I miss him. I’m on a plane, heading to Phoenix for a job interview. How can I take a job in Phoenix when it feels like I can’t even breathe without him? How will I function being thousands of miles away from him? He’s in my skin. What am I even doing?
* * *
Sunday, 1:59 p.m.
Dear Cathartic Ass Journal That Is Failing Miserably At Being Cathartic, I’m back already. This is a long, boring flight. I kind of feel sorry for the lady sitting next to me. She’s trying to sleep but it seems like she can’t get her brain to be quiet long enough to totally relax. She keeps fidgeting even though her eyes are closed. I know that feeling. It sucks. Even my trusty Erykah Badu mix can’t calm my nerves. I’ve never been nervous flying home before. I’m not really nervous…I’m just… hell, I don’t even know what I am. Maybe I should just call him when I land. And tell him… what? What would I even tell him? I won’t take the job? I’ll live off of unemployment and my big week of severance pay? I guess I could’ve tried harder to find a job in Miami but this really is right in front me. Raven is right. I would’ve regretted not even trying for this job. But I miss him so much. Already. He probably hates me now anyway. Maybe this was a mistake. I dunno. This is bullshit.
* * *
Destiny had been in Phoenix for six hours and she was miserable. She’d forgotten how freaking hot it was. It was hot in Miami, but it was wet heat, which she liked. The summer sun in Phoenix had her feeling like her skin was about to melt off of her bones. She didn’t dare go outside.
She sat at the dining room table, staring out of the patio door. The small house her mom was renting had a pool in the backyard, although it wasn’t even close to being a sign of wealth. Almost everyone had a pool in Phoenix. She eyed it, wondering how anyone that still lived there wasn’t tempted to drown themselves in it.
She sighed audibly and sipped the lemonade her mom had poured for her earlier. She knew she was being dramatic. Phoenix wasn’t really that bad. She was just that miserable. She’d be sleeping on the couch tonight. Which meant poor Aidan would get the floor. The house only had two bedrooms and Chrissy had taken the spare room that would’ve been hers when she moved in.
Her mom rounded the corner from her bedroom and she quickly plastered a smile on her face. She didn’t want Tori worrying about her, or thinking that coming home depressed her this much. She hadn’t told her about what had happened with Brian. She hadn’t ever really even told her that they were together. She figured she just knew as much because they were always together, and Tori wasn’t stupid.
“You okay, Tweety Bird?” Tori asked her, sitting in the chair next to her.
Destiny nodded, the smile still plastered on her face. Her cheeks were starting to hurt. Tori frowned.
“When did you say your interview was again?” she asked, studying her face.
“Wednesday,” she answered, bringing her cup to her lips again and taking a healthy sip.
Tori nodded. “You said the counseling with Tricia is going good?” she prodded.
Destiny frowned, momentarily confused. “Oh, yeah, Tricia,” she said, grinning for real this time. She almost forgot that was her actual name again. “It’s going good. We have a Skype session tomorrow.”
Her mom nodded, still staring at her like she was trying to pick her brain. “How’s Brian?” she asked.
“Good,” she answered way too quickly.
Just hearing his name made her stomach clench again and she bit her lip. A few seconds ticked by and she prayed she wouldn’t press her about it.
“What’s going on with you two, Tweety?”
No such luck. She decided to play dumb. “What do you mean?”
Tori fixed a look on her that said she wasn’t in the mood for any game playing. Destiny sighed. Telling her that they broke up seemed inadequate. They were never “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” in the traditional sense anyway. She was his. She belonged to him. And now he was gone. She felt tears pricking in her eyes yet again.
“I ruined things,” she said simply, shrugging. “I can’t seem to get it together with him. And I think he thinks I don’t love him because I’m always pushing him away. He thinks I was with him out of curiosity or something.”
She hadn’t meant to say all of that but the words came tumbling out of her mouth. It was actually a relief to be so open with someone besides Raven.
“Do you?” Tori asked gently. “Do you love him?”
Destiny quickly wiped the tear that was threatening to drop from her eye and nodded. “I love him more than I ever thought could even be real.”
Tori smiled. She didn’t look surprised at all.
“Oh my goodness! Tweety!”
Destiny turned her head to see Chrissy eagerly pushing through the front door, a couple of grocery bags in her hands. Aidan came in behind her and hurriedly closed the door behind him. She jumped up and crossed the room quickly, hugging her, pushing back her sadness at the excitement of seeing her aunt.
They jumped up and down together, squealing. Chrissy had always acted more like a big sister to her than an actual adult. Like Tori, she didn’t look her age either. Her long brown and blonde dreds were swept up into a bun on the top of her head and she had on a spaghetti strap tank top and long flowing skirt. Her biceps were toned from the Tai Chi that she taught at the senior’s home around the corner.
“You are so gorgeous, girl!” she said, stepping back and eyeing her like she hadn’t just seen her a few months ago. “No wonder Brian couldn’t stay away from you once he moved to Miami.”
She said it conspiratorially and winked at her. Destiny blushed and shook her head.
“Hey, Tweety,” Aidan smiled, when she wrapped him in a hug, his pubescent voice cracking hilariously.
Destiny dropped a kiss on his cheek. He was the spitting image of Dorian, only he had one dimple in his right cheek instead of two.
“You’re getting some arm muscles, I see,” she teased him, squeezing his biceps.
He swatted her hand away but couldn’t stop grinning at her acknowledgement of twelve year-old biceps. Destiny grabbed the bags from Chrissy and they headed toward the kitchen to help put the groceries away.
“So, your mom told me you have a job interview in a couple of days?” Chrissy said hoisting a bag of coffee out of the plastic bag and opening the cabinet near the kitchen sink.
Destiny nodded, extracting some herbs out of the bag. She sniffed them then frowned.
“So, you’d really move back here?” she asked curiously, taking the herbs from her and placing them in the spice cabinet.
Destiny shrugged. “I need a job.”
“And you couldn’t find one in Miami?” Chrissy pressed, giving her the third degree. She was starting to get irritated. She glanced over at her mom, who was listening as she helped put away the groceries.
“I’m going upstairs,” Aidan announced as soon as his sack was emptied. He clearly didn’t want to be involved in any kind of girl talk.
“You’re not going to play that video game all night, Aidan,” Chrissy called after him.
“Uh-huh,” he replied dismissively.
They heard him bounding up the stairs and the door close a few seconds later. Chrissy turned her attention back to Destiny who had perched herself on the edge of the counter now that the groceries were put away.
“So?” she continued as if there was no interruption.
She reached up into the cupboard and pulled down three glasses, and poured some concoction from the refrigerator in each of them, still waiting for Destiny to answer her.
“I mean… I haven’t really looked, no,” she answered.
She accepted the glass from Chrissy and stared down into it. It was brown and green and it looked like crap. Literally. She quickly eyed her mom, who gave her a knowing look. She clearly wasn’t into Chrissy’s weird ass potions either. She sighed, glancing back to Chrissy.
“I did send out some emails to my contacts yesterday, so I probably won’t hear anything back until
next week, but you know,” she shrugged again. “This was an opportunity. And I need a job.”
She looked down at her fingernails, wondering why she was hounding her about possibly accepting a job there. Everyone knew she needed to be employed.
“How’s Brian?” she asked, switching subjects so abruptly Destiny couldn’t do anything but stare at her in response for a few seconds.
“He’s…” she trailed off, shrugging.
“I mean, how’s he doing since he found out his mom disappeared again?” she pressed.
“What?” Destiny jerked her head up, alarmed.
“Yeah, Clara called over here last week saying nobody knew where she was again,” Tori answered. “She told me Brian’s been trying to find her, calling all of the old contacts he had on her.”
“I don’t think they’ve told Alexis she’s gone missing again yet, they didn’t want to upset her, especially while she’s at cheerleading camp,” Chrissy continued.
Destiny shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. She’d been so consumed with her own problems she hadn’t even really picked up on anything being wrong with him. And while he was comforting her, he was sorting through his own mess. She bit her lip.
“You need to really think about what you may be giving up, Tweety,” Chrissy warned, taking another swig of her concoction.
“What are you saying, Chrissy?” Destiny asked, careful to keep her tone from creeping into disrespectful territory. “I shouldn’t consider a job here? I thought you guys would be happy about me possibly moving back.”
Tori frowned at Chrissy before turning to Destiny.
“We’d love it if you came back, Tweety. You know that. If it’s what you really wanted.”
“What does that mean?” she asked softly.
Tori sighed. “Honestly, I was surprised you were even considering a job here. You weren’t exactly fond of Phoenix when you left for college. And after my last visit to Miami, you seemed pretty set on staying there.”
“I had a job then,” she replied.
“I know. But…” Tori trailed off.
“With Brian being there…” Chrissy chimed in, letting the sentence dangle in the air.
Destiny frowned.
“So what, you think I should make a decision based off of a guy?” she asked, surprised.
“Brian isn’t just ’a guy,’ Tweety, you know that. I practically raised that boy,” Chrissy said, sipping her concoction.
Destiny just barely stopped herself from rolling her eyes. She was always saying that, even though everyone knew it was an extreme exaggeration. She looked at her mom, trying to see if she felt the same way.
“You know I’m not pushing you to be involved with anyone, or make any decisions based off of a man… any man,” Tori said, answering her look. “I just know that you seemed happy with him. Calmer. Especially after…” she looked away. “I just want you to be happy, Tweety. I want you to make decisions based on what will make you happy—not off of what you feel obligated to do, and especially not out of fear. I just want you to get the life that you deserve. Lord knows you’ve been through enough.”
Tori sighed and absently took a sip of her potion before looking at her again.
“Don’t ever feel like I’m pushing you to be with anyone, okay? I love Brian and I love that he’s been there for you, but you’re my daughter. I want you to be happy. And if you’re not happy with him, then so be it.”
Destiny looked down into her glass. That couldn’t be farther from the truth.
“But I was happy with him,” she said quietly. “And I do love him. I just. I don’t know how to be with him. I don’t think I know how to love him right. I’m scared. I’m afraid it can’t be for real, or that it can’t really last.”
She looked up her eyes falling on her mom before she glanced at Chrissy, who looked like she was on the verge of tears herself.
“You know you can’t judge your own relationships by what’s happened in our lives, Tweety,” Chrissy told her. “You or Dorian. You both run from commitment, in your own ways.”
She paused, eyeing her. “You can’t be afraid of being in a relationship because of what we’ve been through. We’ve made our own decisions. Decisions that have had consequences.”
Destiny scowled. “My mom didn’t do anything to my dad. He just morphed into a jerk and left.”
She glanced at Tori, who shook her head.
“He didn’t morph into anything, Desi,” she said. “He showed me who he was early on in our relationship and I chose to see what I wanted to see. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them from the very beginning. And Christine is right, you can’t live your life based on what we’ve experienced. You learn from what we’ve been through, but you don’t base your life on it. Because it’s your life. You’re going to bump your head. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to have experiences that hurt. But that doesn’t mean you give up completely. You have to move on and trust that God has something even better for you.”
Destiny stared at her hands, absorbing her words.
“Don’t be afraid to receive what’s being given to you.”
“And what’s being given to me, mom?” she asked, her heart in her throat.
Tori looked at her, making sure she was listening.
“Love.”
Chapter 26
Monday, 3:22 p.m.
We found out today that Connor Dorsey reached a plea deal with the D.A. He was sentenced to eight years. He’ll probably do around six. Honestly, I’m kind of glad that I was here when I found out. I’m kind of glad that I was with my mom. It’s weird. I thought I would be happy that he’s finally been sentenced and that this is “over with.” But now that it’s done, I don’t really know how I feel. Is that enough time for him to serve for what he did to me? I know I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. I’m just trying really hard to not let it become my life, you know? It’s not going to be the one thing that I always associate with myself. Not anymore. Vanessa says that maybe I should write him a letter to explain how I feel, or whatever. A letter that I don’t really have to send. She says it will help me to forgive him so that I can move on. But I’m tired of giving him my ink. My time. My mind. My thoughts. I’m so tired. Have I forgiven him? No. Hell no. I don’t know that I can. How do you really forgive something like that? Doesn’t forgiveness require some form of understanding? I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he did what he did to me. But I do know that I can move on anyway. Maybe instead of writing him, I’ll write a thank-you letter to Carlos, Zachias, Yancey, and Jabari—the four guys who caught him. That seems a little more productive. And real. I know that I have to stop spending so much time actively hating Connor Dorsey though. Because actively hating him is actively thinking about him and I don’t want to give him my thinking power. I know I can’t pretend like this didn’t happen. But I won’t let it define me or my life. I won’t let it hinder me. I won’t let it make me into someone I don’t want to be—Numb. Scared all of the time. Afraid of really living. So forget A.R. Destiny. And while I’m at it, forget B.R. Destiny too. I can’t go back to her. All I can be is who I currently am. Maybe I’m a little bit of both now. And I’m actually okay with that. You know what? I think I just reached a plea deal with myself. Ha. Maybe this Cathartic Ass Journal isn’t such bullshit after all.
* * *
“Yo, how’s it going?”
Destiny held the phone between her ear and shoulder as she leaned back on her palms, letting her feet dangle in the pool water.
“Eh,” she half-shrugged, answering Dorian. It was after ten at night and she was sitting outside, trying to clear her head after being stuffed in the house all day because of the sweltering heat. She was happy he’d called her.
“I heard they sentenced him,” he said, without preamble. A second ticked by. “You okay?”
“I will be,” she answered, curling her toes in the water. There was another long silence. “What is… how is B
rian?”
She asked the question tentatively. She hadn’t talked to him in three days. She’d broken down and texted him earlier that day, a simple “hi.” He texted back, “hi” a few minutes later, and nothing else. “I miss you,” she’d written immediately, her heart flip-flopping in her chest. He hadn’t replied.
Her question was met with another long silence now and she could imagine Dorian deliberating on what to tell her, or if he wanted to tell her anything at all. She knew it probably sucked being in his position, but she couldn’t help asking him, especially since Brian wasn’t talking to her. He sighed audibly.
“I dunno, dude. He’s pretty fucked up. He’s probably back there taking a bubble bath and listening to Drake or some shit.” He sighed again and Destiny rolled her eyes. “It’s depressing as hell being around him. He’s making me want to slit my own wrist.”
It didn’t make her feel any better knowing that he was as miserable as she was. It made her feel worse because she was the one at fault for his misery.
“How’s Aidan?” he asked after another long minute.
“Getting big,” she grinned. “You know he has actual biceps now?”
He chuckled.
“Your mom is good too,” she offered, mostly because she knew he was still pissed at her. “She got a new job in a health food store. She’s been bringing all of these weird herbs and concoctions to the house.”
Dorian snorted. “She needs to learn how to focus on one thing and stop hopping around all the time. She’s too old for that shit.”
Destiny bit her lip, swinging her legs in the water again.
“She kind of lectured me about possibly taking this job.”
“Lectured you?” he repeated, immediately sounding agitated.
She released a breath and lifted her foot, watching the water drip off of her toe and make small rings when it hit the pool.
“Well, not really lectured. She just was saying that me and you have issues with commitment.”
He laughed, though there was no humor in his voice.
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