She pulls her hand away from my shoulder, glancing to the side at Kiera, a warm smile unfolding onto her face. “You must be Kiera,” she says, charming and friendly and nice like there wasn’t a distinct shift in the quantity and tone of our texts since I went over to Kiera’s yesterday. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“Yeah! Hey. Nice to meet you,” Kiera says, giving her a once-over. “Blake, right? Our parents went to high school together.”
“Seems like that’s the case for just about everyone around here,” Blake says, and Kiera laughs, nodding in agreement.
“Tell me about it.”
Mr. Sanders pokes my shoulder with the pen he’s using to sign students in with. “Clark. Biset. On the bus if I’ve already checked you off.”
Kiera rolls her eyes at me when he looks away, shooting him an if-looks-could-kill glare. Mr. Sanders is her sworn enemy. He gave her a B– on an essay last year, and she still isn’t over it.
“See you on there,” Kiera says, grabbing my arm and tugging me toward the bus. I hesitate for a fraction of a second, opening my mouth to say something.
Does she want to sit with us? Will she come sit with us?
“See you,” Blake says, her eyes moving from Kiera’s to mine before she looks away. I stumble after Kiera into the small line.
“Oh my God, Em. You didn’t say she looked like that,” Kiera hisses at me while we squeeze inside.
I glance behind me to see Blake stooping to stuff her bag into the under-bus compartment. “Blake? I mean, I guess.…”
We slide into two seats halfway down the bus, Kiera beating me out for the window despite an elbow I throw to try to squeeze past her. “You guess,” Kiera says after she plops down, eyeing the front of the bus as Blake steps on, trailed by Jake. I watch as Blake laughs at something Jake says, but I’m distracted when a head appears behind them.… Matt. “You better hope Matt isn’t as googly-eyed as Jake. I mean, Jesus, Jake. Get a grip.”
And of course the second I start thinking about Blake again, Matt looks up, his eyes meeting mine and widening in surprise. The last place I would’ve been at the end of school last year was on a bus about to go on the Huckabee Lake trip.
But I’m different now. I need to show him I’m different now, so we can be different this time.
In my peripherals, I see Blake glance back to see what I’m looking at, and her smile fades ever so slightly.
“Emily?” Jake’s voice rings out, perfectly encapsulating Matt’s incredulousness. I see his head pop past Blake, then Olivia’s and Ryan’s faces appear just behind him. “Didn’t think I’d see you on the lake trip.”
I’m about to say something when Kiera jumps in, coming to my rescue as always. “Honestly surprised you see anyone, Jake, with your head so far up Blake’s ass.”
Jake snorts, but his cheeks redden slightly as he moves past us toward the back of the bus. Bantering with Jake is one of Kiera’s favorite pastimes.
Blake slides into the seat across the aisle from me while I reach out to lightly grab Matt’s arm. He turns back to look at me, his dark eyebrows rising.
“Can we talk later?” I ask, keeping my voice low.
“Uh,” he says, hesitating. I hold my breath, but I can tell from his face that something is different. “Yeah.” He nods. “Okay.”
Relief floods through me, and I let go of his arm. He gives me a small smile before heading to the back of the bus, Jake following just behind him. Olivia, though, turns to shoot me a narrow-eyed glare around Ryan as she passes by.
“He’s definitely not over you,” Kiera whispers. I turn back to face her, and she gives me a little shake of her head. “You’ll be back together by the end of this trip, for sure.”
I nod, wrapping my cardigan tightly around me as Mr. Sanders hops on to make general announcements about not being giant assholes for the duration of the ride. The entire bus of students collectively zones out.
I don’t look over, but I can feel Blake next to me, like she was that night in the truck. Just the thought of her sitting across the aisle makes my face hot. I stare at the weirdly carpeted back of the seat in front of me, trying to ignore the pounding in my chest as the bus chugs to life and we pull out of the parking lot.
I don’t even know how I can pretend to be just her friend, but I need to.
I need to pull myself away.
When we hit the highway, she leans across the aisle. “You find a four-leaf clover yet?” she asks.
I shake my head, still staring straight ahead. “No, but I need to by the end of this weekend. Right, Kiera…?”
My voice trails off as I look over to see she’s already fast asleep, her face smooshed up against the glass of the window, her mouth agape. Mr. Sanders’s words were apparently stronger than any sleeping pill known to man.
I snap a quick picture, and Blake smirks as I post it to my Instagram story. Kiera will roast me over it later, but it’s worth it.
I glance past her out the window, watching as the trees fly by, my hazy reflection staring back at me. I can see the outline of Blake’s arms and legs, and her hand reaching out to lightly touch me on the arm.
I turn my head, and she holds an earbud out to me, giving me a small smile that makes me melt just the tiniest bit. I take it, slipping it into my ear, and she scrolls to the top of a Spotify playlist, turning it to face me.
Beach ride.
It’s a whole playlist of songs, pulled from our trip to the beach.
Oh, Blake.
I tap on the first song, and it begins to play “Coffee” by Sylvan Esso.
I try to focus on Matt in the back of the bus, on figuring out what I’m going to say to him, on showing him how much I’ve changed, the promise of everything being normal and easy and right, but Blake holds my gaze, and the song sings, “Do you love me?” and I…
I don’t know what to feel.
All I can do is shove whatever this is deep down and pull my eyes away.
24
Henry Huckabee Lodge looks like it was made out of Lincoln Logs.
Everything is made out of wood. From the steps to the walls to the ceilings, this place is the definition of a fire hazard.
Because we were late additions to the trip, Blake and I are sharing a room, while Kiera is bunking with Olivia, which… should be interesting.
With the current rift in our friend group, and their opposing sides, I would hate to be a fly on the wall in that room.
I glance down the hall while Blake is opening our door to see Kiera looking back at me, the look on her face saying, Fix this. Now.
“That’s not creepy at all,” Blake mutters as the door swings wide, both of us stopping short as we come face-to-face with an enormous deer head nailed to the wall.
“Can’t wait to try to sleep tonight,” I say as I slide past her, avoiding any and all contact as I claim the twin bed by the window, the fake glass eyeballs following me across the room. I narrow my eyes, staring back at it.
We both unpack, and when Blake ducks into the bathroom, I get changed into my suit super quick. The optional afternoon kayak trip is just around the corner, and Matt will definitely be there. I’ve barely had time to pull a shirt on when the door opens and Blake emerges in a white tank top and shorts, a yellow dishwashing glove in her hand.
I straighten up, raising my eyebrows at her. “What the hell is that for?”
She nods at the tattoo on my forearm, shrugging as she holds up a roll of waterproof tape. “Gotta put this on it to keep it safe.” There’s an amused twinkle in her eyes, that mischievous grin of hers pulling at the corners of her mouth. “You know how much bacteria is in a lake?”
I shove her shoulder, rolling my eyes. How dare she quote me back to me.
I take the glove from her and slide it on, struggling to get the tape around it.
“You need help with that?” she asks, stepping closer. Reflexively, I take a step back.
“No. Thanks. I, uh…” I head for the door, trying to
put as much space between us as possible, racking my brain for an excuse. A believable lie. “I got it. I think I’m going to go meet… Kiera… before kayaking, so she can…”
My voice trails off and I hold up the glove, the entire thing flopping limply to the side as I slide out of our room like the most awkward person ever, the door clicking shut behind me.
I groan, rubbing my face. I’ve got to find Matt. And fast.
I head down the stairs and outside, past Aimee and Ashley Campbell. The pair intentionally turn their backs to me and make a huge show of whispering back and forth, in a pointed display that could only be about one thing and one thing only.
Sighing, I step out into the afternoon sun, its rays bright and warm as it shines on the winding path down to the lake, wooden signs leading the way through the trees.
I pass a few classmates as I walk, all of them giving me pointed looks while I try to focus on the sunlight filtering through the tree branches, the path just in front of me, Matt in a gray T-shirt and turquoise-blue swim shorts.
“Matt!” I call out, and he turns around to face me, Jake next to him. “Can you talk?”
He nods and smiles faintly at me, but there’s a small barrier still between us. A barrier I need to find a way to get over.
“I’ll just… go.…” Jake’s voice trails off, and he points behind him with his thumb, disappearing down the path and out of sight.
I take a deep breath, knowing I need to be honest with him. About what happened at junior prom. About this summer. About the list, preparing me for this moment. I can’t just skate past it and ignore. “Listen, I am so sorry. What I did was… really terrible.”
He swallows, his thick eyebrows furrowing, his eyes guarded.
“I think I just felt like things… didn’t feel right between us. And I think that was all on me. I didn’t feel right, and I did something really, really stupid.” I want to be on the same page. So for the first time in our entire relationship, I lay it all out on the table. “But this summer I found my mom’s bucket list from the summer before her senior year of high school, and it changed things.”
I see his face soften at the mention of my mom, and it keeps me talking.
“I’ve changed. Really changed, Matt. I spent the summer checking off all the items, and… I’m out of that little box I’ve been keeping myself in,” I say, repeating his words from that one fight we had. The thing at the core of all our problems. “And I know you haven’t seen me much, but I know you’ve noticed. I know you know I’m more like… well, like how I used to be. I’m on this lake trip. And, I mean, you caught me skinny-dipping at the Huckabee Pool. I think we both know that Emily from two months ago would have never done that.”
“Yeah, that was surprising, to say the least,” he admits, and I know I’m getting somewhere.
I take a step closer, looking up at him. “I know we’ve broken up before. I know you’ve given me a lot of chances in the past. But this time is different. I’m different.”
He takes a deep breath, looking away from me. “I don’t know, Em… I just…”
“Let me prove it to you,” I say quickly. “This weekend. Let’s just, I don’t know, hang out. Let me show you I’ve changed.”
He’s silent for a long moment, and I hold my breath, counting the seconds. Finally, I see him frown, and my insides turn to ice. “What’s with the dishwasher glove?”
Relief floods through me. I sheepishly hold up the glove in question. “I got a tattoo a few days ago, and I need to keep it covered for kayaking.” I hold out the tape to him, hope pushing me forward. “You want to help me with it?”
He nods, reaching out to take it from me. “What’d you get?”
I hold out my arm and he takes it, his fingers lightly holding my wrist.
“A sunflower,” he says. The corners of his mouth tick up into a smile as he gently pulls the glove over the tattoo and tapes it down. “Just like your mom’s garden.”
“Just like it,” I say, holding his gaze for a long moment.
He exhales and lets go of my arm, spinning the roll of waterproof tape around on his finger as he looks away. “I just… I don’t know. It was more than just that. I always felt like you were pulling yourself away from me. From us. Always finding problems and making excuses, always pushing me away when I wanted to get closer.”
“I definitely was,” I say. His eyebrows arch up in surprise at my admission. “And I’m sorry. I think it was really hard for me to be open and real with anyone the past three years. You, Kiera, my dad. Myself, even.”
He stops spinning the tape, his face thoughtful as he looks at me. Finally, he holds it out to me. “You’ll prove it to me? This weekend?”
I reach out and take it from the open palm of the boy I’m meant to be with. “Absolutely.”
* * *
Kayaking is a complete mess in the best possible way.
Sending twenty kids out, half of whom have never kayaked before, for two hours of barely chaperoned fun is bound to be.
Jake tries to kill everyone the whole time, ramming into people’s kayaks at full speed, until Blake manages to knock the paddle out of his hand, stealing it and leaving him stranded in the middle of the lake.
I want to cheer, but since I’m trying to put some distance between us, that would probably not be the best idea.
Kiera coasts to a stop next to me, grinning as she watches him try to hand paddle his way back to shore. “All right, I’ll admit it,” she says, glancing over at me. “My summer FOMO aside, Blake is… pretty great.”
I nod, my gaze meeting Blake’s just past Kiera’s head, the smile on her face making my skin burn more than the afternoon sun.
I’m afraid to put into words exactly what I think of Blake, but I know “pretty great” isn’t enough.
I swallow and look away, at Matt paddling in circles around Jake, and set off after him to help, knowing that it’ll have to be.
25
The next forty-eight hours pass in an absolute blur.
From kayaking, to unsuccessfully scavenging for a four-leaf clover, to flinging myself off a rope swing into the water, I barely stop moving. And Matt is alongside me the whole weekend, Kiera pushing us closer and closer together every time we move even a foot apart.
It’s slowly starting to feel like how things used to be.
“Do a flip!” I call to him as he soars on the rope swing.
“Race you to the dining hall?” he asks, pushing me into the water before we go laughing up the path back to Huckabee Lodge.
And slowly but surely, the rest of the group begins to find a new rhythm, even with Olivia and half the students glaring at me during mealtimes and activities and in the taxidermy-filled Henry Huckabee Lodge hallway.
I try to keep a distance from Blake and our shared room, but she always finds her way into whatever we’re doing, even though she’s already made friends with just about everyone else in our grade too.
It’s a welcome relief when I find myself peacefully floating atop a donut-shaped pool float on Huckabee Lake, my legs still sore from a hike Kiera led us on before lunch.
I raise my head, flipping my sunglasses up and squinting against the bright afternoon sun at the glittering water, the circle of trees around the perimeter, and Henry Huckabee Lodge peeking through the branches. I scan the throngs of students, taking a quick inventory. Kiera is a few feet away from me in an oversize inner tube, Blake is lounging on the dock with a sketchbook, and Matt, Jake, and Ryan have convinced half the boys on the trip to launch themselves off said dock in a very intense belly-flop competition. I can see their fire-engine-red arms and legs from here.
I grimace, watching as Jake slaps the water flat as a pancake, my skin burning as the boys cheer like he just scored a game-winning touchdown.
I slide my sunglasses back on and go to shift farther up in my donut float, but the plastic screeches noisily and as it wobbles past vertical, it tips sharply.
“Shit!” I squeak out as
I flip backward off it into the lake, my mouth and nose filling with bacteria-ridden water as I claw my way back to the surface, pushing through the murkiness.
Coughing, I’m about to chalk this up to a bit of bad luck when I feel something lightly tap my shoulder.
Looking over, I see a red lifeguard float sitting atop the water, Matt at the other end of it, a playful grin I haven’t seen since before junior prom plastered on his face.
“Looked like you needed rescuing,” he says.
I push my hair out of my face, glaring as I toss the float back at him. “Rescue yourself, Matt!”
He laughs, and I splash him square in the face, but his hands reach out to grab mine, stopping me from splashing again as he takes a step closer to me. His normally unkempt hair is slicked back with lake water, his shoulders and chest red from belly flopping.
Despite myself, I think of Blake in Huckabee Pool, my breath hitching as she took that step closer to me. How different that moment felt compared to this one. How much… more.
Almost instinctively, I pull my hands out of Matt’s, but I know even before I see his face fall that it’s the wrong move.
Stay on course, Emily.
I look back up at him, giving me a small smile as I hold up my freshly tattooed arm, the dishwashing glove lost somewhere in my tumble. “I need to go disinfect this,” I say, offering an explanation as I grab my donut float and turn back toward the dock. “And you need to go lose your belly-flop competition.”
He grabs my arm, stopping me. “You going to the bonfire tonight?” he asks.
The Midnight Bonfire. It’s a Huckabee Lake trip tradition. One that’s gone on since the very first trip a bajillion years ago. The teachers turn a blind eye for the night, and all the students sneak out, heading to the lake for a bonfire and some after-hours fun.
I nod and he smiles, letting go of my arm. “Good,” he says, pushing off onto his back. “I’ll see you tonight.”
I look just past him to Kiera in her inner tube. She shoots me two thumbs-up, a huge grin plastered on her face. “See you tonight,” I echo.
The Lucky List Page 18
