by Vixen Kane
“I’ll take the lilies,” I say to the girl working the stand. She’s been staring at me the last five minutes like I’m some science experiment. I ignore Tristan’s sigh and pull cash from my wallet before exchanging it with the girl for the flowers.
Purple lilies. That’s the best I can do.
Even I want to roll my eyes at the gesture.
I glance at Tristan and start walking back to his car. “Take me to the dorm.”
“What the fuck? What happened to going to Costigans?”
“I agreed to go out. I’m out. Now I’m ready to go.” I wave at the car before jerking on the handle. He shakes his head before unlocking the car and walking around to the driver’s side.
When we’re both inside, he turns to me. “Seth, it’s been two days… She hasn’t returned your calls or texts, she doesn’t want to see you. Why don’t you just let this go?”
“Because I can’t.”
“Because of guilt? Look, I get it. It doesn’t feel good hurting people, but she’s a big girl.”
“It’s not just the guilt. It’s…”
“It’s what?”
This is the most serious I’ve ever seen Tristan. His hands are draped over the steering wheel, but he’s giving me his full attention. As much as I don’t see the point in talking to him about this shit, he’s playing the actual friend role pretty well all of a sudden.
“Nothing. Never mind.”
He sighs and leans his head back against the seat. We sit in silence for a few minutes, then he seems to snap out of his catatonically annoyed state because he puts the key in the ignition.
“Fuck it,” he mutters, pulling onto the road. “Let’s give it a shot.”
He says that like he’s in this with me. Like it’s also his fuck up to fix. But it’s not. It’s mine and mine alone, and no one else but me can make this right.
Ten minutes pass, and we’re pulling into the parking lot of the dorm. Neither of us have said anything on the way over, but when I go to get out of the car, he stops me.
He reaches into the backseat and pulls a notebook and a pen from his bag and hands it to me.
“You should write a letter. Just in case she refuses to see you.”
I nod and flip open the notebook. “Good idea.”
“You know you’re my best friend, right?”
I glance over at him, the pen hovering about the paper. Honestly, no, I didn’t know that. We’ve hung out since Freshman year, and we’ve always gotten along well. I’m closer to him than I am the other brothers, which is why he’s my VP. But best friend? I’m not sure I know much about him that constitutes that title, but yeah, I guess you can say that.
He rolls his eyes and laughs when I don’t respond. “Okay, asshole, I know we don’t talk about the real shit much, but you can tell me whatever the hell is going on with you. I’m not gonna say anything to anyone.”
“No?”
Guilt flashes across his face, so I know he picks up on my meaning. He told Connor and Nate about my doubts on completing the challenge. Which is kind of ironic now because I wish like hell that I hadn’t completed it.
I really should’ve taken their offer to do something else.
“I was a chicken shit that was scared we weren’t going to get the titles. It sounds stupid now that I say it out loud, and I’m sorry.”
I sigh, silently agreeing that it was a moronic call, but also, I kind of get it. This shit meant so much to me such a short time ago. I’m not sure it does anymore. I didn’t even know about my parents hiring a companion, and it was days before I found out about Sarah getting lost and being escorted home by a police officer. How much had I missed out on because of the partying? Or the random bullshit I had to do for the fraternity?
I’ve been a shitty brother and an even shittier boyfriend, and right now, I couldn’t care less about being president. But Tristan still cared, and I shouldn’t be hung up over it.
“It’s all right. I get it.” I glance down at the notebook and tap the pen on the blank page. Minutes go by before I finally spit the words out. “I love her.”
Awkward silence fills the car, and I wait for the smartass comment that doesn’t come. After a minute, Tristan clears his throat. “You should probably get to writing then.”
I nod and start to write. It’s probably a mistake, but I tell her everything. How pissed I was to get this as a challenge. How much I thought I didn’t like her. How I set her up to get followed so I could be the hero. How I said a lot of shit that wasn’t true, and then all the things I’d said that were. How incredible that first kiss felt, and how I started to see the real her. How I love the way she is with my sister, and how I love the way she is in general. I tell her every single detail I can recall, and by the time I’m done, I’ve filled four pages front and back.
Tristan’s staring at me, but he doesn’t look like he thinks I’m insane. He looks like he’s rooting for me. Maybe even happy for me.
I ignore his stare and rip the pages from the notebook. I grab the flowers and climb out of the car.
“Seth,” Tristan says, making me pause. “Good luck.”
I nod and shut the door, swallowing before I head into the dorm.
When I reach her room, I lift my knuckles to knock, but something stops me. Laughter. It sounds like Lexie, but then a different laugh reaches my ears. A laugh that I thought I stole. Valerie’s laugh.
I glance down at the flowers and lower my hand from the door. She’s happy right now, and I’m glad. The last thing I want is to ruin it, so I set the flowers and the folded up notebook pages on the floor.
My legs feel like they’ve filled with concrete, but I manage to walk away.
I don’t plan on bothering her again.
28
Valerie
“Why’d you let me drink so much last night?”
I roll over in my bed and pull the covers over my head. Morning light seeps through the curtains, and I worry that it’ll cause my head to explode.
“C’mon. Let’s go get a greasy breakfast. Perfect cure for a hangover.” Lexie sounds like she’s been awake for hours, and it’s annoying as hell.
“I’m dying and you want me to eat?” I slowly sit up, and my stomach flips over on itself. The alcohol from the night before threatens to make an appearance.
“You need to eat.” She tosses a clean T-shirt and hoodie at me. “It’ll help. I promise. Plus, you’ve got a final in a few hours, and if I don’t make sure your ass is up and ready to go, you’ll never forgive me.”
The mention of my final, my last one, forces me to ignore the nausea and the drumline in my brain. I toss the covers off of me and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. Lexie’s standing there with a bottle of water.
“Here.” She thrusts the bottle at me, along with two aspirin in her other hand. “Take these. It’ll take the edge off.”
I take the pills and wash them down with a long drink of the cold liquid. “Thanks.”
“No problem.”
I jump down to her level and stumble to my dresser to grab some sweats to throw on. I glance over my shoulder to see which hoodie she picked out for me. Just because I feel like death doesn’t mean I can’t at least match my clothes. No sense looking like death, too. Once I’m dressed, I turn toward my desk to grab my wallet and freeze.
Empty Smirnoff bottles are lined up like soldiers on a battlefield. I rub my eyes, convinced I’m seeing things, but the evidence of last night is still there when I drop my hands. I count the bottles and am shocked to realize there are sev—
“Seventeen.”
I whirl on Lexie. “Huh?”
“There are seventeen bottles there. And another four in the trash.” Surely we weren’t the only two here last night. “And before you even ask, it was just the two of us.” She shrugs. “You wanted to forget a certain someone, and I facilitated that.”
“Oh.” I press my fingers into my throbbing temples, but it doesn’t ease the headache that’s getting
worse by the second. “I, uh… thanks.” I glance at her. “I think.”
“Don’t mention it.” She grabs my hand and tugs me toward the door. “Now let’s go. I’m starving.”
How she can be so chipper is beyond me, but she’s right. I’ve got a final in a few hours, and I need to eat. I’m just not sure that whatever I eat will stay put. Lexie unlocks and opens the door, but before she can walk out, she stops, causing me to slam into her.
“What are you doing?” I ask.
“Look.” She points down, and I follow the line of her arm to see what’s on the floor.
“What the hell?” I step around her and pick up the purple lilies and folded paper. The lilies are starting to wilt, telling me they’ve been there a while.
Lexie snatches the paper out of my hand and unfolds it to scan the words. A smile blooms on her face, and she hands it back to me.
“It’s for you.”
I read the first few words and then shuffle through to the last page, confirming what I already know. It’s from Seth.
“Um, go ahead to the dining hall.” I walk back to the bed, sit down on the bottom bunk and drop the flowers next to me. “Bring me something back.”
“Are you sure?” I raise my head and take in Lexie’s worried expression. She’s chewing on her cheek, and her brow is furrowed. “He hurt you, Val. I just hate to see you give him the opportunity to do it again.”
“It’s just a letter, Lex.” I glance back at the top piece of paper and the word ‘sorry’ jumps out at me from several spots on the page. “I’ll be fine. I promise.” I smile at her reassuringly.
“Okay. If you’re sure?” She still doesn’t turn to walk out the door.
“Totally sure. And if he hurts me again, I’ll let you tear him a new one.”
Lexie snorts at that, but her worry disappears. “Promise?”
“Absolutely.” I chuckle at her quick change in attitude.
“Fine. I’ll be back.” With that, she walks out and shuts the door behind her.
I sit there for several minutes, staring at the closed barrier and trying to work up the guts to read the letter. I told Lexie I’d be fine, but I’m not convinced that what I said was true. Seth broke my heart, but I still love him. Stupid, yes, but the heart wants what the heart wants. What if this letter makes me do something equally stupid like forgive him?
Get a grip, Valerie Lynn.
The voice in my head is right. I turn my attention back to the letter and start reading. Seth apologizes numerous times for the entire situation. He says he didn’t want the challenge in the first place. At first, he says it was because he didn’t like me but that it morphed into not wanting the challenge because he realized how much he does like me.
He mentions our first kiss and admits that he set up the guys catcalling me so he could play the hero. He says he didn’t expect me to kiss him, but he’s glad I did. As I read the words he chose to describe that first kiss, I’m transported back to that moment in time and can’t help but smile. It really was the best kiss of my life. I’d be lying if I tried to deny it.
He goes on to talk about all the ways he knows me, and the more I read, the more I realize that he does know me. He knows how my forehead wrinkles when I’m confused and how I blush when I’m embarrassed. He knows how, when I’m nervous, I play with my hair. He knows my favorite color is purple, but not because I told him. He knows because he’s paid attention. He knows I have a weird obsession with pandas and says he thinks it’s adorable.
Seth talks about what he feels when he sees me with Sarah. How proud he is of his sister and of me. How he’s a bit jealous of our friendship but wants us both to be happy, so he ignores it. He apologizes for hurting me so badly that I quit my job. And how he now knows that, not only did he break my heart, he broke his sister’s as well.
Everything he wrote has a ring of truth to it, and when I’m done reading, I realize that tears are silently streaming down my cheeks. I swipe at them and lay back on the bed, drawing my knees up and resting my feet on the edge. I want to be mad at him. I want to scream and cry, and I want him to feel a tenth of what he’s put me through. Problem with that is, I still love him. And the words in this letter, the words that he chose to write, only make me love him more.
A thought occurs to me as I’m lying there. This all started because I wanted to have fun. Be normal. This all happened because I made a decision to not be afraid to live life to the fullest. The question now is, do I still want that? Am I going to let my fear of rejection stop me from going after what I really want?
He didn’t say he loves you in the letter.
The voice in my head brings lingering doubt to the surface, but I shove it back down. He may not have said he loves me in so many words, but he said so much more than that. What if he does love me, and what if everything he says is true? Do I really want to miss the chance to find out? Miss the chance to be with the one person that I shouldn’t love but do?
The answer to all of it is no. Absolutely not.
A plan begins to formulate, and when Lexie walks back through the door with breakfast, I hop up with single-minded determination and a huge smile on my face.
“Lex, I’m gonna need your help.”
29
Seth
It’s the night of my inauguration, I’m standing in front of the upstairs bathroom mirror. My chest is vibrating from the blaring music downstairs, and there’s one question spinning through my mind.
Do I want this?
My phone vibrates, and I pull it from my pocket.
Sarah: Hope you have fun tonight. Will you be home tomorrow?
Sarah’s text only throws me off more, and I shove my phone in my pocket. She occasionally sends me that on a Saturday night, even though family dinner has been every Sunday night since I started college. She does it because I’ve missed about a third of them, and every single one has been from me either being hungover or me being stupid. I even skipped the dinner my parents had to thank the police officer who helped her because I was focused on tormenting a girl.
Val.
What would she tell me to do right now?
Probably to go fuck yourself.
A knock sounds on the door, and I startle, my hands gripping the edge of the sink.
“Hey, you ready?” It’s Tristan’s voice.
I open the door and immediately spot the excitement glowing in his eyes. His hands are in his pockets, and his lips are in a line, but it’s only an act. He has no doubts about wanting this. It’s just me.
“You all right?” His head tilts as he studies me.
I blink a few times, as if that will help me forget this might be a huge mistake. One that will only make me twice as absent as I’ve already been. “Yeah. Let’s do it.”
Tristan stands back so I can lead the way down the stairs. I plaster on a smile and wave to the roars of cheers that fill the room as we make our way down like I’m a fucking king. The music lowers, and Tristan and I weave through a crowd of people, all of them drunk and chanting for something none of them give a shit about. But this is our best party of the year, so they’d cover themselves in jelly and run around naked if we told them to.
There are four pedestals set up, the two in the middle the tallest and for the current and future presidents and the other two for the current and future VP. Connor and Nate have already taken their places. Connor smiles at me like a proud father and wears a crown on his head. An actual crown. Where the fraternity got it and how expensive the motherfucker is, I have no idea.
I climb onto the tall pedestal next to Connor and smile out at the crowd. Connor lifts his hand and cuts it through the air like a conductor, and the music stops. Everyone goes silent except for a few drunk idiots in the back who are immediately escorted outside by a few brothers.
Someone comes up and hands the four of us gold-plated goblets filled almost to the brim with beer. I take mine with a smile, but I can’t help but think how ridiculous this shit is. I didn’t used
to think this way, did I? I wouldn’t know. Last year’s ceremony I was too trashed to remember.
“Brothers of Delta Gamma Phi.” Connor holds his goblet up. “It has been an honor to lead you all through the perishes of finals, the winter famish of the sundress, and one sick spring break in Cancun.” Connor pauses while people cheer. When it dies down, he continues. “I will look back on each day as a Delta Gamma brother with fondness and no grief. Because I know, that the brotherhood is in my blood, and Delta Gamma is for life.”
“Delta Gamma!” Someone yells and others join in.
Connor’s smile widens, and he uses his hand not holding the goblet to squeeze my shoulder. “It is time for your new president. An individual who has slayed many dragons, gone on many quests, and has proven himself to be worthiest to all of us. My friend. My brother. Seth Carnes.”
The crowd roars, and Connor brings the goblet to his lips. The rest of us follow his lead, and I chug back half the beer. I should’ve drank before this. I should be trashed right now. It would’ve made it so much easier.
When I bring the goblet down, all eyes are on me. It’s time to make my speech, which I’m sad to say is almost as idiotic as Connor’s. Tristan helped me come up with it last night.
“Brothers of Delta Gamma Phi.” I raise the goblet high. “Today marks a new era. One I can only hope will live up to the standards of my predecessors…”
I don’t know if she moved, if her smell somehow stood out in the crowd, or if my eyes roamed to her on accident, but Valerie is all I can see when I make her out in the crowd. She’s wearing the same white dress we wore on that first date, and Lexie is standing next to her. When we make eye-contact, she gives me a small wave and an encouraging smile.
