Roger points at me. “That right there? Those thoughts spinning around that hamster wheel in your head? Shut it all down and just think about how much you love her.” He puts his arm around me and pats my back. “You’ve got this, mate.” He steps away.
“How?”
He turns back around. “Do you love her?”
I push past the lump in my throat to answer him. “More than words could ever begin to describe.”
He smiles. “That’s how. You have to love her more than you hate them.” He pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and packs them on his wrist. “Of any man I’ve ever met, you’ve got this. Now quit stalling. She needs you.”
“Nowhere near as much as I need her,” I reply.
He’s right. My love for her surpasses my desire for vengeance. I’ve been praying to have her back in my arms, for even a second, and now she’s twenty meters from me and I stand here like a ninny. Not wasting another second, I run to her and take her into my arms. The moment I envelop her, my bloodthirst dissolves, and all I feel is pure adoration for this woman. Abandoning my pride, my tears fall as I hold her. I should let her be—her battered body needs rest—but I can’t help myself. No matter how tight my embrace, I can’t get close enough. I’m never letting her go again. When she’s in my arms, I feel that connection spark between us. The part of me that has felt disjointed since the day she disappeared quickly snaps back into place. I finally feel whole again.
I knew I loved Lily. When I thought I’d lost her, I thought I understood the depth of my love. But it’s become clear to me that I haven’t even begun to understand the complexity of my feelings for her. I haven’t even scratched the surface.
During the drive back, her body trembles so hard, I worry she’s gone into shock. How could she not after what she’s been through? I’ve been in that place where the glacial chill of terror invades your cells to the point it burns like frostbite. So I pull her closer, hoping my warmth will remind her she’s safe. Over the last few days, there’re been so many things I lamented never telling her, all the bottled up things I thought I’d have time to share. Embracing my second chance, I let the words flow, not letting pride, fear, or insecurity hold anything back. I know she’s probably not internalizing a word I’m saying, but I hope that on some subconscious level, she hears me and that, as she fights the war of emotions inside her head, she knows she’s loved.
I hate moving her when we arrive at Hampstead, but I need to clean her up and examine her. She’s obviously dehydrated and hasn’t eaten in days, but that’s an easy remedy. She was rescued before she was in any real danger. The bruises and cuts on her face, whilst painful, are superficial. But the emotional damage is far worse that the physical.
Once I get her to the loo, I remove her clothes and look over the rest of her body. Not wanting her to feel like a lab specimen, I move as quickly as I can. Once I’ve checked her out, I place her in the warm tub and wash away the blood and dirt. I run a soft sponge over her marred skin, trying to be as gentle as possible.
When I get to her legs, my heart seizes, and all the oxygen vacates my lungs. I didn’t notice earlier because of the way she was sitting, but now that I’m cleaning her, I can see the deep purple bruises on the insides of her thighs. Fingermarks. Bruises that could have only been formed by someone prying her legs apart. I turn my head and focus on wringing out the sponge, anything to shield her from the storm brewing inside me. I want to scream, to break something, to hunt them down and slaughter them. I want to find a way to go back in time and save her, but I can’t do a bloody thing!
Images of what could have happened to her flitter through my mind, and I feel as though I’m going to burst. I try to push away the thoughts and focus on her, but I can’t stop picturing what she’s been through. My poor Lily! She must have been so scared. She must have felt alone, completely abandoned. I bite my lip and stifle the screams of anguish begging to be released.
Something inside Lily shifts. Her demeanor changes from anguish to fury. Using the loofa, she scrubs at herself so harshly, I worry she’s going to scrape away her skin. I call softly to her several times, but she’s so lost in her thoughts, she doesn’t hear me. I have to go as far as prying the loofa from her hands to get her to stop.
As she weeps, her frail shoulders shudder, shaking her tiny body. I thought I felt helpless whilst she was missing, but that was nothing in comparison to how impotent I feel as she lies in my arms with her soul splintered and spirit fractured, her body convulsing with despair and heartache. My eyes catch her gaze, and for perhaps the first time since I got her back, I see how broken she feels. I need to find a way to put aside my own grief and be strong for her. The only thing I can think of is to hold her close as we weather this storm together, so I get in the tub behind her, not only to support her but so she can’t see my tears.
My Lily is a warrior, never backing down from any fight with any opponent, but even warriors are mortal, and I fear that she’s reached her breaking point. Her whole life has been one tragedy after another, and she’s handled them all with such grace and gumption. How much can one person withstand before they fall apart? I want to somehow glue her shattered pieces back together and make her whole, but this isn’t something I can fix.
For days I prayed she’d come back to me, but now that she’s here, I realize that though her body is in my arms, my Lily is still lost, and only she can decide when she’s ready to be found. After being subjected to so much misery, she could easily let the darkness engulf her. Coming back from this will be an uphill battle every day. Will she have enough strength to fight? Will I lose her forever?
Once I finally get her out of the tub and into bed, her sobs wane and her body settles down. After I get her tucked in, I strip off my wet clothes.
After throwing on a pair of jeans, I say, “I’m worried that you’re severely dehydrated. I’m going to put an IV with saline and antibiotics in. Is that okay?”
She pulls the covers closer to her and nods. Mason was kind enough to bring up my medical kit. I technically shouldn’t have many of the medical supplies I have, but since Edwards sponsors Doctors Without Borders and the Red Cross, I’ve pilfered a few things here and there for emergencies. She doesn’t flinch at all when I insert the IV. I can’t tell if it’s because I haven’t lost my touch or if she’s just too numb to notice. Once I have the IV in, I take a few vials of blood and drop them in a specimen bag.
“I understand that you want to avoid the hospital. I’m going to send these to Alex so he can send them to the lab, just to make sure we’re not missing anything.” Since seeing the bruises on her thighs, my imagination has run nonstop, picturing the horrible ways she could have been violated and praying that I’m wrong. I know she isn’t ready, but I have to ask her. “Luv, before I send this off, I need to ask you something. No matter how you answer, I promise everything will be okay. Should I run an STD panel? A pregnancy test?”
She pinches her eyes closed and nods, and my heart shatters.
“Luv, I think we should go to the hospital then, have you checked out by a gynecologist. Or I can make a few calls and see if someone can make a house call.”
She shakes her head. “No doctors. I need an STD panel, but I don’t need a pregnancy test. I… I… I wasn’t raped exactly, but fluids got on me. I should be tested.”
If only I could read her mind, perhaps I’d have a better sense of how to help her. But she’ll talk when she’s ready. Until then, all I can do is hold her. I climb into bed behind her, and my fingertips graze her stomach. Her whole body goes rigid, and my heart breaks. Quickly retracting my hand, I study her face, and all I see is fear. Never has she been scared of me, but my touch brought her back to that horrible place, and it guts me. How can I make her feel safe and protected if I remind her of that horror? My hand hovers over her; I don’t know where I can touch her that will be safe. I let my head hit the pillow and run my fingers through her hair. That’s always relaxed her in the past, and I pray i
t does now. Her face softens, and I breathe again. We lay there in the quiet for hours, unable to sleep and having no idea what to say.
When it’s close to dawn, her raspy voice breaks the silence. “I’m sorry about earlier.”
I kiss the top of her head. “Don’t ever apologize to me. You have nothing to be sorry for.”
She sits up and looks around. “Can you get me some water?”
“Of course.” Scooting out of bed, I grab two bottles of water from the dresser and open the cap on hers.
She takes a long sip.
“Go slow,” I warn.
She puts the top back on her bottle. “I feel like a disaster, like there should be orange cones and flashing lights around me. ‘Do not approach without a hazmat suit.’ My thoughts and emotions are one big contradictory mess. It might be wise for you to get out now.”
I know she’s trying to make light of things—that’s her go-to move—but it pisses me off. “Stop. Don’t ever say shite like that.”
She sits up a little straighter and folds her legs underneath her. “All I’m saying is that no one would blame you for jumping off the crazy train while you can.”
Frustrated as hell, I run my fingers through my hair. In typical Lily fashion, she’s pushing me away, waiting for me to abandon her. That’s what people have always done to her, run away like cowards the moment she needed them.
When her parents died, no one wanted her. Her godparents wouldn’t take her in. Family friends that she thought would do anything for her didn’t want to disrupt their lives. She was discarded and neglected by everyone, leaving her feeling cast aside. Her husband, the man who promised to love and cherish her, made her feel insignificant and unworthy. Why should she have any faith that someone would stand by her and support her regardless of the circumstance? No one has ever shown that love to her, and thus she thinks she’s deserves no more than the scraps of love people have given her. After a lifetime of rejection, she runs away from any scenario that might tempt her to let someone in, to need someone. That ends now.
She peels the label off of her water bottle, something she does when she’s nervous.
I tip her chin up with my finger, forcing her to meet my eyes. “The moment I met you, I knew you would change my life. I didn’t know how or why, but when I saw you in that police station, I knew my life would never be the same. When I finally realized I loved you, I knew I’d never love another woman for the rest of my life. You’re it for me. Everything changed once you came into my life. It was like the world was slightly off balance, and you tipped the scales, bringing everything into focus.”
She smiles sweetly.
“Then I thought I’d lost you forever, and the world stopped.”
Her smile fades, and her shoulders slump. I know bringing this up must be painful for her, but this must be said.
“When you were gone, everything felt wrong. I felt alien within my own skin. Air didn’t fill my lungs the same way. The sun no longer felt warm. Friends, work, none of it made any sense. I no longer fit in this life because you weren’t here to share it with me. When I tell you that you will never be alone, it isn’t just for you. I can’t function in this life without you by my side. You are my other half, the missing piece that brings everything together, that makes this messed up world finally make sense.
“When I saw the scene in my flat, I thought that was you. Since then, I’ve been haunted by all the words I never said, all the thoughts I never expressed, all the things I never shared. Having you back is a precious gift that I will not squander. I know you’re fiercely independent and despise fuss being made over you, but I don’t bloody care. Get used to it, because I’m going to spend every day showing you the depth and breadth of my love for you. No amount of temper tantrums, pushing me away, or your attempts at self-sabotage will stop me. Stop planning my exit, because there won’t be one. Stop giving me outs. I won’t take them. I’m never leaving you.”
She looks away, trying to hide the tears streaming down her face. “You don’t know that. You don’t know what I’ve done.”
I tilt her face toward me and wipe her tears with my thumbs. “Do you think any of that matters to me? No matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter what happens, I will love you. I’ll be by your side because I know now more than ever that the only way we’ll make it through this life is if we do it together. I’ve had a taste of life without you, and I never want to go through that again. I can’t. I won’t. You just have to let me in.”
Her head falls onto my chest, and she clings to me for the rest of the night. I think I feel her walls start to come down, but only time will tell if she’s truly ready to let me in.
Chapter Twenty
Gavin
Sometime after dawn, Lily finally falls asleep. As tired as I am, I can’t sleep. I’m afraid if I close my eyes, I might wake up and realize this has all been a dream and she’s still gone. I spend the night watching her, soaking in the vision I never thought I’d see again. Just one look at her takes my breath away. She’s bruised and battered but still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
I think I fell in love with her the first moment I saw her. Since then, our relationship has been an endless battle against fate, being pulled together then ripped apart. Being with Lily has never been easy, yet it’s the most natural thing I’ve ever experienced. Loving her is easier than breathing. Every moment of it has been worth it. Even the excruciating pain of the last few days. I’d suffer through it all over again just to be here with her now.
The faintest knock on the door snaps me out of my head. I slip out of the bed, careful not to wake Lily, and step into my trousers. Opening the door, I see Max leaning against the doorjamb, his head resting on his arm and his eyes closed.
I’m wondering if he’s actually asleep on his feet when he asks, “How is she?”
“Finally asleep,” I reply, leaning against the doorframe.
He lifts his head. The bags under his eyes are so prominent, he looks as though he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. “Did she talk about it yet?”
Stepping into the hall then closing the door, I shake my head. “No, but I didn’t expect her to. This is Lily we’re talking about. She’ll talk when she’s ready, and she’s most certainly not ready.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He steps back and rests his head on the wall, closing his eyes. “Isn’t it funny that we’ve all been looking for her, tearing the world apart to find her, with the best connections and most sophisticated technology, and she’s the one to call and tell us where she is?”
“We were fools to expect anything less.” I nod toward his room “You should go to bed. You look knackered.”
“I am. I was at the scene all night working with the MI5 team. Oh, BTW, we told them about everything except the extra cartel guy. Richard got him out of there real quick, and we’re keeping that tidbit to ourselves.”
I lean against the wall with my foot flat on it to steady myself. “I’ll be sure to let Lily know. I’m sure MI5’ll be around to question her soon.”
He nods. “Your pal Leo said they’d give her a day or two before they came by. He’s been a huge help actually. He and I spent some time on the phone with Sully and Greene. The US has the best chance of actually nailing these guys, so we’re hoping with everything that just happened, whoever is gunking up the works will back down. There’s no way this case gets bounced this time.” He taps the heel of his hand on his forehead. “I forgot the reason I came up here. Nigel needs to see you. I thought I could stay with her while you go down.”
Remembering the comments he made when he was sloshed, I take pause.
“Dude, she really shouldn’t be alone right now,” he says.
I glare at him. “I’m aware of that.”
He tosses his hands in the air. “So let me sit with her while you sort things out with Nigel. You’re not the only one who can protect her, you know.”
“It’s not that. I promised her I wouldn�
�t leave her. I don’t want her to wake up and for me to gone.”
He moves past me and puts his hand on the doorknob. “It’ll be fine. It’s not like you’re out gallivanting around. You’re down-fucking-stairs. I’ll call you the second she stirs.”
Looking at my watch, I see she really hasn’t been asleep for that long. “Okay, just let me check her IV before I go.” Taking care not to wake her, I check her IV and take her pulse, then grab the blood samples I took last night. Quietly as I can, I sneak out the door and meet Max in the hallway. “Just ring me if you see anything out of the ordinary—tremors, shaking. With how dehydrated she is, seizures are a real possibility.”
He salutes me. “Sure thing, Doc.”
Reluctantly, I jog downstairs to find Nigel. He and Roger are in the kitchen. Roger’s typing away on his laptop whilst Nigel’s leaning against the center island with Mason.
“Morning,” I say, making the three look up from their nosh.
“Good afternoon,” Mason replies. He pours a cuppa and pushes it toward me. “How’s Lily?”
“Sleeping, for now.” I hand Mason the bag with the blood samples I collected. “Could you take this to Alex’s office for me? I’ve written a note with the orders in there. If you could ask him to rush the results, please. Also, he’ll give you a portable EKG machine I’m going to borrow so that we can monitor Lily’s heart.”
“Of course. I was just about to take Hazel to the shops. She wants to have Lily’s favorites in the house.” He points with his free hand. “Eat something. You won’t do Lily any good if you’re both run into the ground.”
When Fates Align Page 14
