Then on Friday, the text.
You didn’t need to leave.
Was he upset? Was he just being nice? Was he totally pissed that I’d taken off like some jerk? Because I’d been a little pissed at myself. I should have woken him and said goodbye. I’d been afraid of what would happen if I woke him up.
I was just about to text back when he texted first.
Can you do an appearance tomorrow? Farmer’s Market in SoHo.
That text I was sure I could read correctly. He was being business-like. That was his flat tone. He was being the boss. I felt cold suddenly. Was he hurt? Was he just annoyed? I had no idea and I was too afraid to ask.
Sure. Just let me know what time.
I waited for a response and my thumbs hovered over the letters, my heart thudding, as I tried to think of something to add.
How is Tyler? Justin texted.
That made me smile anyway. I liked it when he expressed concern for Tyler.
Doing much better. Should be good tomorrow.
I suddenly wanted to bring Tyler with us. I’d been nervous about that before, too determined to keep him out of this. There was also my father. I had always been a little afraid of what would happen once my father found out I had a son. And yet, for all I knew, he’d already discovered it. New York wasn’t so big. He lived on Long Island now on a massive estate. He could’ve found out somehow and anyway, wasn’t I being too paranoid?
In truth, I just really wanted to pretend that not only was Justin my mate but that he was Tyler’s new dad. I wanted to pretend we were a family, even if only for one afternoon.
By Saturday morning, Tyler was back to his old self and I almost got choked up just seeing him healthy and energetic again. He got up in the morning before me and I found him watching cartoons on the sofa and messing with blocks on the coffee table. I tackled him and blew a raspberry to his tummy and the sound of his happy giggle made me feel like nothing could ever go wrong again, as long as my kid was always laughing like that.
“Ty, do you remember Justin?” I said, pulling him into my lap.
“Yes! The dragon man!”
I laughed and kissed his cheek. “Yeah, that’s right. He’s a dragon like us. He wants to take us to a Farmer’s Market. There’ll be caramel corn and honey sticks? There might be some kid’s stuff too. I think it’ll be fun.”
“Okay, mommy,” Tyler said easily.
“Okay, sweetie.” I hugged him tight and reached for my phone. I’d already told Justin we’d be going, but if Tyler hadn’t been in the mood for it I would have said no.
Great. I’ll be over at 11.
I texted him back a thumbs up, but I felt a little weird about it. His texts were so terse lately. Could it be my fault? I honestly wasn’t sure. It was true that I’d been the one to walk out after our night together and it’s not as if I’d told him how I felt. But he had all the power here. Of course, I was going to be shy about revealing my feelings. If he had feelings for me, I figured he had to be the one to make the first move.
I set Tyler down and got to my feet and a rush of sadness poured through me at the thought that I might be really seriously in love with Justin and that it might be completely unrequited. Everybody loved to talk about mates. Supposedly, once you found your mate, you knew. You felt like your mate was a part of you. I felt like that about Justin. It was undeniable. But sometimes people were wrong. Nobody liked to talk about that.
I spent the morning, playing with Tyler. We ate a light breakfast but I knew that the farmer’s market in SoHo always had amazing food. I figured we’d do most of our eating there. I put on a white floral sundress and dressed Tyler up in something easy but cute. By eleven in the morning, we were playing with his giant Legos and I couldn’t stop laughing because Tyler was getting such a kick out of building a Z-shaped tower that took him forever to get just right, only for him to do it over again.
I caught Justin’s scent this time before I heard the doorbell ring. It was as familiar to me now as my own or Tyler’s. My heart was jumping around in my chest but I tried to ignore it. I caught my reflection in a mirror by the door. I looked pretty, I thought. I pushed a lock of hair that kept falling over my eye back into place and it fell stubbornly over my eye again. Tyler ran up to me and tugged on my chest, generally excited for guests.
I opened the door and I thought I was ready. I had been buzzing with anticipation all morning but I’d also been trying to brace myself. Yet now as I saw Justin, any thought about remaining casual and friendly in some business-like way went right out the window.
Justin had a new haircut. I happened to have liked his hair shaggy and almost touching his shoulder yet now seeing it cut in such a flattering fashion that showed off his jawline and made his sparkling brown eyes pop. Yet, I also felt that swoop of sadness again as he leaned on the door. He was smiling, but disinterestedly. It wasn’t that warm, delighted smile I’d become used to.
Lower your expectations, I told myself.
“Hi, Justin.” I tried to sound normal. But I heard my voice shaking. A part of me suddenly wanted to cancel this entire event. I was going to be a mess. I was so much farther gone on Justin than I even wanted to admit to myself. Acting like everything was normal was never going to work.
“Hey,” Justin said, nodding at me. “You guys ready?”
“SoHo!” That was Tyler, grinning and tugging on Justin’s pant leg.
“Tyler, sweetie…” I wanted to cry suddenly. But instead I picked up Tyler and held him on my hip. I kissed his cheek and swallowed, feeling a new swell of strength within me.
At the end of this, I would get a million dollars. Somehow, I kept forgetting about that. I guess because there were now other things I wanted much more than all that money. But I’d been good at being practical. It was a necessity as a single mom. Think about the necessities, put one foot in front of the other… I glanced at Justin and he had a far away look in his eye and he frowned, ducking his head.
“Let’s go then,” he muttered.
We followed him down the stairs and out to the sidewalk where the now familiar town car and driver was waiting. Tyler was exuberantly energetic. He bounced down the sidewalk like a rubber ball and I watched Justin who did seem entertained by his antics.
“Are you still a dinosaur?” He said, squatting down when we reached the car. Then Justin casually pushed Tyler’s hair out of his eyes and it was such a fatherly little move that I very nearly burst into tears.
“I’m a dragon!” Tyler whispered with big eyes. “Like you! But it’s a secret!”
“I won’t tell anyone,” Justin whispered back, shaking his head. “High five though. It’s awesome to be a dragon.” He gave Tyler a little high five and I just about choked on the lump in my throat. When he stood up, his eyes seemed sad to me, but maybe I was only seeing what I wanted to see. “You look nice,” he said softly.
“Thanks.” I smiled tightly and his driver helped us into the car.
The ride was short or anyway it went quickly because I got lost in watching Justin interact with Tyler. He kept asking Tyler all kinds of questions about day-care and his favorite books and what he liked to build with Legos. The thing was, he didn’t seem to be humouring Tyler. He seemed genuinely interested. I had to clench my fists but I did manage to keep it together all the way to SoHo where we climbed out of the car before it drove off with orders to return when Justin texted.
The day was warm enough but the skies were cloudy and looking a little grey. I was just a bit chilly but I’d thought to bring Tyler a jacket at least.
“I’ll take it.” Justin took Tyler’s denim jacket and tossed me another one of those tight smiles.
We needed to talk about things. I knew that. I wasn’t looking forward to it.
“So…” I cleared my throat and took Tyler’s hand as we merged into the light crowd swarming the aisles of booths and pavilions hawking organic fruit and homemade hummus and selling hemp shoes and whatever else it was that got sold at a fa
rmer’s market in SoHo. “Who is it this appearance is for exactly?”
“Joanie tipped off some paps,” Justin said, shrugging. “Casual pictures of the cute couple out on a Saturday morning. You sure you don’t mind Tyler being here?”
I shrugged, yet I did have a bit of anxiety about it. On the other hand, I had sometimes let paranoia about my father getting to Tyler really get to me. I’d hid Tyler away from time to time because of that. That wasn’t fair to him.
“I wanted him to have a nice day,” I said helplessly.
“Hey.” Justin touched my arm, just gently holding it for a second. It was the first time I felt like he was really there with me like usual, and not sort of pretending to be somebody else. That was sort of ironic. “You know, I’ll protect him if anything happened?” He looked at me, steady and serious. I hadn’t really known that. But it made me want to tell him I loved him. “I’d do anything… I mean… I wouldn’t let anything happen to him. Okay?”
I nodded at that and Justin took my hand. “For the paps,” I muttered. He just nodded. I took Tyler’s hand, and the three of us walked along, browsing booths.
It was a lie, but it still felt nice.
“Hey, you want to see something?” Justin grinned down at Tyler and grabbed three lemons from a stand and started juggling. My mouth dropped open as he giggled and flawlessly juggled the lemons and Tyler whooped and clapped his hands.
“Are you a clown!” Tyler said.
Justin laughed and winked at him. “Sometimes, I am definitely a clown.”
I wondered what he meant by that, but then he bought Tyler a bag of cherries to eat and picked him up in his arms, holding him at his hip as he moseyed along, showing Tyler every little thing that was of any interest to either one of them. I watched them and my heart ached. I had always prided myself on being a strong single mother and I didn’t think Tyler was missing anything. But he liked Justin, that much was clear. And Justin liked Tyler and he was so good with him. It was hard not to want that for always.
But I put on a happy face and walked beside them, occasionally tousling Tyler’s hair or leaning over to kiss his soft cheek that still felt like a baby’s. There was a face painting booth and Tyler begged me to let him get his face painted like a tiger’s and as he sat there, patiently getting those baby cheeks painted orange, I let myself lean against Justin, shivering a little from the chill.
“Are you cold?” Justin asked me.
“Just a little,” I said. “I thought it would be warmer.”
Justin put his arm around me and I leaned into it, feeling perhaps stupidly hopeful. Then he said, “There’s a paparazzi over there. We should play it up.”
Just that made my heart shatter but I nodded, smiling, and leaned my head against his. “No problem,” I muttered. I smiled faintly at Tyler. He was in the little face painting pavilion gripping the edges of his folding chair as he tried so hard to sit still while they painted his face.
I felt tiny drops of rain on my lips and it actually made me hopeful. I wanted it to rain. I suddenly wanted to get out of here; go home and put Tyler down in front of the TV and crawl into bed and cry over my unrequited love, my mate…
“Kiss?” Justin said softly.
“Okay, yeah.”
Justin turned to me and I expected a curt kiss, something that would feel as business-like as he’d been acting for most of the day, except with Tyler. He didn’t look at me, but his eyes slipped shut and his mouth met mine and all at once I felt again the merging of our souls, the fires of our mutual dragons communing. But it was so overwhelming, I turned away again quickly, trying to look happy and casual for the cameras. I could see them; a few photographers standing inconspicuously off to the side and snapping pictures of us.
“Everything okay?” Justin said, still refusing to look me in the eye.
I opened and closed my mouth and finally said, “No.”
“Nicole?” He looked alarmed and then he tugged on my arm, making me turn to face him. “Nicole, what’s the matter?”
“Noth...nothing,” I said, choking on the words. Justin looked more concerned than was probably necessary but then Tyler was finished with his face painting and he ran over, painted like a tiger, and pulled on my skirts.
“I’m a tiger!” Tyler said. “I’m a tiger dragon!”
I nodded, feeling pulled in a hundred directions. I smiled for Tyler even as my heart was shattering, Justin putting his arms around me again and squeezing me tight now as if it mattered, as if I mattered to him… It was all too much.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I...I can’t, Justin, I…”
Then the rain began to pour. Justin was looking at me, his mouth gaping open, his eyes big and sad. But suddenly it was thundering, the rain coming down in torrents, and everyone scrambled to find cover. Tyler shrieked happily and hugged my legs, laughing at the storm. But Justin was just staring at me and I watched him quickly get soaked. I didn’t even noticed that I was getting drenched, and shaking from the cold.
“Mommy! The rain!” Tyler tugged on my dress and I finally snapped back to life and I queasily smiled, picking him up and wrapping his jacket more securely around him.
Justin licked his lips and took my hand, leading us to the biggest pavilion he could find that wasn’t already packed with people trying to get out of the rain.
“I’ll text Charlie,” he was saying. “He will be here in no time.”
But the wind was picking up. It was as if a massive storm had abruptly decided to take down SoHo. The rain fell so hard and so fast that it blew over the pavilion we were standing in and everyone shrieked as a leg of it gave way, the tarpaulin caving in and collected water pouring over the side in a sheet.
“Shoot,” Justin muttered. Everyone rushed out of the pavilion again, and Justin and I ran for it, with no thought of where to go to get out of the rain. “I texted him! He’ll get to us! Don’t worry!”
We finally managed to find a Starbucks after a few blocks of aimless rushing through the downpour. We huddled inside, already soaked to the skin. I wanted to get Tyler a hot chocolate but the line was so long that the town car was already pulling over outside. Justin let Tyler and I out and we climbed inside where Charlie, the driver, cranked up the heat as I rubbed my arms. Tyler was bouncing around in his seat, giggling his head off at the sheer novelty of being soaking wet and out in the city in the middle of a Saturday. It must have seemed like such an adventure to him.
“I’ll drop you off,” Justin muttered, and he was rubbing my arms as we pulled out into traffic. “Are you alright?”
My eyes were brimming with tears but with the rain, he probably couldn’t tell, so I just nodded mutely. We were quiet on the way back to my place and somehow, hyper little Tyler, with his face paint now melting off his cheeks, abruptly hit a wall of exhaustion and fell asleep in my arms before we even got back to the Lower East Side.
“Come up,” I said firmly, when Charlie finally pulled over. “Come up and hang out for a while.”
I don’t know if I was past caring what Justin knew about what I felt but I just didn’t want him to again. I wanted him to stay with me, with us. I wanted him to stay forever. I at least wanted to pretend for a little longer. Always a little longer.
“Okay.” Justin nodded and pushed a wet lock of hair behind my ear. “Sure I will.”
Chapter Twelve: Justin
The thing was, I’d honestly thought I had a shot that night. But that was before Nicole left. I was certain of it for a moment there. It was the way we’d seemed to become one person, one dragon, when we made love and fell asleep in each other’s arms. I’d dreamed of her by my side that night. I’d fallen asleep smiling. Sure, I could tell myself it was “just one night” all I wanted. But in my heart of hearts, she was my mate. I didn’t know how to think otherwise. So when I woke up and she was gone and she didn’t text that she’d had to go or that she’d been worried about Tyler and wanted to get home, my heart had cracked in
two.
I had been trying my hardest all day to pretend. I was pretending I was wrecked and pretending this was all the strange but cold professional business relationship it was supposed to be. Somehow it seemed even more difficult with Tyler there. I kept seeing her warm and endless love for her son and as affecting as that was, it was also my own affection for Tyler clouding things. I had fallen in love with Nicole, that much was plain. But I loved Tyler too. I wanted to be his father. I wanted to see him shift for the first time and be there to show him how to fly and perch and breathe fire. I wanted to be there for all of that.
Now I had Tyler on my hip as I carried him up the few flights of stairs to Nicole’s apartment. He was still asleep and it didn’t surprise me. The little guy had been a ball of energy all day and we’d walked seemingly miles around the farmer’s market before it had started to rain. We’d done our duty though. Actually, most of the pap pics had been taken in the first couple of hours. We hadn’t needed to stay so long. I’d just been having too good a time with Nicole and Tyler, even as I sat on all my feelings. I was selfish that way, I guess.
“In here…” I followed Nicole to Tyler’s room and laid him down on his bed. I stood back, feeling a little out of place but wanting not to be, and watched Nicole carefully take off his jacket and his shoes and set them aside. His jeans were soaking and she took them off with his socks and pulled his covers over him, tucking him in warm and tight before kissing his cheek. I went out with her and she shut the door before glancing up at me, hesitant.
I was going to say that I should go because I wasn’t sure how much more of this I could take and yet I wanted to stay forever. “Come get warm,” Nicole said, before I could decide. “I’m just going to change clothes.”
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