The man left, and Lance turned to face Alex. The look on Alex’s face was one of recognition.
“I thought you looked familiar.”
“I was going to tell you.” Lance felt suddenly tense, like he did before going into battle. “I didn’t know you were in Oregon City until sometime after I’d met Hope.”
“Were you looking for me?” Alex’s tone held a bit of apprehension.
“No. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.” He hurried to explain. “I want you to know that I don’t hold a grudge against you. Neither did my father. In fact, it was my father who, on his deathbed, told me I needed to let the past die. He knew you hadn’t killed my brother on purpose. He died knowing you were the one who’d been wronged, and for that he was deeply sorry.”
The tension eased from Alex’s expression. “The duel was a mistake from the start. I should have walked away when Justice challenged me, but things happened so fast and just got out of control. When Justice fired at me before the full count, I figured it was over. I didn’t want to fire my shot, but the judge demanded I do so. I fired wide, having no intention of killing your brother, but . . . well, you know the rest. I’ve felt bad about it ever since, but feelings don’t bring a man back to life.”
Lance looked out across the vast expanse of the Columbia River. “I was angry for a long time. Marshall told me to hunt you down and kill you, but he’s dead now too. Still, that need for revenge seemed unwilling to die. My father begged me to let it go, but it took coming to Jesus to help me put those thoughts aside once and for all. And as far as I’m concerned, it’s a good time to bury the past. Especially since I intend to ask Hope to marry me.”
Alex smiled and shifted his weight to sit up a bit more. “You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into with these Flanagan gals. They’re a handful, and when they get a notion to do something a certain way—well, that’s just the way it’s going to be done.”
Lance thought about that for a moment. A strong breeze blew across the boat, bringing with it a damp chill. Clouds on the horizon suggested it would be raining by nightfall. “I know you’re right, but I also know Hope’s going to need me. Especially now with your baby on the way. Once Grace gives birth, it might be hard for Hope to deal with, given the past.”
He looked at Alex, whose mouth had dropped open. He looked stunned.
“Are you all right?”
“Grace,” he breathed. He looked at Lance, his eyes wide. “Grace is going to have a baby?”
“I thought you knew.” Lance felt like a heel. He smacked his forehead. “I honestly thought you knew.”
“When?”
“December.”
Alex was silent for a moment. It was his turn to gaze out over the water. “She knew before I left and didn’t tell me. She knew I wouldn’t go if I knew about the baby.”
“Like you said, when these ladies get a notion of doing something a certain way, that’s all there is to it. I’m sure she thought it was for the best.”
“Is she all right? Is she healthy? Have there been any problems?”
Lance nodded enthusiastically. “She’s fine. Learning about you hit her hard, but as far as I know, it did her no harm. Your wife’s uncle decided to move ahead with building the new house. A lot of folks came from town, and we got the outside up in one day. We were another month finishing the interior, but the day before I left, we finished moving the ladies in. Grace looked very pleased, but not nearly so much as when Edward said he’d send me to fetch you home.”
“I’m obliged for all you’ve done.” Alex still looked stunned as he leaned back against the pillow. “A baby. I’m going to be a father.” He chuckled. “If that doesn’t beat all.”
“Gentlemen, we’ll be making camp in an hour,” one of the hands announced.
Lance nodded. He’d slept on the shore on the way to Fort Nez Perce. It was a strong reminder of his days in the army. Then and now, he longed for a real bed and a warm fire. Another reminder of his days in uniform was the threat of attack. The tribes in this area were known to be hostile at times.
“You look concerned. I assure you I’m stronger than I look. I moan and groan a bit, but I’ll make it just fine,” Alex said.
“I wasn’t concerned about you. I was wondering about the Indians in these parts. I mean, I know there’s always a threat.” He sized up the passing shoreline. High cliffs rose on the left and sloping hills on the right. Someone could easily stand atop and shoot down at them.
“The tribes in this area are pretty peaceful for the time being. There’s been no report otherwise,” Alex said. “Except for getting a sore back from sleeping on the ground, I think we’ll be fine.”
Lance met his gaze and smiled. “Yeah, I’m definitely concerned about the ground and the damp cold. I’m not getting any younger.”
They shared a laugh, and Lance had little doubt that a strong friendship had begun.
There was no further discussion about Lance’s family or the past. From here on out, it was all about the future, and for that Lance was grateful.
Chapter
20
They were late for church, so Grace suggested they just sit in one of the back pews rather than parade up front to their regular place. The congregation was standing and singing when they entered the small church, which made it much easier to take their place without too much commotion. Hope was grateful for this. She had been restless all night, worrying about whether Clarence had said anything about her supposed engagement. That morning at breakfast, she’d almost told Grace and Mercy. She didn’t want them hearing about it from someone else and wondering what was going on.
A few people nodded and smiled as they continued singing. Hope easily joined in. Since she’d been going to church all of her life, she knew most hymns by heart, and this was her favorite part of the service. As the song concluded, Hope helped Grace sit. It was nearly November, and to Hope, Grace looked as if she might give birth any day rather than have six or eight more weeks to wait.
Hope remembered how it felt to be that large with child. Her movements were clumsier as the baby grew. Nothing fit right, and no matter how hard she tried, she could never get comfortable, whether she was sitting or lying down.
Pastor Masterson made several announcements, including one pertaining to the dinner after the service. Once a month, everyone brought food and shared a meal together, and today was that day. Hope always dreaded the dinners and avoided them if possible. She didn’t like having to make small talk with people, and today it would be even worse if Clarence had told anyone about her supposed engagement.
Pastor Masterson finished the announcements and moved into his sermon. “I’m reading today from Proverbs. This book offers us many guidelines for daily living and gives wisdom for handling all manner of problems. Open your Bibles to chapter twelve, verse twenty-two.”
The rustling of pages filled the sanctuary.
Because she was seated between Grace and Mercy, Hope held the Bible. Alex had gifted it to Grace the previous Christmas because their mother’s old Bible had been lost during the massacre. Hope always thought of the massacre and of her mother when they read from the new Bible. The Cayuse had taken so much from her . . . from them.
“‘Lying lips are abomination to the Lord: but they that deal truly are his delight.’”
Hope felt the wind go out of her. Had the pastor somehow found out about her lie? It was bad enough that she’d been tormented by her conscience. Surely Pastor Masterson wasn’t going to make an example of her.
“Lying is an abomination to the Lord,” the pastor repeated. “There’s only one reason for lying, and that’s to avoid the truth.”
The words pierced her heart. He was absolutely right. She had lied to Clarence to avoid the truth. She hadn’t wanted to listen to him beg her to marry him. She had no interest in knowing him better. But she shouldn’t have lied.
“Some folks tell lies thinking that by avoiding the truth, the
y’ll avoid punishment for wrongdoing. They think they can hide the truth, but God always knows and will reveal the deceit.”
Hope squirmed a little, nearly dropping the Bible. Grace eyed her with concern, but Hope just smiled and returned her gaze to the front of the church.
“Some folks tell lies thinking they’ll make themselves seem more significant. They want to avoid the truth that they aren’t quite as important as they wish they were. They tell tall tales about how much they know, when in fact they know nothing.”
Forcing herself to draw a deep breath, Hope wondered what she should do. Certainly she should apologize to Clarence and explain her lack of interest in him—that her heart belonged to another. And it did. That part hadn’t been a lie. Still, if she went to Clarence, it would only hurt him to learn that she so disliked the idea of courting him that she resorted to lying.
“Some folks even tell lies thinking they’ll avoid a truth that will hurt someone else. They think they’re lying to save that person’s feelings. But it’s still a lie, and most likely that person would benefit by knowing the truth.”
Goodness, could the pastor read her mind? Hope felt overwhelmed. She knew that truth was always better than a lie. She could see Clarence and his father sitting several rows up on the opposite side of the aisle. After church, she would go to him and confess.
With that decision made, Hope breathed a little easier. She listened as Pastor Masterson spoke of the heart and how all that a man or woman did was based on the heart. She wanted to have a pure heart—a heart motivated by God. She had wrestled so long with Him, always seeking Him with her heart but holding back in case He disappointed her again.
Even as she thought these things, Hope knew she was wrong. Faith required boldness and a lack of fear.
But I’m full of fear.
There it was. The truth. The truth she’d worked so hard to avoid. Hope was afraid of life and all that went with it. She was afraid to trust God and afraid to get to know the people around her for fear of something horrible happening to them. She was even afraid to give her heart in love. In fact, when she got right down to it, Hope was afraid of almost everything, and that was a helpless feeling.
For so long she had tried to put her finger on what was wrong with her. Why she couldn’t heal when everyone else seemed to do so. Why she continued to feel the need to carry a gun when Tomahas was dead. She had let fear control her life and eat away at her.
Being taken captive and used so abominably, Hope had survived by packing her anger around her like a wall. But that wall had been crumbling ever since she gave birth to Faith. Anger had given way to bitterness and regret, but that was motivated by fear, just as the anger had been. Even her response to Clarence had been born out of fear. It was a less intrusive fear, but it was wrapped in that emotion nevertheless.
This sudden revelation was almost enough to make her jump from her seat. She’d let fear control her thinking. She’d let fear make her decisions and choices. She’d let fear command her life . . . but no more. She would find a way to overcome this. She had to. Unless she did, she’d never be able to move forward.
The service concluded with a hymn and the pastor’s prayers, but Hope was too consumed by her thoughts to even open her mouth.
“Hope, are you all right?” Grace asked in a whisper.
“I’m . . .” She’d nearly said she was fine, which would have been another lie. “I’m thinking about something. It’s weighing heavy on me.”
Grace nodded. “I can understand that. I’m laden with thoughts of Alex.”
People started greeting each other, and as the conversations rose to fill the room, Hope felt less and less able to think. She needed to get back to the farm, where she could sit and work at her spinning and think, but there was the congregational dinner yet to happen, and that couldn’t be avoided.
“Why don’t you bring in our food and dishes?” Grace said, smiling. “Mercy can help you. I’m going to go help arrange things.”
Hope nodded and gestured to Mercy. They went to the wagon and lifted the waxed cotton canvas covering the bed. “Can you take the big basket so that I can bring the two small ones?” Hope asked.
Mercy nodded and reached for it. “I usually like these dinners, but today I wish we were just going home.”
“I do too.” Hope took up the smaller baskets. She didn’t know why Mercy was uncomfortable but didn’t have time to prod her for information.
They returned to the church and made their way to the hall, where long plank boards had been placed between small tables. On top of these, the women were setting out pans and bowls of food. Hope and Mercy reached Grace just as another woman hurried up to join them.
“Oh, Hope, congratulations,” Sally Cranston, Beth’s mother, declared. “I heard just this morning from Abigail Ford that you’re to be married.”
Hope sucked in her breath. She would have to explain. But before she could speak, several other women came to offer their congratulations while Grace and Mercy looked at her like she’d betrayed them. In the whirlwind of comments, Hope felt helpless to tell the truth. It would be far too embarrassing.
So instead of doing as she’d planned, Hope simply nodded and thanked everyone. Once again her fear was taking over. She knew she should simply take charge of the matter, but it was so much easier to let the women believe what they would. The congratulations continued through dinner, making matters all the worse. It became more and more clear how much easier it would have been to straighten things out when Sally had first commented.
As they were headed home, Hope felt the burden of guilt threaten to crush her. Fear had led her to lying, and that was a sin.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Grace asked. Her voice revealed the hurt she felt.
“Yes,” Mercy added, “you should have told us first.”
Grace continued. “It’s not like it wasn’t obvious that you and Lance were in love. I’ve known since he helped you when you were sick that you two belonged together.”
Hope was driving the wagon to keep Grace from overexerting herself, but she took her eyes off the road long enough to confess. “I didn’t tell you because it’s not true.”
“What?” Grace and Mercy asked at the same time.
“I’m not engaged. I lied. Yesterday, Clarence Ford was bothering me to marry him—at least to court him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I told him I couldn’t because I was already interested in someone else. He said that unless I was engaged, he didn’t see why I couldn’t give him a chance to win me, so I told him I was engaged, and now I don’t know what to do. I know it was wrong, but like Pastor Masterson said this morning, I wanted to avoid the truth. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and I didn’t want to have to explain my heart. Then today, I was afraid of being humiliated in front of everyone at church.”
“But you do love Lance, right?”
Hope stiffened and turned her gaze back to the road. “That doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have lied.”
“No. You shouldn’t have,” Grace replied.
They didn’t speak again until they’d reached the farm, and Hope felt even worse. “I’m sorry,” she said as she helped Grace from the wagon. “I didn’t want to hurt you or anyone else.”
“You should have just said something at church. You know the women will have the news all over town by tomorrow.”
Hope sighed. “Most likely by supper tonight.”
“Well, what’s done is done. Maybe we can put our heads together and figure a way out of it without there being too much fuss.”
“Toby proposed to me,” Mercy said matter-of-factly.
Grace and Hope both turned to her, surprised.
“You can’t be seriously considering it,” Grace said, shaking her head. “You’re only fifteen.”
“Well, it’s not like it’s my first proposal.”
Hope was grateful the focus was off her for the moment. At least now she knew why Mercy had been preoccupied. “I’ll see t
o the horse. You two go on inside.” Hope didn’t wait for a response but went to work unhitching the horse from the wagon.
“I know I’m only fifteen, Grace.” Mercy jumped down from the wagon. “He said we didn’t need to marry until next year when I turned sixteen.”
“That’s still too young.” Grace looked as if she were about to cry.
Hope interceded. “Why the rush? You can take plenty of time to court and get to know each other. It’s important that you’re certain you love him.”
“That’s just it. I don’t love him. I like him very much and enjoy his company, but I’m not in love, and I don’t think he really loves me either.”
“Then you mustn’t say yes,” Grace said. “You know how terrible things were for us when I married the Right Reverend Martindale. That marriage was arranged purely to allow us to come west and find Uncle Edward. It was all a lie, and it was wrong. Had he not died on the trail, I would be stuck married to a man I didn’t love.”
“I know that,” Mercy replied. “I don’t intend to say yes. Toby only wants us to marry right away so that he can get more land. Apparently with the new land bill, a married man—one who married before December of next year—is entitled to an additional three hundred and twenty acres of land.”
Hope finished unhitching the horse and pulled him away from the wagon. “That’s certainly no reason to marry.”
“No, it’s not,” Grace agreed. “I’m glad you’ve decided to refuse him.”
Mercy shrugged. “I haven’t given him my answer yet. He wanted me to at dinner today, but I told him I had to think some more. I know I should have said I couldn’t marry him and leave it at that, but I didn’t want him getting upset at church. Believe me, I understand why Hope did what she did. She didn’t want to hurt Clarence or have to deal with his persistence. I feel the same way about Toby. I don’t want to disappoint him or ruin his plans for land.” She sighed again. “But neither do I want to deal with his pouting or anger at my refusal. I hate conflict of any kind.”
Beloved Hope (Heart of the Frontier Book #2) Page 20
