by Tom Stoppard
Ridley It’s not her fault. Do you think you cracked it taking snaps of fancy junk? She’s all right. Anyway, I like kids, and you never know, now and again someone is telling the truth.
Hapgood You’re all right, Ernest. You’re just not her type.
Ridley Yeh, she says I’m not safe. Too damned right I’m not. If I was safe I wouldn’t be in a whore’s hotel with somebody’s auntie waiting for a meet that smells like a dead cat.
Hapgood Where would you be?
Ridley Anywhere I like, with a solid gold box for a ticket.
Hapgood You can walk away, Ernie, it’s only skirt.
Ridley Shut up.
Hapgood (cranking up) You’d better be sure, she plays without a board. You haven’t got a prayer.
Ridley Shut up!
Hapgood If you think she’s lying, walk away. If you think bringing back her son will make you her type, walk away. You won’t get in the money, women like her don’t pay out – take my advice and open the box.
Ridley (grabbing her) Who the hell are you?
Hapgood I’m your dreamgirl, Ernie – Hapgood without the brains or the taste.
She is without resistance, and he takes, without the niceties; his kiss looks as if it might draw blood.
SCENE SIX
The pool. Night. Empty. A towel hangs over the door of Cubicle One (any cubicle).
It is dark. Ridley (Two) enters from the lobby carrying a large torch. He looks around with the help of the torch. He moves upstage. We see only the torch now. The torch-beam comes back towards us. Ridley (One) walks into the beam. He has come from the showers (depending on the layout). He carries the sports bag. He approaches the torch. The two men embrace briefly. Our Ridley remains: The one with the torch retires. (The torch, of course, changed hands upstage – here and subsequently we only clearly see, and only hear, the actor who plays Ridley.)
Ridley now opens his holdall, takes out a disc-box and posts it under the door with the towel on it. He removes the towel and enters Cubicle Two. He hangs the towel over that door.
Hapgood enters from the lobby. She pauses. Timid.
Hapgood Ernest …?
Ridley with the torch, reveals himself.
Ridley It’s OK. Call the boy.
Hapgood hesitates.
Call the boy.
Hapgood Joe …
Joe (out of sight) Mummy …?
He appears from upstage in the cubicle area. Hapgood moves to where she can see him.
Hapgood Hello, darling. It’s all right.
Ridley Stay there, Joe.
Joe halts.
Do it.
Hapgood opens her bag, takes the disc-box from it, and posts it under the door of Cubicle Two (where the towel hangs). She pulls the towel down and tosses it over the door into the cubicle. She comes back to Joe and takes his hand.
Hapgood Off we go.
Hapgood takes Joe out through the lobby doors, followed by Ridley.
When they have gone Ridley (Two) comes out of Cubicle Two, holding the towel and the disc which Hapgood had posted. He takes the towel to Cubicle One, where it had originally hung, and tosses it over the door. The door of the cubicle opens. Wates is inside. Wates has a gun.
Wates (just conversation) Hey, Ridley. Here’s what you do. You walk, you don’t talk.
Wates walks Ridley upstage into the dark cubicle area.
Pause. Blair comes from upstage and approaches Cubicle One. He takes from the cubicle the disc which had been posted there. Blair moves out towards the lobby but before he gets there Ridley comes in. Ridley is amused.
Blair (greeting) Ridley.
Ridley laughs.
Ridley It never smelled Russian, not for a minute. It smelled of private profit. No wonder the kidnap was so clean. Uncle Paul. What a breeze.
Blair Except … surely …
Ridley Except the boy will tell. I’m thinking.
Blair I should.
Ridley There was no kidnap.
Blair Better.
Ridley There was never any kidnap. You and Hapgood.
Blair Much better.
Ridley You and Hapgood. Make it look right, make a mug of me and the sister, and afterwards both of you back in place like china dogs on the mantelpiece.
Blair Now you’ve lost me. Something about a sister.
Ridley The sister is perfect. I know about this. She’s here and she’s not here.
Blair I keep thinking you said sister.
Hapgood has now come in quietly from the lobby.
Surely you know Mrs Hapgood?
Ridley I know her sister better. (to Hapgood) Don’t I?
She gives nothing away.
Give me a minute, I’m slow.
A radio talks, softly, briefly. It is in Hapgood’s hand. She raises it to her mouth.
Hapgood Mother.
The radio mutters and stops. She puts the radio in her bag.
Ridley Listen, be yourself. These people are not for you, in the end they get it all wrong, the garbage cans are gaping for them. Him most. He’s had enough out of you and you’re getting nothing back, he’s dry and you’re the juice. We can walk out of here, Auntie.
Hapgood You should have opened the box.
Ridley I could have walked away with it any time and let the boy take his chances. This way you got both, my treat.
Hapgood There was nothing in there except a bleep.
Pause.
Ridley Well, now I don’t know which one you are. One of them fucks and one of them –
Hapgood Don’t, Ridley –
Ridley is going to kill her, as promised. Everything goes into slow motion, beginning with and including the sound of Hapgood’s gun, lasting probably five seconds. Ridley has got as far as taking his gun out when Hapgood shoots him.
Meanwhile, Wates is leaning into view, upstage, slightly late, gun in hand. Strobe lighting.
Blair doesn’t move.
Meanwhile the cubicles are disappearing, and we are to find ourselves outside rather than inside the lobby doors. If the doors themselves remain the sign ‘Men’ is no longer reversed.
Ridley (i.e. his body) is erased along with the cubicles and becomes a body on a stretcher, the face covered by a blanket. The gunshot and the strobe extend through this scene change. At the end of the change we are left with Hapgood, Blair and Wates, the stretcher with stretcher bearers, and the Ridley Twin, handcuffed, under arrest being led away. Ridley, passing the stretcher, manages to look at the face under the blanket. He cries out indistinctly and is led away (by Merryweather).
There is the flashing blue light of an ambulance offstage. All this happens swiftly, continuously from the gunshot.
Blair (to Wates angrily) Where were you?
Wates I was second, he was third. (to Hapgood) Oh, you mother.
Blair (to Wates) I want that ambulance out of here.
Wates No rush.
Hapgood Ben –? It was the shoulder.
Wates No, ma’am.
Hapgood It was the shoulder.
Wates I’m sorry. It’s not like targets.
Pause. Hapgood moves a few paces towards where the stretcher left and then comes back to Wates.
Hapgood Ben, thank you for your co-operation.
They shake hands.
Wates You bet. (He leaves.)
Blair Come on, Elizabeth, Joe’s waiting.
Hapgood We said we’d do it without Joe.
Blair It had to look right.
Hapgood You lied to me.
Blair Without the boy it wouldn’t have looked right.
Hapgood I was willing to risk it.
Blair I wasn’t.
Hapgood I’ll never forgive you for that, never ever.
Blair I know that. I knew that.
Hapgood And what am I supposed to tell him?
Blair Tell him it’s a secret. Small boys understand that.
Hapgood What do you know about small boys?
Blair Well, I was one.
Hapgood Paul –
Blair No, no, you’ll get over it.
Hapgood No.
Blair What about your network?
Hapgood What network?! Ridley’s blown it inside out! Christ, Paul, I must have been buying nothing but lies and chickenfeed since Joe was in his pram!
Blair One has to pick oneself up and carry on. We can’t afford to lose. It’s them or us, isn’t it?
Hapgood What is? What exactly? The game has moved on. Read the signs. It’s over.
Blair Try telling that to the opposition.
Hapgood Oh, the KGB! The opposition! Paul we’re just keeping each other in business, we should send each other Christmas cards – oh, f-f-fuck it, Paul!
So that’s that.
Blair turns away, hesitates and leaves. The next time Hapgood moves she is standing by the rugby pitch.
SCENE SEVEN
Hapgood stands on the touchline. She isn’t looking at much.
Kerner is standing some way behind her, wearing an overcoat.
Some rugby sounds.
Kerner comes down to join her.
Hapgood sees him.
Hapgood Joseph … You came to say hello?
Kerner On the contrary. (He looks front, a bit puzzled. Gamely) Interesting.
Hapgood It hasn’t started yet. They’re just practising.
Kerner Oh yes, which one is he?
Hapgood (pointing) New rugby boots. I’m awfully glad to see you.
Kerner (spotting him) Oh, yes.
Hapgood He’ll come over when they take their track-suits off. I tried to find you this morning.
Kerner I was buying my ticket. Also a suitcase.
Hapgood I heard you’ve been sending your luggage on ahead for months. Does Paul know why?
Kerner (shrugs) Paul thinks I was a triple, but I was definitely not, I was past that, quadruple at least, maybe quintuple.
Hapgood They found out about Joe, didn’t they? They turned you back again. You made up the truth.
Kerner It is nothing to worry, you know.
Hapgood I’m not worried. I’m out of it now. This is him.
Joe runs in, wearing his tracksuit, which he takes off now. His rugger kit is clean. The new boots.
Joe Hello, Mum.
Hapgood Good luck, darling. This is Mr Kerner – Joseph. Another Joe.
Joe Hello, sir.
Kerner Hello. How are you?
Joe All rights’a, thankyous’a. (to Hapgood) Will you be here after?
Hapgood Yes, see you later.
She has the tracksuit. Perhaps the top half goes round her neck. Joe runs off. Pause.
Kerner Very nice. Very English. (Pause.) Of course, he is half English, one forgets that. Well … good.
Hapgood Do you want to stay for tea? They lay it on for parents.
Kerner Better not, I think.
Hapgood Oh, Joe.
She breaks down. He holds her, awkwardly.
Prosty, Josef. [I’m sorry, Joseph.]
Kerner Da nyet – vyet u menya byl vybar, Lilichka. [No, no. I had a choice too, Lilychka.]
Hapgood Nyet tagda u tibya nye bylo vybora – [You had no choice then.]
Kerner Da – mu ya pashol … ya napishu kagda dayedu … [Yes, I’d better go. I’ll write when I get there.] (He kisses her and starts to leave.)
Hapgood How can you go? How can you?
She turns away. The game starts. Referee’s whistle, the kick.
After a few moments Hapgood collects herself and takes notice of the rugby.
When the game starts Kerner’s interest is snagged. He stops and looks at the game.
Come on St Christopher’s – We can win this one! Get those tackles in! (She turns round and finds that Kerner is still there. She turns back to the game and comes alive.) Shove! – heel! – well heeled! – well out! – move it! – move it, Hapgood! – that’s good – that’s better!
About the Author
Tom Stoppard’s work includes Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, The Real Inspector Hound, Jumpers, Travesties, Night and Day, Every Good Boy Deserves Favour, After Magritte, Dirty Linen, The Real Thing, Hapgood, Arcadia, Indian Ink, The Invention of Love, the trilogy The Coast of Utopia and Rock ’n’ Roll. His radio plays include If You’re Glad I’ll Be Frank, Albert’s Bridge, Where Are They Now?, Artist Descending a Staircase, The Dog It Was That Died and In the Native State. Television work includes Professional Foul, Squaring the Circle and Parade’s End. His film credits include Empire of the Sun, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, which he also directed, Shakespeare in Love, Enigma and Anna Karenina.
By the Same Author
TOM STOPPARD: PLAYS ONE
The Real Inspector Hound, After Magritte, Dirty Linen, New-Found-Land, Dogg’s Hamlet, Cahoot’s Macbeth
TOM STOPPARD: PLAYS TWO
The Dissolution of Dominic Boot, ‘M’ is for Moon among Other Things, If You’re Glad I’ll Be Frank, Albert’s Bridge, Where Are They Now?, Artist Descending a Staircase, The Dog it Was That Died, In the Native State, On ‘Dover Beach’
TOM STOPPARD: PLAYS THREE
A Separate Peace, Teeth, Another Moon Called Earth, Neutral Ground, Professional Foul, Squaring the Circle
TOM STOPPARD: PLAYS FOUR
Dalliance (after Schnitzler), Undiscovered Country (after Schnitzler), Rough Crossing (after Molnár), On the Razzle (after Nestroy), The Seagull (after Chekhov)
TOM STOPPARD: PLAYS FIVE
Arcadia, The Real Thing, Night and Day, Indian Ink, Hapgood
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD
TRAVESTIES
JUMPERS
THE INVENTION OF LOVE
THE COAST OF UTOPIA
(Voyage, Shipwreck, Salvage)
ROCK ’N’ ROLL
ADAPTATIONS AND TRANSLATIONS
HENRY IV (after Pirandello)
HEROES (after Sibleyras)
IVANOV (after Chekhov)
THE CHERRY ORCHARD (after Chekhov)
screenplays
SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE (with Marc Norman)
fiction
LORD MALQUIST AND MR MOON
Copyright
First published in 1999
by Faber and Faber Ltd
Bloomsbury House
74–77 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3DA
This ebook edition first published in 2013
All rights reserved
This collection © Tom Stoppard, 1999
Arcadia © Tom Stoppard, 1993
The Real Thing © Tom Stoppard, 1982, 1983, 1986
Night and Day © Tom Stoppard, 1978
Indian Ink © Tom Stoppard, 1995
Hapgood © Tom Stoppard, 1988, 1994
Grateful acknowledgement is given to Grove/Atlantic Inc. for permission to reprint in the United States Night and Day, © 1978 by Tom Stoppard
The right of Tom Stoppard to be identified as author of this work has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights whatsoever in these works are strictly reserved. Applications for permission for any use whatsoever including performance rights must be made in advance, prior to any such proposed use, to United Agents, 12–26 Lexington Street, London W1F 0LE ([email protected]). No performance may be given unless a licence has first been obtained.
This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights, and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly
ISBN 978–0–571–30117–1
