“Hi,” she smiled, automatically lighting up at the sight of him.
He grinned and crossed the room, perching himself comfortably on the edge of the armrest next to her. He brushed a finger down her nose.
“Hi. How you feeling?”
“Better.”
He let his eyes trail over her and she was surprised to see desire there, especially since she had on his completely unrevealing boxers, a baggy t-shirt and no make-up.
“Now that you’re back, Brian, you guys wanna go to the beach?” Raven asked excitedly, dragging herself out of Dorian’s arms and sitting cross-legged on the couch.
Everyone shrugged.
“But you can’t invite any of your skanky skanks, Clarence,” she declared, eyeing him.
Dorian grinned, dimples showing. “Jealous, Chipmunk?”
She sighed dramatically. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. I just enjoy being able to use more than two syllables when I talk to people.”
He poked her in the ribs and she laughed, swatting his hand away. Raven jumped up. Energy practically dripped from her and for the first time since she’d known her, Destiny felt a stab of jealousy. These days she couldn’t muster up that much excitement for much of anything.
“Coolness! I’m ready when you guys are,” Raven said heading back to Dorian’s room, probably to gather her stuff. “Which is a nice way of saying let’s go now!”
Destiny laughed and Dorian got up and followed her to the back. Destiny started to get up too but Brian slid down onto the couch, pulling her onto his lap.
“I like you in my clothes,” he confessed, when she turned to look at him curiously. “I think I like it even better than the red dress.”
His expression was solemn and she couldn’t stop a laugh from escaping her.
“Why?”
She stared at him puzzled. He shrugged and grinned and her stomach did its usual flip-flop. She wondered if it would ever stop doing that.
“It makes me feel like you’re mine.”
She grinned, her body warming. “So, you’d have no problem if I walked around in your boxers all day? Or if I took a few of those t-shirts that you refused to give me?”
He chuckled softly. “You can have whatever you want, cutie pie.”
He was smiling but his eyes were serious and the honesty and rare display of vulnerability she saw in them made her want to crawl inside of him and stay there.
“I am, you know… yours,” she breathed softly.
It was the closest they’d come to declaring any titles. It was better than being called his “girlfriend,” more real. More honest. She was his, for as long as he wanted her. They stared at each other for a long second before he slowly brought her face to his and kissed her. It was soft and sweet and his breath mingled with hers when he lingered against her mouth, his lips simply pressed against hers, inhaling her.
She turned his cap backwards on his head so she could better access his face and pressed her forehead to his, wanting so badly to tell him she loved him that her insides felt like they might burst. But she held it inside. There were still so many things she was afraid of, mostly because love came with so many things. Things she didn’t know if she could handle.
“Oh, I almost forgot,” he murmured when she finally pulled back.
He pulled his phone out, his fingers moving quickly over the keys. A few seconds later, her phone vibrated on the couch. She looked at him curiously and grabbed it.
“Raphael Saadiq, ’Skyy, Can You Feel Me.’ Exclamation point.”
She smiled. She knew he understood the meaning of that text and his eyes said as much when he looked at her again. He cupped the back of her head and brought her mouth to his again, kissing her top lip first then her bottom. Her heart was thudding in her chest. She was starting to fall in with that kiss. He pulled back and she released a breath.
“Did you get whatever you had to take care of handled?” she asked a little tentatively.
He nodded, his eyes growing distant.
“What’s up?” she asked him.
He met her eyes then looked away. “Nothing. I just had to send my mom some money.”
His body had tensed and she studied him.
“She okay?” she asked finally, shifting slightly on his lap.
He nodded stiffly.
“Is she still in L.A.?”
“Yeah,” he answered shortly.
She frowned. Brian was never talkative, especially when it came to his mom, but she knew she always had gotten more out of him than most people. It bugged her that he was shutting her out when something was obviously going on. She felt herself starting to tense up, thinking about what it would mean for Brian if his mom slipped back into addiction.
“She’s still working at that restaurant or whatever?” she prodded.
He nodded again, releasing a quick breath.
“So is she…”
“She’s cool, Tweety,” he interrupted, hushing her. She studied his face for a second, unconvinced.
“But are you sure you…” she started.
“Hey,” he said, cutting her off again. “Let’s not talk about her.” His voice had dropped and he met her eyes. “I don’t want to think about my mom right now, especially with you on my lap.”
He grinned and tightened his arms around her waist, nipping at the side of her neck. She giggled and leaned against him, deciding to let it go. She didn’t want to press him about what he obviously wasn’t ready to share. He never did that to her, and she appreciated him more for it.
She kissed his cheek, nuzzling her nose against his stubble, then sighed and laid back against him, content to just be in his arms feeling the rise and fall of his chest against her back, the strength of his body surrounding her.
“We’re supposed to be leaving,” she murmured, when he pressed his lips against the side of her ear.
She ran her fingers lightly up his forearms, loving the way her skin looked against his.
“Raven and the beach can wait.”
She chuckled and he pulled her closer to him. He was right.
Chapter 16
“We are so going to prison,” Destiny coughed as she inhaled. “We’re on a public beach, guys.”
She glanced over to her right at Raven who was sitting cross-legged on the oversized beach blanket next to her, digging her pedicured toe into the sand. They were sitting right at the edge of the water and their towels were close to getting wet, but none of them cared. They all wanted to be as close to the water as possible.
Raven rolled her eyes.
“Oh, pipe down, Grasshopper. This is barely even illegal anymore.”
Destiny put the joint out and lay back on her towel, her head resting comfortably on Brian’s outstretched legs, as he laughed.
“You are being a little dramatic, cutie pie,” Brian chided gently, poking her lightly in the ribs as he stared down at her through his aviator sunglasses.
She jumped and swatted blindly at his leg.
“Really, Tweet, cool out. You act like we’re smoking heroin or crack or something,” Dorian chimed in. “This is medicinal.”
“Medicinal?” she grinned. “What exactly are we treating?”
“Our hangover,” he replied easily, grinning.
She giggled, securing her sunglasses over her eyes, as she contemplated the sky. It was the final minutes of sunset and the sky was dim, splashed with orange and red hues. She inhaled deeply, letting the damp, salty air fill her nostrils.
Dorian adjusted the volume on the small speaker that he had hooked up to his iPod and pulled Raven to him so that she was sitting in between his legs.
“I thought you didn’t like emo shit,” Destiny said dryly, as the Isley Brothers’ “Voyage to Atlantis” poured through the speakers.
“But this is classic emo shit.”
She rolled her eyes and sighed, letting the music drift over her as Ron Isley sang in his honeyed, serene tenor, “If I go on my way without you, where would I go? �
�� I’ll always come back to you…”
She glanced up at Brian and smiled. He brushed her nose with the tip of his finger, his breathing even and calm, enjoying the moment. He glanced over at Raven as she adjusted the strap on her bright green bikini and fiddled with her phone. Frowning, she threw it into her oversized beach bag and relaxed against Dorian’s chest.
“Do you guys think there’s such thing as loving somebody too much?” she asked contemplatively after a few minutes of watching the gentle waves slowly roll their way to shore.
“No,” Brian answered after a few seconds. “I just think a lot of people confuse love for other things.”
“Like what?” she asked, turning her head to look at him.
He shrugged, absently smoothing stray strands of Destiny’s hair with his fingertips. His other arm was splayed across her stomach and he rubbed his thumb back and forth over her belly button. She had a on a black one piece, but she might as well have been naked given the way the simple touch ignited her body. She bit her lip, listening to his answer.
“Dependency, fear of letting go, fear of the unknown… complacency….”
They were silent for a while, enjoying the sound of the waves crashing and the kids that were playing farther down the shore line. “I think love is love,” Dorian said.
Destiny turned her head toward him. He was still staring ahead, leaning back on his palms.
“You know, that whole concept of loving someone too much seems like bullshit to me. Love is love. Period. If it’s really love—and a lot of people don’t know what love really is, for the record—but if it’s really love, I don’t think there are levels to it. You either love or you don’t. Period.”
Raven looked up at him. “You’re pretty insightful, Clarence.”
He grinned, his baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes. “And you’re just pretty, Chipmunk.”
She smiled. “You love me don’t you, Clarence?” she teased.
He grinned faintly, his dimples barely showing. “Yes.” Destiny watched Brian glance over at him, smirking. “Oh God, get a room,” she murmured, rolling her eyes as she repositioned her head on Brian’s lap. She brushed some sand off of her fingers.
“Yeah, like you can talk, cutie pie,” Raven snorted.
Destiny swatted at her, but missed by at least a foot.
“Do you want some water, Brian?” Dorian added, mimicking her voice.
“Well, sure, but only if I can drink it straight from your bath, cutie pie,” Raven responded trying to make her voice deep. She pushed her glasses up on her forehead so that she could bat her eyelashes exaggeratedly at Dorian.
Brian threw back his head and laughed and Destiny’s face flushed.
“Shut up,” she retorted, because she couldn’t think of anything better to say.
She turned her head, gazing in the opposite direction and immediately stiffened. Her pulse started racing as she sat up.
She pushed her shades up, her hand shaking as she continued peering at the guy standing about fifty-yards away from them, laughing with a couple of girls.
“What’s wrong?” Brian asked immediately, looking in that direction.
She was shaking now, trying to inhale and exhale, but it wasn’t working.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked, yanking his attention from the guy to stare at her.
“Destiny?” Raven asked, sitting up from Dorian’s chest and looking at her with concern.
Chill bumps had broken out on her arms and she tried to control her breathing enough to get a coherent sentence out. Brian grabbed her shoulders, gently shaking her.
“Destiny,” he said calmly but firmly.
“I think that’s him,” she whispered, her voice unsteady as she continued inhaling rapidly. She looked at Brian, panic overtaking her.
Dorian jerked his head toward the guy and stared for a long second then shook it. His face was twisted in a mask of anger.
“It’s not him, Tweety, he’s in jail,” he said softly.
She looked off toward the guy again, her chest heaving in and out.
“It’s not him, baby,” Brian repeated, his voice strained.
She looked up at him, pushing out quick, successive breaths. Brian pulled her to him, holding on to her tightly.
“It’s not him,” he murmured, kissing the side of her face.
She nodded, trying desperately to cling to logic. She knew it couldn’t be him. She knew it. She tried to inhale more slowly, her heart still beating rapidly in her chest as Brian continued to murmur softly to her, rubbing her shoulders gently. She started to calm down slowly and as she did embarrassment and more powerfully, anger started to course through her. Raven and Dorian were both watching her, worry, sympathy, and pity coloring their expressions. It made her feel sick to her stomach. She’d just ruined yet another event that was meant to be fun.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed, shaking her head after a long minute. “It just really looked like… he has the same…” She paused, rage coursing through her. “Fuck! I can’t fucking get it together!”
She scooted out of Brian’s arms and brought her knees up, resting her head in her hands, shaking it.
“It’s okay, Tweety,” Raven said quietly.
“No, it’s not okay, Ray!” she snapped, her chest heaving.
Brian moved closer to her and pulled her back solidly into his bare chest, kissing the side of her face. She inhaled and exhaled for a minute, willing herself to calm down.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, turning her head to look at Raven. “I didn’t mean to…”
“Don’t apologize,” she interrupted, her face showing nothing but concern.
Raven exchanged a glance with Dorian who looked pissed. He released a breath and looked over at Brian. Brian sighed and kissed the side of her head again.
“I’m sorry, guys,” Destiny said again softly. She felt like she was on the verge of tears, but none would fall.
“Don’t apologize,” Dorian repeated this time, forcefully.
He stopped, shaking his head. Raven scooted back against him and he wrapped her in his arms, resting his chin on her head. Nobody said anything for the next few minutes.
“You okay?” Brian finally asked quietly against her ear, so that only she could hear.
She released a long breath and nodded.
“Yeah,” she sighed. “But I could really use another joint.”
He chuckled softly and wrapped her tighter in his arms.
Chapter 17
Wednesday, 11:49 p.m.
I did some research. Every two minutes in the U.S. someone is sexually assaulted. And now I’m one of them. I never thought I would be. Lately I’ve been dividing my life up into two eras: Before Rape and After Rape. It’s depressing, but true. I feel like two totally different people— B.R. Destiny and A.R. Destiny. B.R. Destiny was far from perfect, but I could deal with her. A.R. Destiny is an emotionally handicapped basket case who says, “fuck” way too often and spazzes out at the drop of a dime. I don’t like her very much, but I don’t know how to get B.R. Destiny back. Honestly, I’m starting to doubt she’ll ever come back. I started solo counseling with Vanessa today, twice a week. I actually accidentally called her Vanessa during the session. She looked at me like I was mildly retarded but pulled it together pretty quickly. I didn’t bother with an explanation. Anyway, after my drunken panic attack, alcohol-induced attempted seduction with Brian, and beach flip-out, I’ve decided maybe I could use her. Lord knows I’m fucked up enough. That’s probably bad… me writing “fucked up” and “Lord” in the same sentence. But fuck it. A.R. Destiny seriously doubts that God cares. I think I just wanted to be able to control when and with who I had sex. I was a 23 year-old virgin after all, which is pretty damn unheard of. Aside from the fact that I never really have been in a very serious relationship I didn’t want to just have random sex just to have it. Ya know? I wanted to wait. I guess I just wanted to save myself for… someone. And he took that from me. And I ha
te him for it. Sometimes it gets so heavy to just inhale. Like it takes all of the energy I have. Sometimes it feels like he took my ability to just be. To just smile at something randomly in those quiet moments when there’s not even necessarily anything funny happening. Except when I’m with Brian. It’s easier to breathe when I’m with him. Easier to smile. Easier to be. So anyways, tonight was my first session. I had to leave work right at 5:30 to make it. Gabe is out of town, not that he would’ve cared anyway. My work is done, barely. But Philly had to be a bitch about it, questioning me about stories and edits that she knew I’d already made. I sort of wanted to tell her everything so that she would realize what a douchebag she is (can a girl be a douchebag?). Of course, I didn’t. Anyways, I think I like these one-on-one sessions better than the group ones. It seems like less random motivational speaking or something, even though we really haven’t talked about a whole lot. She did tell me that what happened wasn’t sex though. Reminded me of Brian. Made me think maybe he Googled it or something. The more I think about it, I’m pretty much positive he did. I feel shitty that he even has to Google things like that to deal with me. Or A.R. Destiny. Or whoever the fuck I am now. Things have pretty much gone back to how they were pre-vodka night between us. I mean, I feel closer to him now than ever before, but still kind of far apart. I guess I just mean he’s still a little hesitant around me and I’m still a little afraid to go too far with him. I can’t flip out like that again. I can’t. I don’t want him to ever see me like that again. Who would want to deal with that shit on a regular basis? No one. I hope I don’t scare him away before we get a chance to have a normal relationship. Because I love him. So much. It’s weird to write that. But I do. Even if I can’t tell him.
Chapter 18
Destiny leaned back in her chair, staring unseeingly at the computer screen. Her body was physically at her work desk, but her mind was far away. She was having a hard time concentrating at work today and it was irritating.
Vanessa had warned her at their third one-on-one session yesterday to not get down on herself if she had a panic-attack, or had a hard time controlling her thoughts. She said she shouldn’t put that kind of pressure on herself. She just had to take it day by day. And today sucked.
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