by Vixen Kane
Sleep? I’m not even tir—
Oh wait. I am tired. At least according to the excuse I gave him.
“Right.” I let him help me out of his vehicle and then open my driver’s door for me. After getting in and starting my own car, I look up at him. “Thanks for the movie. I’ll see you soon.”
“Any time.” He kisses my cheek real quick before closing my door and standing there until I back out of the driveway and start down the street.
I have a lot of time to think on the drive back to the dorm, and when I pull into a parking space, the truth smacks me in the face.
I’m in love with Seth Carnes.
22
Seth
I take the stairs at the library to the second floor. It smells like lemon-scented cleaner up here, and I can already tell the fluorescent lighting would give me a headache if I used this place to study. I prefer the coffee shop. It’s noisy sometimes, but it only helps me concentrate more. Val apparently prefers gloomy and silent.
I spot her in one of the group study rooms, but as I suspected, she’s the only one left. I open the door, and her eyes dart to me from the binder of notes in front of her.
“Seth.”
“Hey,” I say, holding up an energy drink I picked up at a convenience store on my way over here. “Don’t worry, I’m not here to interrupt your neurotic study habits. I just thought you might need an energy boost.”
Her eyes narrow, but it’s not sincere. Her lip twitches as she fights a smile. “They’re not neurotic. They’re thorough.”
“Right.” I chuckle and set the can down on the table before pulling out the chair beside her. I flip it around and straddle it. “Is there a break coming up, or do you want me to go?”
“Actually I’m done.” She closes her binder and turns to me, openly smiling now. “Are you ready for your physics final tomorrow?”
“Born ready,” I say, just to be a smartass. “No, but seriously, I am. Finished studying with a group about an hour ago.”
She puts her hand to her chest and tilts her head back in a playful swoon. “Ah, I love a man with a solid work ethic.”
“Oh, you love me huh?”
I mean the words as a joke, but I regret them as soon as they’re out of my mouth. They only remind me of how this whole thing started and that in five days when class officially lets out, there’s a good chance she’ll find out about it. Or maybe not then, but if we see each other after the challenge is over, she’s bound to find out.
I should just tell her. Spit it out and apologize. Maybe we’ll laugh about it, and it won’t be so bad.
Val’s reaction distracts me from my thoughts. Her playful demeanor is gone, and the smile has vanished. Her face is turning red.
“It was a joke,” I say, my head tilting.
She laughs, but it comes out forced, so it only makes her seem more nervous. “I know.” She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and glances away. When her gaze returns to meet mine, her eyes hold an intensity that make me want to look away, but I don’t. “What if it wasn’t a joke? What if I said I did? That’d be weird, right? Because it’s too soon?”
My heart makes it’s way down my body until it’s lying on the floor. I can’t breathe, and I don’t know if it’s because my lungs have stopped working or if all the oxygen has been soaked up by the awkward tension that fills the room.
Val’s shoulders slump, and her face turns a deeper shade of red as she looks away. “Sorry, never mind. That was stupid.”
There isn’t a mirror in the room, but I imagine I’m not looking real encouraging, so I clear my throat and try to force my face into a neutral expression. “It isn’t stupid.”
Her gaze turns to me. “It isn’t?”
“No.” I give a shake of my head and try to think of something to say next. I’m drawing a complete blank, and the seconds that tick by feel excruciatingly long.
She loves me. Is that really what she’s saying right now? Me.
That isn’t fucking possible.
“I have to tell you something,” I spit out before I can think too long on it.
She looks at me expectantly, her hands resting in her lap. She’s so strong and unbroken, it’s one of my favorite things about her. No, it is my favorite thing about her, and I’d set off on a mission to destroy it.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“What is it?” she asks, when I don’t say anything. I can’t. A lump is clogging my throat, and no matter how hard I think, the words won’t come together.
“I. I uh—”
“Yes?”
I clear my throat. “Did you know I’m going to be the president of Delta Gamma next year?”
Her eyes narrow in either confusion or suspicion, and she nods. “Yes.”
“So, um.” I run my hand over the back of my neck. This is so fucking hard, it’s literally giving me a headache. I need to tell her. I know I need to tell her, and I know now is the time to do it. She’s telling me she loves me without saying the words, and she has no idea the impact that has.
“Seth,” she says, putting her hand on mine that’s resting on the chair. “Why don’t we pretend this conversation didn’t happen? I’m sorry for making it weird.” She takes a deep breath. “Truth is, I’m having a lot of fun with you, and I don’t want it to end.”
I nod. “Okay.”
I hate myself for being such a coward, but a boulder lifts off my shoulders and carries the tension in the room with it. Why hurt her now? Right before finals. I’d be a bigger asshole doing it now and distracting her than if I waited.
So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll tell her after school’s out. If she hates me, I’ll deal with it then.
Speakers outside the room announce that the library is closing in thirty minutes, and Val takes that as a good time to start packing up. She puts her binder and drink in her bag and stands, lifting the strap over her shoulder.
“Can I walk you to your dorm?”
She smiles, but it appears forced. “Of course.”
I take her bag from her and push in my chair.
We’re quiet on the way back to her dorm, and I notice we take a different route than when I’d set her up to get followed. This way is longer, but it’s more lit and runs by buildings that get more traffic late at night. My stomach twists knowing I’m the reason she’s frightened, and it’s even worse when I realize I might have to tell her that too.
She’s going to hate me.
“Val?” I stop outside her dorm, not planning on coming up this time. So much is swirling through my mind, and I know it would only be more awkward.
She turns and meets my gaze.
“I’ve never told anyone I loved them.”
Her eyes soften, and she lets out a breath. She looks as if everything about tonight suddenly makes sense, and it only causes more guilt to filter in. I was telling the truth, I’ve never said that to anyone not related by blood before. I’ve also never spent this much time with any one girl, and I’ve never felt this way. And that realization causes a new question to cloud my mind, taking over all the other anxiety and thoughts.
Do I love Valerie?
She cups my cheek and leans on her toes to press her lips to mine. Cherry lip gloss lights up my senses, and I wrap my hands around her hips to pull her closer.
When she pulls back, she takes her bag off my shoulder and smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
23
Valerie
“Can I get you anything to drink?”
Seth let me into the Delta Gamma house a few minutes ago, and we’re standing in the kitchen getting snacks for our movie binge.
“You got anything besides beer?” I really don’t want this to turn into a night of drinking. I have a lot more studying to do and won’t be able to with a hangover.
“Yup.” He opens the refrigerator and, to my surprise, pulls out several different kinds of
pop, orange juice, milk, water, and iced tea and sets them on the counter. �
�Pick your poison.”
“Mountain Dew’s fine.” While he puts everything else back, I glance around at my surroundings.
I’ve only ever been here for parties, and it’s weird without the throngs of drunken students, blaring music and booze. It looks like a normal house. Well, more like a bachelor pad, but there’s a living room, dining room, kitchen, and what I assume is meant to be a large family room has been turned into a study room with several desks and computers. My gaze lingers on that room for several minutes as I try to picture Seth and his frat brothers in there, cramming for a test, writing a research paper, or even doing anything academic. I struggle to capture an image of anything serious going on in this house.
“We’re just like every other college student, ya know?” His arms come around my waist, and he links his hands and hugs me to him. My back to his front. “We go to class, study, take exams. Most of the guys here have scholarships to maintain. And we have to keep a certain GPA to remain in the fraternity.” He leans in and nuzzles my neck. “We just happen to also host the best damn parties this university’s ever seen.”
“How’d you know what I was thinking?” I turn in his arms and lift my face to look him in the eyes.
He chuckles. “You do this thing with your eyes. They get all scrunchy and serious.”
“Scrunchy?”
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “It’s cute.” He fits his lips over mine. I want him to linger, deepen the kiss, but he doesn’t. “And when you’re deep in thought, your head tilts to one side. Like you’re trying to sort out all of the world’s most difficult problems.”
“I wish I could.”
“Don’t we all?” He steps away from me to pick up our drinks and the pizza box that was delivered just after I arrived. With one more look around the kitchen, he appears satisfied that he has everything and returns his attention to me. “Ready to watch some chick flicks?”
“Are you sure you’re okay with me picking the movies? I have a hard time picturing you enjoying that.” Although, he didn’t seem to mind it when we were at the theater.
“Val, you’re forgetting I’ve got a twin sister. She loves them, and I’ve seen more than I care to admit. They aren’t bad.” He shrugs before his face turns stern. “And if you tell anyone I said that, I’ll have to kill you.”
Laughter bubbles at the back of my throat, and I slap my hand over my mouth to hold it in. Seth narrows his eyes at me, but he can’t control himself and we both crack up.
“What’s so funny?” Connor’s voice breaks the spell of hilarity.
Seth doesn’t answer, but I have no such problem. “Seth’s going to kill me.”
Connor looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. I imagine my statement doesn’t match the grin I’m wearing.
“Well, okay then.” Connor turns his attention toward Seth. “Just clean up the mess when you’re done.” His tone is serious. More serious than the situation warrants.
“Wait. What?” Seth and I were joking, but Connor doesn’t appear to be.
“He’s kidding.” Seth bumps my shoulder with his arm.
“Oh.” I feel stupid because I should have known that.
“Have a good night, you two.” Connor winks at me before walking out of the room with a bottled water.
“He needs to work on his delivery of jokes.”
“I’ll get right on that.” Seth nudges me. “C’mon. Let’s get upstairs before anyone else
comes in.”
On the way out of the kitchen, I pick up the bag I’d set on the floor. In it are the movies I brought and a change of clothes. Seth didn’t say I’d be spending the night, but a girl can dream, can’t she?
We head to Seth’s bedroom, and when we reach it, he kicks the door closed. I look around, and memories of the last time I was in this room flood my system. I was high, although I didn’t know it at the time, and scared. The most scared I’d ever been in my life. Now, I hear noises around me, but I’m back in that moment, seeing everything in my mind as if it’s currently happening.
“I really am sorry that happened.” His hands on my shoulders bring me out of the haze. I don’t question how he knows what I’m thinking. He’s proven that he can read me pretty well.
I mentally shrug off the darkness and turn to face him. “It’s not your fault.”
“I brought you to the party. I knew there’d be edibles here, and I didn’t keep a close enough eye on you.”
“Seth, I’m a big girl. No one forced me to eat the stupid gummy bears.” The look on his face is one of disbelief that I’m not blaming him. “Besides, Nate apologized.”
His eyes lock onto mine. “He did?”
“Yeah. He sent me a text a few days later. I think he felt really bad about it. I know you blame him, and yourself, but don’t. It happened and I’m okay.”
“I guess I was just worried that you’d think it was a setup. Like it was somehow related to what happened in high school.”
He looks so caught up in his worry that I step up close to him and place my hands on his cheeks. His eyes widen a fraction. “Seth, stop. I’m over what happened. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me back then, and I know you, and Nate didn’t mean for anything to happen with the gummy bears. I’m over both of them. I wish you could be, too.”
“You really mean that, don’t you?” He threads his fingers through my hair and pulls me even closer.
“Uh huh. And you know what?” I take a deep breath as his stare intensifies.
“What?”
“I think I lo—”
What the hell am I doing?
This is not the time or place to declare my feelings. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? I don’t think I’d survive his rejection. My feelings are real and deep, and it’ll crush me if he doesn’t reciprocate.
“You think what, Val?” He tilts his head expectantly.
“Um, I think, uh…”
Get a grip, Valerie Lynn.
“I’m starving. I think we should eat.” I step away from him and walk to the pizza box he set on his desk.
“Okay.” He sounds confused, and I can’t blame him.
Before I open the box to grab a slice, a paper catches my eye. It looks like a drawing of some sort. It looks complicated… and beautiful in its own way.
“What’s this?” I pick it up and turn to show it to him.
“Oh, that. It’s nothing.” He snatches it from my hand and thrusts his fingers through his hair.
“It doesn’t look like nothing.”
“It’s just something I work on in my spare time.” He puts it back in its original place and stares at it.
I look at it with him, and the longer I look, the more I realize it gives me a glimpse into his mind. His hopes, his dreams. “It looks like a house.”
He sighs heavily, like I discovered a big secret. “That’s because it is.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “It’s not a big deal.”
“But you’re drawing a house. In your spare time.” He says it’s nothing, but his facial expression and body language tell me that it’s not nothing to him. “Why?”
“Does it matter?” He turns from me and sits on the bed.
“It does to me.” I kneel in front of him, between his knees, and place my hands on his thighs. “Tell me. Please.”
He blows out a breath before speaking. “When Sarah and I were little, she always struggled, ya know? Autism is awful, and she’s always had a hard time in social situations or talking to people.” He looks past me, his blue eyes shining. “I’m the one person she never really shielded herself from. It’s always been easy between us. Maybe it’s the twin thing, maybe not. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.” He glances at me before returning his gaze to some scene in his mind and audibly swallowing down his emotions. “Anyway, when we were kids, we would talk for hours about our dream houses. Hers always included as much space as possible for fish. Walls that were fish tanks, tables that held water for fish, streams flowing through the rooms. I�
��ve had a vision of what that would look like for years and figured I’d create it.” He smiles, shakily. “Well, I’m drawing it, at least.”
“Wow.” I swipe at the tears I hadn’t realized had fallen. “That’s beautiful. Can I see it? I mean, for longer than a few seconds. Will you explain the details to me?”
“Uh, sure.” He stands and gets the drawing.
We sit on the floor and for the next hour, he goes over every detail while we eat pizza. The way he describes everything allows me to create a perfect mental picture of what it would look like completed. The passion in his voice as he talks and the emotion he has for something that is completely selfless makes me fall in love with him even more.
“That’s amazing,” I say when we’re done, and he puts the drawing in a desk drawer.
“Thanks. It’s just a hobby, though.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal, but I can tell it is. I’m realizing that I’m able to read him almost as well as he can read me.
“Whatever you say.” He clearly doesn’t want to talk about it further, so I bend down to pull some movies out of my bag. “How about we watch some movies and get our minds off of serious topics? I, for one, am ready to not think about anything serious for a while.”
Seth looks at the selection of movies I’m holding and picks She’s All That.
“I’ve never seen this one.” He holds it up for me to see. “Is it any good?”
“Seriously? Sarah makes you watch chick flicks, and she’s never made you watch this? It’s so good.”
He chuckles and puts the disc in the DVD player before sitting on the bed and leaning against the wall. He pats the bed next to him and says, “Get over here.”
“Yes, sir.” I climb onto the bed and sit between his legs.
“Smartass,” he teases.
As the movie plays, Seth’s teasing turns physical. He touches me, and my body ignites. I’ve seen the flick a hundred times, so I don’t even mind that he’s distracting me.
