by Minkman, Jen
“Shall I clear the table?” she offered, so no one would stare at the slight blush creeping up her face. “Let’s make room for the coffee and apple pie.” She started to clear away the plates, and was happy Emily got up to help her.
“Who’s Sani?” Hannah asked curiously as she and Em were rinsing the plates in the kitchen sink.
“You never met him?”
“Not that I’m aware of, no.”
“Well, I’m not surprised. He is our traditional medicine man, our hataalii.” Em’s voice dropped a notch. “Sani used to stay out of our clan affairs. That’s why you probably never noticed him when you hung out with us in Naabi’aani when we were teenagers. But lately, he’s been minding our business a lot more, ever since...” She hesitated. “Ever since Josh grew closer to him. Josh is also part of the Feather Clan. It’s been four years since things started to change, and it has to do with the special position Josh seems to have within the tribe, according to the hataalii.”
Hannah’s curiosity piqued. “So – what kind of position is that?” Apparently, Josh had gone through more than just one metamorphosis in the years of her absence.
“No one knows exactly. It all started when Josh came back from his vision quest. It’s common for a teenager to consult the elderly people in the village after returning from a quest, so nobody batted an eyelid when he went to Sani for advice. But people did raise eyebrows when it turned out he only wanted to talk to Sani, and refused to even speak to his grandparents about what he saw.”
“And now what?”
“Now? He’s just part of the community in Naabi’aani. But at the same time, it feels like he’s standing on the sidelines. Sani talks about him as if we should treat him with more respect than you’d expect for a seventeen-year-old guy from a normal clan. To tell you the truth, I’m a bit puzzled Josh still hangs out with Ben like nothing changed.”
Hannah stared out of the kitchen window, absent-mindedly piling the plates in the sink. She didn’t know what to say.
Emily sighed. “Look, it’s not like Josh doesn’t belong anymore. He’s still part of us, of our clans, but he’s just ... different. Sometimes it’s like Sani interferes in his life too much and doesn’t allow him to be a teenager anymore.”
“But I don’t see any awkwardness between you and Josh. You seem to be relaxed around him.”
“That’s because I’m not on the rez now. I feel free here, and Josh is more relaxed outside of Naabi’aani too, though he does tense up occasionally.”
True – Josh had suddenly been miles away when she asked him about his birthmark last night. What had that been about?
Emily coughed. “I can’t help but notice that Josh is different around you, though. Not as relaxed as with Ben. He looks at you. So intently.”
“You noticed, huh?”
Emily smiled faintly. “Well, I’m not blind, thank you very much.” She gave her friend a mischievous smile, then put a hand on Hannah’s shoulder. “Be careful, okay? I know what Josh can be like. One moment he’s letting people in, the next he’s pushing them away. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
At that moment, Ben walked into the kitchen and girl time was over. They helped Ben cut the pie and pour coffee and tea for the four of them. When they came back outside with the drinks and trays of food, Josh was sitting on the porch steps, gazing into the distance, as if his mind had wandered to a place where he could feel the spirits of the past.
5.
When Hannah woke up the next morning, the house was strangely quiet. As she stepped into the kitchen, her gaze drifted to the driveway. Ben’s car was gone, so he was probably visiting Josh in Naabi’aani today. Well, so much the better. She could do with a day of peace and quiet, without having to worry about other people. Especially after yesterday and all the awkwardness with Josh.
At eleven o’clock, she got into her car and drove away with a backpack full of food and drinks, enough to last her all day. On a sudden whim, she decided to drive to Page. The small town had a library she wanted to visit, although she couldn’t remember where exactly it was situated. The last time she’d borrowed a book there was when she’d been fifteen.
After parking the car, Hannah strolled to Church Row, a street with tiny shops, restaurants and a lot of old church buildings. A second-hand music store immediately caught her eye. Several crates of vinyl were on display underneath the awning outside.
Wow, that shade looked really inviting. The heat outside was already scorching, so Hannah thankfully slipped under the canopy and rifled through the crate of records right next to the entrance. She loved vinyl. One of her most prized possessions back home was a turntable.
Her eyes drifted to the shop window. Inside, there was even more music for sale. She should check out the CD selection next.
Suddenly, her breath hitched. A familiar-looking someone was bent over the A-to-C section. It was Josh.
He looked up, as if he’d felt the weight of her stare, and Hannah quickly ducked her head again. She didn’t want him to think she was spying on him. Inconspicuously, she glanced up through her eyelashes. Josh was still looking at her, standing in the back of the store, without waving at her or making any move to attract her attention. Hannah couldn’t see whether Ben was also there, but he couldn’t be far. Josh and Ben had planned to spend the day together, after all.
Why was Josh staring at her like this? Why didn’t he come outside and say hi? Hannah swallowed and wiped the sweat off her forehead. She felt strange. Grabbing the crate of records, she tried to keep her balance. A buzzing sound filled her head and she felt dizzier by the minute.
And all of a sudden, she knew that this had happened before, having the strongest, strangest sense of déjà vu ever. It was like she’d felt this a long time ago. This feeling of longing for Josh, and at the same time, this total sense of separation from him. A sharp, stabbing pain in her heart because all he did was observe her, unwilling to move, unable to reach out and touch her.
What was happening to her? Staggering backwards, she fumbled in her bag to find a bottle of water. Maybe the heat outside was becoming too much for her. She couldn’t shake the absurd feeling that Josh was somehow pushing her away.
Well, she wouldn’t be the one to break the spell by walking into the store and saying hello. If he didn’t want to talk to her, fine. That was his choice.
Still feeling slightly dazed, Hannah turned around and took several deep breaths, her vision becoming clear again. It was time to stick to her original plan and visit the library. The building would be air-conditioned, so she could cool down and get herself together.
She grabbed her backpack and hurried to the street corner where she’d spotted a town map in the bus stop. Without looking back at the store, she made her way to South Lake Powell Boulevard and climbed the broad stone steps leading up to the library. Once inside, she plunked down on the nearest couch she saw and opened her bag.
To her own surprise, she pulled out her notebook and a pen instead of her water bottle. That feeling of déjà vu had given her a sudden flash of inspiration. Frantically scribbling, she jotted down a set of lyrics for her song. No way would she have the guts to sing it to Josh, like, ever, but at least she’d managed to get the confusing emotions out of her system for now.
Hannah put away the notebook before getting up and wandering through the library, slowly making her way to the section on religion and spirituality. After a bit of browsing, she picked four books about Navajo religion and vision quests. Flopping down on a couch next to the Mythology shelves, she put the pile of books on her lap and got out her notebook once more.
“A young man coming back from a vision quest sometimes carries material objects or otherwise symbolical marks handed down to him by his spiritual guide,” she mumbled to herself, scanning the page for more information. Josh had seen or experienced something during his vision quest that he didn’t want to discuss with anyone except Sani. Could that bear-shaped birthmark have something to do with i
t? She was almost certain he’d gotten it after his quest. He hadn’t had it last time she’d seen him, and he’d looked so absent-minded when she’d asked him. So faraway.
Hannah jolted when her cell phone started to vibrate in her bag. It was a message from Ben. “sis! r u in page 2?? i just saw ur car :)”
She stared at the text. Ben’s message made it painfully clear that Josh hadn’t told Ben she’d been outside the music store. So he obviously didn’t want to talk to her. Heck, he hadn’t even tried to run after her or call her.
She dropped the phone in her lap, feeling miserable. Okay, Josh had every right to think she wasn’t interested in him after the ‘kitchen incident’. But he didn’t have the right to ignore her like he was doing now. Why was he acting like that?
“You know what? Screw this,” she mumbled, switching off her phone. No meeting up with Ben when Josh was tagging along. Things were complicated enough as they were. Besides, she had a perfectly good reason to switch off her phone – she was in the library.
A voice interrupted her train of thought. “Excuse me. You still reading that?”
Hannah looked up and saw a brown-haired guy standing next to the couch, pointing at the book about Navajo religion lying on top of her bag. He looked about her age.
“I’m sort of done with it,” she replied. “Why? You want to borrow it?”
The guy grimaced. “You could say that. I’ve been searching the library for that book for hours.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry! I just took it from the shelf to flip through it.”
“Yeah, thought so. According to the computer system, no one borrowed it, so I knew it still had to be on the premises. My most recent genius idea was to look for people reading books inside the library.”
“What do you need it for?”
“I’m writing part of my dissertation about the Navajo culture.” The guy extended his hand. “My name’s Nick, by the way.”
“I’m Hannah.” She shook his hand. “Well, in that case you’ve come to the right place. Page isn’t far from the reservation.”
Nick flopped down on the couch despondently. “You make it sound so easy. The truth is, I don’t know anybody in Navajo Nation, and most Navajos aren’t exactly eager to talk to a paleface asking them all kinds of questions about their culture and customs. So books are my best friends at the moment.”
“Maybe I can help you out. My best friend actually lives on the rez. And my brother’s best friend is also Navajo. I could ask them to talk to you.”
Nick’s face lit up like a light bulb. “Really? Do you live in Page? Can you introduce me to them?”
“I don’t live here. Me and Ben are staying in my mom’s log cabin in St. Mary’s Port for the summer. Why don’t you drop by on Saturday? We were planning to go to the rez for a rodeo anyway.”
Nick looked so excited she half-expected a ‘you’re-my-savior’ hug from him. “That would be awesome! I’m staying with my uncle in Page, but I can borrow his car and drive to St Mary’s. No problem.”
Someone next to them distinctly cleared his throat. Hannah looked sideways and caught a dismayed librarian glaring at them. They were clearly talking too loud. “Let’s go outside. I think our enthusiasm is bothering people.”
Nick followed her stare. “Good idea. I want to borrow this one.” He grabbed the book about Navajo religion and followed Hannah to the library desk. A few minutes later, they were outside, walking toward a bench in the shade.
“So why did you decide to write about the Diné?” Hannah inquired.
“Well, I’m a history student, but I took a few extra courses in sociology. I started to read a lot of background information about the birth of our nation, and about the way the European colonists dealt with the original inhabitants of this country.” He waved the book in his hand. “And I was wondering if it’s possible to explain why the Native American culture couldn’t withstand white domination by looking at it from a sociologist’s point of view. My uncle lives close to the reservation, so I picked the Navajo history as a case study.”
“Oh, I’m sure Emily and Josh can help you with that. Especially Josh. He knows a lot about his own history, but don’t expect an objective story.”
“Sounds good. Where and when do we meet up on Saturday?”
Hannah looked around. “Why don’t we talk some more and grab lunch somewhere? I brought my own lunch, but those peanut butter sandwiches can wait.”
They got up and walked to the main street to find a place to eat. While Hannah was leafing through the library book about Navajo religion, Nick scrolled through the playlist on Hannah’s iPod. She was happy she’d met him. She felt completely comfortable around him.
“You want another drink?” she asked Nick, who was staring past her.
“You know what? There’s a Navajo guy standing across the street keeping his eagle eye on us.”
Hannah felt her heart skip a beat. Oh help. She knew what was would come next.
“Hey, Hannah!” Ben’s voice called out. She turned around and sure enough, her brother and Josh were coming toward them. “I phoned you and texted you,” Ben continued when he got to their table. “Don’t you have your cell on you?” He took the seat next to Hannah.
“I do. I just switched it off, I was in the library.”
“We saw your car up the road,” Josh said. “Have you been in Page for long?” He sat down next to Nick.
This was crazy. So he was still pretending he hadn’t seen her at the music store. “Since this morning. You?”
“Yeah, us too.”
“Let me introduce myself.” Nick shook Josh’s hand. “Nick Hartnett. I met Hannah in the library. I’m working on my final thesis about Navajo culture.” He launched into a full-fledged saga about his dissertation, telling Josh everything about the research he’d done so far, all the while bombarding him with questions. Josh immediately got caught up in Nick’s stories and didn’t as much as glance at her anymore.
Okay, that was it. She’d had enough. First he completely blanked her at the record store and now he gave her the cold shoulder again. Distant much?
Ben flagged down the waiter to order some food as well. He poked Hannah. “We should invite Nick for our barbecue tomorrow. So Josh and he can talk some more.”
Hannah shrugged. “Yeah, whatever.” For the moment, she didn’t feel like being a part of any activity involving Josh anymore. He could go on running hot and cold without her getting in the way of his mood swings, for all she cared.
After lunch, Nick decided to go back to the library and look up some more things for his dissertation.
“What are you guys up to?” Hannah asked Ben and Josh, once they’d paid and walked away from the restaurant.
“We’re going to drop by the visitor’s center to get a program for Movies in the Park,” Ben replied. “You know, the open-air movie theater. You coming?”
“Nah. I’m going to skip town and go to a quiet spot for a while. Sit and watch nature run its course.”
Josh looked up. “By yourself?” he asked, sounding intrigued.
Like he cared. He’d left her standing by herself this morning too.
“Yes, by myself. I can’t open up to my environment with other people around. Call it meditation or whatever.”
“Beware, Crazy Hermit on the loose,” Ben teased.
Hannah punched him. “Sticks and stones...” she replied. “Yada, yada. See you guys later.”
“But – what time are you going to be home tonight?” Ben sounded a bit worried all of a sudden.
“No idea. I’m not going to keep an eye on my watch the whole time. That’s not really my idea of a relaxing, peaceful afternoon.”
“Do come back before nightfall.” Josh unexpectedly put his hand on her shoulder.
“Oh. Okay,” she stammered. So he did care about her after all. “Will do.”
She waved at the two guys and turned around. As she started the car and drove off, she could still feel on her skin whe
re Josh had touched her.
Twenty minutes later, Hannah had found herself a nice, quiet spot on Lake Powell Beach. She breathed deeply in and out, letting the beauty and tranquility of her surroundings sink in. The longer she sat at the lakeside, the more she became aware of how much she could hear all around her. Nature rustled and moved without pause. A soft wind tousled her hair, a small bird sat tweeting on a branch, the leaves of the trees whispered in the breeze. She spotted a beautiful, dark-blue beetle crawling past her feet, making its way toward the rock next to her.
So this is what young Navajo men learned to listen for during their vision quests. They’d go off into the wilderness for days without food or water, learning how to be in sync with nature. They’d find edible plants, learn to listen for subterranean springs, train themselves to hear animals coming from miles away.
Maybe that was why Josh seemed so mature – he was so much closer to nature than anyone she knew, and he seemed so much more human for it. He was so different from her other friends.
Hannah closed her eyes and leaned her head against the rock behind her. She’d planned to spend some alone time, but now that she was alone, she couldn’t stop mulling over things that niggled at her mind. Plus, her backside felt sore from sitting in the sand, and the little flies buzzing in and out of the shrubs had all apparently decided to crawl into her ears. No vision quest for her today, then.
Grumpily, she snatched her backpack from the rock behind her and pulled out her book. If she couldn’t sit still and enjoy the view, she could at least try and read a few chapters. Hannah threw a soggy sandwich in the sand next to her to lure away the flies. Any bug in its right mind would prefer peanut butter to her earwax.
Fortunately, it didn’t take long for her to get into the story. By the time she finally looked up again, the sun was already setting. She’d better go home.
