Leslie chewed on a fingernail.
“Do the police know about this?”
“Yes. She called them. They asked her a few questions, took her statement, and told her to go home. According to her, they didn’t seem very concerned. D.J. was known locally as a troublemaker, history of driving under the influence. She claims she heard one of them mutter, ‘Fucking streets are safer now.’ That’s all I know. Can you help?”
“I’ll try.”
We entered her private office—small, book-lined, furnished with a pine writing desk and two chairs, decorated with cute posters, plants, souvenir mugs, photo cubes. In one of the chairs sat a chubby young woman with a poor complexion. She wore a white blousy shift, brown stretch pants, and flat sandals. Her hair was long and black, blond-streaked and disheveled; her eyes, red-rimmed and puffy. When she saw me she turned away and buried her face in her hands.
Leslie said, “Carmen, this is Dr. Delaware. Dr. Delaware, Carmen Seeber.”
I sat in the other chair. “Hi, Carmen.”
“Carmen, Dr. Delaware’s a psychologist. You can talk to him.”
And with that, Leslie left the room.
The young woman kept her face hidden, didn’t move or speak. After a while, I said, “Dr. Weingarden told me about D.J. I’m very sorry.”
She started to sob, humped shoulders heaving.
“Is there anything I can do for you, Carmen? Anything you need?”
More sobs.
“I met D.J. once,” I said. “He seemed a very troubled person.”
A rush of tears.
“It must have been hard for you, living with him, all the drinking. But even so, you miss him terribly. It’s hard to believe he’s gone.”
She began swaying, clutching her face.
“Oh, God!” she cried out. “Oh, God! Oh, God, help me! Oh, God!”
I patted her shoulder. She shuddered but didn’t move away.
We sat that way for a while, she calling out for divine help, me absorbing her grief, feeding her small bites of empathy. Providing tissues and a cup of water, telling her none of it was her fault, that she’d done the best she could, no one could have done better. That it was okay to feel, okay to hurt.
Finally she looked up, wiped her nose, and said, “You’re a nice man.”
“Thank you.”
“My papa was a nice man. He ya know died.”
“I’m sorry.”
“He left a long time ago, when I was in ya know kindergarten. I came home with stuff we made for Thanksgiving—ya know paper turkeys and Pilgrim hats—and I saw them take him away in the ambulance.”
Silence.
“How old are you, Carmen?”
“Twenty.”
“You’ve dealt with a lot in twenty years.”
She smiled. “I guess so. And now Danny. He was ya know nice, too, even though he was a mean one when he drank. But deep down, nice. He didn’t ya know give me no hassles, took me places, got me ya know all kinds of stuff.”
“How long did you know each other?”
She thought. “ ’Bout two years. I was driving this catering truck—ya know, the roach wagon. Used to drive by all these ya know construction sites and Danny was working at one, framing.”
I nodded encouragement.
“He liked burritos,” she said. “Ya know meat and potato but no beans—beans made him toot which made him ya know mean. I thought he was kinda cute so I gave him freebies; the boss never knew. Then we started ya know living together.”
She gazed at me, childlike.
I smiled.
“I never, ever thought he’d really ya know do it.”
“Kill himself?”
She bobbed her head. Tears ran down her pimpled cheeks.
“Had he talked about suicide, before?”
“When he drank and got all p.o.’d, ya know, he’d go on about how ya know life sucked, it was better to be dead, ya know, he was gonna do it some day, tell everyone the f-word off. Then when he hurt his back—ya know the pain, out of work—he was real low. But I never thought …” She broke down again.
“There was no way to know, Carmen. When a person makes up his mind to kill himself, there’s no way to stop him.”
“Yeah,” she said, between gulps of air. “Ya couldn’t stop Danny when he made his mind up, that’s fer sure. He was a real hardbutt, real ya know stubborn. I tried to stop him this morning but he just kept going, like he wasn’t ya know hearing me, just all juiced and ya know shootin’ ahead like a bat out of … hell.”
“Dr. Weingarden said he talked about some bad things he’d done.”
She nodded. “He was pretty broke up. Said he was a ya know grievous sinner.”
“Do you know what he was broken up about?”
Shrug. “He used to ya know get in fights, beat people up in bars—nothing really heavy, but he did hurt some people.” She smiled. “He was little but ya know real tough. Scrappy. And he liked to smoke weed and drink, which made him real scrappy—but he was a good dude, ya know. He didn’t do nothing real bad.”
Wanting to know her support system, I asked her about family and friends.
“I don’t got no family,” she said. “Neither did Danny. And we didn’t have no ya know friends. I mean I didn’t mind but Danny didn’t like people—maybe ’cause his papa beat him up all the time and it turned him ya know angry at the world. That’s why he …”
“He what?”
“Offed him.”
“He killed his father?”
“When he was a kid—self-defense! But the cops did a number on him—they sent him to ya know CYA till he was eighteen. He got out and did his own thing but he didn’t like no friends. All he liked was me and the dogs—we got two Rottweiler mixes, Dandy and Paco. They liked him a lot. They been crying all day, going to miss him something bad.”
She cried for a long time.
“Carmen,” I said, “you’re going through hard times. It will help to have someone to talk to. I’d like to hook you up with a doctor, a psychologist like me.”
She looked up. “I could talk to you.”
“I’m … I don’t usually do this kind of work.”
She pursed her lips. “It’s the bread, right. You don’t take no Medi-Cal, right?”
“No, Carmen. I’m a child psychologist. I work with children.”
“Right, I understand,” she said with more sadness than anger. As if this were the latest injustice in a life full of them.
“The person I want to refer you to is very nice, very experienced.”
She pouted, rubbed her eyes.
“Carmen, if I talk to her about you and get you her number, will you call?”
“A her?” She shook her head violently. “No way. I don’t want no lady doctor.”
“Why’s that?”
“Danny had a lady doctor. She messed with him.”
“Messed with him?”
She spit on the floor. “Ya know ballin’ him. He always said, bullshit, Carmen, we never done it. But he’d come back from ya know seein’ her and have that ya know look in his eyes and he’d smell all of lovin’—disgustin’. I don’t want to talk about it. Don’t want no lady doctor in any case.”
“Dr. Weingarden’s a lady.”
“That’s different.”
“Dr. Small, the person I want to send you to, is different too, Carmen. She’s in her fifties, very kind, would never do anything dishonest.”
She looked unconvinced.
“Carmen, I’ve seen her myself.”
She didn’t understand.
“Carmen, she was my doctor.”
“You? What for?”
“Sometimes I need to talk too. Everyone does. Now promise me to go see her once. If you don’t like her, I’ll get you someone else.” I pulled out a card with my exchange number on it and gave it to her.
She closed one hand over it.
“I just don’t think it’s right,” she said.
“What isn�
�t?”
“Her balling him. A doctor should, ya know, know better.”
“You’re absolutely right.”
That surprised her, as if it were the first time anyone had ever agreed with her.
“Some doctors shouldn’t be doctors,” I said.
“I mean,” she said, “I could sue or something.”
“No one to sue, Carmen. If you’re talking about Dr. Ransom, she’s dead. She killed herself too.”
Her hand flew to her mouth. “Oh, my God, I didn’t … I mean, I ya know wished it to happen, but I didn’t … Now it’s … oh, my God.”
She crossed herself, squeezed her temples, stared at the ceiling.
“Carmen, none of this is your fault. You’re a victim.”
She shook her head.
“A victim. I want you to understand that.”
“I—I don’t understand nothing.” Tears. “This is all too ya know … too … I don’t understand it.”
I leaned forward, smelled her anguish. “Carmen, I’ll stay here with you as long as you need me to. All right? All right, Carmen?”
Nod.
A half hour passed before she’d composed herself, and when she dried her eyes she seemed to have regained some dignity as well.
“You’re very nice,” she said. “I’m okay. You can go now.”
“What about Dr. Small—the therapist I want you to see?”
“I dunno.”
“Just one time.”
Wan smile. “Okay.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
I took her hand, held it for a moment, then went to the front desk and told Bea to watch her. I used a phone in an empty examining room to call Ada. The operator at her service told me she was about to go into session.
“It’s an emergency,” I said, and was patched through.
“Alex,” said Ada. “What’s wrong?”
“I’ve got a young woman in crisis that I’d like you to see as soon as possible. It’s not a choice referral, Ada—she’s on Medi-Cal and is anything but insightful. But when I tell you the details I think you’ll agree it’s important that she be seen.”
“Tell me.”
When I was through, she said, “How terrible. You were right to call, Alex. I can stay and see her at seven. Can she get here by then?”
“I’ll see that she does. Thanks so much, Ada.”
“My pleasure, Alex. I’ve got a patient waiting, so I can’t linger.”
“I understand. Thanks again.”
“No problem. I’ll call you after I’ve seen her.”
I went back to the private office and gave the number to Carmen.
“It’s all arranged,” I said. “Dr. Small will see you at seven tonight.”
“Okay.”
I squeezed her hand and left, caught Leslie between examining rooms, and told her what I’d arranged.
“How’s she look to you?” she asked.
“Pretty fragile and she’s still cushioned by shock. The next few days could get really bad. She doesn’t have any support system. It’s really important for her to be seeing someone.”
“Makes sense. Where’s this therapist’s office?”
“Brentwood. San Vicente near Barrington.” I gave her the address and the time of the appointment.
“Perfect. I live in Santa Monica. I’ll be leaving the office around six-thirty. I’ll take her there myself. Until then, we’ll babysit her.” A moment’s hesitation. “This person you’re referring to is good?”
“The best. I’ve seen her myself.”
That bit of self-disclosure had reassured Carmen but it irritated her doctor.
“California honesty,” she said. Then: “Jesus, I’m sorry. You’ve really been nice, coming here on no notice—it’s just that I’ve become a total cynic. I know it’s not healthy. I’ve got to get myself to where I can trust people again.”
“It’s tough,” I said, thinking of my own crumbling sense of trust.
She fiddled with an earring. “Listen, I really do want to thank you for coming down here. Tell me what your fee is and I’ll write a check right now.”
“Forget it,” I said.
“No, I insist. I like to pay as I go.”
“No way, Leslie. I never expected to get paid.”
“You’re sure? I just want you to know I’m not into exploitation.”
“I never suspected you were.”
She looked uncomfortable. Removed her stethoscope and passed it from hand to hand.
“I know the first time you were here I sounded pretty mercenary, just out for myself. All I can say is, that’s really not me. I did want to call those patients, kept batting it back and forth in my mind. I don’t blame myself for Rasmussen’s death—he was a time bomb. It was only a matter of when. But it has made me realize I have to take responsibility, start acting like a physician. When I left you with Carmen, I went to the phone and started calling. I got through to a couple of the women. They sounded okay, said their men are okay, too, which I hope is true. Actually, it went better than I thought—they were less hostile than the first time. Maybe I got through, I don’t know. But at least I made contact. I’ll try until I reach all of them, let the darned chips fall where they may.”
“For what it’s worth, you’re doing the right thing.”
“It’s worth plenty,” she said, with sudden intensity. Then she looked embarrassed and glanced at the door of one of the examining rooms. “Well, I’ve got to be going, try to hang on to the patients I have. Thanks again.”
Hesitation.
She stood on tiptoes, kissed me on the cheek. Caught by surprise, I moved my head and our lips brushed.
“That was stupid,” she said.
Before I could tell her it hadn’t been, she went in to see her next patient.
Chapter
18
It was close to five by the time I reached the University. The psych building was emptying and only one secretary remained in the department office. I headed straight for the faculty roster and thumbed through it without her commenting. Maybe it was the corduroy jacket. Kruse was already listed in the directory as chairman; his office number was 4302. I took note of his home address—same place in Pacific Palisades.
I ran up the four flights, aware, suddenly, that my energy had returned; for the first time in a long while I felt imbued with purpose, righteous with anger.
Nothing like an enemy to cleanse one’s soul.
His office was at the end of a long white hall. Carved mahogany double doors had replaced the usual departmental plywood. The floor in front of the doorway was tarped with sawdust-coated canvas. From inside came the sound of sawing and banging.
The doors were unlocked. I walked into an outer office and found workmen laying parquet tile and hammering in mahogany molding, others on ladders painting the walls a rich, glossy burgundy. Brass wall sconces instead of overhead fluorescence, a leather armchair still wrapped in plastic. The air smelled of scorched wood and glue and paint. A transistor radio on the floor blared out country music.
One of the workmen saw me, turned off his skill-saw, and stepped down from his footstool. He was in his late twenties, medium-sized but burly, with enormous shoulders. A bandanna flowed out of the rear pocket of his filthy jeans and he wore a bent-visored baseball cap over black curly hair. His black beard was whitened by dust, as were his hairy Popeye arms. His utility belt was crammed with tools and rode low on narrow hips, clanking, as he swaggered over.
“Professor Kruse?” he said in a high, boyish voice.
“No, I’m looking for him.”
“Damn, aren’t we all. You know where he can be reached, tell him to get over here, pronto. Some fixtures came in that don’t match the specs. I don’t know if they changed their mind again or what, but we can’t go much further till someone clears it up, and the boss is out of the office, scoping another job.”
I said, “When’s the last time you saw him?”
He pulled out the bandanna and wiped his face.
“Last week, when we were laying out the plans, doing the rough work and the bathroom. We didn’t come back till yesterday, ’cause the materials weren’t in. Everyone was getting bent out of shape ’cause this was supposed to be a rush job. Now there’re other problems. They keep changing their minds about what they want.”
“Who’s they?”
“Kruse and his wife. She was supposed to meet us an hour ago and go over everything, but she never showed. They’re not answering their phone, either. The boss comes back from Palm Springs he’s gonna be steamed, but I don’t know what the hell we’re supposed to do without the client showing up.”
“You don’t work for the University?”
“Us? Hell, no. Chalmers Interiors, Pasadena. This is a custom job—retile the bathroom, coffered ceiling in the big office, lots of wood, antique furniture, Persian rugs, fake fireplace with a marble mantel.” He rubbed his fore-finger against his thumb. “Big money.”
“Who’s paying?”
“They are—the Kruses. Cost plus, by the hour. You’d think they’d show up.”
“You’d think.”
He stuffed the bandanna back in his pocket. “Easy come, easy go, huh? Didn’t know professors did so good. You one, too?”
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