by Jane Porter
“I’m not a fan of formal religion for that very reason. I think there should be a lot more compassion and forgiveness. People need love. I didn’t attend a lot of church when I was a boy, but Granddad read the bible to us every night and we always said grace and prayers. Granddad said the most important thing we could do was treat people well and to love. Love God, love your family, love your neighbor.”
She turned and looked at him. “And your enemy?”
“Probably love your enemy most of all, but that’s not as easy.”
“Which is why it probably needs to be done.”
“Agreed.” He looked at her a long moment, expression serious. “Are you okay?”
“Yes. Why?”
“You seem… sad. Upset.”
“Now who is the therapist?” she flashed, forcing a light smile. “Would you like breakfast? I’m ready to try fried eggs, if you want them.”
“I’d love a shower first.”
“I’ll take Beck, you shower, and then I’ll make breakfast.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
She crossed to him and reached down for Beck who’d just drifted off. As she leaned over to pick him up her gaze met Billy’s and held. They were just inches apart, so close she could feel his breath on her lips and see tiny silver bits in his blue irises. He was gorgeous from afar and heart stopping close. She wanted a kiss. Wanted his warmth. She saw the moment he registered her desire. His gaze darkened and smoldered. Her mouth dried and a shiver coursed through her. Why couldn’t she kiss him?
Why couldn’t she do what she’d been thinking about?
Her gaze dropped to his mouth. He had a perfect mouth, perfect lips.
“A kiss won’t be enough,” he said, his deep voice raspy, scratching across her senses as if she’d stroked sandpaper.
She looked back into his eyes. They glowed bright. “It would if it was a bad one,” she whispered.
“It won’t be bad. Nothing between us could ever be bad.”
And just like that, a frisson of excitement shot through her, making her dizzy and breathless. “You know just what a woman likes to hear,” she said, easing the baby from his arms, and taking several steps back.
Some of the fire faded from his eyes. “This isn’t about anyone else. This is about me and you.”
“But we can’t have a me and you, can we?” She struggled to keep her tone even, pleasant. “It’d be just sex.”
“Sex is wonderful.”
She focused on slipping Beck into his new reclining bouncy seat, and then strapped the little belt so he’d be secure. She adjusted the belt a little bit more to keep from meeting Billy’s eyes. “Sex makes cute little babies like this guy.”
“If we did it, we’d use protection.” Billy rose. “But we’re not going to do it. We can’t do it. It’d change everything, and that wouldn’t be fair to Beck, or you.”
She managed a jerky nod. “Thank you for keeping an eye on the big picture. I appreciate it.”
“You know I find you incredibly attractive—”
“Let’s not do this.” She gave him a bright, fierce smile, one with lots of teeth. “We both know what’s at stake, and we’ve both agreed it’d be a mistake. Now let me go sort out breakfast. And it might just have to be scrambled again today. I don’t think I can handle trying anything new.”
After making breakfast, eggs for both of them, Erika carried her plate into her bedroom and sat down on the bed to work and eat. For ten minutes, she struggled to focus on the screen but her mind was completely blank.
She felt angry. Embarrassed. Frustrated. Furious. That whole conversation had been miserable. Being told by Billy what they could, and couldn’t do, ticked her off.
He made it sound like he was the wise one, the one with discipline and maturity. If he was so mature, why did he only want sexual relationships? Why didn’t he want emotional connections? Why did he run away from anything that remotely resembled love?
If he was so wise, why was he attracted to her in the first place?
She wasn’t his type. She didn’t like cowboys. She hated the rodeo. She disagreed with most of the decisions he’d ever made in life. He was foolish and arrogant and stubborn and completely in denial when it came to his own mortality.
And yet she wanted to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight. She wanted to press her face to his chest and breathe him in and let his warmth sink into her. And maybe some of his courage and bravado. As well as his humor. She loved his laughter, and the way he smiled, and that little groove next to his mouth that deepened when he was holding back a smile.
She was crazy about him.
Crazy, stupid.
Blinking back tears, she left the bed, and carried her plate back to the kitchen. Billy was there, at the sink, doing dishes with one arm.
“I was going to do those later,” she said.
“No biggie. It’s my turn.”
“I don’t mind—”
“You’re not a maid.” He turned the water off, and faced her. “I do need to get you some money, though. You’ve spent weeks taking care of Beck, weeks where you can’t work your other jobs.”
“I don’t want your money. He’s my cousin.”
“That was our deal.”
“There was no deal, Billy. Beck needed me and I wasn’t about to leave him, not until he’d formed a strong attachment to you.”
“Has he?” Billy asked, his gaze narrowed.
“Are you asking my personal opinion or my professional opinion?”
“Has he bonded enough with me for him to not suffer when you leave?”
She winced. “I can’t answer that.”
“Why not?”
“Because—” She broke off, swallowed hard. “In general, babies less than six months old adjust better to a loss of a primary adult than babies who are older. As long as Beck’s needs are met, he should ultimately thrive.”
“Why was that so hard to say?”
She shrugged uncomfortably. “It’ll be an adjustment though. Babies don’t understand the concept of time, so he might be upset by my absence. Initially.” She couldn’t stand this conversation. She didn’t even want to be in this house anymore. “I’m thinking of heading into town to go shopping. Need diapers, wipes, maybe a few outfits. Just something comfy for the day as he’s getting big.”
“We can go to Bryce.”
“Sam had mentioned I’d find basics there.” She hesitated. “But you don’t have to go. Beck and I can make the drive together.”
“You don’t know your way.”
“I have GPS on my phone.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“Billy.”
“Yes, Erika?”
She looked away, counted to ten. “Don’t you think we need some time apart?”
“I think what we need is fresh air. We have cabin fever. And I have just the remedy for that.”
She watched him turn the water back on and rinse the skillet he’d been washing earlier. “Where will we go?”
“You’ll see,” he answered, setting the skillet on the counter.
“How should I dress?”
“In clothes.” He grinned. “Unless you’d rather not?”
“Are you having fun?”
“I am.”
He was, too. She could hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. He was in a good mood and enjoying teasing her. “I probably will wear clothes. It’s a bit brisk out there.”
“Alright then, since you’re determined to wear clothes, put on something comfortable, something with layers, and shoes you can walk in.”
Sounded like they’d be getting some exercise. Good. She needed it. “And Beck?”
“Layers for sure, but I’m not sure he’s ready to do much walking.”
“You haven’t bought him cowboy boots yet? I’m shocked.”
Billy’s lips quirked and his blue eyes crinkled at the corners. “Who said I haven’t bought him boots? Maybe you just haven’t seen them.”
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They left the house twenty minutes later, with the baby carrier, a full diaper bag, and lots of formula.
Billy’s window was halfway down and the air blew through the truck, crisp and invigorating. Even as dazzling spring sunshine blinded them, Erika didn’t ask where they were going, content to let Billy drive, and he did, traveling the single lane highway through a narrow valley, next to a river that bordered pastures where herds of cattle and bison grazed. She leaned on her door, soaking up the scenery, thinking it was nice to be a passenger and just sit back and relax. Not that she could relax too long. After their drive, she had to get back to work. Needed to find a way to focus again.
The distant pink mountains grew more weathered and impressive as they approached. Gradually, the rugged pink stone turned into striking red rocks, reminding Erika of Thunder Mountain at Disneyland. The rock formations were stunning and she leaned out her window taking pictures of them, begging Billy to slow down so she could get yet another photo.
*
Billy was amused by her enthusiasm. Over the years, he’d taken family and friends out to see Bryce, but his friends were unexpressive dudes who undoubtedly enjoyed the scenery but didn’t communicate this awe and wonder. He rather liked her awe and wonder and slowed to a crawl at her request so she could snap a photo of the massive red rock they were about to drive through.
“What are you going to do with all these photos?” he asked.
She caught her hair in her hand to keep it from blowing everywhere, and yet long golden tendrils still danced around her face, clinging to her lashes. “Look at them. Remember how beautiful it is.”
He shot her an appreciative glance. She was beautiful. A fresh, natural beauty. “Wait until you see Bryce Canyon. You’ll love it. We’re going to do an easy trail, nothing too demanding since you’ll have Beck and I have myself.”
She laughed, the sound bubbly and buoyant. “I’d rather carry Beck than you,” she said. “You’d be a smidge too heavy.”
He looked at her again, thinking she was glowing, her eyes—that unusual turquoise blue green—bright, her lips curved. She reminded him of a cowgirl. Strong, smart, full of heart. Erika had a country vibe, even if she didn’t know it.
She was everything he liked, everything he could want in a woman. Without wanting to, he’d developed feelings for her. She was on his mind more often than not lately. Unfortunately, what he wanted to do with her was more wicked than sweet. He wanted her and being alone with her in the house only made the desire stronger.
He liked her in his house, though, and didn’t want to think about the day she wouldn’t be there anymore.
She’d made his place cozy. Homey. And it had never been that before. It was a cabin. Practical. Rustic. Undemanding. It was always there when he needed it and nobody fussed when he left.
But it felt different with a baby and a woman in it. It was as if it had become a family home and it was strange and yet rather wonderful at the same time. He hadn’t thought he’d want, or need, a homey place, but he’d grown accustomed to having company. He liked waking up and finding Erika in the kitchen, or seeing her curled up in a chair, reading. He liked the way she’d look up at him and smile. He liked the sound of her voice and the way she sang even though she didn’t carry a tune, and somehow the fact that she liked to sing and hum, even though she wasn’t a talented singer, made him enjoy it even more. She wasn’t perfect, and she wasn’t pretending to be perfect. She was just herself, and that was what made her special. She was who she was, and in his mind, she was exactly right, and exactly who she was meant to be.
“How are you coming with your dissertation?” he asked, drawing his wallet from his back pocket and he approached the park entrance. “Getting all that writing down?”
She hesitated. “I guess.”
He flashed his annual park membership card at the park ranger and was waved in. “That doesn’t sound very convincing.”
“I’m making some progress. Maybe not quite as much as I’d hoped.”
“I can hire a sitter. Boom’s mom, Ellen, would love regular work.”
“That just doesn’t seem right.”
“What doesn’t seem right is you not completing something you’ve spent years working on.”
“I’m not giving up on it, but it doesn’t feel as important as everything else happening right now.”
He wasn’t that easily placated. “But it is important. It’s incredibly important. This is your degree, your career—”
“Yes,” she interrupted with a sigh. “It is. It’s very important. But let’s not think about it today. It just feels so good to be out. I am loving all this Utah scenery. It feels like we’re having an adventure—” She broke off and flashed him another one of her quick smiles that warmed her eyes and made her generous lips curve, revealing her small, straight white teeth.
He felt a tug in his chest, gratitude and something else, because when Erika smiled, she was radiant. There was no woman more beautiful than her.
“I love adventures,” she added. “Don’t you?”
He felt that tug in his chest again. It was such an inexplicable emotion. Not exactly good, but not exactly bad. Unsettling was more like it. “I like my adventures, too,” he said pulling into a parking lot that was half empty. Easter was late this year, practically the last week of April, and by then there would be more tourists, but it was still early in the season and they’d have most of the park trails to themselves. “That’s why I love being on the pro circuit. Every week, every rodeo is a new adventure.”
“I think your idea of an adventure and mine are very different.” She gave a little sniff, her nose in the air. “In my adventures, I don’t almost die.”
He laughed, because she made him laugh. He didn’t think he’d ever met a woman so opposite of him in every way, but their differences didn’t bother him. If anything, he liked it. He liked her, more than he should. Billy turned off the engine and faced her. “I have no death wish. I’m not riding bulls and broncs because I don’t have other choices. I’m doing it because I’m good at it. I like it, and I like that I can make a lot of money doing it.”
“I’ve heard you say that a couple of times, and I see what you’ve been able to do with your earnings, or whatever you call it in cowboy speak, but at some point, when is it enough? Can’t you invest what you’ve already earned and find something less dangerous to do?”
“I could, but I like what I do. I love what I do. And I know you don’t like it but you don’t have to. That’s okay. Being a cowboy is my thing.” He opened his door then, ready to get out and move, as well as move on from this topic. He knew how she felt about his career, but it was his career. She had her path. He had his. And sometimes the differences between them were charming, but other times, like now when they were discussing his passion, her opinion aggravated him. He was a man that went by the motto, live and let live. It was a good motto, one his grandfather had ascribed to, and it had seen Billy through some challenging situations.
Erika quickly checked Beck’s diaper—he was wet—so she did a fast diaper change on the passenger seat of the truck and then put on the baby carrier and strapped him in on her chest.
They set off on a dirt trail and moments later came to the edge of a cliff with the most stunning view of pink and crimson rock formations. The entire valley stretched before them, all chiseled pink and red, studded with magnificent pink rocks.
“Beautiful,” she whispered.
“Bryce Amphitheater,” he said, before pointing with his right arm to the unusual spire rock formations. “And those are hoodoos.”
“Hoodoos?” she repeated, and just saying the word made her smile.
“It is a great word, isn’t it? You should see the amphitheater at sunrise or sunset. That’s when you get all the photographers out, trying to capture the perfect shot.”
“Does it get crowded here?”
“Yes, but nothing like Zion, southwest of here. Zion draws a lot more people, whic
h is why I avoid it, but one day you should see it.”
“I had no idea Utah was so beautiful.”
“There’s so much to see in this part of the state. Grand Staircase, Escalante, Capitol Reef, the little historic towns Fruita, and Torrey. I never have enough time to just explore, but that’s the plan for one of these days.”
“I’ve spent so much time on a university campus I sometimes forget there’s a big world out there just waiting to be discovered.”
“Feel like walking?”
“Absolutely.”
*
They’d walked down a slope for twenty minutes, passing gnarled trees and through walls and arches of stunning pink stone. Beck was so light he was easy to carry, and the fresh air and views, so stunning at every turn, made Erika feel as if she was walking in an enchanted wonderland. They paused midway down the mountain to soak it up and let Erika take some more photos.
But Erika wasn’t ready to start walking again. She’d been feeling guilty ever since they parked and it was time she got it off her chest. “I’m sorry if I sound so negative about your career. I don’t mean to be—” She broke off, drew a breath, and tried again. “It’s none of my business, what you do, but I just… care… about you. I care about you a lot, and I’d hate for anything to happen to you. You’re such a good person, a really wonderful person, I just want you to stay safe, and be here fifty years from now.”
Billy didn’t immediately answer. “I don’t know who I would be without the rodeo. It’s who I am. It’s what defines me.”
“That’s not really true, you know,” Erika said quietly, giving Beck’s back a little rub through the soft fabric of the navy carrier. “You would still be you. Smart, funny, kind, courageous, Billy Wyatt.”
He said nothing. She could see he was troubled.
“If I’d met you apart from the rodeo,” she added, “and I just met you and I knew nothing about your fame or success, I’d think you were intriguing. The rodeo doesn’t make you interesting, you make the rodeo interesting.”
He glanced down at her, expression shuttered. “That’s nice of you.”
