by Robin Gianna
The intense love already overflowing in her heart gave her that answer, and her throat closed with the relief of it, the joy of it.
So now, the only real question was, should she tell Aaron? Or let him assume she’d had the IVF procedure to get pregnant, and leave him out of their baby’s life?
She closed her eyes and pictured the father of her baby. His handsome features, his teasing smile. His focused commitment to his patients, his caring for children.
Then there were his kisses. His touch. The way he made her feel like no one else ever had. Just thinking of it left her breathing shallow, made her heart flutter, made her long to hold him in her arms and have him hold her in return.
No. Oh, no. Her eyes flew open as she faced the incredible and terrifying truth.
She loved him. She was totally, absurdly, ridiculously in love with a man who didn’t want that in his life. It wasn’t some crazy thing where she just wanted a man she couldn’t have.
No. She wasn’t crazy. But she was crazy in love with Aaron.
She pressed her hands to her eyes, absorbing the truth of how she felt. Knowing that, even if he shared some of her feelings, he didn’t want a committed relationship. Didn’t want a family. Didn’t want to be tied down. Had openly stated it, and lived his life with that credo in mind.
How had this happened? How was it possible that all these years, from her teens into her thirties, she’d never experienced anything like this heady, wonderful, terrifying feeling? And because of that, had been so sure that George must have been right, that there was something fundamentally missing inside her. Whether it was her genes, her parents’ lack of love for one another, who knew why, but she just wasn’t capable of that kind of love.
Except she was. How she felt about Aaron proved that loud and clear.
Her hands slowly slid from her eyes, dropping into her lap. The irony was painful, yet thrilling, too.
She loved Aaron. The intense roller coaster of highs and lows these past weeks that had been knocking her all around, squeezing her chest and leaving her breathless, couldn’t be mistaken for anything else.
Which meant she was fully capable of loving her baby the way she wanted to. Meant that maybe someday it was even possible she might love someone else, a man who wanted the same kind of life she did.
Aaron wasn’t that man, and that knowledge painfully squeezed her heart. But he was a truly caring man—yes, he’d said some pretty awful things to her, but, as she’d guessed before, there just might be some reason for that, a reason he didn’t share easily. Perhaps from his childhood, perhaps not, but everyone had issues, didn’t they? She’d had plenty of her own.
Aaron’s career and passion were about forming families, about bringing them together, and how wrong would it be to keep his own child a secret from him? Without giving him the chance, the opportunity, to decide if he wanted to be a part of his own child’s life or not?
The calm fluttered, then settled right over her heart, and the answer was as clear as glass. He deserved to know, and their baby deserved it, too. He was a man who, even if he hadn’t wanted it or planned for it, would take responsibility for his child and do everything he could to be a good father. She felt as sure of it as she was that the sun would rise tomorrow.
He probably couldn’t love her the way she loved him, and that brought a heavy ache to the calm in her heart. But what was most important? That he love their child. And if somehow she was wrong, that he couldn’t do that, offer that, she’d be back to where she’d expected to be all along. A single mother.
Except now she knew things would be just a little different from what she’d planned. She knew her heart would always carry an empty place that only Aaron could fill.
* * *
Last night, her plan had seemed so easy, so right. And when she’d called Aaron right after she’d made that plan, asking if he could meet her in his office at the end of the day, he’d sounded so normal, so much the caring Aaron with a warm concern in his voice, she’d convinced herself it would be okay. Difficult, yes, but okay.
Actually walking into his office at the end of the day to talk to him, though, was a different story. With her heart flying into a serious arrhythmia, creating a virtual timpani of anxiety in her chest, she thought she just might have to bail out and reschedule when she was calmer and more under control. When she might actually be able to breathe.
The office manager—Sue?—had greeted her, and something about the woman’s expression upped Hope’s anxiety even higher, wondering if she knew. But of course, even if she did, she couldn’t know everything. Sue might know from Hope’s file that she was already pregnant, but couldn’t possibly know the father was Aaron.
Could she?
Lord. Hope wet her lips with her tongue and seriously contemplated running back out of the door. She stood, wiping her hands on her skirt, and just as she eyed her escape route Sue came over.
“Dr. Cartwright is ready to see you now.”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks.”
To her surprise, Sue gave her a big, warm smile and patted her on the back before leading her toward Aaron’s office, nudging her inside. After a few, tentative steps, she stopped. Another smile from Sue helped her catch her breath and relax a smidge as the door clicked closed, leaving them alone.
In a very small room. That felt even smaller as she stared at Aaron’s motionless back, and she nervously licked her lips. He stood looking out of the window, and his hands were clutching the back of his head, fingers entwined. Just as Hope was sucking in a calming breath and trying to rehearse what she was going to say, he turned.
And the expression on his face dried up every word on her tongue.
The man looked shaken. Pale. Staring at her as though he didn’t know who or what he was looking at.
Oh, God. He knew. He already knew. And the shock and distress on his face told her loud and clear how he felt about it.
Also told her she’d been deluding herself big-time. Ridiculously hoping, even if she hadn’t admitted it to herself, that he’d be as excited as she was to be having a baby. How stupid could she have been, knowing how he’d always felt about being tied down?
Embarrassment, humiliation even, slid through her veins and left her frozen.
Aaron took two unsteady steps to his desk and pressed his palms to it, still staring at her with disbelief. “I just found out...I looked at your files. I know that...you...and...I can’t believe it.”
The man was nearly incoherent, and, while she’d expected him to be shocked, she hadn’t expected this...this horror? To think she’d believed he’d accept it, take responsibility for their baby, be there to support her. She was such a pathetic fool.
“Obviously, you already know what I came to tell you.” She hated that her voice was shaking instead of cool, as she’d wanted it to be. Hated that a deep, hidden part of her had secretly hoped he’d tell her he loved her, and their child, too, that this had somehow been meant to be all along, bringing the two of them together.
“Yes. But...my God, Hope.”
Every shocked word seemed to stab another sharp nail into her already battered heart. “Don’t worry yourself, Aaron. I’m... I’m sorry this happened. I know this isn’t what either of us wanted or expected. As far as I’m concerned, the baby is mine and only mine. Simply what I’d planned on before...this. I just felt an obligation to tell you, but since you already know, I guess we’re done here. Goodbye.”
She turned on shaky legs to open the door, wanting out, wanting away from him and the look on his face that spelled out painfully clear that a child binding them together was the absolute last thing he’d ever want.
“Hope. Wait.”
She looked back at him, and the utter loss and confusion in his gaze sliced at her again, leaving her bleeding. “It’s fine, Aaron. You can keep your life of freedo
m. The last thing I would ever want is for you to feel tied down and obligated.” As her own father had. “You know I’d planned to be a single mother. I don’t need you or any other man to support me or to make me feel whole.”
She made her way out of his office and through the main door, gulping back the tears, praying she didn’t make any more of a fool of herself than she already had if he showed up in front of her.
Then realized the joke was on her again, because he hadn’t followed her at all.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
AARON’S OFFICE DOOR burst open without even a knock and a Sue Calloway he’d never seen before stalked to his desk and leaned forward, giving him a look that could only be described as the evil eye.
He’d probably have been shocked by it if he weren’t numb from head to toe.
“What did you do to make Hope Sanders cry?”
That shook him out of his daze. “Cry?”
“Yes, cry. She came in here looking nervous and scared, and I was sure she’d leave looking calmer, relieved, maybe even happy, but no, she had big, fat tears streaming down her face. So what did you do?”
“Nothing.” Which, since his senses were finally, slowly coming back to him, had doubtless been why Hope had blown in the door then right back out.
She’d come to tell him the unbelievable news, and he’d barely been able to get a word out of his mouth, having finally gotten his hands on her chart just minutes before she showed up.
“I don’t suppose you know who the father of her baby is,” Sue said.
How the woman knew he couldn’t imagine, but obviously that sixth sense of hers was in action. “I am. And I’m guessing that doesn’t surprise you.”
“Aaron.” Her voice softened slightly. “From the second I saw the picture of you dancing with her, and the subtle changes in you since that day, good changes, I knew you were falling for her. I also was afraid you wouldn’t let yourself.”
It hadn’t been a question of letting himself. He’d had no choice in the matter.
He loved her.
And he’d hurt her. Again. Let her down big-time at the exact wrong moment. But it hadn’t been the shock of learning about the baby that had left him speechless. It had been the shock of realizing exactly how much he loved her, needed her, wanted her in his life. Wanted their baby. For the forever after he’d never thought he’d want with anyone. Wouldn’t ever be capable of with anyone.
And because that had been a lot of change for his pitiful heart and brain to process, he’d stood there staring at her like a damn fool when she’d told him he could keep his life of freedom. A life he didn’t want anymore. A life he now desperately wanted to replace with her and with their child.
He grabbed his coat, thankful his feet and mind were working again. “I need to go fix things with her, Sue.”
She opened the door for him and gave him a wide smile. “You do that. Good luck.”
* * *
He was damned glad he’d driven his car and not ridden his bike, and had to force himself to slow down before he got pulled over and delayed by a traffic ticket. Also needed to slow down because it was snowing, and skidding off the road wouldn’t help get him to Hope so he could hold her and love her and beg her to forgive him. Again. For the third and most important time.
He ran up her snowy steps and banged on her door, his heart racing and his breath short. For the first time in his adult life, he was well and truly scared. He had no idea if Hope shared his feelings, if she wanted him in her and their baby’s life, if she’d understand why he’d acted the way he had.
If she’d slam the door in his sorry face.
He banged on the door again, starting to panic that maybe she wasn’t even home, that maybe she’d gone to her parents’ house or something, and what would he do then? In mid-knock, it swung open, and he nearly dropped to his knees at the sight of her.
“Hope.” He took in her tousled hair and her pink flannel pajamas, and she looked so sad and vulnerable it was all he could do not to sweep her up in his arms, but he knew she wouldn’t welcome that after the way he’d acted. Her red-rimmed eyes and the single tear trickling down her cheek clutched at his heart, and he let himself at least reach to gently wipe it away, her cheek warm against his cold thumb. “Please let me come in. I have things I want to say to you.”
“Do you?” He could see her deciding and he held his breath, praying she’d let him in and not force him to take the door off the hinges. “Funny, you didn’t have much to say earlier.”
“I know. And I’d like to explain why. Please.”
“I know why. You don’t w...want a baby to tie you down.” She sniffed and swiped at another trickle of tears. “I already told you not to worry. We’ll be fine without you.”
“But I won’t be fine without you. And not wanting to be tied down isn’t why I couldn’t speak when you came into my office.”
She didn’t budge. He shook the snow from his head and tried another tack. “Even though you have every right to be upset with me, I know a caring nurse like you wouldn’t want me to get hypothermia from spending the night out here, which I’ll do if you don’t let me in. Plus, a midwife letting her baby’s father die on her front porch wouldn’t be good PR for CRMU.”
The tiniest curve of her lips and shake of her head had him holding his breath until she opened the door wider and stepped back. She didn’t say a word, just walked toward her sofa, and he wanted to grab her up and kiss her and beg her to love him but knew there were things she had to hear from him first.
She gestured to her armchair, then sat stiffly on her sofa across from it. He pondered taking off his snowy coat, but worried she might think he was making himself a little too comfortable under the circumstances, so he sat. Their eyes met, and his nerves jangled all over again, because so much was riding on his words, and he’d done a damned poor job of expressing himself too many times the past weeks.
“When you came to my office, I’d just snooped into your file and found out you were pregnant. I’m sorry if that makes you mad, but I was worried about you.”
“No need to be worried.”
Her expression had cooled, and her eyes were starting to look a little hard, like blue ice, and he knew he’d better get it all said fast before she threw him out into the snow again. “I was stunned to hear about the baby, just as I’m sure you were, too. But that wasn’t what shocked me. What shocked me was that, the second I read those words, I knew I loved you, Hope. More than anything or anyone in my life. And it shocked me that I felt like...like I’d come home. I’ve never really belonged anywhere my whole life, had been sure I never would, and in that split second all those convictions got turned on their head and I was still trying to process it all when you walked in.”
Her eyes were wide on him now, and he could tell she was trying to decide if she could believe him. If he was saying it just because he felt responsible, and he moved to sit next to her, reaching to hold her hands, needing that connection. “I’m obviously a little slow to figure things out, but I finally get it. I was attracted to you the second I saw you at the party. Hell, I was attracted just seeing you in the hallway at work. And as I got to spend time with you, I loved your sense of humor and adventure. How you care for others, and how damned good you are at your job. The taste and feel of you, but I wouldn’t let myself even think about loving you. Wouldn’t let it happen.”
“Why?” she whispered, her eyes searching his. “And why do you say you are now? I don’t want our baby to force you into thinking you have to feel something, or say you feel something that you don’t.”
“I admit the baby was what forced me to open my eyes and my heart.” He didn’t want to go into the rest of it, but she deserved to know. “Forced me to look at myself and my attitudes and how I’ve lived. Probably I should have seen a psychologist long ago, but
I’d stuffed down my past and refused to consider that it still impacted me today.”
“What past? Your adoption?”
“No.” He shook his head. “I told you my biological mother was unstable. But I didn’t tell you all of it. She was single, older and wanted a baby. Like you. She had IVF, ending up with triplets. Apparently without much help at home. I don’t know anything about her mental-health history prior to that, but she suffered from postpartum psychosis that dragged on a long time. Children’s services got involved, but eventually she completely lost it and tried to kill herself. Ended up in a mental hospital. My siblings and I lived in various different foster homes, and I have vague memories of foster parents taking me to visit my mother in the hospital.”
“Oh, my God, Aaron.” Her hands tightened on his. “Now I understand why you were so upset with me about my IVF plans.”
“I shouldn’t have projected that on you, Hope, and I’m sorry.”
“So what about your siblings? Do you ever see them?”
He briefly closed his eyes to that pain. “My biological mother gave us up and opted out of any contact. Not too many adoptive families want multiples, and we were separated in closed adoptions. A while back, I tried to find out who and where they are now, but had no luck. So I have a brother and sister somewhere I’ll never know.”
“That’s...terrible.” Tenderness and sympathy filled her blue eyes. “What was your biological mother’s name?”
“Her name?” He stared at her, wondering why in the world she’d asked.
“Yes. You always refer to her as your biological mother, which seems so cold and distant. Maybe you do that on purpose, like she wasn’t really part of your life. But for better or worse she was, Aaron. So I’d like to know her name.”
“Anne. Her name was Anne.” Funny how saying it did make her seem more real somehow, and not just a shadowy memory he preferred to forget.
“Anne. That’s a nice name.” She squeezed his hand. “I’m so sorry you went through such difficult times. I see why you started your adoption foundation, but I have to be honest. I’m surprised you decided to become a fertility specialist, considering everything.”
