by Leddy Harper
Tears cascaded down my cheeks before plummeting to my lap. And for the first time since Daniel’s death, I began to believe that he just might have been the lucky one. He was no longer bound to this kingdom by shackles like a prisoner.
“I thought I raised you better than this,” my mother scolded as soon as my bedroom door closed behind her. “Where are your morals, Moira?”
I had cried so hard that the skin around my eyes felt raw and puffy. I hadn’t looked in a mirror, nor did I want to for fear of seeing what utter destruction looked like on me. Instead, I remained on my bed with a box of tissues in my lap, most of them already wadded up and used in a heap next to me.
“Answer me, Moira Katherine Bernadette Coldwell.” Apparently, she thought using my Sunday name would get me to respond. Unfortunately, my mother had no idea just how broken I was.
It was yet another reminder of the prison I was in, and the life-sentence I’d been dealt.
Finally, she seemed to drop the angry mask and inched closer, appearing more concerned than before. “Moira, honey…we’re worried about you. You don’t have the freedom that other girls your age do, so when you do these things, they come with a much higher risk.”
“Why is everyone acting like he’s some commoner I picked up off the street? He’s not. I know him, Mother.”
“You do not know him.” As if she had any idea what went on in my life. “And regardless, it doesn’t matter who he is. You have no business being in bed with anyone you are not married to. And that foreigner is not your husband.”
“He could be.”
A sardonic laugh rippled through the room. “He most certainly could not, and never will, be your husband. For so many reasons, Moira, but for starters, because he is not an Ilunabarrian.”
I glanced at her, which did nothing but add fuel to the already blazing fire within me. I was angry. I was hurt. But most of all, I was tired of the injustice I had to deal with simply because of the family I had been born into. “That’s not fair, Mother.”
“Life isn’t fair, Moira.”
God, I hated hearing that more than anything else. As if I had been under the impression that everything was fair and just, and without her there to remind me, I would have been lost and confused as to why things didn’t always work out in my favor.
“When will you learn?” The concerned woman was long gone. In her place was the Queen of Ilunabarra, ready and willing to protect her country at any cost. Even if it meant sacrificing her daughter. Nothing felt worse than knowing your own parents would choose a country over their own flesh and blood. “You are about to become the ruler of this island. Doing reckless things like sleeping with foreigners could ruin you. It could ruin your reputation, your respect, your standing with the people. Don’t you see this?”
“I don’t want to be the ruler of this island!”
She didn’t even flinch, as if I hadn’t just screamed in her face. “So you’ve pointed out on many occasions. Regardless of how many times you tell me that, my response won’t change—it doesn’t matter what you want. You don’t have a choice.”
“Uncle George had a choice. So did everyone else who was supposed to take the throne before me. Why am I the only one who doesn’t get a say in whether or not I wear the crown? Why can’t someone else—anyone else—take the throne instead of me?”
“You are the only one qualified by birth.”
I laughed; I couldn’t help it. “I am the least qualified, Mother. The only reason that you are forcing this upon me is because I am your only living child, and you can’t stand the thought of anyone else ruling Ilunabarra. Admit it.”
“I will admit nothing.” She stood and moved toward the window, flinging the heavy curtains open to allow in more light. As if that would somehow brighten my disposition. “You really need to let this go, Moira. Just drop it for your own good, because it’s not changing. The monarchy is relying on you. The people of this country are relying on you.”
There was nothing I could do. If I tried to fight it, I would lose.
My destiny had already been written, and there was no way to edit it.
“Is that what today’s stunt was all about?” she questioned, looking angrier than before.
“What do you mean?”
“Sleeping with that boy. Did you do that on purpose?”
I was confused for a moment, but the more I thought about her question, the funnier I found it to be. “No, Mother. I accidentally took off all my clothes and climbed into bed with him. It was all completely unintentional. In fact, I didn’t even know what happened until you just explained it to me.”
“This isn’t a joke, Moira.” If she furrowed her brow any more, she would need Botox to fix it. “Did you sleep with him thinking it would get you out of your obligations here?”
“Not at all.”
“Well, I can’t think of any other reason you would hop into bed with a complete stranger.”
I saw red. With all the emotions I had experienced since Andrew caught me in bed with Ryan, anger seemed to be the most prevalent—all thanks to my mother. “Are you serious right now? You honestly believe that the only reason I would choose to be intimate with someone is to get out of becoming Queen?”
“It’s not like he even lives here, so you couldn’t possibly have feelings for him. Not to mention, you don’t really know him. You don’t know anything about him. What if he recorded the entire thing? Did you think about that?”
Ignoring the start of her speech, I focused on the last bit. “He wouldn’t do that.”
“You wouldn’t know, because you don’t know him, Moira. That is the point I am trying to make. You met him a few days ago, so how can you say what he would or wouldn’t do? You are the soon-to-be queen of an entire country; you have no idea what people will do to capitalize on that.”
I grabbed the pile of used tissues and slid off the mattress to toss them into the trash. I was done with this conversation. It was clear that she had no intention of hearing me out; she had only come here to make me feel even worse than I already did.
“If that is all…” I stared at her, letting the rest of that statement hang in the air.
“Why are you fighting me on this so much? I am your mother.”
“I am well aware of that,” I said before she could finish her thought. I didn’t care to hear anything else she had to say. Nothing that came out of her mouth would change how I felt—about her, about Ryan, about the throne. It wouldn’t change anything.
She paused and huffed to herself. “Then why not listen to me? Don’t you know that I only want the best for you? I love you, so why do you keep acting like I am out to punish you all the time?”
I had given her the chance to leave, yet it seemed she only wanted to continue pressing my buttons. If she kept this up, she would get a reaction…it just wouldn’t be the one she expected. “You don’t want what is best for me. You only care about what is best for Ilunabarra.”
“Don’t say things that are not true.”
Sadness filled her eyes, and for a split-second, I thought I might have gotten through to her…until she crossed her arms and straightened her posture. That was her no-nonsense stance. “We don’t have a choice, Moira.”
There was something about the way she said we that made me wonder if she had meant herself as well. That she hadn’t been given a choice, either. “What is that supposed to mean? What choice don’t you have?”
“I am powerless when it comes to your responsibility to this country.” Her eyes glistened as she took me by the hand and led me to the edge of my bed. “But I have to believe that this is your destiny. Anything else wouldn’t make sense. I have to trust that God took my son for a reason, and that reason was so you could rule this land. You are destined for greatness, Moira.”
I understood that many people used religion to accept the painful parts of life. I, on the other hand, didn’t. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in God or wasn’t religious, because I did, and I was
. But I also believed that unfortunate things happened without rhyme or reason. And the fact that she had just used the death of her son as a means to make me accept the responsibility that she had imposed on me did nothing but detonate the bomb within.
I couldn’t hold it in.
She had pressed my button one too many times.
“Daniel didn’t die so that I could fulfill some greater purpose. He died because you put too much pressure on him. And yet, instead of learning from that mistake, you are repeating it with me. When will you learn, Mother? When will enough be enough? Do you have to lose me, too, before you are able to grasp that your actions have dire consequences?”
Shock filled her previously glistening stare, like I had slapped her in the face.
“Take ownership of your behavior. Hold Father accountable for his as well.”
“How dare you speak such untruths?” Her low voice quavered along with her bottom lip.
I had gone too far to turn back now, so instead, I held strong and defended my accusation. “We both know that Daniel took off that night because he needed space—space you or Father wouldn’t allow him to have. All he wanted was a moment to himself before assuming the throne. You couldn’t even give him that. He would have never snuck away that night, never gotten on his boat and left, if you had simply given him the time he had asked for.”
Apparently, it was a lot harder for her to lie to herself when someone painted the truth in front of her very eyes. She could pretend all day long that there was some higher purpose to his untimely death, though we both knew differently.
“Rather than accept at least some of the blame, you have ignored reason and done the exact same thing to me.” I understood that what I was saying was harsh and hard to hear, but I refused to hold it in any longer. “I have told you from the start of this that I don’t want the crown. Why didn’t you listen to me? Why didn’t you defend me to Father? So please, don’t say you have my best interest at heart, because if that were true, you would have never allowed it to get this far. The only reason you have is because you have Ilunabarra’s best interest in mind. Not mine.”
My mother slowly pulled herself to her feet. She ran her hands over her dress, smoothing out wrinkles that didn’t exist, and with as much strength as she could muster, squared her shoulders and faced me. It was the royal thing to do—pull the mask over your face to keep anyone from seeing how you truly felt.
In a soft, calm tone that actually terrified me, she said, “Moira, you are expected to be in the dining hall in two hours. Wear your Sunday best, and please, wash your face. We don’t need the council or the elders finding out about the little stunt you pulled today.”
She took something out of her dress pocket and set it on the bed.
And then she was gone.
I waited until the door closed behind her to retrieve what she had left behind, only to discover that it was my cell. A passing thought about it had crossed my mind moments before my mother came in, but other than that, I’d had too much on my mind to think about where it could have been.
Immediately, a bolt of excitement ran through me at the thought of being able to reach Ryan. I needed to make sure he was okay. To be honest, leaving him behind with Andrew was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. There was no way to know for sure what was said after I had left.
However, as soon as I unlocked the screen and pulled up my text messages, my excitement vanished. My messages with Ryan had been erased—as was his name in my contact list. I had no way to get ahold of him, other than sit and wait for him to reach out to me.
Which was precisely what I did for an hour.
It wasn’t like I could do much else, considering I had been forbidden to leave my room until it was time to make my way down to the dining hall. But instead of getting ready, I sat on my bed and waited for Ryan to send me a text while wondering how things had gotten this far. And how I could change it.
Out of nowhere, my bedroom door opened. Libby stuck in her head, calling out, “Knock, knock.” It was the first time I had even cracked a smile since Andrew cleared his throat a few hours earlier.
She walked into my room and softly closed the door behind her. Concern lined her face as she moved across the hardwood floor to my bed, where she took a seat on the edge, facing me. “Are you okay?”
“Couldn’t be better.” And I couldn’t have sounded more sarcastic.
Libby narrowed her gaze, likely noticing my puffy eyes. “Please don’t tell me that your visit with Ryan has anything to do with your face looking like you were blasted with pepper spray.”
I could always count on my cousin to give it to me straight. “Kind of, but not exactly.”
“Wow, Mo…I can’t believe that.” The way she slowly articulated every word while speaking louder than normal confused me. Although, not as much as when she leaned closer and whispered, “Okay, now tell me what happened.”
“Why are you whispering?”
“So they can’t hear me.”
Now, I leaned forward, wondering what in the world she was talking about. “Who?”
“I don’t know. Whoever has your room bugged.”
I sat up straight and frantically scoured my room with my eyes, not once moving from my spot against the headboard. “Someone bugged my room?”
Libby shrugged while staring at me with utter confusion crossing her brow. “How should I know? I thought that’s why you were being vague with your kind of but not really response.”
Humorously annoyed, I groaned and tossed a pillow at her. “No, that was just the easiest answer I could come up with. No one is listening…as far as I am aware. But then again, after they caught me in bed with Ryan, it wouldn’t surprise me if they wired you before you came in.”
“Back that train up. You were caught in bed with Ryan? Like, in bed in bed?”
“Pretty much. We weren’t actively doing anything when Andrew walked in, but it was obvious what had taken place. And what was about to take place again.”
She gasped, and had this been about anyone else, I probably would have laughed. But no matter how much I wished I could make light of this situation, I couldn’t, because it was about me. It was likely the most trouble I had ever been in—and I had been rather problematic during my teenage years.
“How was it?”
I waved her off, annoyed that she had asked, though more annoyed that I couldn’t gush—this wasn’t the time for it. “I can’t even focus on that right now, Libby. I need help getting out of this situation.”
“You’re very convincing when you want to be, but I highly doubt you will be able to persuade anyone into believing you weren’t doing what they caught you doing.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I need to get out of my obligation to assume the throne.”
Her belting laughter was heavy with sarcasm. “Good luck with that, Mo.”
“I mean it.”
When she realized just how serious I was, she quieted down and settled into the mattress more. “Easy, leak the news about you and Ryan to the press. They’ll have a field day, and then your parents won’t have much of a choice but to change the plan.”
“Trust me, I have already considered that option,” I dejectedly muttered. “If I knew it would keep me from the crown, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I’m not so sure it will. If anything, it would make everything infinitely worse.”
“Well, the only other option you have is to ignore your parents and go straight to the elders. Then again, even that wouldn’t be a guarantee. Your father is scary when he wants to be.” She didn’t have to tell me that; I already knew just how terrifying he could be.
Which was why I needed a foolproof plan.
“What if we stage a coup?” I suggested with genuine seriousness. “We can get the people of Ilunabarra to rebel against the crown and demand democracy. That can’t be too difficult, can it?”
“That has got to be the most ridiculous idea you have ever come up with. And let m
e tell you, Mo, you have come up with some real doozies over the years.” She shook her head while laughing at me—to herself. “How exactly do you suggest we do that? Send out flyers? Have Patrick take us door to door? Hold townhall meetings?”
“I don’t know. I hadn’t thought it through that far.”
“Shocker.”
I fell face-first into the mattress so that my words were nothing but muffled garble when I whined, “All I know is I can’t do this.”
“If Ryan wasn’t in the picture, would you feel differently?”
Sitting up, I glared at her for asking the one question I didn’t want to answer. “No, because I felt the same way before he showed up here. If you don’t remember, that hearing happened weeks before he arrived, and I didn’t want the crown then, either.”
“True, but you weren’t this opposed to it then. You didn’t want it, sure. But you had accepted the decision—albeit, begrudgingly. Now, you are ready to completely ruin your reputation and turn the entire island against your family just to get out of it.”
She was right. The only reason I was this opposed to it was because I wanted to be with Ryan, and that would never happen if I wore the crown. Although, it was starting to seem as though we would never be together no matter what I did.
“If I truly believed there was a way to free you from these obligations, I would be right there with you. But I don’t, as sad as I am to admit that.” Libby scooted closer and took my hand in hers. “I would have never helped you sneak away to see Ryan had I known you’d be like this.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
With a full and heavy sigh, she locked her sorrowful eyes on mine. “I assumed you would be sad when his holiday ended, but I never expected you to throw away your birthright for him. Whether you wanted it or not, whether you asked for it or not, doesn’t change the fact that you are set to take the crown in less than a year.”
“Why is everyone so adamant that I sit on the throne?”
“Because you will be an amazing queen.” Honesty shone bright in her steel-blue eyes. “This country can only get better under your rule. With you in charge, the future of Ilunabarra is bright and prosperous.”
