by Jen Meyers
“Because you know all my secrets.” Seriously, he was the only guy in New York who knew I wrote “Yours Truly.” Or, well, he was one of two since Dan lived here now. “Because we’re friends.”
“All the more reason,” he said. “Isn’t that what they say? Being friends first is better.”
“Still no.” I shook my head, wishing we’d go back to talking about the food. It was a much safer topic.
“Why?”
“I couldn’t write about you. Not you, Josh. I wouldn’t want to.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t give you any reason to.” And when he said it, he looked totally sincere, like he actually believed it.
But I laughed because that’s what every guy would say if I asked them ahead of time. And while Josh did seem perfect as a friend, I was afraid he would eventually seem less so if we dated.
I didn’t want that to happen either.
Sobering, I said, “Look. The way I do things now, it keeps a wall up between me and the guys. No one can get close that way, which is exactly how I want it.” He opened his mouth to say something but I held up my hand. “The problem with you and me is there is no wall. We’re already close. And as much as I complain about these guys, I don’t want to fall in love with anyone. Not ever.”
One eyebrow arched on his forehead and his eyes stared into mine, then trailed down to settle on my lips. My breathing hitched as he leaned toward me, bringing his lips way too close to mine. Part of me wanted to move away while the rest of me begged to close the distance.
“Are you sure about that?” His whisper caressed my lips with warmth and I melted into it…not feeling sure in the least.
Then his lips were on mine. Softly, gently at first, stealing my breath, stealing my sense of everything else in this world save for him. My mind was gone, my body having shut it out as soon as his lips touched mine.
I was lost.
And damn but I was feeling like I never wanted to be found.
Pulsing heat grew between my thighs as he deepened the kiss and I moaned into his mouth. Tasting him, I turned my entire body toward him, slipping my legs over his, practically straddling his lap and pulling him closer.
His hands gripped the hem of my dress and pushed it up to my hips, exposing my very bare, very aching core to the night air and the energy that was swirling between us. Arching my back, I was practically begging him to touch me there…but he didn’t. His fingers skimmed the fiery skin of my thighs, going maddeningly slowly up and down, up and down, never coming close enough to where I wanted them most.
Which only made me want him with a fire in my veins that I’d never felt before.
One time. One time wouldn’t hurt. It would hardly COUNT.
My hands slid up his sculpted arms, tracing the hard muscles of his shoulders and neck until they were tangled in his messy hair. His hands left my legs and traveled up my hips, skimming my sides. Pulse racing, I could barely breathe for all the sensations flowing through my body.
All I wanted was more, more, MORE.
And that’s exactly when he stopped.
Just as suddenly as he’d started, he dropped his hands and pulled away. Breathing heavily, he said, “You’re probably right. Falling in love with someone like me would completely suck. Just think of what that would be like.”
Before I could even process what had happened, he was standing up. He paused to lean down and softly press his lips to my forehead.
“Night, Will,” he whispered against my skin. Then he turned and walked out of the room.
Leaving me a hot mess.
Horny and confused, I was at a complete loss for words for possibly the first time in my life.
fourteen
Face pressed into my yoga mat, I lay on the floor unmoving even though Harmony’s serene voice had instructed everyone to push up into Downward Dog.
At the moment I was more in the mood for Dead Dog.
“Come on, Will, it couldn’t have been that bad,” Summer whispered next to me, her voice not breathless at all even though Harmony had just taken us through a serious series of sun salutations.
“It WAS that bad. Maybe worse.” I rolled onto my back and wiped sweat-drenched hair off my forehead. “Kinda like this class. Whose idea was this anyway?”
Harmony cleared her throat and shot us a look. “One more breath, and jump your feet to your hands. Lengthen your spine, lift your head, and fold back down. Now just hang there for a few breaths.” She walked to the back of the room where Summer, Lucky, Ever, Bliss, and I were all lined up. She scowled, losing her Everything-is-Wonderful yoga teacher vibe, and hissed at us. “You guys better not be talking about Dr. Heartworm. I want to hear, too, and unlike you all, I’m working here.”
“Don’t worry, honey,” Lucky said as she smoothed back a few errant strands of hair that had come loose from her dark ponytail. “I swear we are NOT talking about The Worm.”
“Yup,” Bliss said. “We’re talking about Josh kissing Will last night.”
“WHAT?!” Harmony gasped, her voice loud and sudden in the quiet studio. Several of her students turned to look. She pointed a warning finger at us. “No more talking till after class.”
Ever flipped the end of her braid over her shoulder. “Of course we’ll wait for you. Sorry, honey.” Keeping her eyes on Harmony as she walked back up to the front and started guiding the class through the standing poses, she whispered, “So, what are you going to do, Will?”
“What do you mean what is she going to do? She’s going to jump his perfect bones.” Bliss blew her blonde bangs out of her face. “Seriously. What’s to think about?”
“It’s not that simple,” Lucky said. “Will has issues.”
“It’s not ISSUES,” I said hotly. “It’s that he’s my friend and I don’t want to lose him.”
“Why would you lose him?” Ever said. “Things worked out for me and Austin, why not for you and Josh?”
“Nothing lasts forever.” I shook my head.
“Your parents have,” Summer said.
“Mine, too,” said Bliss, “and they got married really young.”
“Mine haven’t.” Lucky spoke matter-of-factly. “But that’s not really a surprise to any of us, right? I mean, it’s not like they had true love and lost it.”
Ever nodded. “And Josh may be your True Love. Do you really want to take the chance that you might be passing him—and a lifetime of love—by?”
“Do any of you really want to take the chance that I might kick your asses if you keep talking about this without me?” Harmony had come up from behind and was glaring at us, arms crossed over her chest. We glanced around the room. Everyone was flowing through a sequence of poses while the five of us were clumped together, whispering.
“Isn’t kicking a student’s ass against the yogic oath?” Summer cocked her head to the side with a grin.
“And isn’t saying ass in class frowned upon?” Bliss gave her a hard look. “You need to watch your fucking mouth.”
Harmony tried not to smile, but her lips curved up just a bit. “Shut up.”
“Violence doesn’t seem very yogi-like either,” Ever said.
“You seem stressed, Harmony,” Lucky said, batting her eyelids innocently. “Maybe you need to meditate.”
Harmony jabbed her finger at all of us, scrunched up her face, then huffed. “Well, I’m just saying I COULD kick your collectively scrawny asses and I just MIGHT if you keep this up in the back of my class. Twenty minutes, you guys. Twenty freaking minutes and we can be discussing this over lattes TOGETHER. As per the plan.”
“I’m sorry, Harmony,” I said. “It’s my fault. I opened the can of worms, but I’ll put the lid back on until the end of class. Promise.”
Just for effect, she gave the evil eye to the other girls, then went back up to the front of the room again. Several times she looked back over her shoulder at us to make sure we really weren’t going to keep talking, but we each stood on our mats and followed along with the rest o
f her students.
Ever whispered, “Will, you never answered the question.”
No, I hadn’t. Because I didn’t know how to answer it. Was I worried that Josh was my True Love? No, because I wasn’t even sure if I believed in that.
Though, how could I not? I mean, I wrote about love, and in my books the characters were always destined to be together. They were soul mates—they believed each other to be The One.
If my characters believed it, didn’t that mean that I believed it, too? At least on some level?
I didn’t know. Because I just as easily could have been writing stories about unicorns, but that wouldn’t mean I believed they were real.
Love was real. Yes, I knew that. I saw evidence of it every day. And I especially saw it in the faces of my mom and dad, and my very best friends surrounding me. But true love? I’d thought that what Dr. Heartworm and I had was true love, but I’d been wrong. What was to stop me from falling into the same situation with some other guy? With Josh?
The thing was…my heart couldn’t take it. My faith in Love couldn’t take it. I knew Love and had a deep devotion to it, but I couldn’t trust myself to recognize the true version of it any more than I could trust myself to discern the subtleties of flavor in different kinds of wine.
Love felt like love. Wine tasted like wine. I wasn’t even sure there WAS a difference in how love felt with the wrong person versus how it felt with the right one.
Look at Lucky! She’d been engaged more times than anyone I’d ever known, and had yet to actually make it to “I do.” Clearly, she’d loved each guy enough to say yes when he popped the question, but she was no better than anyone else at being able to tell whether he was The One. She’d clearly thought they all were at some point. But was it just the fear talking each time she called it off? Or was it truly seeing that he wasn’t The One? And why the hell was she mistaking almost every guy she dated for The One?
Her heart had been broken every time even though she’d been the one to end it. And she’d picked herself up every time, dusted herself off, and fallen all over again…for someone else.
Lucky and I were polar opposites. She couldn’t say no to love, and I wouldn’t say yes.
“Will?” Ever broke into my thoughts as she threaded her arm through mine. “You ready to go?”
The class was over and everyone was rolling up their mats and heading for their shoes out in the hallway. Harmony was chatting with a student, but keeping her eyes on us as if we might mutiny again.
But I’d come to the conclusion that there really wasn’t anything to discuss. I wasn’t going to say yes to Josh, if that was even an option. Honestly, from the way he’d acted this morning, I wasn’t sure it was.
When I’d dragged myself out of bed to let the workers into my apartment, Josh had been his normal, cheerful self. Offering me coffee. Looking adorable. Acting as if he hadn’t given me the best kiss of my life last night, then left me to worry about it until about 5 A.M. when I’d finally fallen asleep.
Of course I’d made good use of the time—if you’re going to be awake all night, might as well be productive. I’d written my column, and even gotten in a few chapters of the new book I was writing, too keyed up to sleep. When I’d finally collapsed, it had been on top of the covers, my open laptop at my side. But I’d woken under a blanket, and my computer had been closed and set carefully on the coffee table.
I’d gotten up expecting to have some sort of conversation about last night, but then he’d been preternaturally NORMAL. As if nothing had happened. And for a moment I actually wondered if I’d imagined the whole thing. Had it been a dream? Had my overactive imagination taken what The Girls had said and just run with it? But as my mind went back over the details of the night, my body lit up with the memory of his touch. I could feel the ghost of his lips on mine, and I knew it had been real.
So why had he behaved like nothing was different when it felt to me like EVERYTHING was?
That was more disturbing to me than I’d expected. I was the queen of ignoring things and acting all business-as-usual, so I should have thoroughly appreciated his efforts.
But, for some reason, it had really thrown me.
Maybe he was embarrassed, I reasoned. Maybe he’d never intended to cross that line with me and didn’t know how to take it back. Maybe it hadn’t meant anything at all and he was worried about hurting my feelings, so he’d figured the best way to handle it was to simply pretend it never happened.
Or maybe he hadn’t liked it. That thought kinda killed me.
I didn’t know his reasons. All I knew was that I wanted everything to go back to the way it was before.
And maybe if we both pretended, it would.
fifteen
On Sunday night I moved back into my apartment, feeling lonelier than I had in a long time. It was quiet. No one moving in the other room. No one swearing every time he dropped a pot.
No one offering me a beer while I worked.
No one pretending he hadn’t kissed me.
No one whose lips I wanted to kiss again. And again and again…even though I shouldn’t.
No one who was going out on a date tonight with a girl who wasn’t me, a fact that was kind of killing me a little bit…even though it shouldn’t.
No one who was making it absolutely impossible for me to concentrate on writing.
So I gave the kitchen a good solid scrubbing. Then baked. Cleaned up. Then I went over my entire apartment until it gleamed—which didn’t take very long given the tiny space.
And then I started thinking about Josh again.
Clearly, I needed an intervention.
ME: Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
HARMONY: In love?! I KNEW it!
ME: NO. It’s me, WILL. Remember me? Can’t focus. Need distractions, i.e. You Girls.
HARMONY: Have you tried meditating?
LUCKY: Sounds like she needs mediCAting. Drinks?
ME: GOD YES.
EVER: I’m in. An hour?
BLISS: I’m already on a plane. No fair.
SUMMER: Me, too. Landing in LA soon.
ME: Boo. We’ll text you from the bar so you don’t miss anything. PROMISE.
EVER: The regular spot or are we trying something new?
ME: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
SUMMER: Amen to that, Sister.
HARMONY: I bet your aura needs cleansing. I’ll bring some crystals.
LUCKY: Oooohhh…Cristal. I’m ordering us a bottle. Or two.
ME: Because we’re celebrating…??
LUCKY: You FINALLY falling in love. It’s about fucking time.
EVER: Right?
ME: I did NOT. Cut it out. You’re supposed to be making this better, not worse. Even if I HAD, it wouldn’t matter—he’s on a date tonight.
BLISS: Ouch.
SUMMER: Serious medicating tonight, then. Sorry I can’t be there.
ME: It’s fine. Really. I just need… distractions.
Two hours later, I was laughing and tipsy and hadn’t thought about Josh for at least ten minutes. Which was a record for the last twenty-four hours.
“You need a Manly Distraction,” Lucky announced.
“No, she doesn’t.” Harmony crossed her arms over her chest. “What she needs is to admit she has feelings for Josh and then go act on them.”
But Lucky waved her off, tilting her glass toward the bar full of mostly eligible men looking for a last night of weekend fun before they all had to be back on the trading floor in the morning.
Ugh. A preponderance of them did have a finance look about them, which only made me think of Duke.
Which only made me think of kissing Josh.
Which only made me want to bang my head on the table because now I was thinking about him again. His lips on mine. His fingers dancing on my skin.
I shook off the image. Focus, Will. Lucky was right. I needed to find someone in the room that wouldn’t make me think of Josh. I had to get him out of
my head.
I didn’t want Josh.
No. That wasn’t entirely true.
I didn’t want to want Josh. And so I needed to find someone I did want to want. Someone I didn’t really care about.
Scanning the bar, one by one The Girls pointed out possibilities.
“French blue shirt with the yellow tie over on the right. Blond hair.” Ever nodded in his direction.
“Too pretty,” I said.
“Gray shirt, no tie. Slicked-back dark hair. Just picked up a shot and is smiling our way.” Lucky raised an eyebrow at me.
“Ew, no. Too…slimy,” I said, and shuddered. There was something about him—I don’t know what—but he looked like he was a mistake just waiting to happen.
“Not that I’m condoning this idea,” Harmony said, “because I’m NOT. But if you’re REALLY going to choose someone…what about the cute guy by the door in the brown jacket?”
“The bouncer?” Lucky scoffed. “We need someone she can go home with NOW, Harmony. Not someone who won’t get off work until two a.m.”
Harmony sniffed. “Well, he’s CUTE, not so Wall Street, and looks like he could be a nice guy. That’s all I’m saying.”
“That he does,” I said. “But I need someone who’s not on the clock right now.”
Harmony picked up her glass to take another sip and muttered, “What you need is to wake up and smell the chai.”
Ever slapped her hand on our table. “I’ve found him. Tall dude near the middle of the bar. Tan sports coat with a light green shirt.”
I was already shaking my head. “Too tall.”
Lucky and Ever turned to me. “WILL.”
Holding up my hands in surrender, I said, “Okay, okay. Not him, but I’ll try.”
I studied the men at the bar, my heart not in it, not even for the writing material. None of them were Josh—which was THE POINT, but you know how when you get someone in your head and no one else can measure up? Yeah, that. And what I really needed was someone that I could be into, not just any bozo at the bar. I mean, I needed to get Josh out of my thoughts, but I still had standards.
