by Kahlen Aymes
“So much. I’ll miss you every single second.” I willed my voice not to betray me, the words breaking free in a throbbing ache as I struggled not to full out sob. My heart hurt, but my brain clung to the hope that I’d be able to move to the East Coast very soon. I raised my face to look at him and Ryan took my mouth in a brief but deep kiss before reluctantly letting me go. He picked up his suitcases to carry them into the other room to the door. My heart was thumping in my chest in protest and I felt like I was losing my best friend. I tried to talk myself out of my sad mood, telling myself silently that this was the start of our life together. Certainly, this was not something to be sad about.
Then why the fuck do I feel like my insides just fell out and piled at my feet?
The silent war continued to wage inside me. Ryan felt it, too, because his hands rubbed up and down my arms after he helped me on with my jacket. He kissed the back of my head and for a long moment just rested his head against mine. He reluctantly moved away and once again picked up the bags. The loss was already a tangible thing.
“Ready?” I said sadly, grabbing my purse and car keys. I turned back to him to see him shaking his head his eyes glistening.
“No. I’ll never be ready to leave you.”
I put a trembling hand to his face. My fingers clutched around his jaw as I kissed his mouth, breathing in his sweet scent and letting my lips move with his. His hands were full of the luggage so he couldn’t take me in his arms, but I felt his urgency in his mouth and tongue as he kissed me. “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered against his lips.
“I know.” He tried to smile as I opened the door and held it for him. “We’ll be fine, Julia. But it’s better when you’re near me. That’s what I want for Christmas, okay?”
I smiled in return while we walked to the car and I opened the trunk. Ryan put his stuff in the back and once again I tossed him the keys. “Okay. Christmas,” I nodded. “I’ll do my best to give you what you want.”
“You always do,” he said as he opened my door and I slid inside.
The drive to the airport was mostly spent in soft touches and contemplation. I watched his features as he drove, never taking my eyes from his face. He seemed lost in thought, save the times when he’d glance at me lovingly or bring the hand he held constantly, to his mouth.
My heart was constricted and I finally had to face forward and look out the window or risk breaking into tears. His thumb rubbed over the inside of my wrist and I knew he understood what I was going through. He knew me better than I knew myself.
“Hey, weren’t you the one who said this would be okay?” he reminded me. He was hurting too but was stronger than I was. I was feeling so fragile, like I would crumble and blow away into nothingness, but I made myself answer in a stronger voice.
“Yeah. I know it will, babe.”
“Jules, you probably want to come in with me, but I’m just going to get my boarding pass and wait. It won’t be that long before I’ll have to go through the security checkpoint and you won’t be able to join me, so why don’t you just drop me off at the terminal?” His eyes flicked to my face and then quickly away, like there was something he wasn’t saying, but was trying to hide from me.
We entered the airport property as a plane landed loudly overhead. I was thankful for the time it gave me to organize my thoughts and get control over the trembling in my voice.
“But…Ryan, I was hoping…”
His hand tightened on mine. “This will be so hard, I just…think it’s best if we just say goodbye at the curb, babe.” His voice broke slightly on the words. “I feel like such a fucking pussy!”
I started slightly at his expletive, but I drew a shaky breath and nodded. “Okay.”
“Julia…” he began, his voice tortured as he pulled up to the American Airlines terminal and put the car in park. He turned his tortured blue eyes to mine. “Remember my Christmas present, okay?” He touched my chin with his fingers as I nodded sadly. “It’s gotta happen, so I guess this is it. Will you hug me goodbye?” Ryan asked softly as he stared into my eyes.
“Of course, you idiot.” My chin was trembling and I put a shaky hand over my eyes as Ryan opened his door and popped open the trunk of my Mazda.
I reluctantly grabbed the handle and pushed the passenger door open and walked to the back of the car as he was setting his bag on the curb. Instantly, I was in his arms and he was kissing the side of my face and then my mouth in a wild, deep kiss. His tongue slid into my mouth and I opened to him as if I was starving and he was the last nourishment on earth.
His mouth lifted and his lips played and nipped at mine lightly. “I love you so much, baby. I have to go.”
I nodded but pressed my mouth to his once more. He didn’t deny me and his arms tightened.
“Thanks for coming. I’ll miss you.”
He touched my face and kissed my cheek one last time before he stepped on the curb and started walking into the airport. I watched him for a few seconds before I called after him. “Ryan!” This was the only time he left me that he hadn’t said the words, and I needed them. He turned and looked back at me, stopping as he did so. “Don’t forget to remember me, right?”
He smiled sadly and shook his head. “Never.” He looked at the ground for a second, the muscle in his jaw flexing. He finally raised his eyes back to mine and I could see the tears shining there. “I love you.”
“Love you!” And with that he disappeared behind the doors, and I was left trembling and aching, the tears making it almost impossible to find my way back into the car. Other people going into the airport and the men checking bags were probably staring at my pathetic display. I didn’t care. I couldn’t help it even if I wanted to.
My hands gripped the steering wheel and I lowered my forehead to rest on them as tears began raining down uninhibited. God, it hurts! Finally my hand reached to put the car into gear and I brushed the tears off of my face in an attempt to get control.
Just breathe, Julia. Breathe; and, first thing tomorrow morning go talk to Meredith. That’s all you can do.
I tried to reason with myself and it helped to a degree. Being away from Ryan should be easier since I’d been doing it for 5 months, but now that we were lovers and had admitted our feelings for each other, I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and was on its way to Boston.
I scoffed at myself as I moved away from the terminal and merged into the moving traffic.
He IS my heart…so duh.
My phone had fallen out of my purse onto the passenger seat where it vibrated. I grabbed it with one hand, and quickly glanced down at the text on the screen.
You are my heart. The most beautiful and precious thing in my world. Don’t forget that.
I was still feeling fragile and so my eyes welled again and I longed to send him a message in return, but traffic was too bad to risk it.
He is so damn perfect.
~7~
Landed in Boston. Thanks for finally being mine. I love you with everything I am.
I smiled, glad that he was home safe but aching with loneliness for him already. I quickly typed out the obvious response.
Always was. You’re just aware of it now. :-)
It wasn’t long before he responded, and I quickly opened the message.
I’ll be dreaming of you tonight, love. As always.
Hmmm…what to say? I contemplated for a minute and then rolled onto my back and began pressing the keys.
Real Yummy—Adorably Naughty. Awake or asleep…you’re what my dreams are made of.
I sighed and stared at the ceiling as I lay on the couch in silence; the same couch where Ryan made such passionate love to me only hours earlier. I closed my eyes and put a hand up to my temple trying to push back the tears that threatened to overpower me.
I should be so damn happy. I have everything I’ve dreamed of now. I had Ryan and he loved me, so what was my problem?
I rolled onto my side and tried to swallow the rising lump in my
throat. He was beautiful, brilliant, talented, and mine. Mine; something I thought would never happen. It was eight o’clock in the evening and pitch black outside. The lights were off in the apartment and I lay there with only the eerie silver-blue glow of the moon to cast dim shadows around the room.
Ellie’s arrival was heralded by the rattling of her key in the lock. She flipped on the entryway lights and threw her keys on the table under the mirror in the hall. Her bags made a loud thump as she dropped them on the floor.
“Julia?” she called.
I rubbed my eyes and tried to wipe away the smears of makeup that would undoubtedly be underneath them. “Yeah, Ellie. I’m here.” I sat up on the couch and turned toward her. “How was your Thanksgiving?”
Ellie was in the kitchen getting out a bottle of wine and pouring a glass. “It was nice, thank you. Would you like some?” she asked.
I was still feeling shaky and very tired. Wine sounded good. “Sure. Thanks.”
“Harris’ mom is sweet, but she cooks one dry damn turkey, let me tell you! He said next year it’s my turn to do the spread.” She finished pouring two glasses of wine, bringing mine into the living room. “Shit. Can you imagine? Me cooking?” she mocked; her rosy face was glowing as she sat next to me and pressed the glass into my hand. “So? Tell me, how was your weekend with Ryan?” She looked into my face for the first time and her eyes widened as she noticed my swollen eyes. “Julia, what’s wrong? You two didn’t argue, did you?”
I laughed and took a swallow from my glass. The wine was smooth and soothing as I shook my head. “No. Far from it, El.”
“Yeah. I could see it on Friday night. He told me that you talked about moving to the East Coast,” she said softly but with a gentle smile.
I was nervous about her reaction. “Yes, we did talk about it. I-I mean…” I struggled with how to position it to her, but she read my mind and reached for my hand.
“Honey, you don’t have to explain. I understand that you want to be with Ryan. He loves you so much, Julia.”
I nodded and looked down at our hands. The tears were threatening again. “Shit, I’m such a damn mess! Can you believe this? All I’ve done since he left is bawl my eyes out and I hate that fucking shit! You know that, right?” I laughed mockingly, even though tears slid down my face. “He’s amazing, Ellie. I thought I knew how incredible he was, but he’s even more to me now. I never thought I could love him more than I already did…but I just…do.”
Ellie set her wine down on the coffee table and curled her legs underneath her. “Tell me. I want to know everything. Absolutely everything!” she said with a grin. Her arm leaned over the back of the couch and she propped her head up on her fist, looking at me expectantly.
My heart filled as I recounted the weekend to her. “It was beautiful. Every second like a dream. Even if we didn’t do anything but lie around and talk! I want nothing more than to be with him, Ellie. It’s so…profound…it’s frightening. I can’t put it into words, but I swear I’d chuck it all to be with him.”
“I can see that. Friday night it was obvious how possessive he is; but then, it’s always been obvious to me.” She grinned as I leaned back against the soft cushions. “It’s about time the two of you finally admitted it! I’m sure Aaron and Jen will be happy to see Ryan in a better mood.”
“Hmmmph.” I let my breath out. “I’m not sure if he’ll be in a better mood or not, considering we’re both fully aware of what we’ve been missing now.” I wagged my eyebrows at her and she burst out laughing. I couldn’t help but join in.
“Like I said…tell me everything!”
Ellie listened intently as I told her about the weekend, drawing him in his sleep after his tender lovemaking, making dinner together, shopping and then the pain of our goodbye. When I got to that part, my eyes welled with fresh tears and I cursed myself.
“Am I a damn faucet or what? I feel so helpless.”
She reached for my hand and squeezed it again. “Honey, why don’t you fill up your glass and go take a hot bath. You’ll feel better.”
I nodded and pulled myself off of the couch. Ellie rose and hugged me. “I’m really happy for you. The rest of us used to make fun of you guys behind your backs. So much friggin’ sexual tension that it made us all horny for God’s sake!” She laughed in my ear.
I drew back and went to grab the wine bottle. “Why, Ellie Jensen! I’m surprised at you! A proper southern belle like you, using the word horny. Holy shit!”
“Aaron used to say just being around Ryan’s unrequited lust gave him a boner. He was so hilarious!”
Aaron. I rolled my eyes and grinned, walking down the hall to the bathroom.
My thoughts turned to how I was going to discuss this with my boss the following day. I loved my job. More than loved it and I would be sad if I had to give it up, but I’d do what I needed to do. Since my trip to Boston, I knew he loved me, but finally hearing it and the experience of being in his arms was more than I’d ever expected. I knew now how much I needed him…like food or air or water.
I started the water in the tub and sprinkled in a generous amount of bath salts before I started stripping out of my clothes.
Ellie knocked on the door. “Julia?”
I wrapped a towel around me and she handed me my phone. “I think you have a text from someone that you want to hear from.”
I smiled and raised an eyebrow at her.
“What? I can’t help it that it shows on the screen who it’s from. Who in the hell else would it be from anyway? Unless you’re holding out on me about Mike!” She left the room with a smile and I opened the message.
Are you naked yet?
I laughed out loud. Ryan’s sense of timing was incredible. I slid into the warm bubbles and shot a message right back.
Mmmm…Wouldn’t you like to know?
The water felt great. In combination with the wine and the sweet messages from Ryan, the night was looking up. He made me feel better even from clear across the country. I felt sleepy and a warm calm settled around me. A connection was all I needed. We continued our electronic conversation as I lounged in the bath, letting the warmth relax me.
I do know. Take a picture and send it to me. I miss touching you.
I miss you with me, next to me, inside me. And yes…I’m naked, Ryan.
Fuck, don’t do that to me. Please. What are you doing?
I laughed. He was begging for mercy and asking for more in the same text.
Can’t help it. If I tell you that you do the same to me, will it help?
It only makes the suffering unbearable…but I wouldn’t have it any other way. So…TELL ME what you’re doing. LOL
In the bath.
Mmmmmm. Wish I were there. Don’t forget about me. I’m the one who loves you.
I remember you, Matthews. Always.
You’re always on my mind and in my heart. It doesn’t hurt that you set my body on fire, either.
Now who’s killing whom? Love you and miss you madly. Why don’t you just call me, babe?
I want to, but I know we’ll be up all night and you need to be fresh tomorrow for your talk with Meredith. I love you, beautiful girl. Sleep well.
I didn’t. Not at all.
*****
“What the hell are you smiling at, Ryan? You look like an idiot!” Aaron boomed as he came slamming into the apartment. The neighbors would be knocking the door off the hinges in protest soon.
I was sitting on the couch, my bags still in the doorway and just finished texting Julia. My heart was aching the entire way back to Boston, but our seductive little exchange had changed my mood completely. Spelling out my name with words was only something Julia would do and my heart swelled with emotion. I was grinning from ear to ear as I shut my phone and set it on the coffee table, wincing at the time. 1:30 AM.
“Aaron! Even your sorry ass is not going to get to me tonight! No way!” I called. “Where’s Jen?”
“At the hospital.” He came into the
room and fell into the armchair near the sofa. His huge body took up the entire space, his feet crossed on the coffee table, he took a pull on his beer. “I guess you had one thankful Thanksgiving from the looks of you.” He smirked at me knowingly. “I thought you’d be home earlier. What happened? Was the flight delayed?” He raised his eyebrows at me.
“Um, something like that. I was delayed, yes.” I smiled and went to pick up my bags and take them quickly down the hall to my room before going back to talk to my brother. I needed sleep, but I felt the need to talk about Julia.
“Hmmmph!! Delayed or laid, dude? It’s written all over you. Jules is a hottie, right? I knew she would be,” Aaron stated matter-of-factly. “This is the most relaxed I’ve seen you in months.”
My brow furrowed. Aaron didn’t mean anything by it, but something clenched inside at his knowing comment. “Oh?” I asked.
“Come off it, bro’. Even though she played all innocent, she smolders underneath. She’s sexy as hell. As you now know firsthand.”
“Yes.” What else could I say? It was the truth. Obviously, he wanted to know more.
“Ryan, come on. Did she finally cave and tell you she loves you?”
I stopped and looked down at my hands, tenting in front of me as I leaned my elbows on my knees. I nodded, and my hair fell across my forehead. I reached up to push it away.
“So, what? Am I talking to myself?” Aaron looked at me incredulously.
“What is it you’re asking, exactly? It was all I hoped for and more. Yes, she told me she loved me and has loved me just as I’ve loved her. While it made me incredibly happy, I was sad because we should have been together all this time. And pissed.”
“Dude…you were together. Night and day for four years, so what was wasted exactly?”
“Hmmph.” I let out my breath. “Yeah, that’s exactly what Julia said. And…she didn’t play innocent, Aaron.”
His eyes widened and he leaned forward in his seat toward me, obviously expecting some detail of my time with Julia, but I wasn’t going to expound. Aaron had shared many of his sexual escapades with Jenna, despite my protests, but what I had with Julia was mine and mine alone.
