"Are you up to the task?"
"It's a tough job but I'm more than happy to do it."
After leading her to the en suite bath and pulling her under the warm water with him he proceeded to kiss, touch, and tease her until the day fell away and there was nothing but the feel of each other in their arms.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Griffen reached across the bed but when his hand found cool, smooth sheets instead of a warm, sexy woman, he reluctantly opened his eyes.
He looked across the room and caught sight of Althea, wrapped in a light robe, her arms gripping her waist as she stared out the window, her eyes dark and distant. The room was dark but the contours of her forlorn face were occasionally illuminated by flashes of faraway lightning.
The rain was still coming down in violent sheets outside, sliding down the window in front of her as it beat onto the rivers nestled beneath the rock face on which her home perched. It was as though the sky was listening to the sadness in her heart, crying for her and he couldn't help but feel like he was intruding on their intimate conversation.
He walked over to her, running his fingers through his hair. She looked back at him with glassy eyes.
"Gorgeous? What's wrong?"
"I just couldn't sleep. Sorry I woke you."
She looked back out the window. He stood beside her, waiting for her to share whatever was going on in her head with him. It felt like years before she opened her mouth again.
"I love that I can see all three rivers from here. Jack and I had the coolest condo in Lawrenceville. Loads of bars, restaurants, artists — it was so cool — but I could only see the Allegheny River from there. This is better."
"Why'd you move?" Griffen asked cautiously. He could sense her mood was dark and he wanted to be careful, like he was approaching a spooked horse that may rear back and run off at any moment.
She turned to him slowly. "Carol wanted me to move here — closer to her — as soon as we found out about the baby. I fought it for a while. I couldn't leave the house at all for weeks, selling it seemed even crazier. Then it was robbed one night while I was at school. The whole place was ruined, ransacked. Not much was taken, thank God, but after that, well, I didn't fight Carol anymore. I just gave in — gave up — and moved. But I like it here. I like this view."
"Is that what you were thinking about just now? Is that why you woke up?"
"No." She looked away again, "I, uh, had a bad dream."
Griffen touched her cheek and found his fingers came back wet. "Why are you crying? What was your nightmare about?"
"Same basic one I've had since Jack died."
"Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked softly.
Her eyes moved over his face slowly, as if she was trying to make a decision about something. She finally looked deeply into his eyes for a moment and then turned back to stare at the rivers again before she answered.
"I dream that Jack is alive. Sometimes I'm big and pregnant and he's so proud and happy. He touches my belly and we talk about baby names. Sometimes I'm telling him I'm pregnant. We cheer as we look at the test strip. Sometimes I'm holding baby Johnny. Sometimes Jack's walking Johnny and me home from a youth football game. We both hold one of Johnny's hands and swing him back and forth between us as we all laugh. We are so happy.
"But when I let go of Johnny and reach out to touch Jack's hand it falls apart in mine and turns to dust. He just...disintegrates right there. Sometimes it's more gruesome. He's waterlogged from the river, with drug hazed eyes, reaching for me. He starts to bleed, out of his eyes, his mouth, everywhere. I try to grab for him but only come back with blood and bone. Then his flesh falls away.
"The dream may be different, but the end is always the same. In the end, everything is gone. Jack is gone. Our home is gone. Our baby is gone. It's just me, in the dark, with an aching heart and empty hands. I wake up clutching the sheet, panting, looking around. It's ridiculous. Like I'm in an eighties TV show, or something."
Griffen swallowed around the tightness in his throat. Her voice was eerily smooth but tears streamed down her lovely face like the rivers from which she couldn't seem to look away.
"Do they happen often?" he managed to choke out.
"Used to be I had them all the time, every few days." She looked at him and smiled faintly. "There is a bright side. It makes me productive. I get a lot of client work done at two-thirty in the morning."
"You said used to. Have they slowed down?"
"This is the first one I've had in almost two weeks."
"Oh," Griffen said, pausing to let the significance of that to sink in. "I'm so sorry baby," he whispered as he kissed the tears across her cheeks.
Althea sighed and touched his cheek gently. "Don't be sorry, Griffen, it's not your fault. I don't want to think about whose fault it is. It just is."
But Griffen did feel like it was his fault that Jack was gone, leaving her here alone, and all he wanted to do was make her pain go away — if she would only let him try.
Griffen stroked her cheek and Althea thought how truly sorry she was to have woken him, especially because what she didn't tell him was that tonight it wasn't Jack's face that turned to dust and disappeared. It was his.
"Althea..." Griffen whispered.
"Shh. No," she said softly as she reached up and caressed his face gently in return. "Will you just...will you please make love to me, Griffen?"
"Anytime, gorgeous."
But it won't be anytime anymore, Althea thought. He will turn to dust and I will be all alone. Again.
And she knew it had to be that way, because this emptiness in her heart was the penance she would always have to pay for failing Jack.
Griffen led her to the bed and they made love. It was the most tender and gentle experience of their time together. Griffen touched her everywhere, stroked her hair, kissed her face and soothed away each tear. He ran his lips down her chest and she gasped as he sucked her nipple into his mouth reverently. He somehow managed to put on a condom despite touching every part of her constantly and slid gently inside of her. She was grateful because she didn't want any lead-in this time. She just needed him inside her, while her hands were full of his hair and his warm, giving flesh. She moaned and lifted his head from her breast to look at him.
"Baby," he said, kissing her eyelids and finally claiming her mouth. She wrapped her legs around his, even curling her feet around his calves, desperately trying to make every inch of her body touch his.
She was so preoccupied with how full and complete she felt that her climax surprised her. This had not been about an orgasm, it was about closeness and human contact. Running off the demons of loss and fear, if only for a moment.
But Griffen didn't know how to leave her unsatisfied. He couldn't touch her without making her body go off like a sparkler in the backyard on the fourth of July, and even now, with his gentle lovemaking, it was no different. He groaned in her ear and came right along with her, spurring more spasms and electric shocks through her body.
"Oh Griffen, yes, Griffen," she responded.
He leaned up and looked into her eyes, brushing her hair back from her face. His face looked so tormented.
"Oh Althea," he said sadly over and over again, almost like a prayer, until he rolled over and held her until she finally fell into a blessedly dreamless sleep.
Althea was sleeping deeply but Griffen felt totally wired. He stared up at her antique tin ceiling, trying to calm himself as every raw emotion of the day and night coursed through him with electric pulsing energy. He counted each square border, his mind repeatedly returning to the recognition that he needed Althea in his life.
He wanted to be the one to comfort her and hold her, but every time he made a move she shot him down, whether it was keeping them secret or refusing to let them go beyond this arbitrary two-week mark. He'd simply accepted it so far, but now, after having seen her haunted eyes after her dream, he felt even more desperate fo
r something more.
There was no chance of getting back to sleep, so he simply rolled over and watched the gentle rise and fall of Althea's chest for hours, holding her against him in the nook of his arm. Her soft hair fell along her face grazing him enough to feel her presence with every gentle breath. He looked down at her face, marveling at how the colors of the night brightened into morning across her golden skin and honey hair.
Griffen felt like he'd been careening down a mountain since he'd met her. She had complete control and he felt no desire to take it back. This time with her was the best he could remember in his life, he would be a fool to let that go, especially when she so clearly needed someone — could he hope that someone could be him?
What an asshole he'd been all these years. Fixating on his own grief and guilt, knocking around the world, spending money and having meaningless affairs to hide his pain while this beautiful woman struggled to make a life by herself — with a kid. A great kid that Griffen wanted to be around as much as with her.
He couldn't take her to New York, but nothing was preventing him from staying in Pittsburgh. It's not like there was anything waiting for him there except for an empty apartment, he didn't even have a dog or cat. What was he going back to? Not his writing. His inspiration was here. All he had in New York was loneliness and empty sex — and he couldn't even think of touching another woman right now.
How had I thought I could swoop in and make this woman happy then disappear? How could I have thought I wouldn't completely fall for her?
Sick cold dread passed through him at the thought of leaving and all he kept reminding himself was that he didn't have to, that he could offer up whatever he could give to this perfect woman.
She could throw his offer back in his face and tell him again how she wasn't ready, but maybe he could make her see that there was no shame in letting them be something real. Maybe she would take another chance on him and let this be the start of something amazing.
Griffen picked up his phone and started to write an email to Professor Stevens.
Althea opened her eyes to see Griffen staring at her. She smiled up at him, enjoying the feeling of waking up in his arms. Even though she'd woken this way every morning since they made their arrangement, it still left her reeling with pleasure at the sensation.
"Good morning," he said tightly.
"Good morning, stud," she said and curled into him closer, only to still when she saw how tortured his face looked. "Hey, you okay?" She suddenly felt awkward, remembering her nightmare. She hoped it wasn't still lurking like a shadow over their last uncertain days together, but the way he was looking at her so intently made that appear unlikely. She sighed and looked more deeply into his eyes as she stroked his cheek. "Spill it, Griffen. What's going on?"
"I want to stay."
"Today? I have a client meeting this afternoon, I could maybe get coffee, but that's it. I'm sorry."
"That's not what I mean. I contacted Professor Stevens. He still needs someone to fill in, maybe for the whole rest of the semester. I can keep teaching and spending time with you and Johnny."
"I don't understand."
"I want to stay here in Pittsburgh...and be with you."
"What? Griffen, what brought this on? We talked about not making this more than it is."
He gripped her tightly. "No, you talked about that. I just didn't tell you how wrong I think you are."
Her heart sped up and she suddenly felt her lungs clench, like a caged animal she started looking for an escape from the bed. Griffen turned her head to make her face him. She tilted up her chin with more confidence than she felt. "Is this because of last night and my dream? If that's what's going on you can stop it. I don't want you feeling sorry for me."
"No, I could never feel sorry for you. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't kick my ass to see you in pain."
She clutched at the sheet, feeling so exposed all of a sudden. "You don't need to come here and swoop in to rescue the poor lonely widow."
"Come on, stop that bullshit right now." Her eyes widened at his hard words, but he kissed her forehead to soften the blow. "You give me too much credit, gorgeous. I actually happen to like you, a lot. Whether it's in bed, out of bed, dreaming or awake. And during each of those times I could never pity you."
"So it's not about last night?" she asked skeptically.
"All right. Yes, you worried me and I wanted to help you but I would never stay just for that. I'm way too self-absorbed for that," he said with a wicked half smile.
"So you're absorbed in me then, huh?"
"Well, right now I'm not absorbed in you the way I'd like to be," he said stroking her thigh.
"There you go, not being serious again."
"Oh, I'm serious as a heart attack, gorgeous. In fact, I feel like I'm turning inside out right now waiting for your answer."
"What are you suggesting, really?"
"I want to stay here in Pittsburgh with you. I want you give us a shot."
"You know I can't let you do that."
"I know you think you aren't ready. But I think you're capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for. I want to be here for you...to be with you." He swallowed and stared at a spot over her head as he breathed slowly. A moment later he was calmly looking back in her eyes, searching for something from her. "Honestly, I've been thinking about us trying to be something real for a while, even before last night when I came over to the restaurant..."
"And acted like a crazy person?" she teased and was relieved to hear him chuckle.
"Yeah, like a crazy person." He smiled and started to cup one breast, rubbing a rough thumb over her nipple. She let out an embarrassing moan as a now familiar wave of desire swept through her and her nipple puckered in response.
"No fair," she said though she couldn't help but push into his touch. He always seemed able to make her act like a cat in heat and it really interfered with her decision-making skills.
"Seems fair to me," he said nipping her earlobe with his teeth and whispering, "I'm totally lucid right now and I think this is a great idea."
Althea started to feel that tightness in her chest again.
He wants a real future together?
The thought of how deeply her feelings could grow for him terrified her.
"I'm already too attached to you as it is. Johnny, too. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I should've held back more."
"What's wrong with being attached to me?"
"Nothing's changed for me."
"Only because you won't let it. Look. I know I'm not good enough for you right now but I'm asking for a chance to try to be."
"Don't keep saying crap like that, Griffen. I think you're great. It's just...it's just been me and Johnny and this grief for so long...I don't know any other way. Caring about someone again? It still feels so wrong."
"What if we compromise? What if you give me a couple more months? Till the end of the semester? I can write anywhere."
"I thought you said you hated it here."
"I know, but I've spent so long hating this place and all...all the bad memories it represents for me, but seeing it with you again — being a part of something with you and Johnny here — it has already made so many new great memories for me. It makes me think I can move on, too."
"I'm just not sure. I mean the whole point of this was that it wouldn't push me too much."
"I don't want to push you, but I refuse to let you just push me away."
"Griffen," she whispered, "wasn't it supposed to be just, um, physical?"
"I think we both know we've shared more than just that by now." He stroked her shoulder and it felt so good to her, but the panic wouldn't subside.
"You're asking me to take a lot of leaps and risks that I just don't think I'm ready for. I mean what about all your other women? Like that Vicky person? You said no strings when this all started, and you clearly have entertainment waiting for you when you ge
t back. I mean, you probably have a few other 'plant waterers' scattered here and there."
"Of course I wouldn't mess with other women if we were together. Yes, that was how I lived my life before. Before I met you I never wanted anything real with anyone. You changed that and you know it. I think you're just looking for excuses to say no."
"No, I'm making sense and your lifestyle just makes me that much more uncomfortable with what you're asking of me."
"All I'm asking for is a chance. I've lived this way because I never had any reason not to. You are all that I want. Trust me. Please."
She looked away. "Honestly? I'm scared Griffen," she said so quietly, she didn't know how he could hear her. "I know I've pushed people away, but I don't know any other way anymore."
"Look," he said, turning her face back to his, "If you knew back when you were nineteen and met Jack that it would end the way it did, that he would die, that you would be heartbroken, would you change anything? Would you transfer out of the nineteenth century lit class you had with him?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I wouldn't give up those memories, the joy, the growth, the love. It's all part of what defines me."
"So why won't you take a chance on us? On me? That maybe I can give you some more good memories, keep on giving you joy."
"I just don't know."
"If not for me, what about Johnny? I'm crazy about him. I want to be in his life — to share in that piece of Jack. I lost Jack, too."
"You may have lost a friend, but I lost everything!"
They'd been whispering to keep from waking Johnny, but she could feel herself getting out of control. She breathed in and out slowly.
Griffen reached across and pulled her to him. He tilted her chin up and looked straight in her eyes. "You didn't die that night, Althea."
"Didn't I? A piece of me did. The piece that didn't live every day with guilt. The piece that could take chances. The piece that wasn't terrified of fucking everything up all over again." She looked away but she could tell he wouldn't let her break their physical connection. He stroked her hair and rested her cheek on his chest. "You can't understand, Griffen," she whispered softly against his broad chest, his warmth and strength bringing her comfort even then.
Three Rivers (A Gateway to Love Novel) Page 23
