Hope felt as if her stomach did a flip. She gasped in a breath and held up her hand. “I . . . I can explain.” At least she hoped she could.
Lance crossed his arms, and his expression became sober. He cut quite the figure in his dark wool coat. “I’m listening.”
“Well, you see . . . it happened quite by accident.” She turned away, uncertain she could continue if she could see his reaction. “Let me start at the beginning.”
“That’s always a good place to start.”
She drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Grace sold the wethers to the butcher, and he and his son Clarence came out to tend to them. I was working with the hides, and Clarence had been making eyes at me all day.” Her words came faster and faster. “You might remember him. When we were building the house, he was one of those who asked me to marry him, and of course I told him no.” She paused, her gaze fixed on the sheep, but when Lance said nothing, she continued.
“Well, he cornered me and asked me to marry him again. He’s a nice enough man, but I told him I couldn’t marry him. He wanted to know why, and I told him I didn’t love him. He said that didn’t matter and kept pressing me, so I told him I was interested in someone else . . . you.”
Lance remained silent, and Hope didn’t turn around, uncertain what he might say or do. “But that still wasn’t enough. Clarence said it didn’t matter if I was interested in someone else. Apparently he thinks you can be interested in several folks at the same time. He said that if I wasn’t engaged, it was only fair to give him a chance. And that’s when I just . . . I sort of blurted out that you and I were engaged.”
She turned, no longer able to stand his silence. His head was bowed, so she couldn’t see his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Lance. I never meant to lie. I didn’t want to hurt Clarence by telling him that I couldn’t begin to imagine myself married to him. I thought it would be easier if he thought I belonged to someone else. I just wanted him to go away and leave me be.
“I figured he wouldn’t say anything about it, but when I went to church Sunday and folks started congratulating me on our engagement . . . well, I just couldn’t figure out how to tell them the truth. But I wanted to.” Again her words came almost faster than she could consider what to say.
“It just got out of hand. I know we’re only friends, but I also felt . . . oh never mind that. The point is, I tried to figure out what to do about it. I realized that fear has been controlling my life—that I said and did most everything out of fear. I just didn’t know what to do. I had no idea that Clarence would tell his mother and she in turn would tell the whole town.”
She felt horrible. He still hadn’t said a word, and he wouldn’t even look at her. If ever she had doubted her love for him, she no longer did. It hurt so much to imagine him walking away and never speaking to her again.
“Lance, please don’t be angry with me. I know what I did was wrong, but I don’t want to lose you as my friend. You’re really the only one I have.” She shook her head and tears came to her eyes. “I don’t know what to do to make this right.”
He looked up, his face serious. “You have made quite a mess, I must admit.”
A tear slid down her cheek. If he told her they could no longer be friends, Hope knew she’d fall to her knees and beg him. The thought startled her. She had never felt this way about anyone—not even Johnny Sager. What she’d felt for Johnny paled in comparison to the deep, burning love she held for Lance Kenner.
She put her hand on his arm. “Please, Lance. Please forgive me.”
His expression softened, and he reached out to wipe away the tear. “There’s only one thing to be done in a situation like this.”
She swallowed hard. “What’s that?”
“We’ll have to get married.”
“We’ll what?”
He grinned. “Hope, on this trip I realized just how much you mean to me. I already knew my feelings for you were more than just friendship. I think I fell in love with you when I found you pointing that gun at Tomahas.”
Hope shook her head as if she hadn’t heard right. He loves me?
“I know we promised that we’d just be friends, but if I’m honest, I already knew I wanted more when I made that promise. I just knew you weren’t ready for it. I think from what you’ve been saying today that you want more too, but just because I’m in love and want to marry you . . . well, I know that doesn’t necessarily mean you feel or want the same.”
“But I do.”
He took hold of her chin and tilted her head back. She couldn’t look away from his searching blue eyes. “Are you sure about that?”
Her heart pounded so hard she was sure he could hear it. “Yes. Oh yes.” She sighed. “When I thought I’d lose your friendship, I realized how much more I felt for you—that I’d fallen in love with you. I’ve felt that way for some time, but I wasn’t sure what to do about it. After all, you didn’t want anything more than friendship—at least, so you said.”
He nodded. “Yeah, that was pretty dim-witted of me.”
She shook her head. “No. Not at all. I wouldn’t have had anything to do with you had you declared your interest in me. I would have run as far away from you as possible had I thought you loved me. I just couldn’t face those kinds of thoughts or feelings then.”
“And now?” He rubbed her cheek with his thumb.
“Now I can’t imagine my life without you. You make me feel safe, cared for . . . loved.”
He grinned. “Well, now that we’ve got that settled—will you make our engagement official and agree to marry me?”
Hope was so overcome with happiness that all she could do was nod.
“May I kiss you?”
Again she nodded. He took her in his arms, and just for a moment she had a fleeting memory of Tomahas. But when Lance’s lips touched hers, thoughts of the mission faded away. Tomahas no longer had any power over her. Hope knew this was exactly what she wanted. She put her arms around Lance’s neck and trembled as the kiss deepened. This wasn’t like any of the kisses she’d stolen as a young flirt.
But then a terrible thought came to mind, and she pulled away. Turning from Lance, Hope felt as if she couldn’t draw breath as the old fears took hold again.
“Hope?”
She couldn’t face him. He knew nothing about the baby—about Faith. She couldn’t expect him to marry her without knowing, but she was terrified that telling him would put an end to everything.
God, help me. I don’t want to be afraid.
He turned her toward him, and she didn’t resist. Instead she met his gaze, shaking her head. Her body began to shake. She had to tell him the truth and let him decide their fate.
“What’s wrong?” He looked so worried—almost fearful.
“I . . . you don’t know . . . everything . . . about me.”
“What do you mean? I know what I need to know.”
What she was about to say might cause Lance to walk away from her, but she knew her marriage couldn’t be built on deception. “You know what happened to me at the mission. You know how Tomahas forced himself on me. But you don’t know . . . you don’t know . . .”
His expression changed to one of recognition, and Hope fell silent. He put his hand on her cheek and looked at her with such tenderness. “I do know. I know about the baby you had. I know, and it doesn’t matter to me.”
“It doesn’t?” she barely whispered.
“No. If anything, it makes me love you all the more.”
“But how? How did you find out?”
“Alex accidentally told me when he found out I was in love with you. Hope, I can only imagine the horrors you’ve gone through in your life, but that one act of sacrifice—of love—humbles and amazes me. I don’t know that I could have ever done such a thing had I been in your place.” He shrugged and smiled. “Frankly, I don’t think there are many men who would ever go through what you women do to bring life into the world. You were very brave.”
“I didn’t w
ant the baby. I wanted Grace to give me something that would . . . that would end the . . . situation. When she wouldn’t, I decided to end my own life. I had nightmares about what was growing inside me. But then Grace’s best friend begged me to have the baby and give it to her. She wanted a baby so much.”
“And that changed your mind?”
“No. What changed my mind was when she reminded me that the baby was innocent of wrongdoing. That if I imposed my will on the unborn child and ended its life, it would be no different than Tomahas imposing his will on me. Thinking about that, realizing the baby was innocent . . . I couldn’t kill her. So I went to live with Eletta and her husband before anyone knew about my condition. I didn’t want anyone to know for fear of what they’d say or think about me. Even Mercy never knew.” She shook her head. “I’ve let fear take charge of me for far too long.”
Lance took her hands in his. “As long as we’re being completely honest, I feel the need to explain my anger the day I left here.”
Hope gazed at him expectantly, ready to offer him the same love and acceptance he had just shown her.
“Remember I told you that a man had wronged my family?”
“Yes.”
“That man was Alex.”
Her eyes widened. “Our Alex?”
“The same. He had a duel with my older brother Justice, which ended in my brother being killed. We were told Alex had cheated—had killed my brother by shooting him in the back. Alex had shot him in the back, but he hadn’t meant to. My brother was the one who cheated—he fired early. Alex refused to fire his shot, but the judge said he must. My brother turned to run as Alex shot wide. If Justice hadn’t run, he wouldn’t have been killed.”
She nodded. “I’d forgotten about that. Grace had told me about the duel. I never knew who the man was.”
“My other brother, Marshall, decided on revenge. He set fire to Alex’s family’s house since Alex lived there too. I think he wanted to strip them of all their possessions. I honestly don’t think he intended for Alex’s folks to die. He wanted Alex dead, to be sure, but I think he was honestly sorry for what happened. Even so, he always stirred me to revenge. I was just twelve, and since even my father believed it was all Alex’s fault, I decided I hated Alexander Armistead.”
“But you don’t now—do you?”
“No.”
“When Uncle Edward wanted you to bring Alex home—did you still hate him then?”
“I didn’t know what I felt for sure. I’d been praying about it and doing my best to deal with it. I knew my brother’s death wasn’t Alex’s fault. My father knew it too and encouraged me to let go of my desire for revenge. I thought I had until I came here and Alex became part of my world again.
“When your uncle and sister decided that I would bring Alex home, I found myself filled with doubts. I knew Alex only through the thoughts and feelings of others. My brothers’ bad feelings and your family’s good ones. Once I had a chance to think about it, I knew I wanted to know Alex for myself.”
“And what do you think now?”
Lance chuckled. “I find I like him very much. He’s got a good heart.”
She nodded. “He does, and he loves my sister almost as much as I love you.”
He wrapped her in his strong arms. “Hope, I love you, and nothing that has happened to you will ever change that. Not the attack, nor the baby, nor even the lies. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together.”
Hope couldn’t help the sob that broke from her throat. She buried her face against his wool coat and cried. She cried for the loss of her friends and her innocence at the mission. She cried for the baby conceived in bitter anger but born to the love of a different mother.
But mostly she cried because for the first time since that November day in 1847, she finally felt the chains completely fall away. She was free. The truth had set her free. Fear could no longer command her. She wouldn’t let it. With God’s help, she would never again fall prey to its power.
Chapter
24
Someone was knocking on the front door. Mercy gave an exasperated sigh and dried her hands. All morning she’d been working to can potatoes, and one thing after another had called her away. The knock sounded again, this time a little heavier.
“I’m coming,” she called, crossing the room.
She dried her hands on her apron once more then opened the door. “Toby, what are you doing here?” She smiled and opened the door wider. “Come in.”
He crossed the threshold and pulled off his hat. “I wanted to speak to you private-like. Is that possible?”
Mercy’s smile faded. She knew what this was about. “The smaller sitting room is empty.” She pointed to the left. “We could talk there.”
He nodded, and Mercy stepped past him to lead the way. She was glad Hope had started a fire in the hearth. The damp cold combined with the unpleasant task at hand caused a shiver to wash over her.
“Please have a seat,” Mercy said, taking the upper hand. “I need to ask Hope to look after the canning for me. I’ll be right back.”
She hurried from the room before he could protest.
“Hope?”
Her sister was just coming into the kitchen through the back door.
“Toby’s here. Could you watch the potatoes for me?”
“Of course.” Hope frowned. “Are you going to refuse him like you planned?”
Mercy nodded. “Yes.” She sighed. “I have to.”
Hope gave her a hug. “I’ll be praying for you, and I’ll be right here if you need me.”
“Thank you.”
Mercy drew a deep breath and made her way back to the sitting room. Toby jumped to his feet, but before he could speak, Mercy held up her hand. “I know what this is all about. I know why you’ve come.”
“I’m glad you want to get right to the point,” Toby said, sitting down on the settee.
Mercy knew he expected her to join him, but instead she took the wooden chair by the fireplace. “You should know I haven’t changed my mind, Toby.”
His eyes narrowed. “But why? I know you care for me. We get along so well.”
“Toby, I’m your friend. We went to school together and go to the same church. I value your friendship, but Toby, I’m only fifteen and too young to marry.”
“As I said before, a lot of gals get married young.” She could hear the pleading in his voice.
“Yes, but that’s often because there’s a need for them to do so. Although some do marry for love, most marry because they have no other recourse. Either they’re alone without anyone to care for them, or their folks push them out to lessen the financial burden on the family. In my case, neither is an issue.”
“But you know how this would benefit us both.” His pleading tone matched the look of desperation on his face.
“I know it would garner you additional land, but it wouldn’t give you a happy life. I don’t love you as a wife should love a husband. I saw my sister Grace marry a man she didn’t love in order to get us all to Oregon. She was miserable, and so were the rest of us. I don’t want that for either you or myself. You deserve true love, Toby.”
He looked angry rather than hurt. “And nothing I say can change your mind?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I’m quite certain that my decision is the right one.”
At this Toby jumped up in a rage. “How can you possibly know what’s right? Your decision is that of a child.”
She knew he was just lashing out due to the pain of rejection, but she didn’t care for his temper. “Then you should feel grateful that I’ve refused you. After all, you wouldn’t want to be married to a child.”
This irritated him all the more.
Toby sneered. “I am grateful. You’re a stupid little girl, and I’m sorry I ever thought you’d make a good wife.”
He stormed from the room, leaving Mercy to stare after him, mouth agape. She’d never seen him lose
his temper like that. She heard him open the front door then slam it behind him.
Hope appeared in the doorway. “He’s wrong, you know.”
Mercy couldn’t shake her surprise. “I . . . well, I don’t know what to think. He’s never been so angry with me. In fact, I’ve never known him to be angry at all.”
“He’s the childish one, Mercy. He didn’t get the toy he wanted, so he’s throwing a fit. Pay him no mind. You made the right decision, and I’m proud of you. Maybe in time he’ll come to see the truth of it.”
Mercy leaned back in her chair and caught her breath. “Thank you, Hope. It helps to hear that. I just feel so . . . foolish. Maybe I am being stupid.”
Hope pulled up another wooden chair to sit directly in front of Mercy. “Toby will come around in time if he truly loves you, or he’ll stay mad at you, but either way he’s wrong to call you childish and stupid.” She reached out and held Mercy’s hand. “The opposite is true. Today you’ve made your first real adult decision.”
“But he was my friend, and I didn’t want to lose his friendship.” Mercy bit her lip and shook her head. “I guess being an adult isn’t always pleasant.”
Hope shook her head. “No. Not always.”
“How are you feeling?” Alex asked, coming to join Grace as she stood looking out the window.
She turned and smiled. “So much better. I can’t believe the difference a couple of weeks can make. I feel that I have my strength back . . . mostly because I have you back.” She put her hand atop her swollen midsection. “And I feel certain the baby is fine. He’s moving a lot, and I figure he’ll be like you.”
“You’re so sure it’s a boy?” Alex grinned and put his hand on her stomach as well.
“I am. I don’t know why, but I feel certain it’s a boy.”
“And have you come up with a name for this boy of ours?”
She smiled. “I’ve had a few thoughts on the matter.”
“Just a few?” He raised a single brow and tilted his head slightly.
Beloved Hope (Heart of the Frontier Book #2) Page 24
