by Blake Pierce
“Weird.”
She knew perfectly well that Jilly hated to be called “weird” …
I guess I shouldn’t have said that—especially in front of Blaine and Crystal.
Maybe she owed Jilly an apology.
And even if she didn’t, maybe just saying she was sorry would help get Jilly to open up about whatever was bothering her.
April looked down at Marbles and said …
“Sorry to do this, girl.”
As the kitten let out a mew of protest, April picked her up and set her gently on the floor. Then she walked through the living room and up the stairs. As she entered the hallway, she was surprised to see Jilly’s little dog, Darby, curled up on the floor just outside Jilly’s bedroom door.
Upon seeing April, Darby looked up at April and whined sadly.
April bent over and petted the dog.
“What’s the matter, Darby? Did Jilly leave you all by herself?”
Darby whined again, and April felt a tingle of worry.
Locking Darby out of her room wasn’t like Jilly at all.
Something must really be wrong, April thought.
She knocked gently on Jilly’s door, but there was no reply.
She guessed Jilly must be listening to music.
She knocked again more sharply, but still got no reply. Finally April turned the doorknob and opened it.
Sure enough, she saw Jilly sitting on the edge of her bed with her ear buds in, completely oblivious to the fact that her sister had just come through the door.
April walked toward the bed to tap Jilly on the shoulder and get her attention.
Then she saw the blood on her sister’s leg.
April screamed …
“Jilly! Stop!”
CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR
When Riley’s phone buzzed, she was sitting in a fast food place with Jenn and Bill eating burgers and discussing the case. With a tingle of worry, she saw that the call was from April. Her daughter didn’t usually call when Riley was at work on a case—at least not without good reason.
Riley took the call and heard April’s tearful voice.
“Mom, something’s going on with Jilly, she’s …”
April stopped in mid-sentence. Riley’s imagination went into overdrive.
Did she run away?
Did she do something else crazy?
Riley got up from the table and walked away from her colleagues so she could talk more privately.
“What?” Riley said breathlessly. “What about Jilly?”
She heard April inhale sharply, then say …
“Jilly has been cutting.”
Riley was suddenly confused.
“Cutting?” she asked April. “What do you mean, cutting?”
April sounded impatient now as well as distraught.
“Mom, you know what cutting is.”
Riley felt like her heart had jumped up in her throat. Of course, she had heard of cutting. She knew that teenagers—especially girls—sometimes deliberately cut themselves. But she had never imagined that one of her own daughters would do it.
She struggled with her voice for a moment.
Finally she asked April, “How do you know?”
“I walked in on her, caught her doing it in her room. She was using a really sharp matte knife she got out of our toolbox. She was cutting her thigh, up where her clothes would cover it and we couldn’t see it. She’s got a bunch of other fresh-looking wounds that are scabbed over.”
Riley could hardly believe her ears.
She said, “Put Jilly on the phone. I need to talk to her.”
April stammered, “I—I can’t do that, Mom.”
“Why not?”
“I promised her I wouldn’t tell anybody, especially not you.”
It was all Riley could do to keep from shouting.
“Why did you do that?” she asked.
“Look, I had to say that, OK?” April said. “She was already having a fit about my coming in and catching her. So I lied and said I wouldn’t tell. Then I went right ahead and told Gabriela, and now I’m calling you.”
Riley was pacing nervously.
She asked, “Where is Jilly right now?”
“She’s in her room. She says she doesn’t want to see or talk to anybody.”
Riley felt as though her head was about to explode.
What should I do? she wondered.
Then she heard Gabriela’s voice as she snatched the phone away from April.
“Señora Riley, this is very serious. The girl needs her mother.”
“I—I know,” Riley said, her thoughts racing.
“Vente a casa,” Gabriela snapped, her voice shaking. “¡Ya!”
Gabriela abruptly ended the call. Riley knew what her housekeeper had just said in Spanish …
“Come home—right now!”
Riley stood staring at the phone. Gabriela had sounded both distressed and angry.
But who was she angry with? Jilly, April, herself, or … ?
Me?
Riley quickly realized …
She’s mad at all of us.
And Riley was starting to feel the same way.
She remembered noticing a small cut on Jilly’s forearm before they’d gone on vacation. Jilly had said that April’s cat had scratched her. Riley also remembered what Jilly had said about a similar cut on her thigh when they’d been at the house by the beach …
“Just got clumsy, I guess. Bumped it into a thorn or something else kind of sharp.”
Riley fought down a groan of anger and despair.
I should have known, she thought. We all should have known.
Riley walked back to the table and shakily sat back down with Bill and Jenn.
She didn’t say anything right away.
So much has changed so quickly, she thought.
Just a few moments ago, the three of them had been in deep conversation about the case. After their visit to the Bonnetts’ house, Riley, Bill, and Jenn had gone around knocking on doors asking the neighbors about what had happened there ten years before. After hours of fruitless interviews, the three of them came here to get something to eat and decide what to do next.
Meanwhile, Sam and Dominic had checked on the whereabouts of Amos Crites, and they’d called Riley to tell her he didn’t seem to be up to anything sinister. They were now back on the waterfront drive, talking again to some of Gareth Ogden’s neighbors.
While Riley sat there trying to think of what to say, Bill asked bluntly, “What happened?”
Riley saw that both her colleagues’ faces were full of concern.
She gulped hard and said …
“That was April on the phone. She says that Jilly is … cutting herself.”
Jenn gasped aloud and said, “Cutting! Oh my God, Riley—that’s really serious.”
Riley nodded.
Bill said, “You’ve got to get back to Fredericksburg right now.”
“But how can I do that?” Riley said.
“Simple,” Jenn said. “We’ll drive you to Biloxi, and you’ll catch a flight back to Virginia. You can come back as soon as you fix things up at home. You’ll probably be back here tomorrow. Bill and I can handle things till then.”
Riley said, “But we’re in the middle of a murder case. Meredith’s still mad at me for not coming down to Rushville when he first suggested it. He’ll never give me permission—”
Jenn interrupted. “Riley, look at me.”
Riley met Jenn’s gaze. Jenn was sending her a wordless message with her eyes—that she’d cover for Riley, no matter what. Riley then looked at Bill and saw the same expression on his face.
She felt a strange mixture of gratitude and guilt.
She knew she shouldn’t be surprised that her partners would support her like this. All three of them had covered for each other in similar situations.
I guess that’s just our style, she thought.
Always bending the rules.
*
Bill
and Jenn drove Riley straight to the airport in Biloxi, where she checked in for connecting flights to the Shannon Airport near Fredericksburg. While she waited at the gate for her plane to board, she tried to clear her head and wondered …
Am I maybe overreacting?
Was it even possible that she’d do more harm than good by rushing home like this?
She doubted it, but she felt like she needed advice from someone who understood such things much better than she did.
She quickly realized who she ought to talk to …
Mike Nevins.
Mike was a forensic psychologist in D.C. who worked as an independent consultant on some FBI cases. He’d helped Riley a lot over the years—not just on murder cases, but with more personal matters, including her bouts with PTSD. He’d become a close and trusted friend.
She dialed his direct number and was relieved not to get his answering machine. Of course he guessed right away that she hadn’t called for a friendly chat.
“Riley, what’s wrong?” he asked.
Riley immediately felt comforted by his smooth and soothing baritone. She could picture the dapper, meticulous man sitting in his office wearing an expensive shirt with a vest.
She said, “Mike, I’m in Mississippi …”
She paused, not sure what to say next.
Mike said, “Yes, I heard you’re working on that murder case down there. Any idea whether you’re dealing with a serial or not?”
“Not yet, but …”
She paused again, then blurted …
“Mike, I’m calling about my daughter Jilly. You know, the girl I just adopted. She’s cutting herself.”
“My Lord,” Mike muttered.
Riley continued, “My older daughter called me about it just now. I’m at the airport waiting for the next flight home. But I don’t really know what I’m doing. And I’m wondering if I really should—”
Mike gently interrupted, “Yes, you should get back home right away, in case that’s what you’re wondering. This is something you should deal with right away.”
Riley realized she was on the verge of tears.
“Mike, I’m just so scared. How serious is this? How dangerous?”
“You mustn’t panic,” Mike said. “I’m not a pediatric therapist, but I know a little about cutting. I’m sure your daughter isn’t suicidal. It’s not even about trying to get attention, because I’m sure she didn’t want you to find out about it. She was making the cuts where they wouldn’t be noticed, I assume.”
“That’s right,” Riley said, swallowing down a sob. “But Mike, I don’t understand. Why would she do something like this?”
Mike fell silent for a moment.
“Riley, I don’t suppose this is something you want to hear, but teenaged girls typically do hurtful things to themselves out of feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem. They inflict physical pain on themselves to escape emotional pain.”
Riley had no idea what to say now. She was struggling with a mass of terrible, confusing emotions.
Mike continued, “From what you’ve told me, bringing Jilly into your life has been a rocky business from the start.”
“Oh, yes,” Riley said in a choked voice.
She flashed back to the first time she’d ever seen Jilly—hiding in a truck cab in the parking lot of an Arizona truck stop, hoping to sell her body to the truck’s owner. Living with her father had gotten so desperate, Jilly had thought that a life of prostitution would be better. Riley sometimes thought it was a miracle that she’d been there to save Jilly at that fateful moment.
And of course the adoption had been traumatic for everybody involved. Jilly’s father had even tried to kidnap Jilly after the courtroom hearing that made the adoption final.
Mike said, “You’ve made sacrifices for her—you and April and maybe others who’ve tried to help.”
Like Gabriela, Riley thought.
Mike added, “There’s a good possibility that she’s feeling guilty about all that. She might well think others have suffered too much on her account, and she’s been a burden to all of you and doesn’t deserve your kindness.”
A tear fell down Riley’s cheek.
“She’s not a burden,” she said. “She’s my daughter. And she’s April’s sister. April feels the same way about her.”
“I know,” Mike said. “And what I’m suggesting is just one possibility. But it’s a strong one. In any case you need to tell her face to face what you’ve just expressed to me.”
Mike continued talking to her for a few minutes, giving her useful and reassuring advice. He also offered to get in touch Leslie Sloat, a pediatric therapist he had once recommended when April had been going through an especially traumatic ordeal. He promised to make sure Leslie would see Jilly the very next morning.
When the call ended, Riley found herself musing upon her life …
Or rather my lives.
After all, she seemed to live two of them.
In one of those lives, her job was to stop vicious murderers. Right now she was hunting down a psychopath who bludgeoned his victims to death with a hammer, and who would undoubtedly keep on doing so if he wasn’t brought to justice.
In her other life, she was a mother of children who needed her love and attention. And right now, one of those children was a fourteen-year-old-girl in such despair that she was inflicting small but painful injuries upon herself.
She thought …
Two lives—so different, impossible to compare.
What would some stranger think of my two lives?
Which situation would seem more dire to someone looking at those lives from outside? Surely most people would consider murder a much more serious matter than a teenaged girl’s inner torment …
But not me.
At this moment, the slow torture that Jilly was inflicting on herself seemed as terrible to Riley as any evil she’d ever encountered.
She took no comfort from Mike’s assurance that Jilly wasn’t suicidal.
For one thing, she didn’t quite believe it.
An old adage came into her mind …
“… death by a thousand cuts.”
That was what Jilly was really seeking—a long, slow death.
And Riley couldn’t allow her suffering to continue even a moment longer than could be helped.
As Riley was in the midst of these thoughts, she heard the announcement that her flight was boarding. She got up and headed for her plane.
*
It was dark by the time Riley’s flight landed at the Shannon Airport. She rented a car and drove the short distance home. When she walked through the door, April and Gabriela rushed to meet her.
“Where’s Jilly?” Riley asked them.
“Still in her room,” Gabriela said.
April added, “She’s only come out once or twice to use the bathroom. So are you going to talk to her right now?”
Riley almost said the obvious answer …
“Yes, of course.”
But she paused and looked carefully at her sixteen-year-old daughter and her stout, devoted Guatemalan housekeeper. Both of their faces were full of warmth and love and concern.
We’re family, Riley thought.
She said, “We all need to talk to her. Come on.”
Followed by April and Gabriela, Riley went up the stairs and knocked on Jilly’s bedroom door.
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
The first time Riley knocked on Jilly’s door, she received no reply. She glanced back at April and Gabriela then knocked again.
This time Jilly’s voice called out …
“Leave me alone.”
Riley’s anxiety was rising by the second.
This isn’t going to be easy, she thought.
She called through the door, “This is your mother.”
After a short silence, she heard Jilly say …
“You can come in.”
As Riley opened the door and stepped inside, she saw that Jilly was sitting
in bed with her computer open on her lap. Her little dog, Darby, was lying sleepily beside her.
Jilly looked at her with surprise.
“Mom—what are you doing home?” she asked.
Then Jilly gasped aloud when she saw Gabriela and April follow Riley inside.
For a moment, Jilly stared at all three of her visitors with an expression of hurt and betrayal.
Then she burst into tears and said, “Oh, April … you promised not to tell Mom …”
April put her hands on her hips and said, “Yeah, well, I lied. What did you expect me to do? Deal with it.”
Everybody was quiet for a moment.
Then, to Riley’s relief, Jilly chuckled through her tears at April’s retort.
Riley could feel the tension in the room break as she, April, and Gabriela all laughed a little as well.
Riley sat down on the bed beside Jilly and said …
“I want you to show me.”
“Show you what?” Jilly blubbered.
“You know,” Riley said.
Jilly was wearing her nightgown. She pulled the covers down and pulled up her gown and showed Riley the cuts she’d been making on the inside of her upper thigh.
Riley was shocked by the number and depth of those wounds—almost as shocked, it seemed to her, as she might be by the scene of some grisly murder …
Maybe more shocked.
She was used to death and violence. She wasn’t used to this. She felt a stabbing pain deep inside …
Like I’m getting cut too.
There were six wounds in all, the freshest one just barely scabbed over. Others were red and looked like they might be infected.
Gabriela looked down at Jilly’s cuts and shook her head.
“¡Dios mío!” she said. “I must get something to take care of those!”
Gabriela hurried out of the room.
Tears were still running down Jilly’s face as she said to Riley, “I suppose you want me to tell you—why.”
“Do you think you can do that?” Riley asked.
Jilly shook her head no, but Riley thought …
It doesn’t matter.
She felt like she had a pretty good idea already, after her conversation with Mike …
Guilt.
Riley looked into Jilly’s big dark eyes and gently stroked her hair.
