“Saves you the trouble of finding him when you get out I suppose.”
There is only one thing that matters when I get out and that’s making up for lost time with my girl with a future plan to provide for her the only way I know how.
Chapter Fourteen – October 2004
Drake
There is nothing more haunting than lying awake in the dead of night listening to grown men’s cries. Not once have I ever shed a tear because I have been locked up. The only time I remember letting myself break is when my mother died and that was in private where no one could see. At her funeral I was a mask of stone. I projected my anger far and fucking wide and nobody came close to offer their condolences. She was my mother and that is all that mattered to me, they had only lost a friend, I had lost the last and only piece that made me.
Some of the cries are born from fear of the unknown in here, their first night is always the worst. Especially the first timers. The first timers are fucking scared of their own shadows because of the stories they’ve heard about prison or the TV shows and films they’ve watched, most of the time their imaginations build up the worst scenarios possible.
I roll over and throw my arm across my face shielding my eyes. I block out the pussies who can’t handle the time and bring Cammie’s face to the front of my mind.
At just gone one am she better be asleep in our bed. I can’t think like that though because it drives me insane, I remind myself that she is loyal to me and loves me. She is trapped just as much as I am. Instead, I think about her soft, silky blond hair slipping through my fingers as I run my hand through it. Then across her relaxed, warm cheek. I don’t really have to imagine. These are my memories I have of her.
Thinking about the times I would run my lips across her stomach and down between her legs, I reach under the blanket and slip my hand under my boxers. My dick is already hard, I slowly stroke remembering the taste of her on my tongue as it darted in and out of her. The way she would kiss me with her juices still on my mouth, tasting herself. I begin to stroke harder and faster remembering the time I bent her over and held onto her hips as she slammed back onto me as I rammed into her. For every move I make on her, she matches me right back. Captivated with my memories I am lost and forget to grab the tissues before I have spurted all over my stomach.
Silently laughing to myself, not wanting to wake Tommy up. I realise she is the only one I have wanked off to since I hit puberty and knew what my dick was for.
After I’ve cleaned myself and while my head is still full of my girl I decide to give up on trying to sleep. Quietly, I slip out of my bunk and retrieve my pen and paper.
23rd October 04,
To my beautiful Cammie,
I’m having trouble sleeping. Nights are the hardest to be away from you, knowing I should be lying in bed next to you while we sleep. Your body pressed against mine with my arms wrapped around you, protecting you from everything. I have been trying to sleep and all I can think of is you and your fucking beautiful, perfect little body. I am constantly telling you that I think about you all the time but I don’t think you grasp how true it is. My time here is becoming extremely difficult. This is the most torturous sentence I have carried out and that is because I know you are waiting for me at home. I can’t begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to walking through our front door and dragging you to our bed. Not only to get reacquainted with your body but just hold you in my arms. Feel our bodies meet and know for sure that we are together again and I am not dreaming. I do that too, when I eventually find sleep I dream of you, of us together. You literally are the girl of my dreams, babe. We have got so much time to make up for and I intend to fully make it up to you every which way I can. I love you Cammie so fucking much I barely know who I am anymore. You became my everything the moment I saw you looked at me the way I look at you.
I have gone past the point of aching for you and your touch, it is pure agony now.
I should probably try and sleep now, the sun will up soon. I feel a little less antsy now I have written a little to you. Write much more than last time in your next letter, I want to know every detail however small you think it is.
Always yours, D.
Chapter Fifteen – December 2004
Drake
I could sense her mood was dark and dejected as soon as I walked into the visiting room and saw her tired eyes watching me cross the room to our table. The last two letters I have received from her have been short and swift. I have been waiting anxiously for this visit and I can already tell I’m not going to like what she has to say. She is holding something back, I know it.
She stands and I pull her against my chest. She wraps her arms around my neck and because I memorise every moment of contact with her, I know this embrace is strained and much tenser than normal.
Something is wrong. The only conclusion I can think of is she has finally had enough and is leaving me.
She pulls back and sits back at the table. Three tables over, Claudia is giggling at something Tommy is saying. I didn’t believe at first the fascination she has with him, but I see it when they are together during visitation. The adoration is evident in every move she makes unlike my girl who is currently the complete opposite today.
“What’s your problem?”
I come straight out and ask her. If she is leaving me, I can’t just sit here while everyone else enjoys their afternoon with their families and have her sit mere feet from me.
“Nothing, it’s freezing out there. I’m just cold, that’s all,” she shrugs, unable to maintain eye contact with me for long.
The longer I sit here, the more agitated I feel. I lean forward and grab my hair in my hands while my leg can’t stop shaking. My heart beats irregularly and taking deep breaths is doing nothing but giving me more time to think the worst. I haven’t felt like this in so long, I barely remember the last time.
“This is it, isn’t it? You can’t cope anymore, can you?” I growl, not lifting my head to face her.
“What are you going on about?”
I feel her hand on top of mine and she gently prises my hands away from my hair. It takes a second but when I look at her, she looks as confused as I feel.
“Don’t forget why I’m in here,” I snap before I know what I have said.
The second it is out of my mouth I regret it. She goes from confused to livid in a beat.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Forget I said anything,” I urge.
“I never forget,” she spits, “Everyday you’re in here my guilt grows. I just miss you, Drake. Why does that seem so hard for you to understand?”
“I’m sorry babe,” I repeat, then to try and change the conversation and mood I ask, “Are you still spending Christmas with Marg?”
She softens and I start to see my girl smile for the first time this month. I take hold of her hands and rub her palms with the pads of my thumbs.
“Yeah, Lorna is coming up too. Marg said she didn’t mind so it will be the three of us this year.”
This visit is like bouncing on a bad trip. I finally had her relaxing and smiling and now I feel like I’m about to lose my shit again.
She goes to take her hands away from mine when I growl in frustration. I understand her need for a friend and she has known Lorna nearly all her life but I can’t fucking stand the woman and I make it known how I feel.
I keep hold of her hands and hold on to them tighter so she can’t pull away from me.
“Don’t start Drake. At least this is our last Christmas apart,” she offers.
Cammie babbles on about plans for this time next year but I can’t let it go. The anger simmering under the surface won’t allow me to let this go. I cut her off mid-sentence.
“So while I’m in here, you’re going to be having a fucking ball with your friends. That’s just fucking great, babe. Be sure to think about me being served dry turkey and sloppy fucking mash.”
She again tries to pull her hands out of mine but
I refuse to let go of her.
“Why are you being like this?” she asks.
“You turn up here looking like you’re only here because I dragged you out in the fucking cold. You sit moaning and looking tired as shit because you fucking insist on working in that shit pit café but it’s alright because you won’t be alone this Christmas.”
I try to reign my temper in before the screws come over to intervene.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she whispers, losing the fight to keep the tears in.
As soon as the first tear falls from her eyes, I snap.
“Don’t cry, you know I can’t stand to see you cry.”
This time I let her go when she yanks her hands away.
“Fuck you, Drake.”
She hastily wipes her eyes using the sleeves on her jumper and stands up sharply. She takes two steps before I take her seriously. My hand shoots out and grabs her wrist when she is about to pass me.
“Where are you going? Sit the fuck down.”
We are gaining unwanted attention.
“These visits mean everything to me and while you’re being a prick I don’t want to be here.”
She jerks out of my grip and rushes out of the room. I sit there watching her retreating back until the screw opens the visitor door and she disappears to the other side.
She fucking left. How dare she leave when we only get to see each other once a month? She knows if anything is wrong we have to get it sorted before time is called otherwise I am stuck in here unable to do fuck all.
“C’mon Drake, looks like that gorgeous piece of ass has finally come to her senses and seen you for what you truly are and left.”
I catch Tommy’s warning look before I stand and get a little too close to the screw. Tommy’s silently telling me not to let him provoke me. Apparently, my behaviour this time around has shown uncharacteristic traits and certain people like to try and bring the old Drake back. And right now, he is just about ready to come back with a fucking bang.
“What are we waiting for? You taking me back to my cell or what?” I ask, keeping my voice flat but calm.
Staring into the steel grey eyes of the screw I keep my head held high and wait silently for him to lead the way out.
“I’ll see you when I finish up here, Drake,” Tommy calls out.
The stare off between the screw and I ends and he hauls me back to the wing.
Everything around me is a blur from the visiting room all the way back to my cell.
I can’t believe she left me sitting there like a mug. I don’t even understand what the fuck happened to us today.
Pacing back and forth in the six by four cell does nothing but make the frustration grow more unbearable. I keep replaying our time together and every time I try to come up with an answer, I keep drawing blank. The only thing I am certain of is that if she wasn’t planning on leaving me before, she most likely is now.
“Fuck!” I scream and kick the bed.
I snatch the pile of phone cards I have accumulated and make my way to the phones.
No one is on the end phone and I growl my way over to it so no one even thinks about getting to it before I do.
Punching in her number that I know off by heart, I wait anxiously for her to answer.
Does she regret walking away from me? Is she okay? The longer I wait for her to pick up the more I regret everything I said. I don’t know what was happening between us.
“Hello.”
Fuck, she’s been crying. Her voice is quivering and uneasy and it rips me in two.
“Babe…”
I don’t know how to begin. I go for the safe option and just say the three words that can change everything.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Oh Drake, it’s me who’s sorry. I shouldn’t have walked out. I can’t believe I did that…”
“Are you leaving me?”
I hate that I have to ask but I need to hear her say it if she is.
“No, of course I’m not. Why are you thinking I am?” she asks.
I lean against the wall and take a deep breath.
“You were being different and your letters have been getting shorter and shorter.”
“Drake, I’m being a moody bitch because I am missing you so much and it’s Christmas and everywhere I look there are happy couples all in love. I want that back for us. I want you home with me where you should be.”
I sigh heavily into the phone.
“I know babe, I really do. Like you said, this is our last Christmas apart and in a few more months we’ll have it all. Everything we want, we will have it,” I promise her and myself at the same time.
“I know you’re stuck there until they let you leave but I hate seeing you there and leaving by myself. It is so hard to walk away from you and…”
She begins to cry again and I feel like I could join her. However, my tears would be happy fucking relieved tears.
“Hush babe, don’t get upset. We’ll forget today happened and move on, okay?”
I ache to hold her in my arms as I listen to her sniffle and tell her everything is going to be okay, but I can’t. The closest I am going to get is assuring her over the phone.
“Promise me, yeah?” I urge her.
“I promise. I love you so much Drake and I miss you even more, you do know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah babe, I know,” I sigh, “Do you forgive me for being a prick?”
Her word, not mine although I don’t disagree.
“If you forgive me for being a bitch?” she half laughs down the phone.
“Already done.”
And just like that I feel a million times better and back in control.
“Where are you now?” I ask her.
“Waiting for the bus. Have you seen outside? It’s starting to snow, it’s really pretty.”
I can hear the relief and joy in her voice. I hope she can hear the same in mine.
“I’ll have a look when I get back to my cell,” I tell her, “Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“I really do love you and I promise you will never have to go through this again.”
I need her to believe me, I don’t care about coming across as insecure. When it comes to Cammie, I would lay my soul bare and be whatever she needs me to be.
“I know you won’t because once you’re out, I’m never letting you go again,” she vows.
This is why she is my girl. The only woman to make me feel anything. She can have all of me because she has already given me all of her.
Chapter Sixteen
Cammie
The call ends and I swipe at my eyes with my gloves to dry the tears. My head is spinning. What the hell happened today? I was so fucking angry with him I honestly felt like the last two years had been for nothing. The way he treated me was unbelievable. Why is it so difficult for him to see the pressure of loving him and missing him gets too much sometimes and I can’t always be on top form when I’m with him? Being so close to him and yet not being able to hold him and love him the way I want to is unbearable.
The one day of the month I can manage to smile without forcing it is today, days when I get a measly couple of hours with him and now I have to wait another month to see him. Why the hell did I walk out? I was so angry but I didn’t stop to think about the now. How would I feel now when I calmed down enough to see the consequences of my storming out the visiting room. His call was expected and needed. As soon as my mobile phone rang I knew it was him.
At least I now know everything is back to normal between us, as normal as it can be in our situation.
The buses are slower than usual because the snow is falling thick and fast now. By the time I make it to my stop it has settled and I wish I was wearing an extra pair of socks. I think about popping my head in the café to see if they need a pair of hands to help but that thought leaves as soon as it comes. All I really want to do is jump in the shower, pour a large Vodka and climb into bed and watch trashy television.
Nearing the flat I hear yells and a lady screaming. I round the corner and there are three fire engines parked at different angles directly outside my building. My heavy steps turn into a run and when I get closer the first and second floor are completely up in flames and smoke is billowing out the front door.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” I ask, breathlessly to the little old lady who lives in flat one. She is huddled in a fire blanket and is shaking where she stands. Her puffy eyes bore into me and she scoffs.
“Do I look okay? What do you think is going on? It’s a bloody fire for heaven’s sake.”
I step back at her rudeness and regret I ever asked. She knows full well that is not what I meant.
The flames are throwing themselves out of the broken windows and are creeping towards the sky. This can’t be happening. The sad part is I don’t have it in me too care. There isn’t anything in there that I can’t replace, then I freeze. All Drake’s letters he has sent me are in there. Oh no, I slide my hand into my purse and feel my camera is tucked neatly inside. At least that hasn’t been taken from me too.
Ripping off my gloves I tug my phone from my coat pocket and dial Stan’s number. If there is a time I need his help, it is now.
It rings out and goes to voicemail. I dial again and breathe a sigh of relief when he answers. It sounds like I have woken him up.
“Yeah?” he answers, gruffly.
“Stan it’s Cammie…”
“I know who it is, Cam,” he sighs.
“Drake’s flat is on fire, I mean, the whole building is on fire,” I tell him in a rush.
“Fucking hell. Are you alright? You hurt?”
Strangely he sounds more panicked than I do and it is my home on fire.
“No, I’m fine. I wasn’t here, I just got back from the prison and it’s on fire.”
“Where are you now?” he asks.
“Standing outside watching it all.”
“Go to the café and I’ll meet you there,” he tells me.
Perfectly Obsessed Page 14
