But once they were alone, Bella could see just how badly my fuck-ups had bothered our mother.
I adored my mom.
People probably didn’t realize that—even she probably didn’t understand how much I loved her, and my brothers and sisters. It wasn’t like I’d done a good job showing it, either, disappearing from home the way I had when I was eighteen.
I’d left a note in the kitchen telling them I didn’t want to stay in Ulysses anymore and I had to get out. It had been the day after I turned eighteen and I’d done just that.
Every few months, I’d call so she’d know I was okay, but that was it for almost four years. Then I’d gotten noticed by a talent agent and ended up in a couple of commercials, then a small part in a soap opera. Within eighteen months, I’d found a better agent—Kelly—and she had helped me get my first major role in a movie.
So I started sending money home...and writing. Mom wrote back immediately, and so did London. Bit by bit, the rest of the family followed suit, although we talked more via email after the first few initials, awkward letters. After a while, my older siblings even stopped asking why I’d left, why I’d broken Mom’s heart that way.
I still saw the disappointment in their eyes when I went back. That’s why it was easier to go back with Sabrina with me. If I was alone, they always pushed.
And I could never tell them why I’d left.
That was a stain inside me that I could never erase, but I’d damn well never tarnish anybody else’s soul with it, either.
The demons had been roaring damn loud the night I’d let myself get coaxed into that little orgy in the posh sitting room of the private ladies room at the museum. The plan had been to drink them away, and with my brain soaked with whiskey, I’d figured that since booze wasn’t working as well as I’d hoped, I might as well fuck the shadows into oblivion instead.
And, yet again, that ugliness inside me had managed to cause pain to somebody I loved.
Disgusted with myself, I tightened my grip on the phone and listened grimly to everything Bella had to say.
Finally, she took a deep breath, then asked in a biting tone, “So, do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“I’m sorry,” I said automatically. “I fucked up.”
“Gee, ya think? That’s what you told me when I tore you a new one last year when you wrapped that car around a telephone pole. Mom almost had a heart attack, you dumb ass!”
“Bella...” I pinched the bridge of my nose and racked my brain for something to tell her that would make this better.
There wasn’t anything I could say, though.
“Luke...” She blew out a breath, hesitating for a long moment before continuing. “Look, Mom doesn’t want anybody knowing about this, but you need to straighten your ass up. Mom went into the doctor’s office a few weeks ago. She’d been having all these weird things happening with her heart and the doctor sent her to the hospital for some tests.”
Terror gripped me by the throat. For a few seconds, I was too terrified even to speak.
“What’s wrong?” I finally forced out, although part of me didn’t want to know.
“She’s had two mild heart attacks,” Bella said quietly.
The ground dropped out from under me and I found myself bracing a hand on the desk in front of me, just to stay upright.
“Why didn’t anybody tell me?” I demanded.
“She didn’t want you worrying. She didn’t want any of you worrying. The only reason I know is because I work at her doctor’s office.” Bella was quiet a moment, then continued, “I’ve been trying to convince her to tell everybody and she finally agreed to at the family get-together next month. You are still coming, right?”
“Son of a bitch,” I muttered, shoving a hand through my hair. It immediately fell back into my eyes, reminding me that I’d planned to get a haircut as soon I’d finished my last project. That had been three weeks ago.
“Luke? You’re coming...right?” Bella asked, a low warning in her voice.
“Yeah, I’m coming.” I squeezed my eyes shut, mentally berating myself for forgetting. The past six months had been a blur of filming, working out and getting ready for the promo tour coming up with the second Sword movie. I’d been so busy I’d forgotten about the yearly get-together. Well, it wasn’t that I’d forgotten—I just wasn’t thinking about the timing.
I switched the call to Bluetooth and opened my calendar app. It was neatly organized, thanks to Sabrina. Before I’d hired her, I’d never been able to keep everything straight and after missing an important interview, Kelly had intervened and given me an ultimatum. I needed an assistant and she had the perfect person in mind.
Sabrina had more than lived up to Kelly’s glowing recommendation, and now I couldn’t imagine surviving this business without her.
Relief slammed into me when I saw she’d already blocked out the days for the family get-together, and the travel itinerary was stored in the app as well. She’d already bought my plane ticket.
I must have made some sort of noise because Bella snorted. “I can already picture what you’re doing, Luke. Let me guess...checking to make sure Sabrina has everything taken care of?”
“I’m capable of planning my own trip home, thanks,” I said.
“So when she called me a couple of months ago to clear up the days and times, it was because you told her to? On your own initiative? Yeah, right. I so believe that.”
I decided to ignore her, still studying the calendar and trying to figure out if I could manage to get out to see my mother any earlier. But short of a major emergency, I had so much shit going on, I was going to be tripping over my own shadow for the next two weeks, at least.
“Is this urgent? Should I clear my schedule and come on out?” I asked, knowing Bella wouldn’t sugarcoat anything.
“The doctor is being cautious right now,” she said softly. “It’s probably okay to wait and see what the test results say. But...Luke, like I said, you’ve got to stop this insane bullshit. She’s hurt enough over you.”
I felt that blow to the very core of my soul. “I know.”
Eyes gritty, dry and hot, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. “Will you let me know what the tests say? If there’s something that has you worried, let me know. I’ll drop everything. I’ll be there in a few hours, no matter what.’
I SPENT THE NEXT FIVE days working like a man possessed. When I finished one project, I had Sabrina shuffle my schedule and get something else worked in.
“They’ll get the interview worked in,” she said, walking into my home office and giving it a dismayed look. “They really did want to do it live, but I explained there was a family matter that might be taking up your time for a few days and you didn’t want to cancel at the last minute.”
Grunting my thanks, I kept beating out a reply to yet another email. From the corner of my eye, I saw her put down her purse and the heavier bag I knew held her laptop and other shit she carried around to keep my life somewhat organized. I went back to focusing on the email, although my attention kept getting drawn back to her, reminding me of the empty pill bottle downstairs.
Sabrina had been the one to convince me to get tested for ADD a little over four years ago when it seemed like things were getting more out of hand, even with her there to help me organize shit. The results couldn’t have been more conclusive on one front. I definitely had ADD. It had taken me longer to deal with the other diagnosis the doctor had discussed and that was one I hadn’t talked to Sabrina—or anybody else—about. The only people who knew were the psychologist and the very discreet pharmacist I paid to deliver my meds.
Unfortunately, I’d misplaced the fucking delivery bag and hadn’t been able to find it the past two days and it was damn evident.
Hearing the rustle of paper behind me, I shoved back from the computer and turned around. “What are you...” I stopped mid-sentence because it was obvious. She had a trash can in one hand and was collecting crumpled papers, d
iscarded envelopes and other shit I hadn’t taken the time to throw away. “Ina, you don’t have to do that.”
She lifted a brow as she looked my way. “In one hour, that DJ is skyping you for an interview. Do you really want them seeing trash and empty soda cans all over the place?” She waited a beat, then added, “It’s not like you know how to sit in one spot for more than three minutes.”
“I can, too,” I said mildly. “I do it all the time.”
“Yes. When you’re playing a part.” She smiled sweetly and went back to work.
I couldn’t argue with that. Turning back to my email, I finished up the one I was working on, then opened another. I was vaguely aware of her still moving around behind me but managed to stay focused.
“Luke.”
I looked up just as paper rattled and my gaze zoomed in on the bag she held. It took two seconds to figure out what it was and I lunged up instinctively, only slowing down when I realized how suspicious that must look, considering she knew about one of the meds, and would likely assume that’s all that was in there.
Pasting a sheepish smile on my face, I held out my hand. “Hey, thanks. I couldn’t figure out where I’d put that. I’ve been out for two days and can’t think worth shit.”
She turned it over to me and went back to her self-appointed task while I slid out of the room and strode to my bedroom. The bathroom, all white and silver, was tucked off the side and I stared at the bag, searching for any sign that might give away what was inside. I didn’t see anything. As per our agreement, the pharmacist never put anything on the outside of the plain paper bag.
Breathing out a sigh of relief, I tore the bag open and spilled the two pill bottles out, dumping them onto the counter. It was almost eleven, a little late in the morning for the amphetamine I took for my ADD, but I had too much shit to get done and I’d focus better with the medication in my system. I grabbed the cup next to the sink and filled it, popping the capsule.
I hit the second pill bottle with the back of my hand. It was only about the tenth thing I’d dropped today. Grimacing, I turned to pick it up.
And froze.
Sabrina stood in the doorway, holding the bottle.
Blood rushed to my face and I snatched it out of her hand without thinking.
Her eyes widened at the suddenness of the movement. Feeling like a fool, I turned away and grabbed both of the bottles, shoving them into the cabinet. She fell back when I turned toward the door, and I prayed silently that she’d pretend the past fifteen seconds hadn’t happened.
“Luke?”
“What?” I asked.
“Are you okay?”
“Just a little scattered,” I lied. “Too much going on, too much to do.”
She was quiet as we walked back to my office. I might have forgotten she was there if I hadn’t been acutely aware of her.
She stayed close as I went back to my chair and dropped down, staring at my computer screen without really seeing anything.
One minute passed.
Two.
Three.
I hadn’t moved.
Neither had she.
She was the one to finally break the taut silence, coming toward me, graceful and elegant in a full-cut dress that made me think of poodle skirts and sock hops. I tensed as she laid a hand on my shoulder and bent low, pressing her lips to my cheek.
I closed my eyes, my awareness of her magnified ten-fold.
“Depression’s nothing to be ashamed of, Luke. If you want to keep private, I understand. But you don’t need to be embarrassed, either.” She squeezed my shoulder gently as she added, “If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen.”
SEVENTY-FIVE MINUTES later, as I was in the middle of the interview with a popular local DJ who’d gained world-wide fame thanks to his internet presence, Sabrina abruptly stood, holding my phone in one hand. She gave me a quick smile as she slid from the room.
I barely glanced at her, still on edge about what had happened earlier.
I wasn’t hiding. I just didn’t feel the need to talk about shit that wasn’t anybody’s business but mine.
“...you say to that, Luke?”
Wally’s voice jerked me back to the present and I realized I’d missed most of the question. Giving him a sheepish smile, I said, “Sorry. Got a little distracted there.”
“Got another hot honey waiting around for you?”
Immediately, my thoughts went to Sabrina and her offer to listen. “No,” I said, shaking my head as I met the DJ’s gaze. “I’m taking a sabbatical from women right now. I think I need some time to...collect myself.”
“Seeing as how you love to spread yourself far and wide...” He wagged his brows. “If you know what I mean, you might need a loooonnnggg sabbatical.”
I forced a laugh, but my heart wasn’t in it.
When Sabrina appeared in the doorway less than a minute later, the intensity of her gaze had me glancing away from the screen once more. She tapped her wrist, a signal we’d developed for urgent matters.
With dread inside, I managed to smile at Wally. “Wally, this has been a lot of fun. Thanks for having me on the show.”
It took almost three more minutes to end the session and by that time, Sabrina was pacing. She’d already kicked off the bright, lime-green heels she wore with her pretty skirt and the material of both her skirt and the frilly slip she wore underneath swayed back and forth with each agitated step.
“What is it?” I asked, leaning back in my chair.
She turned at the sound of my voice and immediately strode toward me, hand outstretched. “Call Bella. She said it was about your mom and those tests. She’s worried.”
Blood roared in my ears as I accepted the phone. But before she could draw away, I caught her wrist and tugged her closer. “How worried?” I asked, a hot, tight sensation in my chest.
A sad smile curled her lips. “She wouldn’t say.” She brushed her fingers down my cheek. “Call her. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”
“BELLA...I DON’T KNOW what any of that means,” I said five minutes later, my hand over my eyes.
“I’ve got some links, sweetheart,” she said, her voice gentle. She was two years younger than me but had always acted older. I’d alternately found it amusing, aggravating and reassuring. Today, none of those applied. I felt like I was going to come out of my skin. “I mean, is she going to have another heart attack? What are they going to do?”
“They’re sending her to a specialist in Louisville. Luke...take a deep breath. Calm down, okay?”
Calm down? My ass. I looked around for Sabrina only to remember she’d left the room. I grabbed the Bluetooth on my desk and put it in. “Hang on a minute,” I told Bella, then switched the call over so my hands were free. Putting the phone down, I turned to the still-open Skype window and tapped on Sabrina’s avatar. After sending a quick message, I told Bella, “I just told Sabrina to make arrangements to clear my schedule. I’m coming out early.”
“Luke, you don’t need to do that,” she said.
A bubble popped up in the Skype window, from Sabrina.
Is your mom okay?
Blood roared in my ears as I shot off a quick response, as well as a couple of requests that I knew came off more like demands.
Sabrina, thankfully, just replied back with a thumbs-up emoji and I focused my attention back on my sister.
“I’ve got Sabrina working on my schedule. I’m going to get out there within the next few days, as soon as she can make it happen,” I told Bella.
“It won’t do any good to argue with you, will it?”
“No. Is she...” I couldn’t ask that question. I didn’t even want to think it. “Shit, Bella. While they’re waiting on a specialist, are the doctors even doing anything?”
“Of course, they are. They’re watching her and she’s taking a couple of medications now.”
That didn’t sound like enough, in my book. Still, that news actually made me a little more worried. “A doctor g
ot our mother to take medication?”
She didn’t even like taking over-the-counter shit for headaches.
“This heart attack thing scared her. She didn’t even realize she’d had them.”
“Is that normal?”
“It’s not unheard of, especially in women,” Bella said softly. “There wasn’t any major damage. She’s also already been to see a nutritionist and has an appointment to see a personal trainer so she can get started on an exercise regimen. Her doctor thinks as long as she gets under the care of a cardiologist and gets this issue under control, she should be fine. A few changes in lifestyle and all, but nothing she can’t handle.”
“Thank God. Having a nurse in the family can be pretty useful sometimes, I guess.”
She didn’t laugh at my weak attempt at humor. “She should be fine, Luke, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah.” I rubbed the back of my neck, a tension headache building. “I’m still coming out there.”
“All right. Let me know when. And...hell, Luke...keep it zipped, okay?”
“I will,” I said stiffly.
“And no more threesomes while you’re at a public event! Geez, Luke. You’re thirty years old...pretend to be an adult, okay?”
I FOUND SABRINA IN the kitchen just over an hour later. She had turned the table into her own little communications center. One of these days, I was going to set up an office for her in my house. Of course, I’d been telling myself that for years. For some reason, it always made me smile when I found her sitting at the table like this, a pair of glasses perched on her nose, her hair pulled up into a messy bun. This time, she’d secured it in place with actual hairpins. I’d seen her use ballpoint pens before and loved to tease her about that. The glow of the computer screen reflected in her eyes and I could hear the rapid click click click as she pounded out something on the laptop.
“Yeah, yeah...Michael, look, I heard you. I know it sucks, but he has a family emergency and there’s nothing I can do about that. You can either do the interview tomorrow, in the morning, or we’ll just have to cancel it. No. I can’t set it up when he gets back because I’m not sure when he will be back. It could be two days, it could be a week, longer.”
Cocksure (The Cochrans of Cocker County) Page 2
