by Faulks, Kim
He glanced at me, holding my gaze. “Dinner is served.”
I’d say anything to make them happy. Anything to lessen the sting. The truth was no boarding school could help me. Not even family could. I had a bomb inside me. A ticking bomb ready to explode. Yesterday proved that. I wasn’t safe to be around others.
“Closed adoption papers can be tricky, but it’s nothing I can’t navigate.” Leah smiled, beamed actually. “I can have you enrolled and on the first plane in a heartbeat. Naturally, we’ll be the overbearing parents.”
Dad shot her a look.
“Well, I’ll be the overbearing parent,” she corrected as Dad grabbed two plates.
Leah grabbed the last one, following as he headed for the table. I made for the refrigerator, yanking open the door as I glanced at the two empty wine glasses. “You guys need a refill?”
“I’m good,” Leah called, “And your dad is too, just you honey.”
I grabbed the juice and made for the overhead cupboard for a glass. The folder she shoved aside was still there when I turned with juice and glass in hand. The corners of white pages peeking out of the side.
There was nothing familiar about the file, just one of the thousands I’d seen her bring home. One of thousands I never cared about. I tore my gaze from the file to fill the glass and then placed the juice back into the fridge.
But this one...it wore at me like sandpaper to my skin. I reached out, flicked the cover over and stared at the black and white image of the man from my nightmare.
“What’s taking you so long?” Leah's muffled words grew louder as she came into the kitchen
She stilled, gaze sliding to the open file, and then to me.
I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. All I saw were those eyes…You’ll be a good girl, won’t you? My little sleeper cell…
“I wanted to tell you,” she murmured and took a slow step toward the counter. “We found him, Spark. It didn’t take long. The cockroaches always stay together. But we found him.”
Straps tight against my wrist. I flinched and looked down to bare skin. His breath in my ear. Palm flat against my forehead holding me down.
“He’ll never hurt another child,” she murmured moving closer…closer.
Movement behind her as Dad stepped into view. I tried to swallow, tried to speak. “You lied to me.”
“Omitted,” she murmured. “Which is just as bad. I wasn’t sure how you’d react and God knows I didn’t want to pile any more stress on you right now.”
I leaned forward, hating that my skin crawled. It was just goddamn paper…just a damn photo.
And yet, he looked like the devil himself, dressed in a black suit, greying hair flecked his temples. My pulse sped, fingers clammy and thick as I snagged the edge and pulled the folder close.
Mossman Gready, DOB: July 7th, 1975 Occupation: Psychologist.
“It begs the question, doesn’t it?” Leah murmured and stepped closer. “Why does the President feel the need to surround himself with so many damn psychologists?”
“I told you she wasn’t ready,” Dad muttered. “It’s okay, Spark.”
I scanned the long list of achievements and swallowed the acid in my throat. All the awards, all the accolades…all those kids.
“Never again,” Leah said as I closed my eyes. “It’s still not enough. It’ll never be enough.”
Tick…tick…tick…my world seemed to tilt on its axis. It was too late, it was far too late. Power coursed through me, upending the structure of my life. My hands trembled, fear fought the urgency inside.
That whisper…that cold, emotionless whisper.
You’ll be a good girl, won’t you? My little sleeper cell…
I clenched my eyes closed until my jaw shuddered with the strain. Something clicked inside me…like the ticking was desperate to stop. Like the ticking wanted me to do something…
Flashes in my head, blinding white light. Blood…so much blood. WEAPON. A man screaming, sounds consumed by the deafening distorted beat of a drum…over, and over…
“Spark?” Leah came closer, stepping around the counter…dinner all but forgotten. “Honey, are you okay?”
Flashes in my head, blinding…agony followed like a knife plunged deep. I slammed my hands to my head. Nerves paused inside…connections forged.
You’ll be a good girl, won’t you? My little sleeper cell…
It was all there…the file, his name…proof he existed. Proof they all existed.
I opened my eyes and wrenched my gaze upwards as Leah strode toward me, fear and panic in her eyes. She loved me…loved me like a mother…loved me in the only way she could. I didn’t want to hurt her…didn’t want touch her. “Get away from me.”
She stopped, flinched with the words. Panic turned to pain so fast, darkening her eyes, turning her pale skin ashen. “Spark…”
“Get away from me!” Acid in the back of my mouth.
I stumbled, leaving the juice and the open folder behind and lunged up the stairs to the front door. The storm waited, hungry like a beast.
It never went away…it never went away.
Thunder snarled through the Heavens, and a flash of light followed.
I punched my feet into the pebbled driveway, lunged over the garden and raced for the trees. Rain smacked down on the back of my head, sticking strands of hair into my eyes. I flailed my arms, clawing the air, desperate to get away from her.
I knew what the ticking wanted now.
Knew what the whispers in my head were for.
That wouldn’t happen. Not while I was alive.
Rain slipped into tears to slide warm down my cheek. Still I kept on running, ducking my head as I hit the tree line. My sneakers pounded the wet earth, losing grip as I hit the slick grass.
I slid, caught my fall and then plunged forward, through the trees and out the other side to where the grassy expanse waited. My chest burned, legs feeling like lead. The crack of thunder was savage, filling the air.
Rain smacked my eyes as I lifted my head, fists clenched, driving nails into my palms. “I fucking hate you!”
And the deep snarl echoed in response. I sucked in a breath, opened myself to the power of the beast. Opened myself to everything.
All the pain and the hate.
I’d not hurt them.
I’d not do what the ticking in my head wanted me to do.
I’d not destroy the one good thing I had in my life.
I’d destroy myself before it came to that.
A feral scream tore from my throat, burning and savaging. I screamed into the blinding glare as the lightning struck down. Power raced through the earth, grounding out. I screamed until I could scream no more. And I was nothing. Nothing but a ghost in the white.
Pitch
2014
I'm haunted by humans.
By their words, their screams...by their moans and their whispers.
Haunted by the way I’m different.
I glanced at the tattoo on the inside of my wrist as I lifted my hand and pushed the earbuds in tighter, before hitting the volume control. The sharp call of a humpback pierced my head, haunting and clicking, until the rush of her breath masked the sound.
The whale was searching. Her desperate sounds consumed me.
Like an echo I couldn’t find.
I'd have it louder if I could...turn it all the way up until I could hear no more...until my life was muted, like a song forever on pause.
The teacher stilled at the head of the classroom lifted her head to the overhead speaker, and the class room came alive. I could almost hear it, the ringing of the bell...the final sound that we were forever done.
Gormond turned in front of me, his shit-eating grin stretched wide. He still had two little black poppy seeds stuck in the middle of his teeth as he mouthed the words. Fuck yeah, we're done dude. We made it, no more school.
I smiled and nodded as the room turned into chaos. Notebooks were shredded, pens took flight. Mrs. Urne tried to ma
intain control. But she could no more control us today than she had for the last four years.
Billie crossed the walkway between our desks. Her hand warm against my cheek as she turned my face toward her and leaned down. Blonde hair brushed my hand, until her lips stole the touch away.
She tasted of strawberry lip gloss and lunchtime joints. Her tongue pushed deep, forcing my mouth to open. I grabbed her waist, holding onto belt straps of dark blue denim and pushed her away.
There was a flare of disappointment, before she turned away and launched at Kelly in the front row, and they grabbed each other and laughed, dancing all the way to the classroom door.
I’m haunted by humans. But I’m more haunted by myself. There’s this feeling of discord I have inside me, this terror that just can’t move into view enough for me to see the monster behind the mask.
Gormond motioned with his head and I reached for one earbud and pulled it free.
“We’re heading to Scott’s, you coming?”
And in a rush the world consumed me…I winced at the girl’s chatter in the hallway, the noise so loud it filled my head. “Hey, hear about Mark and Jessie?”
“Oh my God. No, tell me!”
“Helene!” A woman’s scream pierced the gossip, two blocks from here. “Helene, you come out here right this second or you’re going straight to your room.”
“Momma,” an older woman called as she unlocked a door. “Are you okay? You’re not answering the phone. Momma…Momma. Hold on…hold on I’m calling nine-one-one.”
“Jessie, I need to talk to you,” a guy called somewhere in the parking lot. I turned my head toward the window. “Hey, ummm…I was thinking, you know with me going to college and all that, we should maybe keep what we have open, just in case either of us meet someone else.”
“Wait…Mark, are you breaking up with me?” she answered.
“Hey!” Gormond jabbed my shoulder as I swallowed and pushed up from the chair. “You hear me? A heap of us—”
“I heard,” I murmured and grabbed my bag as I stood. All I wanted was that earbud…all I wanted was that sound, that perfect lonely sound. “Maybe, I’ll catch up with you.”
I caught the dangling earpiece and slipped it back into place as Gormond nodded and mouthed the words, yeah, sure dude, whatever.
He turned from me, full of adrenaline and excitement. Today was our last day, and the start of the rest of their lives.
The world was our oyster, isn’t that what people say?
But I’m haunted by humans, and it’s not just their voices, or the dreams. I’m lost in their sadness, their pain and their anger, lost in the knowing that I am not one.
I swung my pack over my shoulder as the last of my classmates jumped and wrestled out the classroom door.
Mrs. Urne looked up from her desk and gave me a smile, good luck, she murmured and then turned back to her desk. I nodded and stepped through the door, leaving that part of my life behind.
Others crammed the hallway laughing and joking as I pushed past and made for the swing doors. Metal grated on metal, I felt the vibration as I shoved and then followed the path all the way to the carpark.
Soft sobs slipped through the haunting whistles of the humpback’s song as I strode out between the parked cars. She stood there, in the middle of the carpark, gaze low, hands covering her face. Her shoulders shuddered as Jessie flinched at the sound of my steps and turned.
I looked to the ground, looked anywhere. You okay? The words hovered somewhere, but I couldn't make the sound. I couldn’t give anymore of myself.
In the distance faint sound of sirens called me.
“Momma,” the familiar woman’s voice drifted to me. “Please Momma open your eyes. The ambulance is here now. They’re here. They’re gonna help you…they’re gonna fix you. Don’t leave me. Please Momma don’t leave me.”
I grabbed the player, pressed the button, forcing it all the way up.
Drowning out the voices, just so I could breathe as I made my way across the carpark to the blue Dodge pickup parked in the corner.
Sun gleamed off the chrome, blinding me for a second, and in the glare the faint scent of ozone drifted to fill my nose. My steps stilled, gaze turning to the blinding sun in the sky.
The faint sound of thunder echoed, pulling my focus deeper until a ghostly touch caressed the nape of my neck. I reached up, yanked the earbuds from my ears and listened…really listened as the past came alive.
Beast…animal…
The girl’s voice from my past was now a woman’s. Hungry. Savage. Hurting. I lifted my gaze and turned around. Panic rose like predator inside me. I’d searched for her…all these years I’d searched for her, turning down the volume on my life to narrow in where she was…
Not safe…not safe for them…
My pulse sped at her words.
“Hey, Adrian!” Someone called my name.
The sound smothered her call. No! No…no…don’t leave. I clawed for a hold, panic rising as footsteps headed my way.
A car started somewhere behind me. The throbbing engine revving, before the vehicle lunged, tires spinning as it shot out of the parking space. Hoots and hollers followed, drowning out the last of her call.
“We gonna see you at Scott’s?”
I closed my eyes, searching…
The hand on my arm punched though the surface, severing the tie in a heartbeat. “Well, you comin’ or what?”
And I was back here…in this moment…in this life—battling my own fucking demons, my own beast. I turned, finding Ignatio’s gaze focused on me, I realized I’d been going through the motions, suffering through day after day…until I heard her again.
I shook my head and left him behind as I made for my pickup.
“Jesus Christ you’re strange, dude. Anyone ever tell you that?” he called behind me.
Strange, cold…distant. I grabbed my earbuds and slipped them back into place. I’d heard those words my entire life, heard how vacant my eyes were, how unfeeling and uncaring my words were.
My own parents didn’t talk to me now…hadn’t for a long time. I pressed the button and yanked open the driver’s door. Stacy was the only one who saw me…the only one who cared enough to try. But being my sister was hard, hard enough to want to cut yourself…and keep cutting.
Self-medicated. Self-absorbed. Self-destroying.
I poisoned everything I touched.
Beast…animal…her words lingered as I started the ignition. A tremor cut through my chest and bled outwards as I shoved the pickup into reverse and pulled out of the parking space.
I poisoned everything but her.
Everything but the girl inside the lightning.
Classmates stumbled from the path to spill between the cars as I shoved the truck into gear and shot forward.
This was the second time she’d come to me. The second time I’d heard her above everything else. My fingers trembled against the steering wheel.
I prayed she came again.
Next time I’d be ready.
Next time I’d track her with a beast of my own.
Finley
2014
“Hit,” I murmured, and watched the dealer flinch before she thumbed the card and slid it face down along the table toward me.
I leaned forward and dragged the deal toward me.
“Not me, man. I fold,” the guy to my left muttered and threw down his cards.
I glanced at the three pairs he slapped down, and then the mess of the hand I held. One ace, two queens…and a mixture of spades and clubs, that weren’t worth shit. I raised my gaze to the pile of chips in the middle of the table.
Only one guy in play now. Mr. Bigshot with his fucking necktie and steel tipped boots.
Easy now…
“I’ll see your two hundred and raise you another two.”
I fought the twitch at the corner of my lips and nodded. The bastard eye-balled me as I glanced at my hand, and it wasn’t the first time.
&nbs
p; You could always tell the idiots hyped up on Robert De Niro, with their Brooklyn fucking accent and smarmy smiles. The ones who figured it was all so goddamn easy, count the cards...take your chances...make sure your hand is goddamn flush.
I gave him a smile and then shifted my gaze to the blonde at the bar.
She stood half in the shadows and half in the light. Her grey sparkly dress catching the glare every damn time she moved. I lingered on the sweet curve of her ass as she stretched across the bar in this backroom shit hole and grabbed a glass from the bartender.
“Well, player, what’re you doing?”
The dealer called me back to the card table and the pile of notes stacked in the middle. I glanced to the clock above her and remembered the thick wad in my pocket.
Don't be greedy, keep it small. I glanced to Mr. Big shot and tried to read the tell in the corner of his eye.
It was about winning for me—that was a given, but it was about how greedy I needed to be.
I sucked in a breath and felt the end of a long night in my bones. This was the third hit tonight…the third in back door games where this time, the house didn’t always win.
But I had to be careful. Don’t want to burn enough plays to not be welcomed back…tonight, tomorrow. Hell, I didn’t even know what day it was.
The cards blurred in front of me, eyes dry, itching and raw. I sucked in a breath, and tried to set it free. But the staleness lingered, like black nicotine in my lungs.
The dealer leaned forward and lifted a hand, tapping a manicured nail on the table in front of me. “You in or out?”
In or out? The words resounded as I lifted my head. Was I in, or was I out? I licked my lips, tumbled two more bills from the wad in front of me and murmured. “Hit.”
One more…wasn’t that the fucking motto of my life? One more trick, one more hustle, one more backdoor play in darkened rooms like this.
Jesus, I felt tired.
The dealer slid the card toward me, hands were played, aces aligned…but it didn’t matter, not really. Nothing much mattered…not anymore. An ache slipped through my chest like a silent warrior.
