“You do great work!” he said softly.
“Thank you, Mack, and you’ve seen so little. For now most of what exists in the universe will be seen and enjoyed only by me, like special canvasses in the back of an artist’s studio, but one day… And can you imagine this scene if the earth were not at war, striving so hard just to survive?”
“And you mean what, exactly?”
“Our earth is like a child who has grown up without parents, having no one to guide and direct her.” As Jesus spoke, his voice intensified in subdued anguish. “Some have attempted to help her, but most have simply tried to use her. Humans, who have been given the task to lovingly steer the world, instead plunder her, with no consideration other than their immediate needs. And they give little thought to their own children, who will inherit their lack of love. So they use her and abuse her with little consideration, and then when she shudders or blows her breath, they are offended and raise their fists at God.”
“You’re an ecologist?” Mack said, half as an accusation.
“This blue-green ball in black space, filled with beauty even now, battered and abused and lovely,” Jesus quoted.
“I know that song. You must care deeply about the creation.” Mack smiled.
“Well, this ‘blue-green ball in black space’ belongs to me,” Jesus stated emphatically.
After a moment, they opened their lunches together. Papa had filled the sacks with sandwiches and treats, and both ate heartily. Mack munched on something that he liked, but he couldn’t quite decide if it was animal or vegetable. He thought it might be better not to ask.
“So why don’t you fix it?” Mack asked, munching on his sandwich. “The earth, I mean.”
“Because we gave it to you.”
“Can’t you take it back?”
“Of course we could, but then the story would end before it was consummated.”
Mack gave Jesus a blank look.
“Have you noticed that even though you call me ‘Lord’ and ‘King,’ I have never really acted in that capacity with you? I’ve never taken control of your choices or forced you to do anything, even when what you were about to do was destructive or hurtful to yourself and others.”
Mack looked back at the lake before responding. “I would have preferred that you did take control at times. It would have saved me and people I care about a lot of pain.”
“To force my will on you,” Jesus replied, “is exactly what love does not do. Genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy.
“That’s the beauty you see in my relationship with Abba and Sarayu. We are indeed submitted to one another and have always been so and always will be. Papa is as much submitted to me as I to him, or Sarayu to me, or Papa to her. Submission is not about authority and it is not obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect. In fact, we are submitted to you in the same way.”
Mack was surprised. “How can that be? Why would the God of the universe want to be submitted to me?”
“Because we want you to join us in our circle of relationship. I don’t want slaves to my will; I want brothers and sisters who will share life with me.”
“And that’s how you want us to love one another, I suppose? I mean between husbands and wives, parents and children. I guess in any relationship?”
“Exactly! When I am your life, submission is the most natural expression of my character and nature, and it will be the most natural expression of your new nature within relationships.”
“And all I wanted was a God who will just fix everything so no one gets hurt.” Mack shook his head at the realization. “But I’m not very good at relationship stuff, not like Nan.”
Jesus finished the last bite of his sandwich and, closing his lunch bag, placed it down next to him on the log. He wiped off a couple of crumbs that still adhered to his mustache and short beard. Then, grabbing a nearby stick, he began to doodle in the sand as he continued. “That’s because, like most men, you find what you think of as fulfillment in your achievements, and Nan, like most women, finds it in relationships. It’s more naturally her language.” Jesus paused to watch an osprey dive into the lake not fifty feet from them and slowly take flight again, talons gripping a large lake trout still struggling to escape.
“Does that mean I’m hopeless? I really want what the three of you share, but I have no idea how to get there.”
“There’s a lot in your way right now, Mack, but you don’t have to keep living with it.”
“I know that’s truer now that Missy’s gone, but it has never been easy for me.”
“You’re not just dealing with Missy’s murder. There’s a larger twisting that makes sharing life with us difficult. The world is broken because in Eden you abandoned relationship with us to assert your own independence. Most men have expressed it by turning to the work of their hands and the sweat of their brows to find their identity, value, and security. By choosing to declare what’s good and evil, you seek to determine your own destiny. It was this turning that has caused so much pain.”
Jesus braced himself with the stick to stand and paused while Mack finished his last bite and stood to join him. Together they began walking along the lakeshore. “But that isn’t all. The woman’s desire—and the word is actually her turning—so the woman’s turning was not to the works of her hands but to the man, and his response was to rule ‘over’ her, to take power over her, to become the ruler. Before the choosing, she found her identity, her security, and her understanding of good and evil only in me, as did man.”
“No wonder I feel like a failure with Nan. I can’t seem to be that for her.”
“You weren’t made to be. And in trying you’ll only be playing God.”
Mack reached down, picked up a flat stone, and skipped it across the lake. “Is there any way out of this?”
“It is so simple, but never easy for you: by re-turning. By turning back to me. By giving up your ways of power and manipulation and just coming back to me.” Jesus sounded as if he was pleading. “Women in general will find it difficult to turn from a man and stop demanding that he meet their needs, provide security, and protect their identity, and return to me. Men in general find it very hard to turn from the works of their hands, their own quests for power and security and significance, and return to me.”
“I’ve always wondered why men have been in charge,” Mack pondered. “Males seem to be the cause of so much of the pain in the world. They account for most of the crimes, and many of those are perpetrated against women and”—he paused—“children.”
“Women,” Jesus continued as he picked up a stone and skipped it, “turned from us to another relationship, while men turned to themselves and the ground. The world in many ways would be a much calmer and gentler place if women ruled. There would have been far fewer children sacrificed to the gods of greed and power.”
“Then they would have fulfilled that role better.”
“Better, maybe, but it still wouldn’t have been enough. Power in the hands of independent humans, be they men or women, does corrupt. Mack, don’t you see how filling roles is the opposite of relationship? We want male and female to be counterparts, face-to-face equals, each unique and different, distinctive in gender but complementary, and each empowered uniquely by Sarayu, from whom all true power and authority originate. Remember, I am not about performance and fitting into man-made structures; I am about being. As you grow in relationship with me, what you do will simply reflect who you really are.”
“But you came in the form of a man. Doesn’t that say something?”
“Yes, but not what many have assumed. I came as a man to complete a wonderful picture in how we made you. From the first day we hid the woman within the man, so that at the right time we could remove her from within him. We didn’t create man to live alone; she was purposed from the beginning. By taking her out of him, he birthed her in a sense. We created a circle of relationship, like our own, but
for humans. She, out of him, and now all the males, including me, birthed through her, and all originating, or birthed, from God.”
“Oh, I get it,” Mack said, stopping in mid-throw. “If the female had been created first, there would have been no circle of relationship, and thus no possibility of a fully equal face-to-face relationship between the male and the female. Right?”
“Exactly right, Mack.” Jesus looked at him and grinned. “Our desire was to create a being that had a fully equal and powerful counterpart, the male and the female. But your independence with its quest for power and fulfillment actually destroys the relationship your heart longs for.”
“There it is again,” Mack said, sifting through the rocks to find the flattest stone. “It always comes back to power and how opposite that is from the relationship you have with the other two. I’d love to experience that, with you and with Nan.”
“That’s why we’re here.”
“I wish she were too.”
“Oh, what could have been,” Jesus mused.
Mack had no idea what he meant.
They were quiet for a few minutes, except for some grunting as rocks were thrown and the sounds they made skipping across the water.
Jesus stopped just as he was about to throw a rock. “One last thing that I want you to remember about this conversation, Mack, before you go.” He tossed the rock.
Mack looked up, surprised. “Before I go?”
Jesus ignored his question. “Mack, just like love, submission is not something that you can do, especially not on your own. Apart from my life inside you, you can’t submit to Nan, or your children, or anyone else in your life, including Papa.”
“You mean,” Mack quipped, “that I can’t just ask, ‘What would Jesus do?’ ”
Jesus chuckled. “Good intentions; bad idea. Let me know how it works for you, if that’s the way you choose to go.” He paused and grew sober. “Seriously, my life was not meant to be an example to copy. Being my follower is not trying to ‘be like Jesus,’ it means your independence is killed. I came to give you life, real life, my life. We will come and live our life inside you, so that you begin to see with our eyes, and hear with our ears, and touch with our hands, and think like we do. But we will never force that union on you. If you want to do your thing, have at it. Time is on our side.”
“This must be the dying daily that Sarayu was talking about,” said Mack and nodded.
“Speaking of time,” said Jesus, turning and pointing at the path that led into the forest at the end of the clearing, “you have an engagement. Follow that path and enter where it ends. I’ll wait for you here.”
As much as he wanted to, Mack knew that it would be no use to try to continue the conversation. In thoughtful silence he put on his socks and shoes. They were not totally dry by this time, but not too uncomfortable. Standing up without another word, he squished his way toward the end of the beach, stopped for a minute to look once more at the waterfall, jumped over the little brook, and entered the woods to find a well-maintained and marked path.
11
HERE COME DA JUDGE
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
—Albert Einstein
Oh my soul… be prepared for him who knows how to ask questions.
—T. S. Eliot
Mack followed the trail that wound past the waterfall, away from the lake, and through a dense patch of cedar trees. It took less than five minutes to reach an impasse. The path took him directly to a rock face, the faint outline of a door barely visible on the surface. Obviously he was meant to enter, so he hesitantly reached out and pushed. His hand simply penetrated the wall as if it weren’t there. Mack continued to move cautiously forward until his entire body passed through what appeared to be the solid stone exterior of the mountain. It was thick black within and he could see nothing.
Taking a deep breath and with his hands outstretched in front of him, he ventured a couple of small steps into the inky darkness and stopped. Fear seized him as he tried to breathe, unsure whether or not to continue. As his stomach clenched he felt it again: The Great Sadness settling on his shoulders with its full weight, almost suffocating him. He desperately wanted to back out into the light, but in the end he believed that Jesus would not have sent him in here without a good purpose. He pressed in farther.
Slowly his eyes recovered from the shock of moving from daylight into such deep shadows, and a minute later they adjusted enough to make out a single passageway curving off to his left. As he followed it, the brightness at the entrance behind him faded and was replaced by a faint luminosity reflecting off the walls from somewhere ahead.
Within a hundred feet, the tunnel turned abruptly to his left and Mack found himself standing at the edge of what he assumed was a huge cavern, although initially it seemed to be only a vast empty space. The illusion was magnified by the only light present, a dim radiance that encircled him but dissipated within ten feet in every direction. Beyond that he could see nothing, only inky blackness. The air in the place felt heavy and oppressive, with an attending chill that fought to take his breath away. He looked down and was relieved to see a faint reflection off a surface—not the dirt and rock of the tunnel, but a floor, smooth and dark like polished mica.
Bravely taking a step forward, he noticed that the light-circle moved with him, illuminating a little more of the area ahead. Feeling more confident, he began to slowly and deliberately walk in the direction he had been facing, focusing on the floor for fear it might at any moment drop away beneath him. He was so intent on watching his feet that Mack blundered into an object in front of him and almost fell.
It was a chair, a comfortable-looking wooden chair in the middle of… nothing. Mack quickly decided to sit and wait. As he did, the light that had assisted him continued to move forward as if he had kept walking. Directly in front of him, he now could make out an ebony desk of considerable size, completely bare. And then he jumped when the light coalesced on one spot, and he finally saw her. Behind the desk sat a tall, beautiful, olive-skinned woman with chiseled Hispanic features, clothed in a dark-colored flowing robe. She sat as straight and regal as a high court judge. She was stunning.
She is beauty, he thought. Everything that sensuality strives to be, but falls painfully short. In the dim light it was difficult to see where her face began, as her hair and robe framed and merged into her visage. Her eyes glinted and glistened as if they were portals into the vastness of the starry night sky, reflecting some unknown light source within her.
He dared not speak, afraid that his voice would simply be swallowed up in the intensity of the room’s focus on her. He thought, I’m Mickey Mouse about to speak to Pavarotti. The thought made him smile. As if somehow sharing a simple delight in the grotesqueness of that image, she smiled back, and the place noticeably brightened. That was all it took for Mack to understand that he was expected and welcomed here. She looked strangely familiar, as if he might have known or glimpsed her somewhere in the past, only he knew that he had never truly seen or met her before.
“May I ask… If I may… I mean, who are you?” Mack fumbled, his voice sounding every bit to him like Mickey’s, barely leaving an impression on the stillness of the room but then lingering like the shadow of an echo.
She ignored his query. “Do you understand why you are here?” Like a breeze sweeping away the dust, her voice gently ushered his question out of the room.
Mack could almost feel her words rain down on his head and melt into his spine, sending delicious tingles everywhere. He shivered and decided that he never wanted to speak again. He only wanted her to talk, to speak to him or to anyone, just as long as he could be present. But she waited.
“You know,” he said quietly, his own voice suddenly so rich and resonant that Mack was tempted to look behind him to see who had spoken. Somehow he knew that what he had said was the truth… it simply sounded like it. “I have no idea,” h
e added, fumbling again and turning his gaze toward the floor. “No one told me.”
“Well, Mackenzie Allen Phillips,” she said with a laugh, causing him to look up quickly, “I am here to help you.”
If a rainbow makes a sound, or a flower as it grows, that was the sound of her laughter. It was a shower of light, an invitation to talk, and Mack chuckled along with her, not even knowing or caring why.
Soon again there was silence and her face, though remaining soft, took on a fiery intensity, as if she was able to peer deep inside of him, past the pretenses and facades, down to the places that are rarely, if ever, spoken of.
“Today is a very serious day with very serious consequences.” She paused, as if to add weight to her already tangibly heavy words. “Mackenzie, you are here, in part, because of your children, but you are also here for—”
“My children?” Mack interrupted. “What do you mean, I’m here because of my children?”
“Mackenzie, you love your children in a way that your own father was never able to love you and your sisters.”
“Of course I love my children. Every parent loves their children,” Mack asserted. “But why does that have anything to do with why I’m here?”
“In some sense every parent does love their children,” she responded, ignoring his second question. “But some parents are too broken to love them well and others are barely able to love them at all; you should understand that. But you, you do love your children well—very well.”
“I learned much of that from Nan.”
“We know. But you did learn, didn’t you?”
“I suppose I did.”
“Among the mysteries of a broken humanity, that too is rather remarkable: to learn, to allow change.” She was as calm as a windless sea. “So then, Mackenzie, may I ask which of your children you love the most?”
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