by Beth Maria
Mark is in a stare off, pulled in by Phoenix’s powerful icy blues, which I have no doubt are conveying a secret message right now – a promise of what will happen if he doesn’t abide by the rules.
Phoenix must win. Mark turns to face me, his face a ghostly white color, a far contrast from the annoyed alpha not even two minutes ago. He’s just met somebody who is more alpha than him, reducing him to a quivering mess, silently begging for his life to be sparred.
“I apologize. Please, take this.” He pulls another littler bear off of the shelf behind him, this time handing it over to me gently.
“Oh, no, I can’t,” I reply, handing it back to him.
“No, please, I insist. I shouldn’t have been as rude to you as I was. Please, it’s my way of apologizing.” He’s not going to take it back.
“Fine. Thank you, Mark.” I tuck the smaller bear under my arm. I turn away, feeling a little sick. Seeing Phoenix talk to that guy like that – like he’s the big dog – has annoyed me. It’s reminded me of who he really is now, a killer, somebody not to be messed with, and it breaks my heart. This is going to always come between us. I’m always going to be reminded when somebody annoys him that he has power and he can do what he wants, when he wants.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Phoenix asks, coming up behind me.
“Did you have to threaten him?”
Facing him now, I look up at his tall frame which towers over me.
“I let him off, didn’t I?”
“Yes, after you basically threatened to kill him, Phoenix! Is this always going to be the case when somebody does something that you don’t like? Because if it is, I don’t want that in my life.”
“Are you seriously having a go at me right now for standing up for you? That guy was rude to you, Emilia, and you were just going to let him. Where’s my tough girl gone, the one who wouldn’t let anybody, not even me, walk all over her?” I look down at the floor. “Look at me,” he commands, powerful Phoenix back in its rightful place. I do as he says. “Where has my tough Emilia gone?”
I can’t look into his icy blues anymore. His gorgeous icy blues…
“She’s gone, Phoenix. She never was tough. It was all a front. I’m not strong or smart. I’m weak, especially when it comes to you.” It’s hard to admit it out loud, but it’s the truth. He needs to know.
“Hey, look at me while we’re talking.” His fingers hold my chin up, leaving me no choice but to stare into his intense blue eyes. “Where is this coming from?”
“I’ve always been weak. It’s why my father has always been able to control me, manipulate me. It’s why I’ve not been able to forget about you after all those years apart. I should hate you, but after just the tiniest bit of affection from you, I’m falling into your arms. It’s pathetic.”
Phoenix sighs, his eyes softening. “It’s not pathetic. Jesus, Emilia, I’m the pathetic one. If you knew what I’ve been like for the past four years, you would laugh. It was pathetic that I slept with so many women. It was pathetic that I didn’t care for anybody that I used. Hell, I didn’t even care for myself. And worst of all, it’s pathetic that I let Nico blackmail me into doing what he wanted. I should have told him where to shove his threats. I should have stuck with you, the only person who has ever meant something to me. Instead, I was a coward. I took the bullet and became this disgusting, vile creature, and even though I want to change, there is always going to be a part of me that I’ll never be able to get rid of. It’s been a part of me for too long. It’s engrained into me now.” He takes a breath. Tears prick my eyes. This is going to be a problem for us, I can tell. “I’m not going to ask you to give me a chance if you can’t get past my flaws, Emilia. This is me, and if you can’t take me as I am, well, then I guess we best call it a day. For you, I will try to change, and heck, I am changing, but we both know I’m not going to go back to that little boy who you loved all those years ago. I have demons that haunt me and make me something different. If you can’t take me with my demons and flaws, let me know now and I will leave you alone. I know you deserve better than me. You deserve the best, Emilia, but fuck, I’m a selfish bastard and I want you. No, I need you. You get to call the shots though. Can you take me with all my flaws?”
That’s a good question. Can I? Can I put myself through all of that, knowing exactly what he is? Can I put myself through wondering if he is going to come back to me alive and breathing or dead and having to watch him being lowered into the ground? I honestly don’t know. There is one thing that I’m certain of though – I will never be able to stop loving Phoenix.
But is love enough in this case?
I sweep my eyes around me, checking everybody out. Nobody is paying any attention to us. Everybody is oblivious to the turmoil that I’m going through. I’m about to make the biggest choice right now, one that could determine how good or bad my future is.
I stare at Phoenix. I mean, I really stare at him. I try to see into his soul, what he’s thinking, feeling. All I can feel is my love for him, my admiration toward him, and how my heart speeds up the longer that I look at him. My heart beats just for him.
I think the big question is, can I let bygones be bygones, or will it eat away at us until we’re ruined?
Like I said, I will never be able to stop loving Phoenix, so why not try? I know that he is going to be worth the risk of having my heart completely obliterated. I’d rather have him in my life for a short time than not at all. I’ve had that feeling, and it was the worst time of my life. I’ve finally gotten him back, and I’m not about to let my fear of being hurt ruin this.
Phoenix is waiting for my answer, staring at me intently, his face giving nothing away as per usual. I don’t look away after my eyes lock on his. I open up and let him in. I let him see everything I’ve ever felt, everything that I’m feeling now. I’m raw, opening myself for him to see my sorrow and joy. He sucks in a sharp breath when he sees it- the pain that I’ve not actually let him see yet from when he hurt me all those years ago, the pain from having to live with my father, the pain from being alone for the past four years when I needed him the most. Then I let him see the love I have flowing through me for him, the way he makes me feel with just a smile from him. It’s overwhelming. I can see it on his face.
I need to tell him right now exactly how I feel. I’m done with pussy footing around our feelings for each other. It’s all or nothing…
“I’m probably about to make the stupidest decision of my life, but I may just be making the best. Only time will tell. I know that I need you, Phoenix. I always have, and I always will. Am I scared? Hell yeah! Do I think that I can forget about everything you’ve done? No, but I’m going to try to let bygones be bygones. I’m fed up of hiding my feelings for you, for pushing them to the back of my mind. I need you, so yes. I can try to take you with your flaws because I can’t not have you. I’d rather have you as you are than not at all. I guess the question is, do you want me?”
I watch as Phoenix audibly swallows.
My palms are starting to sweat, and I don’t even know why. He’s already told me that he wants me; I just want him to clarify for my benefit.
Phoenix places his hands on my arms, crouching down to get into my line of vision. “Yes, I want you. I’ve never been so sure of anything else in my whole entire life.”
My reply? I just nod my head like a freaking idiot!
“So, I guess we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now then?” I ask awkwardly. After everything we’ve been through, the label sounds odd. It also feels really right.
Phoenix laughs, but then he does something unexpected. He pulls me into his chest, causing his deep rumble to vibrate through my chest. His arms are like a vice, squeezing me. That being said, I feel safe in his arms – home. “Yes, Emilia, that means that you’re now my girlfriend.”
A warm fuzzy feeling glides through my body.
“Shall we drop you back off? It’s getting quite late… Or we could go somewhere for dinner first, if you’d l
ike?”
“Can we go on a few of the rides first and then go for dinner? I am getting quite hungry now that you mention it,” I ask, not moving in fear of him breaking contact with me.
Too late.
Phoenix unravels his arms from around me, but grabs my hand instead. “Of course we can. Where do you want to go first?”
I don’t even have to think about this.
“The bumper cars!”
As we walk toward the bumper cars hand in hand, I can’t help the smile that takes over my face. We’re finally giving in to our feelings, acknowledging them for what they are. I’m still worried that we have a lot of obstacles to overcome, but either way, I’m willing to give it a shot. I just hope nobody tries to ruin us before we’ve even had a chance to get started.
Chapter Eighteen
“How are you and Phoenix?” Maxine asks, taking a sip of her coffee.
I put mine down on the coffee table in front of me before answering. I’m at Maxine’s for the first time in just over three months, and boy does it feel good to be here. I’ve missed just coming over for a coffee and to catch up, even though we mostly used to meet at a café or the coffee shop. We have to be really careful these days to make sure the wrong people don’t see me.
I still haven’t shown anybody where I’m living – not even Phoenix.
“Ah, yeah, we’re really good. We speak every night on the phone, well, unless he’s occupied.” I roll my eyes. “We text as much as possible, and we’ve met up a few times this past week. Everything is truly perfect.” I sigh dreamily.
Max laughs at me. “Look at you! You have the whole love struck teenager look going on, girl!”
“I do not!”
“Oh, yes, you so do!”
“Fine, I probably do. He just makes me so happy, Max, like deliriously happy. I just hope nobody tries to mess this up between us – hell, I hope we don’t mess this up. I’ve had a taster, and I don’t want to go without him ever again.”
“I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, you’re going to argue. You know that, right?” she asks, no trace of that laughter left.
I roll my eyes. “Of course I know we’re going to argue. We’re probably going to argue more than most couples. You know us. I just mean that I hope we don’t mess this up in other ways. You know, secrets and lies, that sort of thing,” I clarify.
Maxine puts her coffee on the table next to my mug.
“Is this because he’s still working for your father?” she asks, sitting back in the recliner.
“Yes, no, I don’t know. I guess, yes, because you know he can’t tell me everything that he does when he’s working for my father. And, truth be told, I really don’t want to know. You know I still can’t get over when I saw him kill that man four years ago. I know deep down that he’s still doing that, but that was a choice I made when I decided to give us a chance. Then I’m worried that we’re both not going to be able to confide in each other. What’s a relationship when you can’t talk to each other about serious things?” Gah, I’m rambling!
Maxine just nods, letting it all sink in before she replies.
“I don’t know what to tell you about all of that because if you’re both going to keep secrets and what not from each other, I can’t control that. Only you two can. What I will say is that guy is crazy for you. He has been ever since we were all kids, Em, and I honestly haven’t seen him as happy as he has been this past week. You’re good for each other. I also pray to God you don’t both fuck it up. Dylan and I were getting fed up of having to do separate things so that you both can attend.”
I never thought of that. Phoenix was never there for special occasions like birthdays or Christmas. They kept us apart.
“Ah, hell, I’m sorry, Maxine. I never actually thought about how awkward it would be for you and Dylan. I only thought of myself. You should have told me to man up and deal with it.”
“I should of- you’re correct. It was just easier to do separate occasions. Let’s forget about that now anyway. You’re both together, finally, meaning we can now do joint occasions. It’s all good. Don’t sweat it.”
I sigh. “I know. I just feel bad because I never once thought about how difficult it would have been for you both.” Maxine waves her hands in the air, cutting me off from saying anything else. I open my mouth about to say something, but she waves her hands, silencing me again.
“Stop!” she warns.
I sigh dramatically and pick up my now cold coffee. I still drink it though.
Just then, the front door flies open, Phoenix and Dylan walking in, talking and laughing loudly. Damn men!
“Do you have to throw the door open like that, Dylan? You’re going to put a hole through the wall one of these days, and I will not be happy. Do you hear me?” Maxine shouts, getting up from her recliner and walking into the hallway to no doubt chew Dylan out. I don’t know when that man will ever learn not to piss Maxine off. Secretly, I think he does it on purpose to get her riled up. I know he loves to see her feisty side. It’s what makes them perfect together, even a few years down the line.
I don’t move from my position on the couch. I’m far too cozy.
“Hey, beautiful,” Phoenix greets me, crouching down on the floor in front of me. He places a tender kiss on my lips, then rests his forehead against mine, breathing me in.
“Hey,” I reply dreamily, my eyes closed, also breathing in his cologne which I’ve come to love.
His hand snakes around my neck, his lips gently touching mine again. This time our kiss gets more heated, our tongues doing a little dance together.
Maxine coughs behind us, reminding me that we’re not alone.
“Go away, Maxine,” Phoenix growls.
I chuckle.
“Oh, no, this is my house, Phoenix. You don’t get to come in here and start bossing me around. Get your filthy paws off of my girl.”
We both know she’s joking about him getting his paws off of me, but she must be in a bad mood if she can’t mask her anger. Dylan must have said something to really piss her off. They’ll make up later with some really hot steamy sex and all will be forgotten. I’ll get the running commentary sometime tomorrow no doubt. Lucky me!
“Go and see Dylan,” I tell Phoenix quietly, giving him a look not to push Maxine’s buttons.
He’s about to protest until he see’s my hidden message. Just give her a few minutes to cool down. He subtly nods, getting up and walking into the kitchen to see Dylan. I risk a glance over toward Maxine, only to find her staring off into the makeshift fire, her arms crossed with a faraway look on her face.
“You want to tell me what’s happened?” I ask, tapping the sofa next to me.
“Not really,” she replies, making no move to sit next to me.
“Max, whatever it is, you can tell me. I know I’ve not really been around recently, but I’m here now. Please talk to me.”
She casts a quick glance to me before looking away. It’s too late. I’ve seen the tears that are swimming in her eyes, the sadness swimming in the depths of them. “Sit, Maxine. Now.” I’m not asking politely anymore. I’m telling her. She obeys, a tear slipping down her cheek, which she quickly wipes away. I saw it, though, and she knows that. I don’t say anything else. I give her the time that she needs to compose herself. I can hear the guys whispering in the background, china clinking together onto granite, making coffee hopefully. I have a feeling we’re going to be needing more of it.
“We’ve been fighting a lot these past few weeks.” Maxine sniffles, rubbing her nose.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You’ve had your own problems to deal with. I didn’t want to add more stress to you.”
I suck in a breath. “Max, you know you can talk to me about anything, and I mean anything! You’re my best friend. I don’t care if the whole world has taken a huge dump on me. I want you to confide in me.” She chuckles.
“Can I now?” she asks.
“You don’t have to a
sk, you stupid bitch. Spill it.”
She sighs, sniffling again before looking at me with her sad eyes. It’s a horrible contrast from her normally bright and happy eyes. I’ve only seen Maxine looking this dull a few times in my life – I could probably count on one had the amount of times, which is how I know that whatever is wrong, is big.
“Dylan is being laid off of his job. He’s found a job to replace it, but it’s only part time hours. It’s not enough that we’re able to afford to live with both of our wages.” She stops, trying to compose herself. I keep quiet. “I’ve told him that I’ll take on more shifts until he’s able to find a full time job. Hell, I even said that I’d ask my parents to help if need be. He wouldn’t have any of it though. He went off on one, telling me that he’s supposed to be the person to look after me, that he’d find another way to provide for us.” I nod my head. “It wasn’t mentioned for the next few days until I overheard him on the phone. When I confronted him about it, he got defensive and went out. He didn’t come home that night.” My body goes tense. He didn’t…
“Oh, no, he didn’t cheat on me. He wouldn’t be living if he did.” She chuckles nervously. I’m too rigid right now to crack a laugh. I’m on alert. “He was at Phoenix’s for the night. Well, that’s what I was told anyway…” she trails off. I don’t remember Phoenix ever saying that Dylan was staying with him.
“I honestly can’t help you with that because I don’t know if he did or he didn’t. Phoenix never told me. What caused all of this?” I cross my legs under me.
