“Why?” She sobbed. “It must have been as you supposed. My father forced my mother, and neither of them want me as a reminder. Dear God, am I the result of my father assaulting my mother? Like Mary’s husband did her?”
“I dinna ken, mo aingeal. I dinna have an honest answer for that, and we willna ken unless we ask. But I hope ye ken it’s nae like that between every husband and wife. I willna ever force ye. Ye can tell me nay, and I will always respect that and respect ye.” Ewan ran his hand over Allyson’s back as he offered all the comfort he could. His soft tones and burr helped her to relax her shoulders so they no longer sat at her earlobes.
“And if I turn you away, who will you go to instead? Perhaps my mother gave in to my father because she tired of his infidelity.”
“That isnae how our marriage will ever work. Yer body is yer own and always will be. Ye may be ma wife, but ye will never be ma broodmare. If ye dinna want to couple with me, I will never abuse ma strength and take from ye what ye dinna offer. I told ye before, if ye decide ye dinna want me in yer bed, then I will live with that. I willna turn to another woman.”
“I find that hard to believe. A man who’s enjoyed as many women as you have doesn’t seem likely to embrace abstinence.”
“Believe it or nae, I do ken there is more to life than rutting. I would hope that I’m a good enough lover that ye will always want ma attention. But if I fail to be a good enough husband, and the coupling isnae enough, then I will accept yer decision. I willna set ye aside. Allyson, it’s nae as enjoyable, but both men and women can bring themselves pleasure without having a partner. Do ye ken aught of that?”
“Aye, the church says it’s a sin, one of the worst.” Allyson’s fear was clear before she spoke her next words. “For someone so devout, how could you suggest such a thing?”
“I do have a deep faith, but I’m a healthy mon and ye’re a healthy woman. Our bodies have wants, and if the Lord didna accept us doing such things, He wouldnae have made it possible.”
“There is much we can do, but that doesn’t make it right. We can murder, but we know not to do that. That’s what free will is. God may have granted it to us, but we control it.”
“Do ye still find me an unrepentant sinner now that ye ken?” Ewan waited for Allyson, his discomfort growing with every heartbeat that passed before Allyson shook her head.
“No. I’m selfish though. I can accept it if it means you choose that instead of another woman.”
Ewan exhaled the breath he’d held, then swallowed. “But what aboot when I must be away on patrol, or if I’m called away to visit another clan? Ye’ve discovered the beginning of what a mon and woman can share. What if ye dinna want to go without once ye learn the pleasure that comes with coupling?”
“You fear I would be unfaithful because my lust would overcome me?” Allyson stifled the laugh that threatened to burble forth. She knew Ewan was serious in his questioning.
“Aye.”
“You’re the only man I’ve ever lusted for. I’ve made it to two-and-twenty without being overcome before, despite offers made at court. I’m not suddenly going to lose control. At least not with someone other than you.”
“But that was before ye kenned. Ye may decide differently now that ye’ve enjoyed yer release.”
“And you fear I would find another mon to help me if you weren’t available the moment I become aroused?”
“If I’m nae there, who’d be arousing ye but another mon?”
“Mayhap I’d be picturing the braw mon who usually tends to me,” Allyson purred as she smiled with a seductiveness that years at court taught her. Ewan pounced and ravaged a kiss from her as he lifted her off her feet, guiding her legs around his waist. He walked them to a wall and pressed Allyson against it.
“I better be that mon, Ally. I’ll kill any other who comes near ye. I’d rather ken ye’re fingering yerself and sinning that way than discovering ye’ve committed adultery.”
“Don’t you think I’d want to kill any woman who comes near ye? Teach me then.”
“What?” Ewan murmured against her neck as he laved his tongue along her salty skin.
“Teach me. Show me how to tend to myself. But Ewan, even if you don’t, I won’t find another mon just because I can’t be with you the moment the mood takes me. It has naught to do with whether or not I can pleasure myself. It’s because I don’t want anyone but you. Who do you imagine would be on my mind while I take care of myself? If you’d be tending to yourself, would it be because you miss me? Or would it be because you couldn’t take another woman to your bed, so you settled for that?”
“Because I canna be with ye. Who do ye think has been on ma mind every time I’ve taken maself in hand since we arrived here?”
“You’ve been—?” Ewan pulled back, and Allyson huffed when she spotted his Cheshire grin. “You are unrepentant. You picture me?”
“Aye. Over and over. I picture what I’ve seen of ye when ye ride and imagine it’s me ye’re straddling. I imagine all that I want to do with ye and to ye, all the ways I want to make ye scream ma name.”
“Has coupling been on your mind that much?” Allyson wondered aloud. “Do you usually think about it that much?”
Ewan chuckled. “I thought aboot it a fair amount before, but now I think aboot making love to ye incessantly.”
“You think about it incessantly, or you plan to make love to me incessantly?”
“Both,” Ewan growled as he captured her mouth in a searing kiss Allyson was eager to return. It wasn’t until they were both breathless and gasping that they broke apart, then attempted to continue their conversation. “Ally, I could have snuck out to the village or convinced one of the servants to keep the secret, and I could have bedded women every night since I arrived. I dinna want anyone but ye, mo aingeal. I would rather take maself in ma hand over and over than touch a woman who isnae ye.”
“Can you believe I feel the same way about you?” Allyson cupped Ewan jaw in her small hands as she gazed into his emerald orbs.
“I can. If ye feel for me what I feel for ye, then aye.” Ewan kissed her cheek before lowering her to the ground. “Ally, our conversation has jumped aboot quite a bit. I want to be sure ye understand the most important thing. I willna ever force ye. Never.”
“I know, mo chridhe. You’ve never struck me as the type who would. Before, it was because I assumed no woman would ever turn you away. That still crosses my mind, but now I understand it’s not in your nature to abuse women.”
“Do ye ken that aught we do, alone or together, isnae an egregious sin? What happens between a mon and a woman is between them and God’s eyes. If He doesnae smite them, then there is naught to confess. I amnae going to allow a mon who’s never been with a woman to condemn me for something he has nay knowledge of.”
“Shh. First, you tell me you talk to God directly. Now you’re rejecting God’s emissaries on earth. Perhaps I shouldn’t stand too close, or His lightning bolt might strike me, too.” Allyson grinned before kissing Ewan playfully on the tip of his nose.
“Ally, on our ride home and this evening in ma chamber, I gave a lot of consideration to how things stand. We dinna have to handfast or have a wedding at the kirk to be married.”
“How can--” Allyson’s eyes widened before a smile emerged. “Consummation would make the betrothal binding. It would mean we are wed regardless of any ceremonies.”
“Mo aingeal, our situation keeps changing so rapidly, it’s hard to keep up. I meant what I said this afternoon, that I wouldnae make love to ye until ye’re ma wife. But all that yer mother said and what Eoin told us, changes things yet again. I want to be sure ye have the protection of ma name nae just ma sword.”
“Are you saying that we make our betrothal a real marriage?”
“I think we ken it’s inevitable. But I dinna want ye to fear I’m suggesting this as a practicality. I love ye, Allyson, and I want to make love to ye. I want ye to be my wife in all ways.”
�
��You know I already welcome the idea of coupling, but it does mean more that we’ve confessed our feelings are stronger than just fondness. Whether or not joining with you provides me security as your wife, I want to show you how I feel, Ewan.”
“I want the same, Ally. I want ye to ken just how deeply I care aboot ye.”
Ewan met Allyson halfway as their mouths fused together, their kiss passionate and urgent. Allyson fumbled to unpin the broach at Ewan’s shoulder, forcing them to pull apart long enough for Ewan to drop the pin into his sporran before unfastening his belt. His plaid fell away as Allyson shed her robe. Her mouth fell open at the sight of Ewan’s bare body once he stripped off his leine.
“I thought—I mean, I imagined—I—holy Mary, Mother of God, you are like a Greek statue,” Allyson babbled. She reached out her hands and ran them over the expanse of his chest, and when she finished exploring, Ewan untied the ribbons of her chemise. It was his turn to ogle.
“Ye are a goddess come to life, Allyson. I should have said so earlier. I promise to make love to ye all night, but I fear ye may nae enjoy the moment our bodies join. I will do all that I can to make it good for ye.” Ewan’s concern made Allyson’s heart melt. She pressed her much smaller body against his, enjoying the feeling she’d discovered earlier that day.
“I know you’ll be gentle. I don’t want to keep waiting. Not now that there’s no reason.”
Ewan eased Allyson onto the tapestry and came down beside her. He caressed the valley between her breasts before brushing his fingers over her nipples. When he took one into his mouth, Allyson couldn’t contain her moan. Her hand sought Ewan’s length, and when she found it, she wrapped her hand around it, stroking until Ewan released his own growl. Ewan alternated breasts, licking, sucking, and nipping as Allyson arched her back in offering. His hand skimmed over her belly until his finger delved into her entrance. He marveled at how wet she already was, her dew soaking her nether lips and the inside of her thighs.
“Yer body is telling me it’s ready for mine, but nae yet.” Ewan whispered as he sank two fingers into Allyson’s sheath. The sensation only made her ache for more, knowing that his cock was far thicker and longer than his fingers. He inched his way down her body, leaving a trail of kisses in his wake until his mouth fastened on her bud. He worked the bundle of nerves until Allyson was overwhelmed with need, her mewling cries telling him she drew closer to release. When her muscles clenched and spasmed around his fingers, he shifted his body over hers and lined up his cock with her entrance. The moment he saw her relax, but before the euphoria wore off, he plunged into her. Allyson gasped, her muscles tensing around Ewan’s rod. He feared he would spill himself with how tight her sheath was around his rod. If he’d thought her mouth on him earlier had been divine, he had no words to express the feeling of being inside his bride. She whimpered as she adjusted to the receding pain and the invasion.
“Mo ghaol, breathe. I will wait until the pain fades.” Even if it kills me.
“It’s fading. It just feels odd, or I should say different. You being inside me somehow soothes one need while inflaming another. I don’t ache as I did while you readied me, but now I need to move, to feel you move. Is that what’s supposed to happen?”
“Aye,” Ewan panted. Allyson’s comments were testing the last shreds of his restraint. And when Allyson shifted, raising her hips and flexing, Ewan looked to her for permission. She nodded once and Ewan began to move. He rocked his hips, giving her a chance to become accustomed to the sensation. When she gripped his backside, pulling him toward her, he withdrew most of the way and surged into her.
“Yes,” she murmured. “I want you so damn much.”
“Ye have me. All of me, Ally. I’m all yers forever.”
They moved together over and over, thrusting and rocking as they found a rhythm that drove them both over the edge. They stifled their screams of ecstasy with a deep kiss before Ewan settled his weight onto his forearms, fearing he would squash Allyson if he pressed all his weight against her. But Allyson wanted no space between them, wrapping her arms and legs around him, encouraging him to rest against him. When he relented, Allyson knew he still bore much of his weight, but their bodies melded together from stem to stern. They lay like that until Ewan noticed Allyson’s breathing became more labored. He rolled them, so he was on the bottom and Allyson lay strewn across his chest. Her hair tumbling over her shoulders and his chest. His hand stroked her backside as they exchanged small kisses.
“That was different, wasn’t it?” Allyson whispered. She’d heard the matrons and widows who took lovers talk about coupling, and nothing they’d described resembled anything Allyson just experienced.
“It was. I never guessed aught would be so intimate as what I shared with ye.” Ewan glanced down at Allyson, who looked up at him. “I gave ye a piece of ma soul.”
“In exchange for a piece of mine.”
“Ally, I love ye. There can be nay doubt in ma mind now. Nae after that. I never imagined a physical act would have such a cataclysmic effect on ma emotions. I’m yer husband now, and I have never been happier.”
“I love you, too, Ewan. And I assumed it would be good after the other things we’ve done, but I hadn’t a clue it would be like that. I understand why they keep virgins ignorant, or at least try to. Can we do it again?”
Ewan chuckled as he kissed the top of her head. “Aye. Many, many times.”
“Tonight?”
Ewan didn’t answer with words that time. He rolled them over and showed Allyson that they could do it several more times that night. Once they were sated but not yet sleepy, Ewan knew there was an issue they still needed to discuss. Ewan was glad they’d resolved two topics, but he dreaded revisiting the one that caused Allyson to sob earlier. But they couldn’t leave the attic without addressing what launched them into the conversation that led to them making love. “Ally, what aboot the paintings? What aboot what ye fear of yer father’s and mother’s past?”
Allyson’s hand that was drawing lazy patterns on his back dropped, and she seemed to shrink before his eyes. He wanted to kick himself for pressing the issue. She looked tiny and vulnerable as she stared in the paintings’ direction. But she shook her head resolutely before looking back at him. She rose and went to stand beside the stack of paintings, Ewan following her until he slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her back flush against his chest. He nuzzled her neck as she relaxed in his embrace.
“That is their cross to bear. Whatever happened between them is not my fault. If my father abused my mother, there is naught I can do to change it. If my mother allowed him into her bed then regretted it, then that’s her choice to live with.”
“But what aboot the rumors and how yer brothers and sisters treat ye? Even how yer mother treats ye?” Allyson turned to look at Ewan, and he released her.
“I wish I could fix that, but we’ll leave soon, and perhaps I won’t look back.”
Ewan pulled Allyson back into his embrace, and she burrowed closer as she absorbed his heat, his reassuring strength bolstering her fading resilience to face her family. They moved to the spot where they slept each night they spent in the attic, and like the previous times, Ewan wrapped his plaid around Allyson. Ewan’s arm rested on Allyson’s waist as her back pressed against his chest.
“Sleep well, mo ghaol,” Ewan whispered.
“Goodnight, mo chridhe,” Allyson murmured, then yawned. They were both asleep in the space of a few breaths.
Chapter Thirty
The next ten days passed in uncomfortable isolation for the Gordon twins and Allyson. Foul weather delayed Kenneth’s and his sons’ return. Flooding upriver forced them to stay in one of the clan’s villages to help the locals. There was little left of their reputations to protect after Ewan and Allyson rode out of the bailey, so they continued to spend their days together. Margaret hadn’t forgiven Ewan or, by extension, Eoin. She tolerated their presence, but made it clear they were unwelcome. She ceased her campaign to p
ush Alice and Mary toward Ewan, but she didn’t cease her disdain for Allyson. While Ewan and Eoin preferred Margaret ignoring them, it pained them to see how her mother’s indifference toward her still cut Allyson so deeply. Mary, Laurel, and Alice gloated at Allyson’s shame, and the unwed sisters did little to curtail their pursuit of both Ewan and Eoin during the evening meal, now treating them as interchangeable.
While her family paid little attention to them, Allyson, Ewan, and Eoin spent time in the Great Hall playing nine-men’s morris, knucklebones, and fox and geese. Ewan discovered Allyson was an expert chess player, and he teased that she would become Clan Gordon’s chief tactician and logistician. After the evening meal, Eoin disappeared to the tower chamber while Allyson and Ewan spent their nights in the attic. One such night, Allyson shared her selection of books that she’d hidden away over the years. It made Ewan chuckle to see tales of courtly love and chivalry when he knew the royal court was far from the lavish tales spun by bards. He teased that she’d spent too much time living near the English if she believed such stories, and Allyson accused him of being jealous. They dissolved into laughter as he tickled her ribs, but it only took a moment and a glance for the mood to shift. Ewan swooped in for a kiss, and Allyson welcomed his tongue into her mouth. They struggled out of their clothes; the endeavor made more difficult when they didn’t want to let go of one another.
Once they were undressed, Ewan guided Allyson to straddle his hips. She looked dubiously at Ewan’s hard length, but when he guided her to take it into her, she settled with a low moan. The feeling was different from when Ewan was on top. He encouraged her to set their pace; the position drawing him in deeper. She experimented just as she had the afternoon in his chamber when she learned how to take him in her mouth. It wasn’t long before the sounds of their bodies moving against one another filled the attic. Allyson didn’t fear anyone hearing them, as there was an entire floor of empty guest chambers between the attic and the family chambers. They held little back as Ewan pulled Allyson down for a kiss that left her feeling drunk.
A Rogue at the Highland Court: An Arranged Marriage Highlander Romance Page 24
