by Prenisha Aja
I hopped up from the chair that I was sitting in and went over to Brynlee. I leaned down and kissed her on the cheek and grabbed her hands. “I told you. I knew yo’ ass was pregnant.”
I was excited as fuck. I knew that Brynlee had wanted this, so I was more so happy for her but when I looked at Brynlee, she didn’t have a smile. Her face actually looked like all the color had been drained from her body. She was pale and wore a blank expression.
“What’s wrong babe? You’re not happy. You’re fucking pregnant,” I exclaimed.
She looked at me, gave me a forced smile but never answered my question. She diverted her attention back to the doctor.
“Can you explain the bleeding? I’m asking because I’ve had so many miscarriages that things like that terrify me.” Brynlee twiddled with her fingers as she exhaled deeply.
“Yes, I understand how that might scare you. A lot of women can suffer from bleeding in the beginning of their pregnancy for many different reasons. However, all your tests came back just fine. From the test we took, you should be about two months. Give or take.”
“Two months!” Brynlee looked at her with shock as her mouth fell to the floor.
“Yes,” the doctor chuckled. “However, I suggest you set an appointment with your primary doctor, so they can give you an ultrasound and make sure that the baby is healthy and doing great. They will also be able to give you a better estimate,” she added.
We then asked her a few more questions before she left out, leaving Brynlee to get dressed. I sat back down in the chair and watched her move around the room, like a slug. Her shoulders were hunched over, and I just imagined her in a way better mood than this. I figured she would be happier.
“Yo, what’s up with you?” I rubbed my hand across my chin, as I leaned more so to the left, with my arm propped up on the arm of the chair.
“Huh, what you mean?” She turned with a confused expression as she pulled her pants up and buttoned them.
One thing about me was I picked up off vibes and shit. I could peep shit that people thought they were hiding, and I knew that something was off with Brynlee.
I got up out of the chair and walked over to where she stood in the corner of the hospital room. I towered over her and just looked deep into her eyes. If she couldn’t look me back in my eyes when I asked her what I was about to ask her, then I knew that something was up. She wasn’t telling me something and I didn’t like that shit. I was a big believer that communication was key and without it, relationships would fail.
“Are you not happy about being pregnant Brynlee?”
Doing exactly what I knew she would, she stared at me for a few seconds before she moved her head to the side and stared at the posters that decorated the room in the hospital.
“Yes, I’m happy,” she replied, now looking down at the floor when my face was not down there. That shit was actually disrespectful.
“Oh, so now you are lying and shit to me,” I backed back.
Brynlee quickly shot her eyes in my direction and squinted her eyes and tilted her head to the side, I guess trying to read my vibe and see where I was headed with this.
“What?” She scrunched her face up.
“You heard me Brynlee. You acting really funny and I wouldn’t expect this from someone who was just crying almost a month ago, wondering what the fuck was wrong with her and why she couldn’t carry a baby, and here yo’ ass is, pregnant and dry as fuck about it,” I expressed, shaking my head because I didn’t get the shit. I swear women were complicated as fuck.
With her mouth open wide, she jerked her head back and began snaking her neck, which I knew was probably going to be followed by some harsh shit.
“The nerve of you to fucking say that. You don’t know what the fuck you are talking about. So please don’t speak on it, if you don’t know what the hell you are talking about. Stay over there and let me worry about my body, my pregnancy and my problems,” she spat.
Chuckling, I shook my head as I pressed my lips together. I see where she was going with this. Since that’s how she felt, I was going to do just that. I didn’t know what type of stick she had up her ass, but I wasn’t entertaining it.
Once we had the discharge papers, we left out the hospital and I didn’t say nothing to her, and she didn’t say shit to me. I felt like being that I was the nigga that had been having her back no matter what, she shouldn’t have had this type of energy with me. I had been one hundred with her and had she had this same energy with Troy’s bitch ass then she wouldn’t have gotten hurt, but it was cool.
Walking to my car, I still opened her door for her because I wasn’t going to disrespect her just because we were having a little issue, but I did know I wanted to be one deep.
As I drove, I didn’t drive us to my house; instead, I took her straight to her parents’ shit. Maybe with the time apart she could get her mind right and when she came at me, she would come at me correct and be ready to talk like a woman and with less attitude.
“What are you doing?” she questioned me once we pulled up in front of her people’s crib.
“I figured you needed some time to get your mind right and when I come and pick you up tomorrow, you’ll be in a better mood and ready to talk to me, the correct way,” I let her know.
I was never that type of nigga. If I respected her and treated her right, then she was going to have to come at me the same way. That was just what it was. Especially after accepting all the shit that I had, knowing that I didn’t have to. I was fucking Sawyer McKnight, the hottest rapper in Houston, Texas. At least that was how I felt. Hoes damn near melted in my presence and I could have any one of them, so Brynlee needed to understand, I wanted her. I chose her but I didn’t choose the person she was giving me.
“What? You trippin’,” she said with attitude as she ran her hands through her hair.
“Nah, I ain’t. What did you tell me in the hospital, let you worry about your pregnancy and your body, right? Like we not in this shit together.” I side-eyed her and all she could do was twist her mouth up, cross her arms and of course, give more attitude.
“Whatever Sawyer, bye.” She shot back, climbing out of my car and slamming my door in the process.
I threw my car in park, hopped out and within a few strides, I was right behind her. I quickly grabbed her arm and swung her around. I wasn’t too aggressive but rough enough to let her know I wasn’t the one and I wasn’t playing with her.
“Look, make sure when I pick your ass up tomorrow, this lil’ attitude you got is gone. Real shit Brynlee,” I ordered as I wore a scowl, disappointed in the girl that was standing in front of me.
“Whatever.” She jerked away from me. I watched her walk into the house. I then headed to my car and made my way home.
Brynlee
Lying in bed, I had gotten little to no sleep because my mind kept wandering or I was having to rush to the bathroom. Never have I ever been this sick before during one of my pregnancies.
As I laid in my bed, I continued to try to calculate the dates and figure out who I was pregnant by. I probably had slept with both men, maybe a week or two apart. So, it was going to be hard to tell who the father was.
I hated being so mean to Sawyer, but I was stressed out and in a fucked up situation. How would I even explain this to him? Also, how in the fuck was he going to react? He couldn’t be mad due to the circumstances, or could he?
It pained me to even think about it. It made my stomach turn. It had me feeling like I wanted to cry. I swear I wanted to sit and have a talk with God because my life right now was a joke.
I was once a girl who had all her shit together, and now look. My life reminded me of shit that bitches in the hood got judged for. Bitches was labeled hoes when they didn’t know who the father of their child was.
“Oh my god, I’m a hoe,” I whimpered to myself, running my hands over my face as I closed my eyes.
Like, I guess my life just couldn’t be ruined by the fact that Troy had cheat
ed on me and had a baby. I also had to be hit with the fact that I was pregnant and didn’t know who the hell my child’s father was; talk about some fucked up shit.
Oh, and let’s not forget, I’m back in Texas with the same guy I had no business sleeping with anyways due to the fact that I was fresh out of a relationship. But it had happened, and I couldn’t deny the feelings that I had for Sawyer. Him as a whole was something every woman deserved to experience once in their lifetime.
The feelings that I had for Sawyer were starting to develop into some really strong ones. So strong that I was feeling sick to my stomach, knowing he was upset with me. It was just hard for me to express to him what I was feeling. I guess because I didn’t know how to. Anytime Troy and I would try to talk and fix things, it only made it worse, so that probably was why I always became so defensive.
I didn’t want to be like that with Sawyer though. I wanted to be better than the person I was in New York.
As I laid on my back, I rubbed my stomach, with hopes that it would ease the queasy feeling that I felt. I mean, there couldn’t be anything else left for me to throw up.
However, on the good side, I had to count my blessings. Did I know if I would make it to full term? No. Yes, I was scared because unless you’ve personally been through what I’ve gone through, you could never understand the constant pain that I was steady being slapped in the face with. It was like a dagger to the heart. It felt worse than being cheated on or broken up with.
Sitting up, I closed my eyes and I began to pray hard. I had to admit, I hadn’t been praying like I used to because to be honest, I felt God had failed me.
I placed my hands on my stomach and prayed. As I prayed, it was like a calmness took over me. The realization that God hadn’t failed me yet set in.
As crazy as it might sound, I felt like I wasn’t being blessed with a child by Troy because that wasn’t where I was supposed to be. God’s will was everything, and He would break you in order to try to get you to open your eyes and see clearer. I could see now, and I swear there was no turning back. Sawyer was my saving grace.
Hearing my phone ring, I popped my eyes open and reached for it. I scrunched my face up and wondered who was calling, but I answered it anyways.
“Hello, you have a collect call from Troy. If you would like to accept this one free call, press the number one, or to deny just hang up.” I listened to the automatic call as I debated on what to do.
It’s not that I wanted to talk to him, but more so about getting closure. Yeah, why did I need closure? It was something I didn’t feel like I needed but I wanted it. I also wanted to rub in his face that I was happy.
Pressing the number one, the phone was silent for a second and then he finally said something.
“Brynlee, baby, I swear to God, I’m truly sorry,” he whined into the phone, sounding like his world had ended.
But I didn’t get on the phone with him to hear that or to have pity for someone who was willing to pull a gun on me and possibly kill me.
“I’m not your baby and I don’t care to hear your apologies. The only reason why I answered this call, is to get closure. That’s it, that’s all,” I explained.
“Brynlee, come on, don’t be like that. You know I love you and I would have never hurt you.”
“Troy, I don’t know that. That night, I didn’t know the guy that was staring me down, with a gun pointed. Just like I didn’t know the guy who had hit me and said those harsh things. Oh, and don’t let me forget, I didn’t know the guy who fucking cheated on me and got a whole bitch pregnant. I just want to know, why? What made you do all those things? Did you not love me? Was I not enough? Were you tired of me letting you down by not being able to carry your children?”
The phone grew silent and it angered me because I wanted him to fucking answer me. I wanted him to tell me what was wrong with me. What was it that I lacked?
“Answer me Troy, fuck.” I was angry and my hand shook as I held the phone to my ear.
“Brynlee, it wasn’t you, ok. It was me. I was battling with my own personal demons and depression. You think you were the only person hurting. That you were the only person feeling like they were lacking. Fuck, I was blaming myself too. Like maybe I was doing something wrong. But see, you were the easiest person to express that to. I couldn’t talk to you.” He paused.
“You want to know why I couldn’t talk to you? Your attitude. You always snapped when you were dealing with something instead of coming to me and talking to me about the shit. Working through it together. It was like you always wanted to deal with that shit alone, so I allowed you to. Biggest mistake of my life.” His voice echoed off and I sat there with tears raining out of my eyes.
Listening to him express himself and also hitting the nail right on the head had me emotional. It also had me thinking about me and Sawyer, because I was doing the same shit to him that I had done to Troy. It was like hearing him not only brought me the closure I needed but it helped me to open my eyes to my own flaws.
“I wasn’t trying to be like that,” was all I could say to him because during those battles, I was only thinking about myself. It felt like I was going through an emotional tornado and I guess I was tearing and ripping up everyone in my path.
“Well you were.”
“Well Troy, I hope that you are able to look past that and heal, just like I’m having to do. I don’t know where your future is headed, but I know I don’t see you nowhere in mine. Thank you for answering my questions.”
“Brynlee, we can work this out, we stronger than this,” he was still pleading, and it was like he couldn’t understand there was too much fucking damage already done. I would never be able to forgive him for the shit that he had done, said, and the child he had on me.
“No, we can’t. I don’t want you. I’m happy with Sawyer,” I let him know.
“What the fuck you say?” he asked, and just that fast he went from sounding sad to angry.
“I’m happy with Sawyer.”
“You fucking bitch. You a fucking hoe man,” he began to yell into the phone, and this was now above me.
I was not dealing with his disrespect, so I hung up the phone and blocked the number. Troy was now a thing of the past. I was happy that I answered his call because now I knew I needed to call my man and apologize to him for my behavior.
I got out of bed and went into the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, washed my face and brushed my hair into a low ponytail. As I stood there, I twisted from side to side to see if I could see any extra fat that I had gained.
Finally noticing what I had been trying to deny when I looked in Sawyer’s mirror, I definitely had a little pudge.
Once I was dressed, I grabbed the keys to my own car, that I could have been driving instead of Sawyer’s, and headed to his house. I wasn’t calling him. I was just going to pop up over there and talk to him.
“Morning baby.” My mother smiled at me as she sat in her chair, sipping on some coffee.
“Morning Ma..” I turned and smiled back.
“Where are you headed to this early?” she asked me, sitting her coffee down on the table beside her as she sat up a little.
“Over to Sawyer’s, I need to talk to him,” I let her know, and she slowly nodded her head up and down.
“Ok, sweetheart. I’ll see you later. Will you be home for dinner?” she questioned, and I shook my head no and turned to walk away.
“Oh, and baby girl, you look cute, you all glowing and stuff,” she shot out, and I froze because I hadn’t told my mother anything about being pregnant.
I wanted to wait a little bit longer. I didn’t want to get other people’s hopes up, just for them to be let down, like I had been countless times before.
Fiddling with my keys in my hand, I turned around and gave her a faint smile then mouthed, thank you. I then quickly turned around and left out the house, avoiding the conversation getting any deeper.
I got into my car and started it, but before driving off, I t
ook a deep breath, closed my eyes and just had a moment to calm my nerves.
Putting my car in drive, I headed over to Sawyer’s place. I was actually missing him a lot. I had been staying most nights with him, so being at home alone in bed, was kind of weird.
Finally pulling up to the big iron gate that surrounded his big pretty house, I realized I wouldn’t be able to get in. Sawyer had it to where the only way you could enter was if you had a key card or if he buzzed you in.
Huffing because I kind of wanted to surprise him, I pulled out my phone and called his number.
“What’s up?” he dryly asked me.
“Hmm, I’m at the gate. Can you buzz me in?” I asked him nicely, making sure I didn’t give him any attitude.
“I’m not home right now. I’m at the studio but my lil’ housekeeper is there. I’ll have her buzz you in,” he let me know as my face turned upside down. I didn’t see why he still needed this bitch at his house cleaning and shit. I hadn’t met her yet, but I guess today would be the day.
“Ok, thanks.”
“Aye Brynlee, have you lost that damn attitude? Because if not, you can turn yo’ fine ass right back around,” Sawyer nonchalantly told me, and a part of me wanted to snap but I closed my eyes, breathed in and out slowly then answered him as I gripped my steering wheel tightly.
“Yes, Sawyer, I did. Now how long will it be before you get here?” I asked him.
“Not long. I’m about to be wrapping up in the next thirty to forty-five minutes.”
“Alright. I miss you,” I expressed.
“I know you did. I’ll talk to you when I get there,” he answered, giving me the cold shoulder.
Yet, I couldn’t be mad because I was the one in the wrong, but I hoped he was willing to listen and drop his stank ass attitude when he got here.
Sawyer and I ended our call and about three minutes later his gate began to open. I drove up the long driveway and parked my car. Not really in the mood to play meet and greet.
Getting out the car, I made my way to the front door and entered his home. I had to give it to her, whoever she was; she had done a nice job of cleaning.