by Beth Maria
I down the rest of my water and wipe the sweat trickling down my face and chest with the towel hanging on the arm of the treadmill. I breathe in deeply and savor the burn in my lungs, feeding off of the endorphins that are floating through my body right now and making me feel human again. I feel a smile take over my face, and it feels foreign to me. I rarely smile; it feels good, but what do I usually have to smile about?
I relish the feeling of happiness while it lasts.
“You should smile more often. It lights up your face,”
And there goes my happiness.
“Do you have to creep up on people?” I turn my focus onto him standing in the corner of the gym, one leg crossed over the other and his hands in his tracksuit pants, and, oh God, he’s shirtless. I can feel my mouth watering at the sight of his ripped abs on full display and the little bit of snail trail that runs down into his pants. No matter how good looking he may be, remember what happened to you last night, my subconscious reminds me. I doesn’t deter from the fact that he’s standing semi naked in front of me, looking like perfection. It does, however, allow me to hide my thoughts and feelings, my scowl firmly back on my face.
“I didn’t creep up. I came into the gym, but you were running and didn’t hear me. Yes, I may have stood and watched you run yourself to death, which, I have to ask, do you always do that?” he asks, cocking his eyebrow, curious.
I instantly get defensive. “You lost the right to ask that question, Phoenix. Need I keep reminding you?” My tone is impatient.
He pushes off of the wall and makes his way toward me. I step back, my foot colliding with the treadmill. Dammit! He’s in front of me, staring me down before I even have a chance to change direction.
“Phoenix…” I warn.
He doesn’t listen. His hand comes up to rest on my sweaty, red cheek, his thumb rubbing back and forth, all while his icy blues stare into my brown orbs. His eyes have lost that hard look they always carry, showing the softer side to him that I have only seen on a few occasions in the last few years. It softens my cold, angry heart for a beat or two, and I lean my face into his hand, needing to feel his touch, even if only for a few seconds. His touch sets my skin on fire, where it runs through my body, setting it a light and my heart rate flying through the roof. The effect he has on me after all this time is unbelievable. Even though I act like I hate him, everybody can tell that it’s just a front. I’m madly, deeply in love with Phoenix James, and I always will be, and it breaks my heart because it will never work between us. There is no trust, and we both want different things. I want out of this life, and it seems that he doesn’t. I can’t give myself like that to somebody who doesn’t want the same things in life as me, someone I couldn’t trust with my life.
I snap out of the trance that I’m in, taking a step back away from him. This is why I hate getting close to him. He breaks all my barriers, letting my vulnerable side show through. There is no room for vulnerability in this life we live in.
Phoenix moves his hand back down to his side, though his eyes don’t lose that softness, and it unnerves me.
“Em-”
I cut him off with a wave of my hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I-I’ve got to go.”
I speed walk past him, my head tucked down, only one destination in sight. My bedroom.
“Em, please. I miss you!”
The anger I seem to be feeling all the time rears its ugly head.
“You don’t get to miss me, Phoenix! You hardly know me anymore. I’m not the young, naïve little girl who trusted everybody, especially you, anymore!” I watch his face pale, and it makes me sick to my stomach, but the pain in my back spurs me on. “I trusted you, Phoenix, and you let me down, just like the others. You promised me, you bastard! So no, you don’t get to miss me.” I whisper the last part, all the fight leaving me and a sob trying to wrack it’s way up my body. I’ve got to leave before he sees. I appear weak enough in front of him right now.
Phoenix doesn’t say anything as I leave, for which I’m grateful.
I make it to my bedroom before the tears take over. My body convulses with sobs from last night, just now, and what I lost four years ago.
****
It takes me a while to get myself under control and to slip that mask back on that I let slip in a moment of weakness. Because that’s what it was, a moment of weakness, and I won’t be letting that happen again. I’m furious with myself that I allowed my emotions to show with only a touch from Phoenix. I need to be stronger than that for my own sanity and the safety of my heart.
When the tears finally dry up, I take a scalding hot shower, the sweat from running having made my skin sticky, and revel in the water droplets beating down on my skin, cleansing me and helping to purify my soul.
After my shower, I jump out and start getting ready. I’m standing in front of my mirror and staring at my reflection, trying to psych myself up to stay strong and in control. I have to go out to meet my best friend, my only friend, for some lunch, and I’ll be damned if I let her see my vulnerable side.
Shoulders back. Head up.
Now that I’ve mentally prepped myself, I can leave. I head downstairs, grateful that I don’t bump into my father. He must be in his office, like usual. Heading into the garage, I get into my Mercedes before taking down the convertible roof, start the ignition, and drive off down the drive. I enter the code for the gate to allow me out of the estate, and drive freely down the road into town to meet Maxine.
I don’t play any music, just let the sound of the wind comfort me, calm me.
It doesn’t take long to make it into town, but finding a parking space proves to be a task. Town is packed today, not a single parking space in sight. Goddammit!
After circling around three times, I eventually find a space, however, I’m fifteen minutes late. I don’t even know if Maxine has called or texted because my cell phone is in my bag on silent. I pull it out, checking that I do in fact have three missed calls, all from Maxine. I’m not surprised; nobody else calls or texts me. Hardly anybody has my number either.
I practically run from the parking lot to the café around the corner, nearly bumping into a few pedestrians on the way, to which I apologize profusely before carrying on my journey.
“I’m so sorry that I’m late. I’ve spent the last fifteen minutes trying to find a parking space. This town really needs more parking,” I grumble, plopping myself down in the booth in front of an amused looking Maxine.
“Don’t sweat it. You’re here now, aren’t you, so quit whining.”
I sigh before sipping some of my cappuccino that she must have already ordered for me.
Heaven. Pure heaven.
I moan, the caffeine settling me instantly, giving me a buzz.
“How have you been since I last saw you then?” Maxine asks when I’ve put my mug back down in front of me and pay attention to her happy face.
She really is pretty with her wavy blonde hair and vibrant green eyes, which is a different contrast to my straight black hair and brown eyes. We couldn’t be more different if we tried. I’m angry and bitter, while she is the sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever met. That being said, we work together as a team. Maxine keeps me balanced, and me, well, I just look out for her when people decide to walk all over her.
It’s been a while since we last spent time together. Maxine has been away with her boyfriend, Dylan, for the last three weeks travelling Europe, and I’ve missed her so much. She’s the only person that I’m able to talk to, and with her not being here, I’ve turned into an emotional mess from letting things build up. That was most probably my reason for my slip up earlier.
“I’ve been fine,” I tell her, giving her a fake ass smile.
“Don’t lie to me, Emilia. Remember, I know you better than anybody else. Plus, I’ve heard a few things that have me worried.” Her face is stern. It doesn’t bother me, because as soon as she says that she’s heard things that have her worried, anger starts simmering under
the surface. Who’s been talking about me? I have one guess. Phoenix…
Maxine must see my anger because hers turns even sterner.
“Don’t even think about getting defensive with me. You know I don’t give a shit about your temper. Just start spilling, and fast.”
“What do you want to know, Maxine? About how much Phoenix still affects me after all this time, when he should repulse me for what he did to me? Or about how we now have to work alongside each other, when I can’t stand to be in the same room as him for longer than ten seconds. Or, how about this, that I got drunk on the opening of the club and flirted with a total stranger to help me forget about Phoenix, and having to be saved by said guy! Which one do you want to know about first?” I ask exasperated, my voice a little louder than necessary. I can feel eyes on me, though I don’t turn around to look. Let them stare all they want. They don’t know me.
Maxine sighs, leaning back in the booth.
“I can’t leave you for a second, can I?” A smile graces her face, which helps me relax.
“It appears not,” I reply, laughing a little.
“Well, it’s good for you that I’m back. Now, I’ve heard all about what happened at the club, but I want to hear it from your point of view. What happened to not letting Phoenix affect you? You were doing so well.”
I sigh for the hundredth time.
“I saw him all over a whore, Maxine. You should have seen her. It’s obvious that her breasts are fake, and she cakes on a ton of make-up. I mean, yes, I’ve seen him with other women, but this one is by far the worst. I can’t help but wonder why. Why her, when it should be me?” I regret that as soon as I say it. “I didn’t – oh fuck it. Yes, I did, and we both know it.”
Maxine looks at me with pity. She’s the only person who can get away with looking at me like that. She knows everything that I’ve been through.
“I know you meant that, sweetie, and it’s about time you admitted you still want him instead of being in denial. That’s not good for you. Yes, I know that Phoenix betrayed you, but what if there is a plausible excuse? I try telling you all the time to sit down and flat out ask him. The Phoenix James that we both know wouldn’t leave you behind without a good excuse. You know that deep down as well.”
Do I know that?
I mean, yes, I’ve thought about it a few times and then discarded it straight away. There isn’t a plausible reason except that he betrayed me.
“Max, please don’t make excuses for him. I know that he and I will never be an item, no matter how much you want it to happen. We just won’t. I don’t trust him at all, and without trust, there is no relationship. Please stop trying to push something that’s impossible,” I ask nicely.
“Em-”
I cut her off. “No, Max, I may not get over him in the next week, year, or even ten years from now, but eventually I will be free of his clutches and be able to get on with my own life. It’s only a matter of time. Somebody can’t have your heart forever if you don’t allow them too. This is why I have to keep my distance around him. You know that.” I take another sip of my cappuccino and find it’s getting cold. Eurgh, there is nothing worse than cold caffeine.
“It’s up to you, but I think you’re making a big mistake,” she tells me before taking a sip of her coffee. I don’t reply. We’re never going to see eye to eye on the situation.
Maxine is so naïve about things like this. Just because she’s in the perfect relationship where her boyfriend cares for her doesn’t mean everybody else has what she has, or ever will have that. She’s one of the lucky ones, and I envy her.
“I do have something to tell you, though, while we’re on touchy subjects,” she tells me warily.
“Hit me with it.” I down the rest of my cappuccino, shuddering at the vile taste now that it’s cold. I’ll order another one and something to eat in a few minutes.
“It’s about Phoenix…” She leaves the sentence hanging, trying to gauge my reaction.
I’ve had enough talking about him today. I lift up on my hands, ready to get out of the booth and get another drink, when Maxine’s hand comes across the table and rests on my arm. “Sit back down,” she commands, and I do.
I don’t say anything, just sit quietly, twiddling my thumbs while waiting for her to start talking.
“I’ve never told you this because, well, it wasn’t my place to tell, but now I have to because Dylan is worried, which in turn makes me worried.” I sit up straight, eager to know what she has to say. “Phoenix has been involved in cage fighting for the past three years. It’s usually easy fights for him because, well, you know, he’s good at fighting. He always has been. There have been a few tougher fights that did a bit more damage, but he always pulls through and wins.” I sit back wide-eyed. Why am I only being told this bit of information now? Because you never wanted to know anything about Phoenix before, that damn voice in my head reminds me again, and it’s right. Every time Maxine has tried talking about him, I usually shut down, closing myself off. “Next week, though, he’s fighting an undefeated champion. If he wins, he’s going to get a lot of money, but the chances of him winning? They’re very slim, Em. Phoenix thinks he can do this. Dylan and I have seen this guy fight, and he’s ruthless. He won’t stop until his opponent is nearly dead.”
Maxine stresses the word ‘dead’, and I swallow. My throat’s suddenly dry.
“Why are you telling me this?” I croak.
“Because if anybody can talk some sense into that stubborn fool, it’s you. He still cares about what you think, even after all this time, Em.” She looks at me expectantly.
“He’s not going to listen to me. Phoenix has always done what Phoenix wants, and that isn’t ever going to change. If he won’t listen to Dylan, his best friend, then he’s definitely not going to listen to me. It’s a lost cause,” I tell her, dismissing the idea completely.
Why would he be so stupid? I’m not going to lie; I’m scared to death at the idea of him doing this to himself, but what am I going to do? It’s none of my business. If he had wanted me to know, he would have told me himself, and he didn’t. Three years he’s been doing this, and it’s only now that I’m being told. I can’t blame Maxine for not telling me. It just hurts is all, and now I’m expected to help out? No way. If Phoenix is going to be that stupid, then that’s his problem.
“So you’re not going to talk him out of it?” Maxine asks aghast.
I stand up and look down at her shocked face.
“No, Maxine, I’m not. He is twenty-two years old, meaning he can make his own decisions. If he wants to be stupid and possibly get himself killed, then that is his own fault. He lost me a long time ago, and this bit of information isn’t going to change my mind about forgetting him. In fact, it’s going to make it stronger because I don’t need someone reckless in my life. I want calm and someone to settle down with. I’m going to get something to eat and drink. You want anything?” I ask, pointing to the line.
“Just a muffin please.”
I nod then make my way to the end of the line.
I sneak a glance at Maxine who is on her cell, texting by the way her fingers are moving deftly over the keypad. I feel bad that I can’t help her because she genuinely seems worried about Phoenix. However, it’s not my place to get involved. He’s nothing to me anymore except a constant pain in my ass.
And he’s also the guy who you’ve always loved, ever since you were little, and carry on loving until this day.
I wish my brain would shut up sometimes and allow me to just believe that I’m completely over him. We both know that he’s no good for me, no matter how much I think he is right for me, nor how much I think we should be together. It’s just never going to happen. Too much history has gone on between us that I wouldn’t be able to forget, and it would end up ruining us worse than we are now. At least this way, as much as he irritates me, I still get to see him every so often, to look into his beautiful icy blues that hold me captive with the briefest of glances.
I just want to run my fingers though his soft, messy hair, to feel the silkiness running between my fingers forever, and to stare at his plump lips that I know were made just for me. They fit that perfectly together…
“Can I take your order, ma’am?” the barista asks, snapping me out of my wrong thoughts. I was getting carried away there, and I’m ashamed of myself.
I feel a blush creeping up my neck at having kept people waiting.
I step forward to the counter and pick up a muffin, placing it down in front of me. “Yes, I’ll have this muffin, a cappuccino, and a cheese and ham toasty please.”
“Is that everything?”
“Yes, thank you.” The barista rings up the total, and I pay by card before making my way back to the booth with my cappuccino and Maxine’s muffin.
“So, tell me about your father’s new club, and when can I come?” Maxine asks, her cheerful smile firmly back in place.
I smile, happy that she’s changed the subject, not allowing our time to be ruined. The rest of the afternoon flies by in a blur of laughs and her telling me about her trip to Europe with Dylan. I’m envious that she was able to get to see such beautiful countries, and I tell her as much. It’ll be me one day.
Four cappuccinos and a huge coffee buzz later, I’m finally on my way back home to get ready for day two of working along-side Phoenix at Pulse. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to keep my mouth shut about his cage fighting ways, even though I said that it’s none of my business.
Chapter Five
I’m informed two hours after opening time that Pulse is full to capacity for the second night running. So far, Pulse has been a success it seems. I know my little stunt last night could have cost the reputation of the club, so tonight I’m staying upstairs in my office, away from possible humiliation.
I’m sorting through paperwork, and who knew there could be so much for a club that’s just opened? I already have to sort out an order for more drinks because a lot was consumed the night before, and after tonight, we’re going to be running low. I don’t think whoever sorted it out the first time prepared for the club to be such a hit with the locals.
