She pinched her lips. “It wasn’t bad.”
I threw my head back, and we collapsed into giggles. “That’s okay. It’ll get better. But you felt … good?” That was such an awkward question to ask your sister.
“Yeah, it was nice.” She threw a mocking gaze heavenwards.
I nodded. “Okay, maybe I’ll gift you a vibrator—with instructions.”
“Phoenix?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you like watching porn?”
“I’m not a fan. They don’t do it for me.”
She bit her lips and considered her next question. “So how do you get in the mood?”
I made a point to look at her. “Books.”
“Wow, you’ve been keeping things from me.”
Chuckling, I admitted, “I’d have shared the knowledge had I known earlier.”
“I want those books too,” she said, her expression serious.
I rolled my eyes. “Remind me.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged.
“How do guys carry such a big … you know … penis in their pants?”
I didn’t think my eyes could open any wider. Was it international penis day today? Or something similar that I wasn’t aware of? “You see … it’s not actually that big.” Wrong answer. “But it sort of grows longer when he gets aroused ...”
“You mean like Pinocchio’s nose?”
“What?”
“You know like Pinocchio’s nose gets longer when he lies, a guy’s penis gets longer the more he’s aroused.”
“Where do these thoughts pop into your mind, Madison? A dick is a dick. And Pinocchio’s nose is the poor guy’s nose. Never compare them. You’ll scare the kids.”
She rolled her eyes and lifted her index finger. “One last question. Is there a limit to how long it gets?”
“Yes.”
“But how will the guy know?”
“You said that it was the last question.”
“Yeah, I did, but I’m curious, and I have so many questions.”
“I have no idea because I don’t happen to have a dick, but we’ll Google it, okay?” Madison nodded, and I breathed out. After a while, she hummed and asked, “So what do you think of people who like porn?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. Some people like it, some love it, and some don’t.”
Madison contemplated in silence. After a few minutes, while I took a bite of my toast, she admitted, “I think I like watching porn.”
The toast felt dry as it slid down my throat, and I took an extra gulp of milk, to help it move. “I’m gifting you earphones along with that vibrator.”
I made sure to get her links to all the best porn sites, and I got her that vibrator and earphones—what can I say? I’m the world’s worst sister. Did I say worst? I meant best.
Best sister.
KAI
Present
“You both suck horse shit,” Madison grumbles, eliciting laughter from both of us.
Emmanuel lays a kiss on Madison’s neck, and her lips twitch while mine curve downwards. My heart constricts looking at them. I can’t help this reaction.
“I know you love porn, honey, but it’s always nice to know where it all started,” Emmanuel jokes and Madison elbows him. Seeing them like this spreads a bittersweet smile on my face.
“Phoenix is definitely the best and worse sister out there. She got me that vibrator, and ever since, I’ve been ecstatic,” she admits shamelessly.
“What? It’s not me making you happy?” Emmanuel fakes a sad face.
Madison laughs. “You are, sweetie. But Thor is the one who makes me roam the galaxy and see those stars.”
“How many?” Emmanuel asks.
Madison raises her brows and gloats, “Twelve.”
“Fuck!” Emmanuel and I shout together.
Taking Emmanuel’s hand in mine, I give it a firm shake. “Good luck breaking that record, man.”
Emmanuel looks at Madison and warns, “Get yourself ready, baby. I’m coming for you.”
Madison rolls her eyes and drawls, “Let’s have sex first. Then, you can come.”
CHAPTER 10
KAI
Friday night we’re back at the club. I’m sipping my whiskey when my gaze falls on Brian shoving his tongue down a girl’s throat. Brian and Virginia are on their normal, temporary breakup where they’ll get back together and have wild monkey sex afterward. This is their thing.
“Hello,” a sexy voice drawls.
My male instinct makes me turn so I can have a look at the owner. My eyes sweep over the smokey eyes to the bright red lipstick and the sexy-as-sin curves of her body. She radiates confidence. This is what I call a woman.
“Hi,” I greet, raising my glass in appreciation.
“I’m Tyra, and you must be the Kai.”
The Kai? “That’s right,” I say, and she pulls back her hand—more like she slithers back her hand. With a gracious hand gesture, she waves for the bartender to get her a drink. White wine—I should’ve guessed.
“So”—she turns toward me—“why’s a handsome man like you alone in this crowded place?”
Self-confidence and grace—a dangerous combination. This woman must have been observing me for some time to notice that I’m here alone. Self-confidence, grace, and intelligence—she’s fatal. Which, for some reason, pulls me toward her.
“Maybe because this one wants to be alone,” I answer.
She throws her head back, almost in slow motion, and then brings her hand to her neck. She lets out a melodious chuckle. “Oh, Kai, Kai, no one joins a crowd wanting to be alone,” she says, accepting her drink from the bartender.
I give her my best smile and say, “But it’s the best place to get lost because no one notices that you’re alone.” I take another sip of the whiskey, letting it burn my throat. It feels good talking to a woman after such a long time.
Since Phoenix’s accident, I’ve been to clubs, and I’ve talked to many women, but the conversations have always been short. I didn’t want to give them the wrong impression that I’m available. But Tyra is luring me like the mermaid’s siren.
She plays with the rim of her glass and smiles. I catch a tint of sadness, but when her eyes meet mine, it vanishes. “That’s true. But I spotted you,” she brags, taking a sip of that wine.
“Only a lonely person recognizes another in the crowd.”
Her eyes widen, but she blinks quickly, masking her reaction. “Touché.” Her eyes brighten, and she gnaws her lips, making me want to touch those lips with mine, imagining how they’d feel. “Two lonely people together are no longer lonely,” she says, placing a hand on my arm.
The timbre of her voice is strangely relaxing, and I nod. It’s my fourth glass, and I think the whiskey is getting to me. My body moves toward her on its own, and my hand curves around her waist. Tyra is curvy which my hands like. Something nostalgic hits me, but I ignore it. She opens her lips and closes her eyes, and I feel myself leaning down, drawn to her.
Just one taste.
My lips touch hers. She’s soft. Her lower lip is a little plumper than Phoenix’s. I shouldn’t be kissing Tyra, but she feels so good. The kiss isn’t awkward. We move in perfect sync. Tyra grabs my biceps as she deepens the kiss, not what Phoenix would’ve done. She would’ve wound her arms around my neck, with one hand messing up my hair. The kiss is perfect, except it’s not.
She’s not Phoenix.
I stop and pull back with eyes wide open. Tyra’s eyes are still closed, but she’s sporting a sad smile. The tips of my ears heat as I ponder over what I just did. I kissed a woman—a woman who’s not Phoenix. Is that cheating? Is it?
I try to step back, but I can’t move. Tyra finally opens her eyes, and I see sadness and pain there—it’s like I’m looking into my own eyes, they share the same emotions. “Oh, Kai, you’re in love.” She chuckles, the sound rippling through her throat, calming my nerves down. I’m definitely drunk.
“I’m sorry … this shouldn’t have happened.” I take a step back, and this time, my feet move, but Tyra grabs my arm and stops me.
“Wait.” She pulls me back. “It’s okay. We’re both a little tipsy.” She shrugs.
I nod, not trusting myself to do more than that.
“A girlfriend?”
I nod again, eyeing my whiskey like it’s my worst enemy.
“Breakup?”
My eyes squeeze shut, and I shake my head.
“Then?” Her voice is so soft it could lull me to sleep. This woman would be a damn good hypnotizer. But I’m lonely, and I feel like talking to someone I don’t know—a complete stranger who I’ll never meet again. I just need to get things out.
Opening my eyes, I take a deep breath and confess, “She’s in a coma.”
Tyra inhales sharply but stays quiet. I don’t look at her because I can’t handle seeing what I know her eyes are showing me. A minute later, Tyra pulls me closer and wraps her arms around me. My body stiffens at the contact, but her hug is so affectionate that my muscles relax and I hug her back. She rubs my back, and we stay in this position for a moment too long to call it a hug.
When we unglue our bodies, I look at her and silently ask, “What the hell was that?”
She smiles this time, not hiding her sadness. “My Benny … he had a brain tumor and died two years ago.” Her eyes well up as she says those words, and my heart constricts, hearing the pain in her voice. “I really hope she’ll wake up, Kai.” Tyra squeezes my hand. “Because I know what it feels like when they don’t wake up. And I don’t … I don’t wish that for you.”
Tyra touches my cheek, drops a kiss there, and leaves.
CHAPTER 11
KAI
Guitar and bag in hand, I open the door and greet Phoenix.
“Hi, babes.” Placing the guitar next to the bed, I sit down on the chair and remove my phone. “I’ve got a message for you,” I say, scrolling through my apps. “Adam and Eric might not be able to come this week. They went to visit Adam’s uncle—he’s battling cancer. So they sent their apologies for not being able to come but left this for you.” I press the play button, and Adam and Eric deliver their message.
“Hey, sweet girl,” Eric greets.
“Hi, sweetie,” Adam says. “We’re so sorry for not coming to see you this week, but we promise we’ll make it up to you next week. As for me, I’m doing well, except for my head, which is shedding more hair every day. I guess it wants to be naked.”
Eric chuckles. “We need to make this talk quick. Just remember, we all miss and love you. Come home soon, sweetie.”
The voice message ends. I close the app and place the phone on the nearby table. “Just want to add that Adam’s not lying about the hair. He’s getting balder by the day. You should see how he reacts when he sees a mirror.” I snort as a thread of guilt slither along my spine.
“I was at the club yesterday … feeling a little drained after a busy day. And I met this woman, Tyra.” Even pronouncing her name right now makes me feel the intoxication I felt yesterday. “We talked a little, and then we kissed.” I look down at Phoenix—her eyes are still closed, her breathing normal, unchanged. I exhale, massaging the back of my neck. “It didn’t mean anything, of course, but I think you needed to know.” I have always told Phoenix about every girl that I’ve met or kissed, and each time I feel equally guilty.
“One more thing, I’ll be on tour next week, so I won’t be able to come, but I promise I’ll make it up to you the following week.” My fingers play with the hair curled on her forehead before I remove the diary from the bag and get on the bed next to her. “Something from your diary now?” Flipping open the diary, I read, “Asshole as shit!”
My fingers brush Phoenix’s hair. “I hated that day. I have no idea why you’d want to save a bad memory like this. Aren’t diaries supposed to be for the memories we want to cherish?” I exhale. “Guess you can explain this to me when you wake up.”
ASSHOLE AS SHIT
PHOENIX, 17 years old
15 May 2014
“Meet me at the cafeteria for lunch.”
Kai dropped a light kiss on my lips before he left. All prior thoughts disappeared from my mind, and I smiled to myself. It amazed me how his kisses, no matter how soft, always made me pause and take an extra breath.
After I made my way to the library to return some books I borrowed, I started toward the cafeteria.
“That movie was gay as shit, man.”
Whenever I hear someone trash-talking gay people, the murderer in me awakens. A part of me wanted to turn around and see who was speaking, but instead, I clenched my jaw, hard.
“I heard her fathers fuck each other in the ass.”
I forced myself to keep walking. Another voice called out, causing me to stop in my tracks. This time, I turned and saw the source of my outrage—Amberson. He stood in challenge, his friends behind him like a pack of dogs wagging their tails. Trying not to let myself be blinded by anger, I turned back and continued walking.
“Holy Jesus, I’ve heard God hates fags, Billy, so they’re definitely going to hell,” Amberson shouted, and his friends started barking.
Somebody was getting hurt today.
Heat invaded my skull. With a mind of their own, my feet turned, leaving me no choice but to march in their direction. My bag slipped from my shoulder, and my arm swung, connecting with Amberson’s jaw. Holy-motherfucking-shit—this fucking hurts. I grabbed my fist with my other hand to bear the pain right before Amberson swung his own fist, barely missing me as I ducked. My fist surged forward again, this time punching him in the nose.
“Bith … hucking … bitthhh.”
That punch buckled him, and the fucker fell on the ground holding a bleeding nose. Shock traveled through my body. His friends raced toward me, and I braced myself for the impact. But then Kai appeared out of nowhere, making them think twice about their attack.
“What the hell is happening here?” his voice roared like thunder. He was looking at me like I’d just committed a murder.
“She started this fucking fight.” One of the guys pointed a finger at me.
Kai turned toward me and asked, “Is this true?”
I didn’t really like the way he was speaking to me, so I lifted my chin and gave him a sharp nod.
“Why the hell would you do that?” he hissed, running a hand through his hair but kept his scowl on the boys.
I was about to answer when Madison came running toward me. “What happened? Are you okay?” At least, Madison had the decency to look worried for me.
“He,” I said, pointing to Amberson, who was crying on the ground, “called our dads fags, and said they’ll definitely go to hell and lots of other disgusting stuff.” My voice started to shake with anger. Good parents didn’t have to include a mother and a father—just two loving people, regardless of gender.
Madison walked innocently toward Amberson and then gave a powerful kick between his spread thighs. I think I may have heard his balls explode. Head thrown back, Amberson screamed. Kai cringed and held his own sack, as did every male who witnessed Madison’s killer blow. Rolling on the floor, Amberson held his dick, shouting for his mama, convulsing in agony, gasping for every breath of air. Madison grabbed my arm and lifted my bag from the floor. I turned to look at Kai, but he didn’t follow as we got out of there.
“That was your best shot,” I praised, still baffled by what just happened.
Madison laughed. “I know. Motherfucker had it coming.” She squeezed my hand. “Guys like Amberson are assholes, and they have tiny dicks, so you don’t have to worry. I didn’t do more damage than what the Almighty already did.”
Laughter bubbled out of me. “Oh, Madison, I love you so hard. I’ll try not to wonder how you know he has a tiny dick.”
Madison waved her hand. “I have my sources,” she said, winking at me.
•••
“For God’s sake, stop pacing,” Madi
son yelled, throwing a pillow at me.
I ducked the attack and threw my hand in the air. “He hasn’t texted back,” I whined.
“Who?”
“Kai, who else?” I asked, grabbing the hairbrush on the table and throwing it at her.
Madison ducked and rolled her eyes. “You should be the angry one. He didn’t kick that asshole for trying to harm you.”
I huffed. “I told you that Amberson’s dogs were coming toward me and Kai stopped them. But he sent me a text, later on, to say that I shouldn’t have started a fight because I could have been hurt. He thinks they might have hurt me.”
Madison hummed. “He’s not wrong.”
I sat my ass on the bed. “I know. And yes, I’m angry that he didn’t stand up for me, but I want us to fight rather than this silent war. Help me, please.”
“Just tell him what you feel, Phoenix,” Madison said, going back to her reading.
She was right.
Phoenix: I’m angry.
Phoenix: He called my dads fags, and he was coming to hit me. You should’ve been on my side.
I successfully chewed three fingernails before he replied.
Kai: You could’ve been hurt, Phoenix. It’s NOT A FUCKING JOKE! And I am on your side.
Okay, that was not the response I was expecting.
Phoenix: It’s just that I hate when someone says bad things about my dads.
You know how I feel! And then you stayed mum—I expected you to say more, instead of being ashamed to defend the gays.
His reply came in a few seconds.
Kai: That was not why I stayed quiet. Not all guys suck ass like he does. I was trying to prevent the matter from escalating. We could’ve all been in trouble if things would’ve gotten out of control.
Kai: Amberson is the king of douchebags.
His reply made me smile. I know Kai wasn’t like them, but I still wanted him to stand up for me—like Madison did.
Phoenix: I know he is.
Phoenix: But I’m still angry. I expect you to be on my side no matter what!!!
Kai: I am. No matter what.
Kai: But Madison shouldn’t have kicked him in the balls.
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