“So forgiveness does not require me to pretend what he did never happened?”
“How can you? You forgave your dad last night. Will you ever forget what he did to you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“But now you can love him in the face of it. His change allows for that. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should he finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. And sometimes—and this may seem incomprehensible to you right now—that road may even take you to the miracle of fully restored trust.”
Mack slid to the ground and leaned back against the rock he had been sitting on. He studied the dirt between his feet. “Papa, I think I understand what you’re saying. But it feels like if I forgive this guy he gets off free. How do I excuse what he did? Is it fair to Missy if I don’t stay angry with him?”
“Mackenzie, forgiveness does not excuse anything. Believe me, the last thing this man is, is free. And you have no duty to justice in this. I will handle that. As for Missy, she has already forgiven him.”
“She has?” Mack didn’t even look up. “How could she?”
“Because of my presence in her. That’s the only way true forgiveness is ever possible.”
Mack felt Papa sit down next to him on the ground, but he still didn’t look up. As Papa’s arms enfolded Mack he began to cry. “Let it all out,” he heard Papa whisper, and he finally was able to do just that. He closed his eyes as the tears poured out. Missy and her memories again flooded his mind: visions of coloring books and crayons and torn and bloody dresses. He wept until he had cried out all the darkness, all the longing, and all the loss, until there was nothing left.
With his eyes now closed, rocking back and forth, he pleaded, “Help me, Papa. Help me! What do I do? How do I forgive him?”
“Tell him.”
Mack looked up, half expecting to see a man he had never met standing there.
“How, Papa?”
“Just say it out loud. There is power in what my children declare.”
Mack began to whisper in tones at first halfhearted and stumbling, but then with increasing conviction, “I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you.”
Papa held him close. “Mackenzie, you are such a joy.”
When Mack finally collected himself, Papa handed him a wet cloth so he could wash his face. He then stood up, a little unsteady at first.
“Wow!” he said hoarsely, trying to find any word that might describe the emotional journey he had just waded through. He felt alive. He handed the kerchief back to Papa and asked, “So is it all right if I’m still angry?”
Papa was quick to respond. “Absolutely! What he did was terrible. He caused incredible pain to many. It was wrong, and anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But don’t let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck.”
Papa grabbed his pack and threw it on. “Son, you may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness and give him over to me so that my love will burn from his life every vestige of corruption. As incomprehensible as it sounds at this moment, you may well know this man in a different context one day.”
Mack groaned. But as much as what Papa was saying caused his stomach to churn, in his heart he knew that it was the truth. They stood up together and Mack turned toward the trail to return the way they had come.
“Mack, we are not done here,” he stated.
Mack stopped and turned. “Really? I thought this was why you brought me here.”
“I did, but I told you I had something to show you, something you have asked me to do. We are here to bring Missy home.”
Suddenly it all made sense. He looked at Sarayu’s gift and realized what it was for. Somewhere in this desolate landscape the killer had hidden Missy’s body, and they had come to retrieve it.
“Thank you” was all he could say to Papa as once more a waterfall rolled down his cheeks as if from an endless reservoir. “I hate all this—this crying and blubbering like an idiot, all these tears,” he moaned.
“Oh, child,” spoke Papa tenderly. “Don’t ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak.”
Mack pulled back and looked Papa in the face. Such pure kindness and love and hope and living joy he had never beheld. “But you promised that someday there will be no more tears. I’m looking forward to that.”
Papa smiled, gently touched the backs of his fingers to Mack’s face, and tenderly wiped his tear-tracked cheeks. “Mackenzie, this world is full of tears, but if you remember, I promised that it would be I who would wipe them from your eyes.”
Mack managed a smile as his soul continued to melt and heal in the love of his Father.
“Here,” Papa said and handed him a canteen. “Take a good swallow. I don’t want you shriveling up like a prune before all this is over.”
Mack couldn’t help but laugh, which seemed so out of place, but then on second thought he knew it was perfect. It was a laugh of hope and restored joy… of the process of closure.
Papa led the way. Before leaving the main path and following a trail into the strewn mass of boulders, Papa paused and with his walking stick tapped a large boulder. He looked back at Mack and gestured to him that he should look more closely. There it was again, the same red arc. And now Mack realized the trail they were following had been marked by the man who had taken his daughter. As they walked, Papa now explained to Mack that no bodies had ever been found because this man would scout out places to hide them, sometimes months before he would kidnap the girls.
Halfway through the boulder field, Papa left the path and entered a maze of rocks and mountain walls, but not before once again pointing out the now familiar marking on a nearby rock face. Mack could see that unless people knew what they were looking for, the marks would easily go unnoticed. Ten minutes later, Papa stopped in front of a seam where two outcroppings met. There was a small pile of boulders at the base, one of them bearing the killer’s symbol.
“Help me with these,” he said to Mack as he began peeling the larger rocks away. “All this hides a cave entrance.”
Once the covering rocks were removed, they picked and shoveled away at the hardened dirt and gravel that blocked the entrance. Suddenly, the remaining debris gave way and an opening into a small cave was visible; it was probably once the den of some hibernating animal. The stale odor of decay poured out and Mack gagged. Papa reached into the end of the roll Sarayu had given Mack and pulled out a bandanna-sized piece of linen from the end of it. He tied it around Mack’s mouth and nose and immediately its sweet smell cut through the stench of the cave.
There was only enough space for them to crawl. Taking a powerful flashlight from his own pack, Papa wriggled into the cave first with Mack right behind, still carrying Sarayu’s gift.
It took them only a few minutes to find their bittersweet treasure. On a small rock outcropping, Mack saw the body of what he assumed was his Missy; faceup, her body covered by a dirty and decaying sheet. He knew that, like an old glove without a hand to animate it, the real Missy wasn’t there.
Papa unwrapped what Sarayu had sent with them and immediately the den filled with wonderful living aromas and scents. Even though the sheet under Missy’s body was fragile, it held enough for Mack to lift her and place her in the midst of all the flowers and spices. Papa then tenderly wrapped her up and carried her to the entrance. Mack exited first and Papa passed their treasure to him. He stood up as Papa exited and pulled the pack over his shoulders. Not a word had been spoken except for Mack muttering occasionally under his breath, “I forgive you…
I forgive you…”
Before they left the site, Papa picked up the rock with the red arc on it and laid it over the entrance. Mack noticed but didn’t pay much attention, busy as he was with his own thoughts and tenderly holding the body of his daughter close to his heart.
17
CHOICES OF THE HEART
Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.
—Thomas Moore, “Come Ye Disconsolate”
Even though Mack carried the burden of Missy’s body back to the cabin, the time passed quickly. When they arrived at the shack, Jesus and Sarayu were waiting by the back door. Jesus gently relieved him of his burden and together they went to the shop where he had been working. Mack had not entered here since his arrival and was surprised at its simplicity. Light streaming through large windows caught and reflected wood dust still hanging in the air. The walls and workbenches, covered with all manner of tools, were organized to easily facilitate the shop’s activities. This was clearly the sanctuary of a master craftsman.
Directly before them stood his work, a masterpiece of art in which to lay the remains of Missy. As Mack walked around the box he immediately recognized the etchings in the wood. On closer examination he discovered that details of Missy’s life were carved into the wood. He found an engraving of Missy with her cat, Judas. There was another of Mack sitting in a chair reading Dr. Seuss to her. All the family was visible in scenes worked into the sides and top: Nan and Missy making cookies, the trip to Wallowa Lake with the tram ascending the mountain, and even Missy coloring at the camp table along with an accurate representation of the ladybug pin the killer had left behind. There was even a rendering of Missy standing and smiling as she looked into the waterfall, knowing her daddy was on the other side. Interspersed throughout were flowers and animals that were Missy’s favorites.
Mack turned and hugged Jesus, and as they embraced, Jesus whispered into his ear, “Missy helped—she picked out what she wanted on it.”
Mack’s grip tightened. He couldn’t let go for a long while.
“We have the perfect place prepared for her body,” Sarayu said, sweeping past. “Mackenzie, it is in our garden.”
With great care they gently placed the remains of Missy into the box, laying her on a bed of soft grasses and moss, and then filled it full with the flowers and spices from Sarayu’s pack. Closing the lid, Jesus and Mack each easily picked up an end and carried it out, following Sarayu into the garden to the place in the orchard that Mack had helped clear. There, between cherry and peach trees, surrounded by orchids and daylilies, a hole had been dug right where Mack had uprooted the flowering shrub the day before. Papa was waiting for them. Once the crafted box was gently placed into the ground, Papa gave Mack a huge hug, which he returned in kind.
Sarayu stepped forward. “I,” she said with a flourish and bow, “am honored to sing Missy’s song, which she wrote just for this occasion.”
And she began to sing, with a voice like an autumn wind: a sound of turning leaves and forests slowly slumbering, the tones of oncoming night and a promise of new days dawning. It was the haunting tune that he had heard her and Papa humming before, and Mack now listened to his daughter’s words:
Breathe in me… deep
That I might breathe… and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give
Come kiss me, wind, and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone
And no one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each other’s arms
Except the One who blew the breath
That hides me safe from harm
Come kiss me, wind, and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone
When she finished, there was silence; and then God, all three, simultaneously said, “Amen.” Mack echoed the amen, picked up one of the shovels, and, with help from Jesus, began filling in the hole, covering the box in which Missy’s body rested.
When the task was complete, Sarayu reached within her clothing and withdrew her small, fragile bottle. From it she poured out a few drops of the precious collection into her hand and began to carefully scatter Mack’s tears onto the rich black soil under which Missy’s body slept. The droplets fell like diamonds and rubies, and wherever they landed flowers instantly burst upward and bloomed in the brilliant sun. Sarayu then paused for a moment, looking intently at one pearl resting in her hand, a special tear, and then dropped it into the center of the plot. Immediately a small tree broke through the earth and began unbending itself from the spot, young and luxurious and stunning, growing and maturing until it burst into blossom and bloom. Sarayu then, in her whispery breeze-blown way, turned and smiled at Mack, who had been watching transfixed. “It is a tree of life, Mack, growing in the garden of your heart.”
Papa came up next to him and put his arm over his shoulder. “Missy is incredible—you know that. Truly, she loves you.”
“I miss her terribly… it still hurts so much.”
“I know, Mackenzie. I know.”
It was a little after noon, by the path of the sun, when the four left the garden and reentered the cabin. There was nothing prepared in the kitchen, nor was there any food on the dining table. Instead, Papa led them all into the living room, where on the coffee table sat a glass of wine and a loaf of freshly baked bread. They all sat down except Papa, who remained standing. He directed his words to Mack.
“Mackenzie,” he began, “we have something for you to consider. While you have been with us, you have been healed much and have learned much.”
“I think that’s an understatement.” Mack chuckled.
Papa smiled. “We are especially fond of you, you know. But here is the choice for you to make. You can remain with us and continue to grow and learn, or you can return to your other home, to Nan and to your children and friends. Either way, we promise to always be with you, although this way is a little more overt and obvious.”
Mack sat back and thought about it. “What about Missy?” he asked.
“Well, if you choose to stay,” Papa continued, “you will see her this afternoon. She will come too. But if you choose to leave this place, then you will be also choosing to leave Missy behind.”
“This is not an easy choice,” Mack said with a sigh. There was silence in the room for several minutes as Papa allowed Mack the space to struggle with his own thoughts and desires. Finally, Mack asked, “What would Missy want?”
“Although she would love to be with you today, she lives where there is no impatience. She does not mind waiting.”
“I’d love to be with her.” He smiled at the thought. “But this would be so hard on Nan and my other children. Let me ask you something. Is what I do back home important? Does it matter? I really don’t do much other than working and caring for my family and friends—”
Sarayu interrupted him. “Mack, if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again.”
“Okay,” Mack said with finality. “Then I’ll go back. I don’t think anyone will ever believe my story, but if I go back I know I can make some difference, no matter how little that difference might be. There are a few things I need, uh, want to do anyway.” He paused and looked from one to the next, then grinned. “You know…”
They all laughed.
“And I really do believe that you will never leave me or abandon me, so I am not afraid to go back. Well, maybe a little.”
“That,” said Papa, “is a very good choice.” He beamed at him, sitting down next to him.
Now Sarayu stood in front of
Mack and spoke. “Mackenzie, now that you are going back, I have one more gift for you to take.”
“What is it?” Mack asked, curious about anything that Sarayu might give.
“It is for Kate,” she said.
“Kate?” exclaimed Mack, realizing that he still carried her as a burden in his heart. “Please, tell me.”
“Kate believes that she is to blame for Missy’s death.”
Mack was stunned. What Sarayu had told him was so obvious. It made perfect sense that Kate would blame herself. She had raised the paddle that started the sequence of events that led to Missy’s being taken. He couldn’t believe the thought had never even crossed his mind. In one moment, Sarayu’s words opened a new vista into Kate’s struggle.
“Thank you so much!” he told her, his heart full of gratitude. Now he had to go back for sure, even if only for Kate. She nodded and smiled and sort of sat down. Finally, Jesus stood and reached up to one of the shelves to bring down Mack’s little tin box. “Mack, I thought you might want this…”
Mack took it from Jesus and held it in his hands a moment. “Actually, I don’t think I’m going to need this anymore,” he said. “Can you keep it for me? All my best treasures are now hidden in you anyway. I want you to be my life.”
“I am,” said the clear and true voice of assurance.
Without any ritual, without ceremony, they savored the warm bread and shared the wine and laughed about the stranger moments of the weekend. He knew it was over and time for him to head back and figure out how to tell Nan about everything.
He had nothing to pack. His few belongings that had appeared in his room were gone, presumably back in his car. He changed out of his hiking attire and put on the clothes that he had come in, freshly laundered and neatly folded. As he finished dressing he grabbed his coat off a wall hook, then took one last look around his room before heading out.
The Shack Page 23
