by Kelly Oram
I closed my eyes against the sting of tears. “Not to you, maybe.”
“Jamie…” Ryan’s voice was so soft it nearly made me crumble. “It won’t be like Visticorp. They aren’t going to destroy the place. We’ll comb through Donovan’s research. We’ll find the answers you’re looking for.”
“And if we can’t? He’s light years beyond us. Geek can’t even come close to cracking Teddy’s microchips. Or what if Donovan is killed in the fight? What if his technological advances die with him? What then? He’s the only one who can help me.”
I knew the answer, even though no one answered it.
Ryan sighed. “Try not to be so pessimistic, Jamie. Everything will turn out all right somehow. You’ll see.”
That was easy for him to say. It wasn’t his entire past on the line. Or his future. None of them truly understood what it was like to have no memory. None of them could ever possibly grasp the full agony of my condition. How it affected everything. They were all ganging up on me, just like my family had, and once again Ryan was leading the charge.
Water welled up in my eyes, and a few tears spilled down my cheeks.
“Sunshine, please don’t cry. It’ll be okay. I promise.”
Ryan stepped forward with open arms, as if he expected me to walk into them and let him hold me, but I moved back, out of his reach. Hurt flashed across his face. I hated being the cause of it, but I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to comfort me right now. I was angry, frustrated, and just plain jealous.
“Of course you think it’ll be okay!” I snapped. “Because it doesn’t matter to you if I don’t get my memories back.” I cast an angry glare around the circle of men watching me. “It doesn’t really matter to any of you if I don’t get my memories back. And why should it? You’ve got your bad guy. You’re getting your other PACs back.” I looked at Major Wilks. “You’ve got your precious asset because, let’s face it, you and I both know I won’t be able to say no the next time you need my help.” And to Ryan, I added, “And you found your missing fiancée.”
“Jamie…”
I shook my head. This time his soft voice, so full of understanding and concern, was not going to make me feel better. “You all have what you want. And once again, all I’ve got is a situation that’s out of my control, no hope, and a suffocating amount of pity.”
It was twice as hard to feel so hopeless after I’d had so much promise. I’d seen a solution, and now it was being ripped away from me. I swore I’d never be so helpless again, and yet here I was. And what for? Because Major Wilks and Ryan told me it was safer this way?
Forget that.
Grabbing all of my courage, I pulled my shoulders back and stopped playing the victim. “No, thank you.”
My comment threw everyone off guard. Either that, or it was my sudden calmness.
Eyes frowned. “I’m sorry, did you just say, ‘no, thank you?’”
I gave him a sweet smile and a nod to answer his question.
“What do you mean, ‘no, thank you?’” Johnny G asked.
“Babe, what are you thinking? I know that look. It’s not a good look.”
Ryan got a dose of my sickly sweet smile next. “I’m sorry, Ryan. Major Wilks, I understand your concern, and I’m touched by it, really. But my safety, my future, and what I do with my life is not your call to make.”
Ryan sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, starting to understand where this was going. I ignored him and gave all of my attention to Major Wilks. “I just realized that I can never truly be an ACE because, ultimately, I’m going to do what I think is best in any situation. I make my own choices. I can’t promise to always follow your orders, no matter how much I respect and even trust you. I know that now. So thank you for your offer to join your team, but I’m afraid I have to decline. I’ll keep in touch, so feel free to call me if you ever need my help again. If you can forgive me, that is.”
“Forgive you for what?” Major Wilks asked.
Ryan already knew. His face was stark white. “Don’t do it, Jamie.”
“I have to.”
I took his hand in mine and felt his desperation in the way he clung to me. He pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re wrong,” he whispered. “I may have found my fiancée, but I don’t have what I want any more than you do.”
“I know, Ryan, and I’m so sorry. But don’t you see that’s why I have to go? You are the perfect man. Maybe it’s crazy, but I’m already falling for you. I know exactly why I fell in love with you before, and I want that love back.”
Ryan slipped his arms around my waist, and his lips curved into a small smile as he squeezed me against him. “That doesn’t sound crazy to me, babe.”
I refused to fall for his charm no matter how tempting he was. “Of course it doesn’t. Because you still see me as her. To you, I’m still the girl who let you put your ring on her finger all those months ago.”
“That’s not true.” Ryan pulled his head back so that he could look straight into my eyes. “You’ve been more comfortable with me than you have with your parents or Becky. Haven’t you?”
He was right, but I frowned, wondering where he was going with this.
“It’s because I treat you like you when they’re still treating you like her.”
I gasped, trying to regain some of the breath his words had just stolen from my lungs. He was one hundred percent correct, and when he put it that way, I could see the difference. He really did see me differently than the Jamie Baker he knew before. He’d always claimed he did, but I hadn’t believed him. I hadn’t seen how it was possible.
Ryan’s smile turned rueful, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek when I blushed. “Sunshine, I’ve known since you gave me my ring back and explained what it meant to you that I was not dealing with the same woman who left me. I came to terms with that about two minutes later when you asked if we could be just friends, because I realized that even though you weren’t the Jamie I’d been searching for, you were still everything I wanted in a woman.”
Oh! Oh, swoon. Curse him for being such a freaking sweet talker! I was supposed to be making him see things from my perspective right now so that he’d understand why I had to go. Instead, I was three seconds away from begging him for my engagement ring back. UGH. HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
“Ryan, I—”
He cut me off because he wasn’t finished. Obviously. Because he hadn’t said so many romantic, sweet, perfect, heart-melting things to muddle what was left of my brain for all eternity.
“Finding my fiancée hasn’t mattered to me since we landed in Colorado, because it’s not Jamie Baker I’m in love with,” he insisted. “It’s you I need. If you need to be April O’Neil, or just Angel, or someone entirely new, I don’t care. I just want you. Please, Sunshine, what else can I do to convince you of that?” I wasn’t the only one trembling now, and when he whispered his nickname for me as if I truly were the sunshine in his life, a new wave of tears spilled down my face.
It was now or never. Because, suddenly, I wanted to stay. I wanted to forget everything and give him what he wanted—me. Whoever that was. But I couldn’t, because I knew what would happen if I did that.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He eagerly accepted the kiss and sucked in a breath when I ended it much too soon for him. “You have convinced me, Ryan.”
He froze, waiting for me to continue. Either he really did know me that well, or he was simply too afraid to let himself believe that he’d gotten his way. I hated that I was about to crush his hope. “I believe you now. I know you love me. This me. The amnesiac me who doesn’t even know herself. And I love you for that, but—”
Ryan sucked in a breath so sharp I wondered what I’d done to hurt him. Except he didn’t look like he was in pain. His gaze fell to my mouth, and he swallowed so thickly I shivered. “You just said you love me,” he whispered.
“I—” My jaw fell open.
; As I scrambled to recall the last thirty seconds of our conversation, he chuckled. The laugh was deep. Husky. He squeezed my waist and slid his hands up my back until they were tangled in my hair. “I heard it loud and clear.”
“I heard it, too!” Tyson chirped, startling me.
I’d completely forgotten we had an entire team of elite soldiers watching us. Ryan had magically sucked me into his own private world where no one existed beside him and me.
“We all heard it,” Johnny G said, grinning a smile that made my face heat up.
Geek grimaced, as if he felt sorry for me. “You definitely said it.”
I finally managed an eye roll for the ACEs, but no matter how much of my senses I’d just gained back, Ryan disarmed me all over again when I looked back into his eyes. “No takebacks,” he said, bringing back the intense mood with those two whispered words. “You love me, Jamie. Angel. April. Whoever you are.”
I think he was waiting for me to deny it, but as soon as I realized I’d said it, I knew it was true. There was no point in arguing. “You’re right. I do.”
It was nice to know that I was capable of surprising Ryan every now and then. And I’d certainly shocked him with that confession. His stunned expression was so adorable I felt compelled to surprise him even more. “I love you, Ryan. Heaven help me, but I do.”
Ryan kissed me and then grinned. “Good. Then stay with me, babe. Don’t risk your life for your memories. I promise you, we don’t need them.”
I shook my head, my good mood bleeding out of me again. “You don’t, but I do.”
Ryan’s smile crumbled. “Why? If we love each other, why do you still need her?”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Because I need to be free of her.” I broke away from Ryan’s hold and put a few feet of space between us. “Thank you for being able to let go of Jamie Baker and accept me as I am now. You have no idea how much that means to me. But, Ryan, I can’t let her go. I keep trying, but she haunts me. I can’t help comparing myself to a ghost. I second-guess everything I say, do, or think. I constantly feel vulnerable, confused, and just…broken. I need my past, and hearing stories isn’t enough because I hate that I can’t remember it. I’m jealous of the memories that everyone I used to know has. My memories. Maybe that’s selfish and petty, but it’s a wedge between my parents and me, and with Becky, and even with you. I’m so afraid that if I can’t let go of my past, it’ll drive me away from anyone who knew me until one day I have no one left and you and I are as bitter toward each other as Teddy and I were by the end. Ryan, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my parents or Becky, either, but you saw how it’s going with them. I need this.”
Ryan sucked in a huge breath and let it out in a long, hard puff. “Okay. Okay, Jamie, I get it.”
I nearly collapsed from relief.
Ryan’s face turned hard, and he strutted back to me as if he was about to make a demand and wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Fine. You need this. But I need you, so I’m going with you.”
I tried not to smile, but I failed. Seriously. Ryan Miller was perfect.
I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. “I would love that, but you can’t. Donovan would use us against each other. I need to go alone so that he has no leverage other than my memories. Those are something he can’t physically hurt.”
“Jamie—”
I covered his mouth with my hand. “I’ll make you a deal. Give me twenty-four hours. Give me one day to try. Then you and the ACEs come get me, and I’ll let you put your ring back on my finger, whether I’ve got my memories back or not.”
Ryan swallowed again and leaned his head to the side, cracking his neck. “That,” he said slowly, “is a dirty, dirty move, babe.”
The smirk that split my face just then had to rival all of his best ones. What was it he’d said to me? “I have no intention of playing fair, Goldilocks.”
Ryan, though he pursed his lips as if he was fighting a smile, folded his arms across his chest and cocked an eyebrow at me. “Goldilocks? You finally give me a pet name and that’s the one you choose?”
I shrugged, but it was hardly nonchalant when my grin had doubled in size. “Sunshine…Goldilocks…they’re both all yellow and shiny. It seemed to fit.”
Ryan finally cracked, bursting into happy laughter, and tugged me back into his arms. “Fine. One day. And then you’re mine, Sunshine. No matter what.”
I shuddered from the pure animalistic possessiveness of his statement. What a caveman. Still, dopey lovesick woman that I am, I giggled and said, “Deal.” Then I let him kiss me silly until someone finally cleared their throat to get our attention.
“Sorry, Major.” I wasn’t sorry for the PDA, just that I was about to defy him. “I know you disapprove of me going, but I really do need this. I wouldn’t do it if it was going to hurt your plans, but you have everything you need to stop him without me now. And since Donovan can’t control me, I won’t be a threat to you. And really, it’s my life. It should be my call.”
Major Wilks held a scowl for an eternity, and when I didn’t break beneath it, he finally gave up. Rubbing his eyes with his finger and thumb, he let out an exhausted sigh and said, “You are very inconvenient, Angel.”
The insult made me proud. “I’m aware of that, Major. Sorry.”
Hearing the smile in my voice, he glanced up and pierced me with a no-nonsense stare. But his lips twitched. The old softy couldn’t fool me. “Have a little faith in me, Major. I’ll be fine. It’s only a day, right? I’m trusting in you and your team to come rescue me.”
He sighed again. And I swear he aged a good ten years. “Very well, Angel. Since I can’t stop you. You have one day. But tomorrow, once my team has a solid plan in place, we are coming for Donovan no matter if you’ve successfully retrieved your memories or not.”
“I understand. Thank you, sir.”
He nodded. “And thank you, Angel. We couldn’t have found him without you.”
“Oh, that’s not true. You had Ryan. I’m sure he’d have found a way eventually.”
Major Wilks chuckled, but Ryan shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t have. I was never looking for Donovan. I was looking for you. And now that I’ve found you…” He grinned and captured me in his arms yet again. “Marry me, Sunshine.”
I laughed. “Didn’t we just have this conversation?”
I started to pull away, but he wouldn’t let me. “I can’t wait until tomorrow. Promise me now,” he insisted. “Take my ring with you…just in case.”
My heart broke a little. “I won’t forget you again. I promise.”
“Fine. Then just wear it for my sake. You’re going to see Teddy, after all.”
Correction: my heart melted a little.
He pulled the ring from his pocket—because of course he’d been carrying it around all this time, just in case. When he slid it on my finger, even though I hadn’t told him yes yet, I snorted. “Caveman.”
“Say yes, Jamie. Promise you’ll marry me, or I’m not letting you go.”
As if I could resist him? Still, this was me we were talking about, so I had to put up at least a little fight before I gave in to him. “I don’t know,” I teased. “If I give you what you want right now, what incentive will you have to come get me tomorrow?”
His eyes filled with heat and he gripped my waist tightly. “Trust me, babe; I have plenty of incentive.”
The way he squeezed me against him was in no way innocent, and in every way filled with promise. Oh, my holy lightning bolts. Shiver. Me. Timbers. I’d just created a monster.
Ryan crashed his mouth on mine and gave me a toe-curling kiss that had me ready to cause a nuclear meltdown. “Say you’ll marry me,” he growled when he managed to break our mouths apart.
“I will,” I gasped. “I so, so, so will.”
It was nearing 9:00 p.m., but I didn’t waste any time waiting till morning to contact Donovan. I was sure Major Wilks would come crash the party as soon as he
had his attack planned. The ACEs were very efficient. I’d be lucky if I even got a whole day.
I made the call from a payphone in Florida, so it could have been anyone, but the voice on the other end of the line still knew it was me before I said anything. “Hello, Miss Baker. I’m glad you finally called.”
This was not the voice of the man I’d met in Boston. This man sounded slightly older, and more regal. Or maybe pompous was a more accurate term. “Donovan?”
“Very good, Miss Baker.” There was a smile in his reply. “It’s good to hear from you. It’s been a while.”
“If you say so.”
He chuckled. “I take it the serum worked?”
Donovan was all polite and friendly, but short and curt was all I could manage in reply. “I dreamed.”
“That’s wonderful. So, you believe that I can help you now?”
“You know I do, or I wouldn’t have called.”
He sighed over the receiver, as if disappointed by my lack of friendliness. “I’m not an evil man, you know.”
I snorted. “Skip the platitudes, doc. You know I want my memories, and I know you won’t give them to me unless I come to you alone, so just tell me where to go.”
He sighed again. “Very well. Are you familiar with the Santa Monica Pier in California?”
I’d never been, but I’d at least heard of it. “I’ll find it.”
“Good. Walk to the very end of the pier and take a seat. My retrieval team will find you once they’ve deemed you are truly alone.”
I was relieved that he’d picked a public place to meet. Still, I shivered, remembering my last encounter with his superthugs. “Is this retrieval team going to try to kill me like that last one you sent? Because that would be very unfortunate. For your men, I mean.”
“Yes, I suppose it would be unfortunate, considering my last team has failed to check in since I sent them to collect you…?”
