by Willow Rose
"You have to tell Dad," Anna said.
Julia nodded, then finally reached out and grabbed her daughter. She pulled Anna close and hugged her, trying to be comforting and not let her feel the panic that was slowly spreading inside of her.
They heard steps at the front door and let go of each other. Julia wiped a tear away and looked at her daughter. "Daddy is home. I'll talk to him, okay?"
Anna nodded. Julia heard Andrew call out from the living room. "Hello? Is anyone home? Where are my girls?"
His face appeared in the kitchen and his smile froze when he looked into their eyes. "Hey. What's going on here? Why the long faces? I thought we were going to celebrate? Huh?"
Julia looked at her handsome husband. They had been through a lot in their life together, but it had been a good life. She loved him still, even when he worked too much, or when he told them to forget where they came from. She could overlook all that because she loved him and loved the life they had together. She liked to see him happy like this, all excited about his new grant that he had worked so hard to get. How could she destroy his happiness like this? He was going to be devastated. How was she supposed to do this?
"There’s nothing convenient about cancer," the doctor had said. "There is no right time to get it or to tell the people we love."
He could say that again. Most of all, Julia just wanted to close her eyes and hope for it all to go away. It was so odd to sit there, feeling fine, a woman in her prime and then…well…knowing that inside of her was this ticking bomb.
"Sit down, Andrew," Julia finally said with an exhale. "We need to talk."
Chapter 44
Fort Lauderdale, April 2010
They never told him to his face that she was going to die. But as March gave away to April, Andrew began to fear that she would. Everything was a clattering mess inside of him. Everything seemed to be screaming in his head, yet he kept his cool outwardly when going to doctor after doctor, hospital after hospital, sometimes even in other states for tests, to meet with specialists, searching for answers, asking about new treatment, looking for that infamous straw to hold on to, that last thin one, the one made entirely out of hope.
But by mid-April, Andrew understood that he wasn't going to find it. Others did, but not them. Finally, the doctors admitted to them that the cancer had spread and they were losing the battle. They tried a new type of experimental drug, but all it did was make her even weaker. Finally, it was Julia who made the call.
"No more drugs," she said one morning when they woke up, her calm pale face turned towards him, her dark eyes fixated on his. "No more medicine, no more treatments."
That was the first time he saw it. Her eyes had turned from their usual almond brown to pitch black. All color seemed to have left her skin, like life was slowly oozing out of her, leaving nothing but a colorless shell for him to love.
Had it been a month ago or maybe just even several weeks ago, Andrew would have objected to her quitting treatment, but this morning, he didn't. He understood. He had seen the agony and pain she went through and knew.
He grabbed her hand in his and rubbed his thumb on the paper-thin skin. "All right. As you wish."
Anna didn't leave her mother's side during the day. They tried to make her go to school, but she refused. Force didn't help, and soon Andrew was called to the school. He told them the situation and they decided to let Anna stay out of school till after summer break, as long as she came in and did her FSA testing and district tests to make sure she could move on in next school year. Luckily, Anna was way ahead of the other kids in school, so her missing the rest of the year was not a problem and she aced all the tests they made her take. For the first several weeks, Andrew had tried to keep up his work, but soon he found himself sitting in his office, staring at the wall, books lying open in front of him, but not remembering a word he had read. He started to skip his classes, persuading colleagues to take some for him or just calling in sick. Other days, he wouldn't come in at all and soon the faculty started to ask questions. Andrew was given a leave of absence to take care of his wife.
Andrew watched the two of them while they talked so intimately in the morning hours when Anna came in and lay on her mother's bed. Those were the moments when Julia was mostly aware, mostly awake. They would lie like that for hours, talking, laughing, crying, holding hands, and hugging. Andrew got a little jealous from time to time of their closeness, but it also warmed his heart. The thought of Julia leaving him, and especially Anna, broke his heart with sorrow and terror. What was he going to do without her? How much was she going to suffer? How much was Anna going to suffer?
It was while pondering over these things, while peeling potatoes for this night's dinner, Andrew was disturbed by a knock on his door. He sniffled, wiped his hands, and hurried to the door, while he could hear Anna and Julia chatting upstairs.
Outside the door stood a man whose face he recalled but hadn't seen since he just met Julia. It was Julia's older brother, the head of her family. They had hardly heard from him since the wedding. He had been against them marrying, and that was why they had married outside of the reservation. Yet another reason for Andrew turning his back on the place of his childhood.
"Jim?"
Jim wasn't alone. With him, he had brought all the elders and George Johnson, the medicine man. They were all standing behind him, dark serious eyes looking at him.
"We've come to take Julia home," Jim said.
Chapter 45
Fort Lauderdale, April 2010
"There’s no way I’m letting you take her back to the reservation."
Andrew had let them all inside and was serving them tea. They began mumbling amongst each other. Julia's aunt, Cora, smiled compassionately at Andrew. "You should come home, Andrew. All of you. We can take care of you and Julia. You need family around in times like these. Anna needs us too.”
The rest of the group mumbled in agreement. Andrew poured tea in cups and handed them out. He felt agitated and angry with them for coming here.
"You should have come earlier, Andrew," George Johnson said.
Andrew sat down. "You're not taking her back there. This is our home. Anna needs to be with her mother now and that's all we can deal with right now. It won't be good for Julia to be pulled away from this place. It's our home."
"Your home is with your family," Cora said.
"This is my family," Andrew said. "I have Anna, I have Julia, and I have neighbors."
"These neighbors of yours, they bring you food?" Cora asked.
"No," Andrew said. "But I’m sure they would if I asked them to."
Cora lifted up a basket and pulled out several covered dishes that she placed on the table. She looked at Andrew.
"With family, you don't have to ask."
Andrew sighed. He felt sick to his stomach from worry and pain and had no idea how to deal with this, with these people that had invaded his house all of a sudden. He didn't want Julia to know they were here. She would only feel guilty, and that was the last thing he wanted for her. Julia hadn't wanted anyone to know she was sick, especially not her family. They had discussed it back when they still both believed she would survive, but not since.
"I'm sorry," he said. "We'll deal with this on our own."
Mumbling again. Andrew was getting tired of this. “Listen. It's very sweet of you to come here and…well, whatever it is you’re doing, but Julia just needs to be with her family, her husband and daughter. She is tired and needs her rest. So, if you would please just…leave us alone."
Mumbling again. Andrew sighed. It was about this time he usually walked up there and told Anna to let her mother get some rest. He worried she was going to be exhausted if he didn't get up there soon.
Finally, Cora spoke through the mumbling. "If Andrew doesn't want our help, we can't help him."
They all mumbled something that sounded like agreement. Jim got up. He looked angry. Cora pushed him forward, then grabbed Andrew's hand and held it between hers. Sh
e smiled.
"Think about it, Andrew. It would be good for all of you to come home."
Andrew felt a stir inside of him and suddenly, without planning to, he answered in a fit of rage.
"This is my home. We will never come back to the reservation; we consider ourselves lucky to have left. Now, get out of my house. Get out, all of you." Andrew snorted and grabbed the plate with fried bread and handed it back to Cora. "And take all that food with you. We don't need it. We don't need anything from you. Now. Get. Out!"
Chapter 46
Fort Lauderdale, April 2010
"Who were you yelling at?"
Julia looked at him with those dark eyes. Andrew had told Anna to go downstairs and play while Mommy got some rest. Now he was helping her get some water before her nap.
Andrew sighed. "They came here. Everyone."
"Who?"
"Jim, George, Cora, all the elders."
"They were here? And you yelled at them?"
He exhaled. "They wanted to take you home. I told them you were home and they kept bugging me about it. I might have lost it a little. It's just…"
Julia grabbed his arm. "It's a lot for you right now, I know."
"Don't worry about me," Andrew said.
"But I do. I worry about you."
He smiled, tired. "They just make me so mad."
He looked into Julia's eyes. They had agreed on a normal funeral. Outside the reservation, and that had pleased him. He knew she had agreed to it for his sake because she knew it was what he wanted. It was, after all, he who was going to be left, not her, she had said. He was the one who had to go through the funeral and it was hard enough as it was without having to go back there.
He was done with those people. There was no way they were going to drag him back in again. He had left—they had left—turned their backs on the people who weren't there for him when he had needed them as a child. When his dad drank and beat his mother. Once, he had called the tribal police for help, when his dad had grabbed the kitchen knife and stabbed his mother and threatened to kill her, but no one ever came. Andrew had to tackle his father to get the knife from him, all alone, eight years old. Where had they been then? Where were they with all their promises of this family that was always there, helping? They would cook, yes, leave entire dinners at their doorstep from time to time, but how did that help an eight-year-old when his dad pulled a knife on his mother?
"You have to get some rest," he said and kissed Julia's forehead.
She grabbed his arm as he was about to leave. He looked at her. "Promise me to listen to your daughter."
He wrinkled his forehead. "Of course. What do you mean?"
"She is wise beyond her years."
"I know that. Don't worry, Julia."
"She really has a gift. She does travel. And she sees him, Andrew. She sees her brother, Lucas. You remember Lucas, don't you?"
Andrew swallowed hard. He did remember. How could he say he didn’t? "We lost him, Julia. Of course I remember."
She smiled. A blissful smile, not quite of this world. "He's with her. Every night when she leaves this place, she goes to him, she spends time with him."
"You're delirious. You don't know what you're saying. It's the drugs."
Andrew looked at the bedside table. The doctor had prescribed a bunch of morphine for Julia to help her through the pain. It was the only medicine she took. That and a sleeping pill every now and then to make sure she got her rest.
"No, Andrew," she said. Beads of sweat sprang onto her forehead. "It's true. Promise me you'll talk to her about it, about her traveling. When I leave, you're all she has. Promise me, Andrew."
Julia was piercing her long nails into his skin and it hurt. Her eyes were staring wildly at him. The smell of decay was already on her breath. A morbid part of him wondered all of a sudden how long her hair and nails would take to decompose in the ground.
"You have to promise me, Andrew. No matter if you believe her or not, you listen to her stories, you hear me? You let her be who she is."
Her nails were hurting him. He nodded. "I will. I promise."
With a deep sigh, Julia let go and, like a deflated balloon, sank back in between her sheets that seemed almost heavy on her body.
Chapter 47
Hollywood Florida, April 2010
She was walking home from school on the rez when she saw him. He was standing in the middle of the road, holding his umbrella.
Anna stopped with a gasp. She had seen him every day for at least a month now. At least once during her time here, he would show himself. He never approached her, nor uttered a word to her, he simply stood there, staring at her.
Anna had a knot in her stomach, worrying about her mother. Right now, she was sleeping in the other world, but she knew she was getting close to the end now. Anna had felt it when she was with her. She believed her mother knew it as well. It was not only in her eyes that were growing blacker and blacker, or in her pale skin, it was also in what she chose to talk about. It was no longer random things that she would discuss. No, it was like she was getting her affairs in order, like she was making sure everything was said before they could speak no more.
The clock was running out. Tick-tock.
Anna wondered if she would be able to see her again and had already planned to go to other worlds once she was gone, to try and look for her. She remembered what her grandmother had said:
“The universe is like a loaf of bread. Every world, everything we know takes place on one slice, the worlds living alongside each other in multiverses. But every now and then, crumbs migrate off one slice of bread onto another as a result of collisions. We are those crumbs.”
If that was true, then there could easily be another version of her mother somewhere else, even if Anna hadn't met her yet. It was possible, even though her grandmother had told her it wasn't worth it. That she had to be careful.
"A traveler's biggest risk is getting lost. To lose one's mind. You'll end up torn between so many worlds you won't know what is real and what is not. What if you can't find your way back?"
Anna sighed and looked at the Umbrella Man standing in the road in front of her. She was sick of just seeing him there, of just pretending he wasn't there, so she decided to approach him, walking with determined steps. She came close, but still not enough to see his face, only his mouth and chin.
"Who are you?" she asked.
He opened his mouth and spoke. His voice had the ring of hell to it, she thought. It left her shivering.
"The question is, who are you?"
"I know who I am, but I don't know who you are. Why are you staring at me?" Anna said, placing her hands at her sides to show she wasn't afraid, even though she was terrified.
"You're afraid," he said.
"No," she answered defiantly. "Am not."
I feel your fear.
"What was that?" She looked at the strange man. She had heard him speak, but not seen his mouth move. "What did you say?"
"Why are you afraid?" the man said.
Your fear is what draws me to you.
Again, she could hear him speak, but he didn't open his mouth. "How do you do that?" she said, sounding angry. "Stop it."
Stop what? Speaking to you?
"Yes, stop that. I don't like it."
The Umbrella Man lifted the umbrella so she could finally see his pale yet blistered face. A set of almost purple eyes stared at her.
"Hey, I know where I’ve seen you before," Anna said, then gasped. "You…you were in the eye of that bird, the blackbird. You were watching me like you're watching me now. Why are you watching me?" The next part she spoke the way he had spoken to her, without moving her lips:
What do you want from me?
She saw a smile appear on the bottom of his face. I need your eyes, little girl. I need your eyes to see.
Chapter 48
Fort Lauderdale, April 2010
Meanwhile, in Anna's other world, her mother had stopped breathing in t
he middle of the night. Andrew woke up at four a.m. only to realize his wife was being too quiet. Panic erupted as he shook her to try and wake her. Tears streamed across his face as he screamed the name of the woman he had shared his life with.
The ambulance came fast, the paramedics filled the room. It was a little like being crazy, like people were screaming at him, yelling words he didn't understand or didn't hear properly, while he watched everything in a haze, cursing himself for not being able to do anything to save the life of the woman he loved.
They managed to get her heart beating again and rushed her out of the room, yelling, while the screaming continued inside of him, even after they had left and he told them he would come after them in his car, with their daughter.
Anna was already awake, standing in the doorway of her room, terror in her young eyes.
They didn't need to speak, and no one said a word in the car on the way there. They rushed inside and were told to wait in a windowless room with chairs in a faded blue color lined up against a gray wall. They assumed they were supposed to sit down, but Andrew couldn't. Anna, on the other hand, did sit down, hands in her lap, staring at them like they hid the secrets to life itself.
Andrew was crying, walking back and forth, rubbing his hands, repeating the words, “oh, no, oh dear God, no, oh no,” over and over again, followed by: “Please don't let her die. Please.”
Finally, he sat down next to Anna. That was when he realized tears were streaming down her cheeks. He only saw it because the tears spilled down on her pants and had left quite the mark. She was sitting with her head bent forward, her hair covering most of her face. He pushed it aside.
