by Paris Rose
I held my breath and didn’t respond. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, but I knew I couldn’t lie there forever. After several moments, I exhaled and sat up. Trevor was rubbing his eyes. I gazed at him. He looked so docile and content. I was really going to miss him.
“Trevor, I can’t stay. I really want to, but it won’t be good for either of us. I will never be the submissive, the girlfriend, or the lover that you want me to be. It’s just not in me. I’m sorry.”
He sat up and looked at me intently. His eyes glistened with emotion. “Giavanna, don’t leave me, please. I promise I’ll try to be less demanding. I know we can make this work. I’ve never cared for anyone the way I’ve cared for you. I’m sorry I haven’t been the perfect boyfriend, but I tried to tell you I was different before we got involved, and you still insisted you wanted to be with me. You seemed so accepting then. What happened?” He seemed genuinely perplexed.
“I don’t know Trevor…I really don’t. You’re right. You did try to warn me, over and over again, that your world was different from mine. Even when you told me to stay away, I couldn’t. Back then, there was nothing you could have done or said to keep me away from you. And don’t get me wrong, I still really care about you a lot, but somewhere along the way things went from sexy and exciting to dark and disturbing. I know in the beginning I said I’d try to be open-minded. And I did try. There were times that I really enjoyed letting you dominate me, but there were other times where things just got out of control.” I paused to gather my thoughts. “I love you so much. And I want to trust you. I know you’re not a bad person. But part of me fears that you’ll really hurt me one day. Being with you has already broken me down to the point that I don’t know who I am anymore, and I feel like it’s just going to get worse. Even though I didn’t sign the agreement, I still consented to everything, so I don’t even know why I feel this way, but part of me feels like I’ve been abused…for lack of a better word. I don’t want to hurt you, but I have to get away from you before you mess me up even more than you already have. I’m really sorry, Trevor.”
He chewed nervously on his bottom lip. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth as if to speak but nothing came out. He squeezed his eyes shut and took several deep breaths. I looked away. I didn’t want to see Trevor break down—it would break my heart.
I caressed his hand with my thumb. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be hurt,” I uttered without looking in his direction.
“Being with you and showing you new things made me feel good inside for the first time in a long time. I loved that you were such a challenge to tame. It really excited me. I’m sorry that some of the things I did or said made you feel bad, but I am deeply ingrained in my lifestyle. It’s who I am. I really wish there was a way we could feel good together again…you know, meet each other in the middle.”
“I don’t think there is a middle ground here, Trevor. You get off on exerting both psychological and physical control over others. I, on the other hand, need equality and balance to be happy. As much as I enjoyed being dominated on a carnal level, a piece of me died inside every time I let you punish or control me. Part of this is my fault. I really should have been more firm about my boundaries before things went too far.”
“Don’t blame yourself, Giavanna. As your partner, it was my job to protect you. I obviously failed at taking care of you properly and making sure you were okay physically and emotionally, so as much as it pains me to admit it, some of this is probably my fault, too. I’ve always cared about you immensely. I knew you were special from day one. I really did try to protect you in the beginning, but you insisted that you didn’t want to be protected. And I selfishly let you have your way. I should have never let you get sucked into my world, but I was hooked on you from the moment we met at The Standard that night. I needed to have you, but deep inside, I always knew that having you meant desecrating and destroying the bright-eyed angel you were before we met. I really didn’t want that to happen, but my feelings for you consumed me to the point that I could no longer will myself to push you away. I’m sorry I failed you, but ultimately I did what I had to do in order to take care of my own needs. I’m sorry.”
“After everything you did to me, I feel like I should despise you, but I actually don’t hold anything against you, Trevor. You will always have a special place in my heart.” I leaned over and enveloped him in a tight embrace. He squeezed me back.
“Giavanna?”
“Yes, Trevor.”
“Can I have you one last time so both of us can have closure?”
I pulled back and put some space between us. He looked stunning, and I was feeling quite vulnerable. I longed for the familiarity of our power play rituals and the feeling of letting him exert complete control over me. But I knew if I submitted to him, he would have me and I’d lose my will to break free. “I can’t do that, Trevor. You know it’s not a good idea. I need to pack and leave now.” I kissed him on the forehead.
“You have so many clothes and shoes here. How do you expect to be able to move out so suddenly?”
“Donate everything to charity. I’m going to take a few pieces out of necessity, but you can keep everything else. And I’ll eventually pay you back the rent you paid on my apartment when I’m in the position to do so.”
“Well, if that’s the way you want it, then so be it.”
I sighed. “I can’t talk about this, Trevor. I have to find a plane ticket.”
“C’mon, Giavanna. Don’t be unreasonable. You’re acting like we’re strangers. Don’t waste money on a plane ticket and time at the airport. You can take my jet.”
I was starting to feel like I would never learn to be independent of Trevor. But I was so emotionally exhausted that I didn’t think I could deal with the stress of navigating LAX. I needed to be alone, not in a crowded airport. And I needed to get back to Chicago as soon as possible. I didn’t want to prolong my departure longer than I had to. One last trip on Trevor’s jet couldn’t hurt. I really was going to miss being able to get anywhere in the world on a whim.
“Thanks, Trevor. I really appreciate it.”
“As you should. Now you can’t ever say I’ve never done anything nice for you.”
I gave Trevor a tense smile and made my way to the bathroom. I got dressed and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror as I pulled my hair up in a tight bun and put on some lip gloss. I didn’t recognize the reflection staring back at me. My face was swollen from crying and my hazel eyes looked lifeless. I noticed I had reflexively put on the diamond collar as I had gotten dressed. It had become a part of my routine. I hastily took it off. I rubbed my exposed neck. I felt naked without the collar. It had become a piece of me. I hurried out of the bathroom and tried to escape from my own thoughts. I packed two suitcases and a garment bag. Trevor begrudgingly carried everything downstairs for me.
“I guess it’s really time to say goodbye now,” he said quietly.
“Yeah, I guess it is.” I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together to keep from crying. I was clutching the diamond collar by my side. “Here. This belongs to you.” I hesitantly placed it in his hands. I opened the door to leave before my emotions overwhelmed me.
“Giavanna, are you sure you want to do this? I’m giving you one last chance to stay. I am confident we can have a really nice life together. This right here is just a little bump in the road. You and I both know that we belong together. Do what’s best for both of us. Please stay.”
I let go of the door and let Trevor pull me into his arms one last time. We held each other in silence. I felt his body tremor. He released his embrace and softly placed his hand on my cheek. When our eyes met, I could see that he was crying. My breath caught in my throat. I had never seen Trevor cry before. The sight pained me greatly.
“Trevor, I can’t stay. I hope you’ll be okay, but for once in this relationship, I have to watch out for myself. I can’t be with you anymore.” I swallowed
hard to keep myself from crying.
“You know, I was thinking about everything you said to me and…” He seemed to struggle to find words. “And I kind of feel like a shitty person for what I put you through, but I really don’t want to lose you.” He averted his eyes and looked at the floor. “I’m really sorry that I couldn’t be the man that you needed me to be, but to be honest, sometimes you weren’t the woman I needed you to be, either. I think there is probably a part of both of us that is fucked up inside, and that’s why we fit so well together. I regret that you weren’t able to hang in there so that we could ride it out as a couple instead of having to face our demons alone.” He looked up at me with his mesmerizing dark brown eyes. “You can’t deny that we’re meant for each other, and neither can I. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize this, but I love you, Giavanna. I love you as much as I know how.”
I took a deep breath as I digested everything that Trevor had just said. I didn’t know if he really believed the words he was saying or if he was just trying to manipulate me. My eyes welled with tears, and I couldn’t think straight as I wondered if everything that we went through together was worth it to hear him say those words.
I gently wiped his tears away with my thumb. “Trevor, you’re right about neither one of us being perfect, but you’re wrong about us being meant for each other. We’re just not a good fit, but I don’t think you’re a shitty person. You just have some things you need to work on. I want you to know that despite how badly you hurt me, I believe in you and I’ll always be rooting for you. I love you so much, Trevor. I really want to see you happy one day. You take care of yourself okay.” I kissed him on the cheek.
“You do the same, Giavanna.” He squeezed my hand. “All right, well it’s probably best that you be on your way. I hope you make it out there without me. Bye now.” He released my hand. His words gave me chills as I realized that I was completely on my own.
“Bye.”
Reggie helped me load my things into the Maybach in silence. I looked out the back window at Trevor’s Hollywood Hills palace as we pulled off. I was leaving so many memories behind there. Despite everything that happened, I didn’t regret my time with Trevor. Being with him gave me access to a world that I would have never experienced on my own. I was not only going to miss the luxury and perks that he provided, but also the way he cared for me and nurtured me. I was so used to allowing Trevor to be in charge that the thought of making decisions on my own and having no one to defer to scared me. There were many benefits to being with Trevor, but I was confident that I made the right decision in leaving him, and his bondage-and-discipline lifestyle, behind.
* * *
It had been over two weeks since I’d left Trevor back in California. I’d been too depressed to apply for jobs. In fact, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do with my life. Ever since I moved back to Chicago, I spent all my days just lying in bed, listening to music. I hadn’t talked to anyone. No one in Chicago knew I had moved back. And I wasn’t sure if Jade or any of Trevor’s other friends knew that I had left L.A. I was completely isolated.
My apartment was still covered in dust from me being away for several months. And I had lost a lot of weight from not eating. I was literally wasting away. I needed to be held. I needed to be fed. And I needed to be taken care of. But I no longer had Trevor to do those things for me. I needed to figure out how to make it on my own. I used to be so independent. I didn’t know what it would take to get back to the way I used to be, but I knew I would get there. I’d always been really resilient.
I decided it was time to look for jobs. I made some tea and sat at my computer. I checked my email before I started job searching. My heart skipped a beat when I saw I had an email from Christoff. It had come in yesterday. This was the first time I had something to be excited about in a long time. I held my breath as I clicked on his email.
*I keep thinking about you and wondering how you’re doing so I thought I’d check in. I hope you’re staying out of trouble in LA. ; ) Let me know what you’re up to.*
I was elated that someone had reached out to me. There was no way Christoff could have had any idea how much I needed his ray of light in this moment of profound darkness. But I was so grateful for our inexplicable interconnectedness. I didn’t want to tell him everything I was going through, but I was eager to hear his voice. I immediately wrote back.
*Hey Christoff : ) Do you want to do a Skype date in a few hours?*
He wrote back in less than five minutes.
*Yeah, I can do that. You sure your billionaire boyfriend won’t get jealous?*
I responded immediately.
*Hey, that’s not your business to worry about. Are YOU sure your swimsuit model girlfriend won’t get jealous?*
He wrote back seconds after I hit send.
*Stop asking. You know you don’t care*
His response made me giggle. It was the first time I had laughed in weeks. I waited a few minutes before I wrote him back so I wouldn’t seem too eager.
*Whatever lol. I’ll Skype you at 1PM central time. Okay?*
He responded instantaneously.
*K. I look forward to it.*
I squealed with delight. The thought of Christoff gave me butterflies. I blasted my favorite Aus Deutschland album as I showered and got dressed. I loved hearing Christoff sing to me. His melodic baritone vocals always moved me. He was such a passionate vocalist. Even though his albums were mass-produced, I felt like he was singing for me and only me.
As I got ready, I suddenly felt nervous that I wouldn’t have anything to say to Christoff. I was too embarrassed to tell him about the breakup with Trevor. I really needed Christoff’s support as a friend, but I didn’t want to lean on him too heavily since we really hadn’t been in touch lately.
I had no idea how this Skype date was going to go, but I was excited for it. I tried to make myself look as pretty as possible but the breakup had really taken its toll on me. I almost didn’t recognize myself. My usually creamy caramel skin was dry and blotchy. My hazel eyes totally lost their greenish spark and had morphed into a flat, dull brown. And the worst of it was my hair. It was dry, frizzie, and tangled. I had never seen myself look like this before, except when I had a really bad case of the flu a couple years ago.
In my haste to leave Trevor’s place, I’d left all of my makeup and hair supplies back in L.A. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, but it just looked knotty and wild, so I let it back down. I detangled it the best I could with my fingers and put it in two thick French braids, one on either side. I put on some lip gloss, and that made me look a little better. And I loved the low-cut white V-neck I was wearing. It made me feel at least somewhat desirable.
My heart fluttered as the time on my laptop flipped to 1:00 p.m. I started to wait until 1:05 p.m, so as not to seem too eager, but I quickly remembered that punctuality was extremely important to Christoff. I found user name “Deutschland Frontman” on my list of contacts and clicked it for the first time in far too long. I was so giddy, I couldn’t sit still. I took a deep breath to compose myself just as Christoff accepted my video call.
“Gia?”
“Hi, Christoff, I’m here.” I waved enthusiastically at the camera. I’ve always thought the concept of being able to talk face-to-face with someone halfway around the world was mind-blowing.
“I see.” Christoff smiled warmly. “How have you been?”
“Eh, I’m all right. You?”
“Well, I’m doing really good now that I get to catch up with you.” Christoff’s smile and the way his sapphire eyes sparkled made me melt.
“Oh, stop it! You’re such a flirt.” I unsuccessfully tried to stop myself from smiling ear to ear.
“You love it, though. You don’t really want me to stop, do you, pretty girl?”
“Oh, so you think you’re going to get on my good side with flattery, I see.” I involuntarily batted my eyelashes.
“Wait, when have I ever been on your bad side?
” Christoff smirked at me as he stifled a chuckle. He was so damn sexy.
“Let’s not play games. You know you’re just as good at getting on my nerves as you are at flattering me. Have you forgotten that I do know you, Christoff? Remember, I’m not the naïve little groupie I once was.” I looked down my nose at Christoff in mock snobbery.
“Right. You moved to L.A. and started running around with billionaire music moguls, and now you’re enlightened,” Christoff joked sarcastically as he made air quotes around the word “enlightened.”
“Hey, careful now. I never judged your wannabe Hugh Hefner lifestyle, so don’t judge mine. I think your head has gotten a little big from running around with college-age models.”
“Oooh, you’re cutting a little deep there. Okay, I’ll back off a bit if you promise to go easy on me. Deal?”
“Deal.” I couldn’t help but to giggle. He didn’t say anything that was particularly funny. I was just so delighted to be in a conversation with him, I was bubbling over with laughter.
“Good. I have had a rough couple of weeks, and I just want to relax and enjoy catching up with you. So I’d appreciate if you refrain from giving me any attitude. Okay?”
“Hey, I can’t really promise anything. You provoke me. But that’s why I like you. You bring out my feisty side.” I couldn’t stop smiling. I always felt so exhilarated and confident when I talked to Christoff. I went from being a depressed mess to a giddy schoolgirl within moments of hearing his voice.
“So…you still like me?” Christoff’s suggestive tone made my heart skip a beat. If I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I saw him blush. My face flushed with a combination of excitement and embarrassment.
“I’m not going to answer that. You have a girlfriend, Christoff.” I spoke as coolly as possible, but I couldn’t contain myself when I was talking to him. I was totally flirting.
“Who said I had a girlfriend?”
