by Beth Maria
“You will never understand what you leaving me all those years ago did to me, Phoenix. I was a wreck. I didn’t trust anybody after that. I still don’t trust anybody to this day. You were my best friend, and you let me down.” I break eye contact, looking down at his thumb rubbing slowly on my thigh. “I thought I hated you after that. I made myself want to hate you, when the truth is that I don’t. I could never hate you, and that pisses me off. I should hate you for everything you did, but then I get sucked into those icy blue eyes of yours and I forget why I should hate you. You’re like my drug, Phoenix, and it’s not healthy. Even after we hardly spoke for years, the moment you walked back into my life all cocky and confident, those feelings came bouncing back, smacking me straight in the face. I tried to keep my distance, to be horrible to you to get you to stay away. It doesn’t work though. Seeing you with all those women all of those years, I still couldn’t hate you, even when you were flaunting them in my face.
Then we started getting friendlier, and I saw a glimpse of the old Phoenix, the one I fell in love with when I was a little girl, and it broke my heart because I realized that, deep down, you were still in there. You just needed to be found. I wanted to find that side of you again, the one who cared for me, would do anything for me, who was my best friend.
Then when you said that I could move in with you, I thought we were making progress. I was going to say yes. That’s why I kept calling and texting you, except you never answered or replied to me. It broke my heart all over again. Walking in on you and Cindy, though, that was the final straw. I needed to move away and try and forget about you, once and for all. I was done letting you break me over and over, even if you didn’t know that you were doing that. The sad thing though? I could never move on from you. I had the chance with a really sweet guy, and I just couldn’t do it. I made you known from day one because I just wasn’t ready to give you up. I can’t imagine my life without you, and now? Now, after what we’ve just shared, I know that I will never be able to give myself to anybody else. You’ve ruined me, Phoenix.” I stare him straight in the eyes, letting him see right through me to my very core. All of my emotions are running across my face right now- hurt, sadness, disloyalty, happiness, and, most importantly, love. Tears prick my eyes at finally admitting how I feel, even to myself.
Phoenix doesn’t say anything for the longest time. He just stares at me, his beautiful face a blank canvas, giving nothing away as usual.
Embarrassment seizes me, grabbing hold of me tightly and squeezing until I’m finding it a little hard to breathe.
“Say something, please!” I beg. I just need him to say something, anything, to know that I haven’t ruined things.
His face turns from an unreadable mask to a small smile, morphing into the biggest smile I have ever seen, showing off all of his pearly whites. It takes my breath away, literally. I try to take a deep breath in and slowly let it out without giving anything away. I need to hear what he has to say before I pass out from lack of oxygen.
Phoenix lifts his hand, resting his palm on my cheek, his heat seeping through my skin. My breathing starts to even out, his contact calming me down.
“I don’t want anybody else to have you, Em. You belong to me. You always have, ever since we were younger,” he tells me softly, melting my heart.
“But you’re not just mine though, are you? There will always be other women vying for your attention.” I lean my face into his hand, scared of his answer.
“Those women were just filling a void that you should have been filling from the start. When you walked in on Cindy and me? That was because she was waiting for me. I’d been ignoring her calls since we started getting closer, Em. I didn’t need her anymore, and I didn’t want to ruin my chances with you. I ruined them anyway. I should have made her leave as soon as I walked in my office, but she wanted me to hear her out. So I did. I guess I owed her that much. Cindy never meant anything to me, but she was a nice girl and she deserved the right to hear me tell her that it was over. You left though, not telling a soul where you were. I looked for you, except what good could I do when I didn’t know where to start? I was going out of my mind wondering where you were, if something had happened to you. Having Dylan coming in here and telling me that you were downstairs with a group of girls, worry lifted off of my shoulders. I couldn’t wait to see you, but I was also angry that you put me through all of that.” His eyes convey hurt, and it tears me apart. I didn’t think he would be that bothered that I had left. I was obviously wrong.
“I’m sorry, but I had to leave. You understand why, right?” I ask hopeful.
“I do now, but I didn’t before. How would I if you never told me? I guess I had some inkling, but that was only because, over the last few weeks, whenever I see Maxine, she gets angry with me, especially when I saw her this afternoon. I reduced her to tears, and then I remembered why. It’s your birthday. You’re twenty-two.”
“I’m on my way to thirty.” I cringe at the thought of getting older.
“Join the club. I got you something, by the way. Actually, I’ve bought you a present for the past four years, but I’ve never had a chance to give them to you. I tried, but after the first year when I approached you and you in not so nice a way told me to go away, I didn’t bother trying anymore. I saved them. I don’t have the last three years’ worth, but I do have this year’s with me, if you would allow me to give it to you?” His eyes and voice are hopeful. How can I tell him no? He doesn’t even need to get me anything. Knowing that he’s never forgotten my birthday takes my breath away.
“Yes,” I whisper, getting choked up with emotion.
With a nod, he stands up, removing his hand from my face and leaving me feeling bereft like always when he cuts contact with me. I watch as his tall frame walks toward the cabinet in the corner of the room, opening one of the doors and pulling something out before making his way back over to me. My eyes drift to the wrapped square box.
“I don’t know if you will like it. I hope you do though. If not, I can take it back as I have the receipt. As for the other ones, you will just have to put up with them because, unfortunately, there is only a twenty-eight day return policy,” he tells me seriously, shrugging his shoulders.
I burst out laughing.
“I’m sure I will love it. You still know me, Phoenix. You won’t get this wrong,” I tell him.
“I hope not. Open your hands.” I do as I’m told, the box being placed perfectly in my palm.
It’s very light, weighing nearly nothing, and my curiosity is piqued. The baby pink bow sitting atop the box makes me not want to open it as to not ruin it, but my curiosity wins out. I carefully untie the bow, the material dangling from my palm, before carefully opening the wrapping paper and revealing a blue velvet box.
Please don’t let it be a ring. Please don’t let it be a ring. Please don’t let it be a ring.
I repeat over and over in my head while opening the box. My heart is beating unbelievably fast, my palms sweating with nervous anticipation.
I gasp. It’s absolutely beautiful. It’s a charm with HOPE engraved on it, simple but elegant, and it symbolizes a lot! Then I remember.
“I don’t have a Pandora bracelet though.”
“You do. That’s the first present I bought years ago. Like I said though, the other presents are at my place.”
“I can collect them another time. I really should be getting back downstairs. The girls are going to wonder where I’ve gotten too.” I worry, jumping down from the desk. Phoenix allows me to, moving out of my way.
“I’m glad you’ve made more friends. You never were the best, were you?” We both chuckle because he’s right. “They seem like a good bunch, especially Zoe is it?” I nod. “Yeah, she’s just like you – a little spitfire.”
“She is like me in that aspect, you’re right, but she’s completely different. She’s happy and bubbly where I’m not. She’s the light to my dark, which is why be became such great friends so fast.”
<
br /> “You’ll be happy one day. That I promise you,” Phoenix tells me. I withdraw. Phoenix and the word promise don’t go in the same sentence, not anymore.
“Please don’t promise me if you can’t keep it. Promises don’t mean anything to me anymore,” I tell him.
“I know.” He looks down at the floor. “I will make you trust me again. You know why I had to do what did now. You just have to bear with me. I will get out of this mess that I’m in, and I will be someone who will make you proud. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else. You always have been, and always will be, mine, Em.” The butterflies in my stomach flutter from his sweet words. Words that I have been dying to hear for years. He closes the distance between us, placing a little kiss on my lips that speaks a thousand words. It’s more powerful than a full on kiss. This is delicate and soft. Savored and not rushed.
Powerful.
Phoenix pulls away. I open my eyes that had closed without me knowing and sigh out loud, a contented sigh for once.
“I really do have to go back downstairs now,” I remind him, the fog clearing from my brain and all rational thoughts returning.
“Okay. Can I see you after Pulse closes?”
“Erm…”
“I want to give you the rest of your presents. If not, can I meet you tomorrow? You don’t have to tell me where you live right now if you don’t want to. We can meet somewhere else until you’re ready. I have to see you though, Em. I want to give us a shot, like we should have done years ago. Let’s give us a shot, yeah?”
This is what I’ve wanted ever since I was younger, for Phoenix to be mine, and now he’s finally telling me that he wants us to give it a go and I’m stalling. What is wrong with me? Yes, it’s complicated with your father, with you not wanting him to know where you are, but you may only get one chance with Phoenix. Are you going to let that man ruin your chances? No, I’m not. I’m done letting him dictate my life, which was one of the reasons why I moved away in the first place. But what about when he threatened to kill Phoenix? We’re just going to have to be extra careful about who sees us.
“Yes, it’s all I’ve ever wanted,” I answer him quietly, a war raging inside of me.
A beaming smile takes over his face, his icy blues sparkling in the light and the seriousness that usually resides in them constantly nowhere to be found. It’s a beautiful sight how my answer can transform his features. This is the face I used to know though, the carefree boy who made me oh-so-happy.
“I’ll text you tomorrow then?”
“I got rid of my cell phone when I left. I have a new number. Pass me your cell.” He does and I type in my number, saving it under Em – his nickname for me. “Until tomorrow then,” I tell him with a smile.
“Until tomorrow,” he repeats. Without another look, I walk toward his door, a smile on my face so big that, if it were any bigger, would split my face in half.
Phoenix and I are a couple! This is everything that I’ve ever wanted – Phoenix to notice me. I look down at the box in my hand with my charm inside. It’s working already. I have hope that everything is going to be absolutely perfect eventually. Now I just have to find a way of not letting my father find out. That shouldn’t be too hard, right?
Except there’s a little voice nagging in the back of my mind that is telling me that everything is going to blow up sooner or later, and it’s not going to be pretty. I just hope that it’s wrong, that it’s just me being paranoid.
Chapter Fourteen
Phoenix
Four years earlier…
Nico summoned me, giving me half an hour to make my way to his office. I arrived within twenty. You never, ever keep Nico waiting if you know what’s good for you. I’ve never been on the bad side of him, and I plan on keeping it that way, especially as I’m not strong enough or calculated enough to deal with him yet. One day though…
That day can’t come fast enough. I will make him pay for everything he has ever put Emilia through and more. That I promise.
I’m let into his house easily. I drive up the path, park my car, and make my way into the house, heading straight for Nico’s office. I know that’s where he will be without being told. That man practically lives in his office.
I thank God that Emilia is out with Maxine this evening. I don’t know what Nico wants me for, and I’d rather she not know that I’m here. Sometimes it’s best to just keep some things to yourself. This is one of those times. Something is telling me that it’s not though.
I’ve never been summoned by Nico, and that piece of information in itself has my back up.
I knock on the door and wait to be told to come in.
“Come in,” Nico responds, not bothering to get out of his chair to answer the door. I wouldn’t be surprised if his ass was attached to that goddamn chair. He’s in it all the time. He should be obese with the amount of exercise that he doesn’t do; alas, he’s slim and fit for his age. I don’t know how it’s possible.
I open the door. I was right- he’s sitting in his chair. His face is unreadable, not the kinder face that is usually directed toward me. Now my walls are up. Let’s get this over and done with. What’s the worst that could happen? He could kill me. Okay, that doesn’t sound very appealing.
“Phoenix, take a seat.” He points toward the chair in front of me, his voice very business like, not the usual easiness he has with me. This is getting worse by the second.
I do as I’m told.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, my voice trying to be as strong as can be in a situation like this. I’m not just sitting with a stranger; this is Emilia’s father - the head of the mafia. This guy could end my life with the smallest movement of his finger on the trigger, and I’m sure he keeps a gun in the top shelf of his desk. My palms are sweating, though I’m trying not to show anything on my face. Nervousness is a sign of weakness. My father taught me that when I was just a little boy. Hell, he should know because he was partnered alongside Nico. Best friends they were. ‘Were’ being the operative word. My father was killed by Nico, though he doesn’t think that I know that. I watched him when he didn’t think I was there a few years back. That’s another one of the reasons why I want to destroy him one day. For now, I tolerate him to his face. Deep down, I hate him more than anything.
Nico leans forward, resting his elbows on the desk.
“I want you to stay away from Emilia.” His tone is clipped, leaving no room for argument. I’m going to argue, though, because when it comes to Emilia, I will always protect her.
“I can’t do that,” I tell him, my voice equally as clipped. I’ve heard my voice cold, but never this way before. Then again, nobody has ever told me to stop being around the person I love with everything I am.
Nico raises his eyebrows in question, not looking one bit happy. “You can, and you will, Phoenix. I’m not asking. I’m telling. Do I make myself clear?”
Time to get on my big boy boxers and stand up for what’s mine.
Emilia.
“No, you don’t,” I defy him, and it shows on his face that he’s pissed beyond belief. If it were possible, steam would be coming out of his ears. However, his face is scrunched up and bright red. I’ve seen Nico this way a few times, and it’s never pleasant for the person on the receiving end. That’s me today.
“Oh, I think you do.” His tone is calculated. I’m waiting for the blow that he’s about to deliver. I can feel it coming. “You and I both know that I could make your life hell. I could end your life if I wanted to, and nobody would ever find your body. I’ve known you a long time, Phoenix, so I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. You have one chance. Otherwise, I will kill you. I won’t have you around my daughter, tainting her with the evil inside you that’s just waiting to get out. She deserves better, somebody who will be able to look after her. You? Unless you work for me, you’re going to be a nobody working in dead end jobs. So, you’re going to stay away from Emilia and work for me. I will train you to be the best of the be
st. I run an underground cage fighting business. I will train you in that, and you will be the best goddamn fighter there is. I can make you well known, Phoenix. You will never have to worry about money, but you will do whatever I tell you to do. Do you understand? All you have to do is stay away from Emilia, or I will end you and her.”
Nico stares me down, no hint of a joke in his face, and it scares me. I don’t want to die, and I most definitely don’t want him to hurt Emilia. I would never forgive myself if she got hurt any more than she already is by the hands of this vile man in front of me. Enough is enough.
I need to think about the facts here. If I’m gone, who is going to look after Emilia? Who’s going to make sure that she is okay? No, I have to be smart about this. If I stay away from her, I can at least watch from the sidelines and make sure that she’s okay. Plus, there’s Maxine; she will keep me updated.
There isn’t much else to think about. My hands are tied. I have no choice in the matter but to do exactly what Nico wants.
“Fine. I’ll do it, but you have to promise to stay away from Emilia. I know exactly what you’ve been doing to her all these years since Charlotte disappeared, but if you promise to leave her alone, I will keep my mouth shut,” I proposition. Maybe it’s not wise, considering this man could have me killed for blackmailing him, but I have to at least try.
His eyes harden. “Very well. Welcome to the family, son.” He extends his hand out for me to shake. Against my own will, I return the gesture, as it’s the right thing to do.
“Thanks for having me.”
I don’t need to be told that the meeting has finished. I turn around, heading straight for the door. I close it behind me and breathe in deeply, allowing the emotions to hit me full force.
Love. Heartbreak. Sadness. Destruction.
It’s a painful combination, one that will take a lot of strength and determination to overcome. I just hope I’m strong enough.
Emilia’s perfect face pops into my head. My sweet Emilia…
