by Mia Sheridan
I want to punch something, to throw something and hear it shatter, to make the sound that should accompany the feeling in my chest.
When I calm down, I sit staring at the wall for several minutes, gathering myself before I pull out the second letter, obviously written recently, in his adult hand.
To my Evie, the one who knew how to love me before I knew how to love myself,
I already told you about how I laid in that hospital bed for six months, reflecting on my life, reflecting on all the reasons that I couldn't stand to be alone with myself long enough to really think about who I was or what I was feeling.
What I didn't tell you was what a central role you played in helping me move towards a place of healing. My Evie, the strongest, purest person I've ever known. A person who was placed in the worst of circumstances in this life and yet selflessly loved and cared for those around her. How was it that someone so full of goodness and light ever even noticed a person like me? How did you see in me - what I was struggling so hard to see in myself?
I kept wondering why, all those years, when you looked straight into my eyes, unflinching, seeing the real me, what made you linger and come back? What made you love me despite who I believed myself to be? I thought about that hour after hour and the only conclusion I could come to was that maybe, just maybe, there was something decent in me, maybe something that was close to good. It was the first time I had ever had that thought and it stunned me just to ponder the possibility.
All those months, staring at the ceiling and staring into my own soul, you, Evie, you were the miracle that I kept coming back to again and again - that all those years ago, you chose me.
Please, please, choose me again.
I will spend my life trying to make myself a person who is worthy of you. I will work until my dying day to give you the beautiful life a beautiful person like you deserves. I will prove to you that forever is not just a word, not just a measurement of unending time, but that forever is a place where I will treasure your heart.
Yours always, Leo
Tears streak down my cheeks as I clutch the two letters to my chest. I sit like that for long minutes, making a decision.
I take a quick shower and pull on jeans and a turquoise peasant top and my brown boots.
I decide to call a cab. I finish putting on some makeup, partially dry my hair and smooth it back into a low ponytail.
When the cab rings my cell phone, I run out and jump in quickly.
I look up the address of Leo's company and give that to the driver. I lean back as the city goes by, my heart beating peacefully in my chest. I feel sure and calm. I feel like all the pieces have fallen into place. I feel like this was always my path, and now I'm finally back on it.
I walk into the huge lobby of the mostly glass building. As I'm walking towards the deskman, I spot an all glass elevator starting its ascent. I see an unmistakable pair of broad shoulders among the group riding the elevator but his back is to me. I rush towards it, looking up at it and catch the eye of a tall, dark haired man who smiles at me. I start waving my hands and pointing at Leo and the man finally understands, tapping him on the shoulder and gesturing out to me. He turns around as if in slow motion and I will never, ever forget his expression, not until my dying day. He is confused at first but as he sees me smiling up at him, I mouth, "I choose you," and understanding dawns and a look of raw emotion like I've never seen fills his beautiful face.
He starts pushing through the people to the front of the elevator and it stops suddenly at the next floor.
Then he’s running towards the escalator nearest him, even though it’s going in the wrong direction.
I run towards it as he starts parting the crowd, leaping down three and four stairs at a time to the yells and disgruntled sounds of the people trying to go upwards.
He doesn't care though. His focus is singularly directed at me as he finally leaps over the railing close enough to the bottom not to hurt himself.
We rush into each other's arms, him spinning me around, his face pressed into my hair as I laugh and cry and continue to chant, "I choose you, I choose you, Leo. Always."
We suddenly realize that people are stopped around us clapping and whistling and he grins at me, his face beaming with love and happiness.
"I love you, Evie," he says, his face sobering.
"I love you, Leo, my loyal lion."
"You still believe that, after everything?" His eyes are wide, looking deeply into mine.
I nod, "Even more. You found the courage to jump through fire for me. You found yourself on the other side, didn't you?"
He looks at me for long moments, "I guess I did. But you were the one holding the ring."
"That's the easy part, my beautiful boy. Believing in you is effortless. It always was."
He continues looking at me, that fire that I love entering his deep brown eyes. Then he grins. "I'm going to take you back to my den and maul you now."
I grin. "Yes, please."
And we walk out the door, hand in hand, into our forever.
EPILOGUE
Seven years later…
I stand on the balcony of our home watching my wife play in the pool below with our boys, Seth, six, and Cole, four.
As always, the sight of my wife in a bikini has my attention, first and foremost.
But then I laugh quietly as my youngest tries to dunk his older brother in a stealth attack.
I walk back into our bedroom, pulling on my swim trunks. I smile as I glance at the laptop, open on Evie's writing desk. Her first book is almost done and maybe I'm biased, but I think it's brilliant. She says she doesn't care whether it's a hit or not, the success for her is in writing it at all, in stepping out of another safety zone.
The empty cup sitting to the side of her computer says, World's Greatest Mom. She bought it for herself.
I step out onto our patio and my boys shout, "Daddy!" in unison as I run and cannonball into the pool, drawing a shriek from Evie as my splash drenches her. She jumps in too, wrapping her arms around my neck and we're both laughing and kissing as our boys shout, "Ewww!" from the other side of the pool.
Our first born, Seth, is the spitting image of me and yet has the gentle, steady spirit of his mother. He is easy to smile and the first to lay a hand on your shoulder if you've had a rough day. He finds the beauty in everything.
We hadn't waited long to have him. We were young but our forever was something that we were eager to begin. Time had taken enough from us.
The day in the hospital when he was handed to me, I looked into his eyes, still shaky and on an emotional high from watching my wife fearlessly bring him into the world, and I saw a depth there that didn't seem to belong to a newborn boy. He didn't cry, but gazed steadily at me as if he saw right into my heart. And his eyes seemed to tell me that, like his mother, he was satisfied with what he saw. I promised him that I would never take that for granted.
His brother, our Cole, looks just like Evie, with dark hair and large, dark eyes and a smile that lights up any room. He came screaming into the world and hasn't stopped making noise since. I smile. He is my rambunctious cub, always pouncing and laughing, full of energy and life. Fiercely loyal and passionate. My wife tells me she sees me in him and I can only look confused when she says it. But she always did see the best in me. Maybe he's who I would have been if I had been given the same start in life. More often than not, she has me convinced that there is something to her theory. Because that's who she is. It's her gift.
Everyone tells a story about themselves in their own head. That story makes you what you are, dictating all your actions and all your mistakes. If your own story is filled with guilt and fear and self-hatred, life can look pretty miserable.
But, if you're very lucky, you might have a person who tells you a better story, one that takes up residence in your soul, speaking louder than the woeful tale you've convinced yourself of. If you let it speak loudly within your heart, it becomes your passion and your purp
ose. And this is a good thing, the best of things. Because it is the very definition of love, nothing less.
Many years ago, Evie asked me about my tattoo and I told her that I had gotten it on her 18th birthday, the day we were supposed to start our life together.
I had spent months designing it with a tattoo artist using the only photo I had of my Evie, a polaroid she had given me when she was 13. On that morning, I stepped into the shop and didn't step out until it was well after dark.
Then I had gone home and drank myself into a stupor, trying desperately to shut out the pain and the emptiness.
She traced every element of it silently and finally her first question was why the master of ceremonies was cloaked in shadow. I had turned towards her and looked into her deep brown eyes and told her that it was because at the time, I hadn't known whether, he, the one who orchestrates it all, is kind or whether he is cruel.
Some days I'm still not completely sure. But other days, I look across at my wife's beautiful face gazing at me with eyes full of love, or I watch my sons wrestling together on our floor, filling our house with laughter, and I think that he must be kind.
All the world's a circus. Sometimes you choose your act and sometimes it's assigned to you. I had roamed the arena for far too long, roaring and bellowing, believing that I wasn't brave enough to leap through fire. But all along, she had stood there, constant and calm. "I can't make the fire go away," she had seemed to say, "I can't guarantee you won't get burned. But I can hold this hoop for you, I can remain steady and strong, because I believe in you. Because you are mine."
And in the end, I had jumped. And the other side was just as glorious as her eyes had promised.
Acknowledgement
A very special thank you to my girls, my editors and my own personal cheering section! Your encouragement was invaluable to me. I never would have had the courage to hit publish without you. From Croatia to California, you rock the house down!
About the Author
Mia Sheridan lives in Cincinnati, Ohio with her husband who is a police officer and her biggest fan (not necessarily in that order). They have four children here on earth and one in heaven. When she isn’t writing or reading romance novels, she enjoys anything creative from building a patio, to sewing pillows. Leo is her debut novel. Mia can be found online at www.MiaSheridan.com.
