by Jane Porter
“How?”
“I’m Beck’s father.”
“Okay. So you’ll settle down and raise him? You’ll stop putting your life in danger—”
“My life isn’t in danger.”
“Every time you compete, you’re risking your life.”
“Gross exaggeration.”
“I’ve read the statistics. The rodeo is dangerous.”
“Life is dangerous. I could get hurt in a car accident just as easily. Look at April—”
“Yes, look at April. She’s gone. Do we really need you gone, too?”
“Can you not jinx me? I try to avoid negative thoughts like that.”
“It’s called being mature and facing reality.”
He rose and scooped up his hat off the round table. “Well, I don’t like your reality. It’s pretty bleak, if you ask me.”
*
Erika winced as Billy left, closing the door firmly behind him. After he’d gone, she stared at the door a long moment, unsure of how she felt. On one hand she was elated that she’d been right. Billy Wyatt was Beck’s dad. But on the other, she was troubled that April hadn’t ever told Billy. She’d had nine months of pregnancy to let Billy know, and even if Billy had blocked her number, April wouldn’t have found it difficult to track him down. Erika didn’t know him and she’d still managed to find him, in three different places, three different weekends.
She rose from the bed, locked the door, and closed the curtains at the window, aware that in the end, what April did, or didn’t do, wasn’t important anymore. April wasn’t here. But Beck was, and Billy was, and father and son were finally together, the way they were supposed to be.
*
Erika had gone to bed feeling almost euphoric. She’d united a father and son and she’d be able to start getting caught up with her work. Billy would be able to take Beck for a good part of each day, giving her time for some undisturbed writing. The great thing about a laptop was that she could work almost anywhere, including a small motel room off the freeway.
Unfortunately, the next morning Billy got a call that Tommy’s truck broke down a couple hours east of Idaho Falls, and Billy was needed to collect Tommy’s trailer with the horses while Tommy had his truck towed to an auto shop. But instead of returning to Boise that night, Billy stayed with Tommy in Idaho Falls, and it was late Wednesday before they arrived in town, with Tommy’s truck still in the shop, waiting on a part from Salt Lake City.
Wednesday Billy wasn’t available because the body shop called and the part had come in and Tommy would be able to pick up his truck later that day, so Billy and Tommy planned to return to Idaho Falls after they worked out their horses and did some training. The brothers dropped by the motel on their way out of town, spending fifteen minutes playing with Beck before they climbed back in Billy’s truck.
Erika wouldn’t say she fumed as they drove away from the motel, but she was definitely anxious, and frustrated. She’d really wanted to get some solid work done this week, and so far, nothing. Beck wasn’t helping matters by deciding he wouldn’t nap for longer than thirty-minute stretches meant she couldn’t get anything done. She knew Billy had an appearance or something tomorrow, but surely there’d be some time in there where he could take care of Beck so she could focus for three or four hours.
But Thursday was just like the rest of the week, and Billy had sponsors who wanted to take him to breakfast and then he’d been invited to a local Rotary lunch where he’d been asked to say a few words to the group, thanking them for their support to the local charity all these years, a charity that Billy cared about, too. Thursday afternoon he needed to exercise his horses. Thursday evening he had an event to attend.
Friday he managed to squeeze in breakfast with Beck before he had to show up for Boise’s annual rodeo parade. He had an autograph session and another VIP something and then the rodeo itself that night, followed by a party after. She didn’t go to the Friday night rodeo. It was too late for Beck and she was too annoyed by Billy’s sense of self-importance. If every week was like this week, when would he have time for his son?
When would she get anything she needed done?
But Saturday morning arrived, and the sky was a gorgeous clear blue, and the sun shone brightly and Erika woke up feeling hopeful, optimistic despite the challenging week. Since the rodeo was a day event today, she also thought maybe she and Beck should go. She’d finally see her first rodeo, and perhaps she’d have a better idea of just what it was that Billy did.
She sent Billy a text that she and Beck would be heading to the rodeo grounds, and he replied that he’d left a ticket for her at WILL CALL.
Erika left the car seat in the car, strapping Beck into the baby carrier instead. She adjusted him in the carrier, making sure he was comfortably seated and strapped in, before locking the car and heading toward the entrance. Like Tucson, people were dressed up in western wear, denim and leather-fringed coats, jeans and boots, and of course lots of cowboy hats from expensive-looking felt Stetsons to the straw kind that looked as if they’d be found on a beach in Cancun.
Her ticket was waiting for her as promised, and she and Beck entered the grounds, and then bought a program because it seemed like the right thing to do. It would be Beck’s first souvenir of his dad’s career and Erika looked forward to leafing through it, too.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket and she pulled it out and checked the text message. Billy wanted her to come and say hello when she arrived. He told her to walk to the back where the livestock was and he’d be on the lookout for her.
She texted that she was on her way now, and she made her way through the throng to the pens with the horses and bulls. She eyed a big red bull warily. He gave her an equally unfriendly look.
She spotted Billy before he saw her. He was talking to a pretty cowgirl in skintight jeans, flashy white fringed chaps, and a snug turquoise western blouse. Her hat was the same color as her chaps and her long blonde hair hung in feminine ringlets down her back. The cowgirl was laughing a lot as she batted her thick false eyelashes at Billy. Apparently he was hilarious. Erika rolled her eyes, thinking he wasn’t that funny. But girls and women loved him. They couldn’t seem to get enough.
Billy saw Erika then and gave her a faint nod.
She tried to smash her irritation. She shouldn’t let his popularity bother her. She wasn’t interested in him. And she shouldn’t judge him. It wasn’t a good thing to do… with anyone.
She didn’t know what Billy said to the cowgirl, but the girl gave him a light pat on the chest and moved away, but not without shooting Erika a curious look. Her expression changed when she saw the baby. Erika didn’t know if she should feel vindicated or not.
“Glad you made it,” he said, reaching out to adjust the knit cap on Beck’s head. “Have any trouble getting in?”
“No.” Erika glanced at the back of the flashy cowgirl. “Is that woman a barrel racer?”
He followed her gaze, shook his head. “No. She’s part of Boise’s equestrian drill team.”
She arched a brow.
“Like flag girls without a flag. They perform choreographed routines on horses.”
“I’ve entered a world I knew nothing about.”
“And for your information, Lily was asking about Sam. She had a soft spot for him. I broke the news that he’s married now. No longer on the market.”
Erika shrugged carelessly. “I wasn’t worried.”
“You looked jealous.”
“I looked jealous?” She made a soft scoffing sound. “Not at all. Who you see, and what you do, is none of my business.” She glanced down at Beck who was squirming against her, his small feet reminding her that she needed to use a restroom soon. “I should find a restroom before I sit down. Do you know where any are?”
“There are portable toilets everywhere, and then some regular bathrooms under the stands. They’ll probably have long lines, so just be prepared.”
She dreaded taking Beck into a dirty bathroo
m, let alone a porta-potty. “Would you mind holding him for me while I go? Hopefully it won’t take too long, especially if I use one of the porta-potties.”
“My first event is coming up soon. I need to get ready.”
“You really don’t have ten minutes?”
“I wish I did. But I need to warm up and stretch, get focused—”
“You’re serious?”
“You could use the bathroom in my rig if you want. It’s a bit of a walk, but you’d have privacy and a clean place to put Beck.”
All week long she’d waited for him to step up and help out. All week she waited for him to think of her, and what she needed to do. All week, she’d tried to be patient, telling herself he’d eventually be there for her, but no, not once. It was only ever about him.
“So that’s a no,” she said quietly, flatly.
“Erika, my entire event lasts eight seconds. It’s a hard eight seconds. I’ve got to prepare—”
“You’re always going to have an excuse.”
“What does that mean?”
She’d heard how his voice dropped, a hard edge to his words, but she was too frustrated to care. “It means you will always come first—”
“Sorry, sweetheart, but this is my job. When I’m at work, work comes first.”
She was already angry, but when he called her sweetheart, in that condescending, insulting tone, talking to her as if she was stupid, a goodtime girl who needed to be put in her place, she just saw red. “You’re the big man. Gosh, it must feel good to be you.”
“You’re sure you want to be a therapist? Do you hear how you talk to people?”
“I’m not counseling you.”
“Perfect, because I didn’t ask for your input, nor do I need it.”
Her heart raced. Blood roared in her ears. “I haven’t been able to work in weeks. I haven’t had a chance to do anything for myself this week. And you’d said my work was important, too—”
“It is. But the weekends are mine. They’re when I work.”
“No, hotshot. The weekends are when I work, too. Or at least, when I’m supposed to work.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t have time for this. I need to go.”
“And what am I supposed to do?”
“Whatever you want to do. You’ve got your own car here, you can go back to the motel, and wait for the day to end. Or, you could sit in the stands, watch the rodeo.” He paused, flashed a smile that wasn’t particularly friendly. “Cheer me on.”
“You have responsibilities, Billy Wyatt.”
“And apparently so do you.”
*
Erika fumed as she drove back to the motel, thinking the last thing she wanted to do was sit in the stands and watch grown men ride and rope and do whatever else they did. Even though she’d been raised in Clovis, California, she wasn’t a fan of rodeos, and didn’t love anything about cowboy culture. She couldn’t even imagine how competing in small rodeos across the country could pay bills. It didn’t seem remotely like a real job.
Erika’s parents had been firmly middle class. They’d owned their own business in downtown Riverside, an escrow company her mom helped manage with her dad. Erika held numerous jobs throughout high school, something that proved essential when her parents divorced her senior year after discovering her mother—of all people—had been having an affair. The divorce was acrimonious and protracted and by the time they’d sold the business Erika’s freshman year of college, there wasn’t much left after all the legal fees. Her mother moved with her new love to a beach community in Oregon, and her father moved to Atlanta, wanting to get as far away from the West Coast as possible—which turned out to mean, getting away from her as well.
Arriving back at the motel, Erika discovered housekeeping was in her room, and she took the baby carrier and diaper bag to the motel’s reception where she could find a discrete corner to sit and give Beck a bottle. The middle-aged woman at the reception desk was cheerful and talkative, asking Erika about Beck’s age and commenting on how he seemed like a really good baby.
Erika flashed a quick smile as she lifted Beck from his car seat and sat him up on her lap. She could feel his wet diaper and needed to change him, but would wait until she was back in her room. “He is a good baby,” she agreed, fixing his bottle next. “As long as you keep his tummy full, he’s a happy guy.”
“Typical man,” the motel receptionist retorted.
Erika smiled and popped the bottle’s nipple into the baby’s mouth. “Are you from Boise?” she asked, just being conversational.
“Born and raised,” the woman said proudly.
“This is my first time here. Beautiful area. Love the mountains.”
“Here for the rodeo?”
Erika wasn’t sure how to answer that. Finally, she said, “I’ve a friend in town.”
“Well, if you’ve got time, check out the rodeo. It’s a lot of fun. There should be some bleacher seats open. I’m heading over as soon as I get off work.”
“I don’t know much about the rodeo,” Erika confessed, and that much was true. She’d never actually watched one, although she’d come close today, but Billy had made her so angry that she wasn’t going to sit there and watch him, not after he’d been something of a jerk.
“I’m a fan. I go every year.” The woman leaned across the counter. “Some of those boys are good-looking. In fact, some of the families and friends stay here. You’ll see them pulling in later. You can recognize them by their hats and boots.”
April came to mind. April in the photo book, naked save a cowboy hat. Suddenly Erika wanted to be anywhere but sitting here. She put Beck back in his car seat, clicked the straps into place and lifted the seat and diaper bag. “I’m sure my room is ready by now,” she said. “Thanks for letting me hang out here for a bit.”
“Thanks for the company. Don’t forget to check out the rodeo later. You’ll be glad you did.”
The sun and excitement must have worn Beck out because once they were back in the cool motel room, and Erika had drawn the blackout curtains, Beck fell asleep and slept for hours.
Erika told herself this would be the perfect time to work, but she was too upset. Too frazzled. Too frustrated.
She flopped on the queen-size bed and tried to nap herself, but she couldn’t relax, her brain spinning this way and that.
She hated being mad. She hated that awful hot almost out of control feeling she felt when her temper flared. She’d never given in to outbursts when growing up—she wasn’t allowed the luxury—and she’d learned to bottle everything inside. But as she grew up, and learned to live independently, she’d begun trying to deal with her emotions instead of just smashing them down and going numb.
She wasn’t numb now. She felt emotional and angry and incredibly confused.
She’d been adamant about uniting Beck with his father. She’d also been adamant that she wasn’t going to get attached to Beck. She wasn’t looking to be a single mom. She wasn’t looking to be a mom, not for years, not until she’d met other goals, and they were goals that had to be accomplished in the proper order.
Graduate degree.
Work.
Build career, build financial security.
Date.
Meet someone solid and trustworthy.
Have a long engagement, develop relationship.
Get married.
Spend a few years as a couple, focusing on marriage.
Then get pregnant and start a family.
There were steps to be taken, steps that would ensure she wasn’t making a mistake, or rushing into anything.
Because school had been her number one priority, Erika hadn’t been dating. Her last ‘boyfriend’ had been almost three years ago, and her last date fourteen months ago, and that date, tepid and uninspiring, made her realize she’d rather be alone than with someone who bored her. And so she wrote off men and dating until she’d accomplished more of her goals, and she’d been focused exclusively on her go
als until April died and she got the call that she was April’s backup plan for Beck.
For the past month Erika’s goals, those goals she’d carefully nurtured, had been shoved to a back burner, but she couldn’t leave her goals there.
She couldn’t leave herself on the back burner.
If she had the means, if she thought she could support Beck, she’d pack him up and head back home right now. She’d let Billy find her and come up with a parenting plan that made sense, but until then, she’d take care of Beck the way she always had—with love and patience.
Even if she hadn’t become attached to Beck, she still wouldn’t like the thought of him living in a trailer, traveling from rodeo to rodeo. That was no life for a baby.
If Billy settled down, if he took a job, for example, on a ranch like the Wyatt ranch, or even better, settled down in Montana on the Wyatt ranch itself, he could be a proper parent.
She knew with her head, that Beck would eventually be fine with Billy, too. If she didn’t over analyze Billy’s career, she had to admit that he was successful in his chosen field. He was also a man from a close-knit family. He had one brother that would soon be a father. He had two sisters-in-law he could go to should he need input from a grounded female.
Erika was no longer needed, not in the way she’d been needed a month ago. And she’d accomplished what she had set out to do. She was free to go. And she ought to go. She had so much to do back home, and the most practical thing was return to her life with that ever present looming deadline.
But she was loath to leave Beck. She’d miss his warmth and the cuddles. She’d miss his smell and his big toothless smile. She’d miss his blue eyes and the way he splashed in his bath, slapping the water as hard as he could just to make her laugh. Beck had somehow crawled into her heart and it was going to hurt, letting him go.
It would be hard, too, returning to her life in Riverside after this month of baby kisses and company. In California, she lived a quiet life without people, a life where she sat hunched over her desk for hours and hours at a time. Computer, books, online articles, writing. It wasn’t meant to be punitive, but it had begun to feel that way. Just spending time with the Wyatts had made her realize how much she missed family and friends… people.
