how this ordeal was going to affect him. It could make him feral again, or it may not. There was no telling how he would be if he was restored to his Were nature.
And on the other hand, what if he decided to stay human? He could build a new life for himself, the life of a Sorcerer, or anything he wanted to be. The possibilities were endless before him, because it was as if he had been given a second chance, another bite at the apple. He had no memory of his life before, and if he decided to stay human...perhaps it was best to leave those memories forever buried in the depths of his darkest mind. He could be a Sorcerer in the Tower, he could learn all over again, he could be what he was meant to be from the beginning, before Jesmind's bite had so radically altered his life. Or he could leave the Tower and go back to Aldreth, or even decide to travel the world. He could be whatever he wanted to be, he knew he could.
And there was
Auli.
That thought just crept in there out of nowhere, but once it got into his mind, he couldn't let go of it. If he stayed human, he could explore just how far Auli wanted to go with him, an idea that had been eating at him since she kissed him. He just couldn't get the Sha'Kar girl out of his mind, even though he knew he had to get her out of his mind. He'd told himself he couldn't get involved with her right now, he needed to make an objective decision, and she was clouding the issue. But he liked her, alot. And she was so much what he wanted in a woman.
Auli wasn't the only reason to stay human. The simple fact of knowing that the tortures and horrors of the past years would never haunt him again was also a powerful piece on the board. And he was born human, wouldn't it be only natural to want to stay the way he'd been born, the only thing he'd ever known? He couldn't remember being a Were-cat. It felt natural, perfect, for him to be as he was, even if there was a large hole in his memory.
Memory. He thought before that it wouldn't be right to make his decision until he got back his memory so he could make a decision based on all the facts. But if he did get back his memory and decided to stay human, then the memory of what he had once been would always be there, and he had the feeling that it would haunt him for the rest of his days. Not just the memory of what he had lost, but the memory of the things he had done. Tarrin the Were-cat may have had the mental control and willpower to be able to cope with such awful memories, but he wasn't sure if Tarrin the human could. They may be too much for him to handle, and that would permantly stain any life he may be able to enjoy as a human.
No, if he wanted to stay a human, then it would be best if those memories were never awakened again.
But there were some things that he really did need to know, things that he had to understand before he could make such an important decision. And he didn't want to learn those things from Triana or Jesmind. Their bias was obvious, and he didn't want them flavoring things to sway him. He wanted an honest opinion, a clear one, a consice one. And he knew who would have one. It wouldn't be Allia or Keritanima, for they were too close to him. It wouldn't be Dolanna or Camara Tal, it wouldn't be Azakar or Miranda.
If he wanted an honest opinion uncluttered by personal view, he knew Dar would be the best one to give it to him. The young man was very smart and quite insightful, and he had a very formidable ability to see both sides of an issue, a trait instilled in him by his parents, who had been training him to be a merchant. Merchants had to understand both sides of the issue in order to be able to assume the most profitable posture in the bargaining.
Looking for Dar was one thing. Finding him on the vast grounds of the Tower was quite another. After checking his room and Dolanna's room, he found himself suddenly having no idea where to look. He didn't really know what Dar and Dolanna did in the Tower. For that matter, he really wasn't sure what all the other Sorcerers did in the Tower either. He guessed they went off and did magic things or studied or such things, things he probably wouldn't understand without his memory. The only one whose job he really understood was Jenna's, and that was only because she had explained most of it to him. He decided to just wander around and try to find someone he knew, and maybe they could show him to Dar or use magic to tell him where to go. Besides, it was a very nice summer day, and he really didn't want to spend it sitting in a room somewhere or wandering stuffy hallways.
Where he eventually ended up was on the periphery of the sand-covered ground used by the cadets of the Knights, and he stood there and watched as ten armored Knights prowled around on the large field and oversaw about fifty armored cadets going through sword exercises. They practiced with wooden replicas of swords, swinging them at one another but not close enough to make actual contact. The ten Knights paced up and down the lines of the cadets and corrected forms or stopped a cadet and explained something to him. He hadn't seen them practice before, and it reminded him of his own dream to be a Knight, to be out there on that training field and swinging one of those practice swords. It didn't look like wearing that armor in this heat would be very comfortable, but it was what he had wanted to do. Personally, Tarrin didn't see much use for armor. He never really had, at least not the kind of armor the Knights wore. That kind of heavy armor weighed a man down, restricted his movement and his mobility, and sometimes became more of a liability than an advantage. A fast opponent, more lightly armed, yet with enough strength and a suitable weapon to penetrate that armor could take down and armored foe easily. But that was a rather specialized situation. On the average, and in the furtherance of protecting Sorcerers, Tarrin could both see and understand why the Knights wore heavy armor. They did alot of travelling, and their horses bore most of that weight. Knights were trained extensively for mounted combat. That armor may be useless against a special foe, but it did grant a very formidable advantage against most others. The average peasant with a knife or threshing staff or pitchfork was not going to be taking a Knight. He probably wouldn't be able to take a Knight who was totally naked and unarmed. Knights were some of the most expertly trained warriors in the world. They were even respected by the Ungardt, and one had to be a very good warrior for an Ungardt to respect him.
He'd wanted to be out there, but he knew that even if he decided to remain human, he never really could. After all, he already was a Knight. He remembered that part of the story that Dolanna told him. He and Allia both were Knights, though they'd never gone through the same training as the others. They were special Knights, answering only to Darvon, the Lord General, who really didn't order them around. Dolanna told him that they'd Knighted the two of them because they'd become so close to the Knights. Allia and Tarrin had trained many of them in their forms of fighting, to give the Knights a stronger base in unarmed combat and make them more effective. Dolanna said that the Knights even branded themselves now, because of the brands on Tarrin and Allia. She said it was the code of the Knights, We are one under Karas, meaning that what one Knight did, all did, and when one Knight needed help, all of them answered the call. Since Tarrin and Allia had had the fortitude to allow themselves to be branded, all of the other Knights had had themselves branded as well as a symbol of their unity. That kind of powerful brotherhood was a weapon in and of itself, and it made the Knights even more feared as a whole than they were individually. Nobody--nobody--insulted or irritated a Knight. He very well may have the entire order lined up at his front door the next day, waiting their turn to demand satisfaction.
He tried to remember what Dolanna had told him. Knight Champion, that was what she called it. Darvon had Knighted both him and Allia and given them that title. Darvon had given them that title, and it meant that he was outside the structure of command in the order itself. He and Allia only answered to Darvon, and Darvon had basicly told them to do whatever they pleased. He'd done it to give Tarrin more leverage to use against the Council to make them give him more freedom, so they'd told him. But after they'd Knighted them, the Knights had accepted both of them as if they had undergone the training. They truly were members of the order.
Tarrin wondered what the Knights would think of what happened to him. He didn't remember any of them but Faalken, who had died, but he'd heard a great deal about Darvon. He was supposed to be a very wise man. He wondered if Darvon was down there in the compound right now, and if he'd see Tarrin if he asked around for him. Maybe Darvon would have some good advice for him, or maybe he could tell him some things about his time in the Tower that the others didn't know. Besides, he was supposedly a Knight, and he had a problem. The code of the Knights meant that if he had a problem, then it was a problem that the entire order would try to help him solve.
He realized he was just trying to make excuses to go in there and see what it was like with the Knights. He had no memory of them, and he doubted any of them would even recognize him like he was now. But it was a childhood dream to be a Knight, to wear the spurs, and the knowledge that he had accomplished that goal seemed empty without any memory of how it had come to pass.
"Good day to you, honored one," the lead one said, a very tall, willowy Sha'Kar with the strangest mix of coloring. She had the dusky brown skin of the Sha'Kar, but she had flaming red hair. It was a very unusual combination, and it made her stand out from the other three, who had varying shades of blond hair. The redhead wore a red robe that closely matched her hair, as if to advertise her unusual hair.
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