"I know it upsets you, but this is a very emotional issue for them, small one," she said in a calm voice. "They may not seem like it, but they all love you very much. They care about what happens to you. That's why this has gotten them so worked up. I care about you even more than them, but at least I understand the core of things. As long as you are happy, then I am happy, no matter what you choose to be."
"Why can't they understand that?" he asked plaintively.
"Because they look at you in a way flavored by themselves," she said simply. "Dolanna and Dar are human, so it is natural for them to want you to stay that way. Jesmind and Kimmie were your mates, so they want you back. Allia sees you through her honor, and Miranda sees you through your devotion. Keritanima sees only what she wants in you," she said sourly. "Each of them sees you a different way, but it's a way influenced by themselves. It is only natural for one to see another through shaded eyes. I often think it a great waste you were born a biped," she admitted with a slight smile. "Not all of them think that way, though. The Were-cat, Mist, she understands. So does Camara Tal, and Azakar. Wise humans, those two. They even impress me. They see the truth of it. But it's not a truth you can just say to another. It's a truth that each of them must discover for himself."
"Maybe, but I'd really appreciate it if they'd discover it already," he said petulantly.
Sapphire actually laughed. "Spoken like a true child," she teased. "It is always now now now for you young ones. The years will teach you that time is not an enemy, and each thing comes at its proper time and in its proper place. To rush such things is inviting disaster."
"It already feels like a disaster," he complained.
"Perhaps. Or perhaps now they will see with eyes untainted by what comes from within. Only time will tell. Just don't forget that no matter how much they annoy you, they are still clan to you, small one. Clan is all. Things like this, they pass with the blowing sands. Clan is the rock beneath, the rock the sands cannot change. Keep your feet on the rock, small one. Reach through the sand and always keep your feet on the rock."
Strangely enough, that made him feel better. Sapphire was a very wise dragon, and though she hadn't comforted him in so many words, her assurances eased his mind in ways that cooing and baby talk never could. She reminded him that all the fighting was because his friends cared about him and only wanted what was best for him, and that in time, it would all be forgotten. The foundation of the friendships shared among their circle ran too deeply for them to be eroded by so petty a division. All he had to do was wait it out. If anything, the potion would end all of it. When he got his memory back, this would be a moot point.
He just had to wait for that day.
Though Tarrin calmed down after his outburst, his resolve became as steely as his feud with Jesmind. He told them that he didn't want to see any of them or talk to any of them, and he held by that declaration. He stayed in his room most of the day, and he made sure that the Knights did not let anyone past them. The only ones allowed into his room were Jula, Mist, his children, Auli, Jenna, Triana, Azakar, Camara and Koran Tal, and Sapphire. He exiled everyone else from his presence, and would not have anything to do with them. He wasn't angry now, but he wanted to drive home the realization that their petty fighting had seriously upset him, and it was not something that just saying I'm sorry was going to fix. He didn't want to hear their excuses, he didn't want to hear them accusing one another of misconduct, and he certainly didn't want to turn into a referee at some kind of grotesque mass wrestling match. And that would be exactly what he would become if he listened to them, he was sure of it. They'd come to him and lay down their case and want him to say they were right, and he wasn't going to do that. It would only make everyone even madder, and he wasn't going to justify their squabbling in any manner at all.
What his decision did was literally imprison himself in his own room. He knew that if he walked the halls, they'd track him down, and he'd have a hard time getting away from them. He didn't like not talking to them, but in this case it was a simple matter of it hurting him more than them. But he knew that it had to be done, or this stupid dispute was never going to go away. He had to make them understand that it didn't matter who was right or who was wrong. When he did go out, it was with a quartet of Knights and Sapphire, and that entourage kept everyone away from him very effectively.
The only other time he went out was at night, and it was with Auli. They would sneak out and get into trouble, though nobody could ever pin anything to them because they were too good at sneaking away. Tarrin's fury included Dar, and that excluded him from their nightly wanderings. Tarrin missed his friend, but he was not going to give in on this. Because they were so good at sneaking, it also let them avoid his other friends, even when they were actively out looking for him. The nightly excursions with Auli weren't done in secrecy, for Jesmind's nearness touched on Tarrin from time to time, as she shadowed the two troublemakers and kept an eye on him, ready to pounce if she saw Auli do anything forward.
The exile of his friends and family made slow days become almost unbearable. Every day was a monotony of sameness, and he got tired of his room very quickly. Spending time with his children was always good, though the room was too small for the energetic Eron, and it didn't take him long to break things. Auli played chess with him--more like humiliated him on a consistent basis--and Jenna kept him apprised of what was going on outside his room, with both his friends and the potion. Mist and Jula spent alot of time with him, talking to him about his past, and also telling him about Were-cat society and some of the other customs of the other woodland folk, what they called Fae-da'Nar. Camara Tal brought him books, and Sapphire actually started teaching him the language of the dragons as a way to pass the time. Tarrin found out quickly that he had something of a knack for languages, and though he couldn't make some of the sounds Sapphire produced for him, he found that he could understand their meaning after only a few hours of learning the basic grammar and structure of the language. Dragon was a language dependent on the shape of a dragon's maw, and they could make sounds that no human ever could because of the radical difference in anatomy.
Tarrin got quite caught up in his language lessons, and though he lamented at being confined to his room by his own choice, it seemed like only a blink of the eyes between an interminable half-month wait to Jenna's excited declaration that the potion was done brewing, and now only had to sit and steep for two days before it was ready to be used. This news startled Tarrin, and filled him with that same expectant reluctance, that crazy mixture of excitement at regaining his memory, and also fear and anxiety over regaining his memory. He had no idea what he would find out about himself on that fateful day, and he was both looking forward to it and worried about what it would mean.
For one, it would mean that the vacation would be over. He couldn't stay in the Tower, not when everyone and their brother knew he was there, and they knew what he had. He had to leave, to disappear, and he had to do it very quickly. The only reason he hadn't done so already was because he was literally in no condition to do so. In his present state, it would be comparatively easy for someone to capture him and take the Firestaff. Even he could admit that. In his present state, he was literally a farmboy on his first trip outside the protective domain of his village. He didn't know anyone or anything, and he'd be easy prey for an experienced hunter.
Another worry was the simple knowledge that he would again have the mind of the man he had once been. He was sincerely worried about what was going to happen to him. Would he, this Tarrin, simply cease to exist? Would he remember anything at all that happened to him during the loss of his memory? Would the Tarrin of the now be destroyed by the Tarrin of old, or would they join together and become a single person? It seemed a silly thing to worry about, but it had taken to him quite forcefully, and he worried about it quite a bit. But he was too embarassed to admit his fear to anyone else. But it seemed quite a plausible thing to worry about for him. After all, no matter what anyon
e else thought, that other Tarrin seemed to be alien to him. He was radically different, an unknown, and he seemed ominous and quite dangerous. Fear for himself seemed senseless when they were both the same person, but it was a fear of losing his identity than losing his life.
Then there was all the fighting with his friends. He hoped fervently that him getting his memory back was going to settle those issues, but there was still a lingering worry that some of them may not accept his decision. Camara Tal had said that she wouldn't feel right if he decided to be Were again, because she didn't entirely trust Phandebrass and Kimmie. He was worried that that would be a prevelant concern among all his friends that wanted him to stay human. If he decided to be Were again, they very well may accuse Kimmie and Phandebrass of tampering with him. He couldn't have that. An accusation that serious and horrible would destroy the bonds of friendship that existed within their circle, and no matter how big and bad and dangerous and powerful he was, he knew that if he didn't have his friends, all of them, his chances of success would be greatly diminished. He needed Dolanna's cool reasoning. He needed Keritanima's cleverness. He needed Allia's determination. He needed Dar's friendship, and Miranda's cunning, and Camara Tal's courage, and Azakar's strength, and Phandebrass' intelligence, and Kimmie's devotion. He was going to need all of them, and if they couldn't look at each other, then they couldn't be there when his life may depend on them.
Two days. It seemed a short time, but to him, it was an absolute eternity of frenzied worry and fear and uncertainty. He couldn't concentrate on anything but his own worry. He had trouble eating and sleeping, and he both didn't want to be alone and was distant from the others when he wasn't alone. They seemed to understand that it was a very trying time for him, and they all tried to be supportive without prying. Even Mist seemed willing to give him a little space without going so far that he felt their separation. Jenna was about the only one he really felt comfortable talking with, but he knew that her own loyalties were split within herself. His sister wanted her brother back, but the Keeper needed the Were-cat Tarrin to protect the Firestaff. He could only imagine what kind of torture that was for her, but she never showed any of it to him. She was always smiling, always supportive, and always ready to comfort him if he needed it.
Time had never seemed to drag by so slowly, and more than once he felt like a man waiting for his own execution. Counting every moment, trying to forget about the end but unable to think about anything else. The clock on his wall, that expensive gift, turned into both blessing and curse for him, because it allowed him to see how much time had passed, but also how much there was left. The ticking of the clock seemed to be laughter, as the fickle fates taunted him with every second about what was to come, and the fateful decision that very well destroy the tight circle of friends that had come with him so far, had been through so much. The clock mocked him all day and all night, unable to sleep at all because of his mental turmoil, the sound of its ticking like a raw wound inside his mind that only got worse with each tick. It to be so bad for him that he got out of bed and stopped the clock, unable to take the constant reminder that time was going by too fast, and that it could not go by fast enough.
The first day was an absolute eternity, but the second was even worse. It was like time had stopped, even going backwards, as if stopping the clock caused the gods to punish him by stopping the time that it represented, and he became very moody and irritable. Sapphire stayed with him the entire day, trying to soothe him with her presence and an occasional supportive word, but it didn't do very much good. He had other visitors that day, as Auli came in and tried to get him into a game of chess but failed, then told bawdy jokes and stories to try to make him laugh. But there seemed to be little entertainment in it for him. Camara Tal came in and fed him Amazon zamo, a dish composed of raw meat, ground up and spiced heavily. She said that it would do good for him, and he had to admit that it was rather tasty, but about all it did was give him heartburn.
The only real excitement of the day that caused Tarrin to break his morose reverie was when Jula came rushing in and asked immediately if the children were with him. "They haven't been here today," Sapphire answered for him as he looked up at her.
"Oh, damn," Jula grunted. "Mist is going to kill someone. You know how she is about Eron."
"What happened?" the dragon asked.
"They snuck out of the apartment," she answered. "I thought they came down here. Mist is checking the gardens."
"It's not the first time Jasana's wandered off, I'm sure," Sapphire said calmly. "And you have a nose, if I don't recall, Jula."
"Jasana knows how to lay a false trail," Jula said defensively. "We already tried that."
"Then see Jenna. She can find her inside a heartbeat."
"Why didn't I think of that?" Jula said self-deprecatingly, then she rushed back out of the room.
Jasana and Eron turned up, so he was told, not a moment after Jula scrambled away, found in the baths, where Eron was trying to float a small boat made of oiled parchment and wooden sticks in the bathing pool. Mist didn't like Eron to go into the baths when there were humans present, but it turned out that he had been desperate to test out his boat, so he enrolled Jasana in his conspiracy to escape the apartment and delay the adults long enough to christen his little craft on its maiden voyage in the dangerous waters of the bathing pool. Unfortunately for Eron, Jasana sank his boat with a boot from a Sorcerer taking a bath while shouting that a sea monster had appeared, sending Eron into indignant hysterics and angering the Sorcerer who'd just had his fine leather boot dunked.
The recovery of the children relieved him, but that relief didn't stand long in the face of the enormity of tomorrow. He sank back into his grim worry and excitement, a riot of conflicting emotions that made it hard for him to feel any one way for very long. His mood shifted violently all day, from anger to almost giddiness to depression to fear to almost neurotic concern to stark terror. Sapphire endured it with remarkable stoicism, seeing Tarrin probably at his very worst, consumed by worry and fear and uncertainty over what was to come. She did her best to reassure him, but his own worries and doubts gnawed away whatever comfort her words could instill in him, and made the day creep by with almost maddening slowness.
It was only raw exhaustion that allowed him to get any rest at all. He'd not slept a wink the night before, and the worry and chaos in his mind had expended most of his energy over two days, allowing him to fall into a deep, blissfully dreamless slumber before the sun even went down.
He was shaken out of his heavy sleep, and the return to conscsiousness made his heart seize. He opened his eyes and sat up quickly, and found Jenna leaning over him, hand on his shoulder, with Sapphire perched on her shoulder. "It's time, Tarrin," she said simply, with a neutral expression.
"A-Already?" he asked in a fearful voice.
She nodded. "Phandebrass is waiting outside, and he has it all ready for you. Do you want to drink it here, or somewhere else?"
That question seemed ludicrous to him. As important as this was, and she was worried about where he wanted to drink it? But then again, if something went wrong, he didn't want anything to happen to his room. Maybe he was being paranoid, but he'd already lost all his possessions once, and wasn't willing to risk it happening again. But if he asked to drink it somewhere else, Jenna may think he was being paranoid.
"What do you think I should do?" he asked, a desperate edge to his voice.
"I think you should do whatever makes you feel most comfortable," she told him. "I you want to drink it here or somewhere else, or if you want someone to be there with you, it's all up to you."
"I," he said, then he bit his lip. It was a silly fear, but if it would make him feel better.... "I want to drink it outside," he said. "In the gardens. I like it there. It's peaceful."
"Then that's what we'll do," she said with a pat on his shoulder. "You're already dressed, but I think putting your boots on would be a good idea," she winked. "You can't go outside barefoot.
People will think you're poor."
The absurdity of her statement struck him, and he laughed despite himself.
After putting on his boots, Tarrin stood up and steeled himself. It was time. All the agonized waiting was over. No matter what happened next, he didn't have to wait for it anymore, and for that, at least, he was glad. He looked down at his little sister, wondering it if was her or the Keeper staring up at him with those beautiful eyes, and he nodded grimly. "Let's get it overwith," he said with surprising calm, belying the turmoil in his mind.
He simply could not remember the trip out into the gardens. Even much later, no matter how hard he tried, he could not remember. It seemed to him that one second he was walking out the door of his room, between the two Knights stationed there to defend him, and the next he was standing in his favorite place in the gardens, by a lovely rose bush surrounded by assorted flowers of every shape, size, and color. It was a place where two widely travelled paths converged, and there was a large white marble bench sitting on the edge of a grassy flat, one of the many grassy lawns interspersed through the gardens to give people somewhere cool and relaxing to lay. Tarrin was sat down on the bench by his sister, and he looked up at them. Jenna was there, with Sapphire silently sitting on her shoulder, and Phandebrass stood beside her, in dirty robes and still wearing that stupid pointy hat, but it was the surprisingly small black stone cup in his hands that had Tarrin's attention.
That was it. That was the potion that was supposed to restore his memory, and could very well destroy everything. But the time to worry about it was over. It had to be done, because if he didn't do it, then nothing would ever get resolved. Besides, he just had to know. He had to know who he had been, who he was, and if that was what he wanted to be once again.
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