Ronald Rabbit Is a Dirty Old Man

by Lawrence Block

  Ronald Rabbit is a Dirty Old Man

  Lawrence Block

  All characters in this book are fictional, and any resemblance to persons living or

  dead is purely coincidental.

  The earth is flat.

  Contents

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  A New, Epistolary Afterword by the Author

  A Biography of Lawrence Block

  1

  74 Bleecker St.

  New York 10012

  June 12

  Mrs. Lisa Clarke

  219 Maple Rd.

  Richmond, VA.

  Dear Lisa:

  I trust you’ve already established that there’s no check in this envelope. No matter how long this letter turns out to be, no matter how many sheets of paper wind up folded together and stuffed into this envelope, the first thing you’ll do is shake everything out looking for a check, and there won’t be one. So you’ve done that by now, and you said, “The dirty rat bastard said he’d send a check and there’s no check here and this better be good.”

  I’ll make it as good as I can, Lisa.

  But where to start? Why, at the beginning of this beautiful day, dear Lisa, when Laurence Clarke sprang out of bed with a smile on his lips and a glint in his eye and—

  Oh, hell.

  Rome must have fallen on just this sort of day. A bright sun shining, a ghost of a breeze toying with the garbage in the gutters and plucking the hems of the mini-skirts, even the air pollution in the acceptable range. I actually hummed on the way to the office. Hummed! And some of the people I passed in the streets were smiling. Genuine New Yorkers with discernible smiles on their faces. I know it sounds impossible, but they couldn’t all have been tourists. Some of them must have been natives, and here they were smiling at one another.

  Extraordinary.

  I picked up a Times in the lobby, let the elevator levitate me to the twelfth floor, helloed and nodded and—yes—smiled my way through the outer office, and was at my own desk with my own door snugly closed by five after nine. I spent half an hour reading the paper. There was nothing particularly ominous in it, for a change. I finished it and chucked it into the wastebasket, opened a desk drawer and got out my current book, a first novel by a young person who had distinguished himself in several student riots before entering the world of letters. The publisher and a variety of critics were spread all over the dust jacket, applauding the author for telling it like it is.

  Yecchhh. The book was a 300-page refutation of the Winston commercial—it proved you could sacrifice good grammar without even approaching good taste. The person (the author’s name was sexless, and the dust-jacket photograph sexually ambivalent) threw words about like paving stones, and all he told me was that verbal communication may well be obsolete after all.

  (But not for us, Lisa the formerly-mine. By God, woman, I’m enjoying this! Do you know I haven’t written this much in a couple of years? All these words winding up on all these pages, and all with no discernible effort on my part. I just sit here at this typewriter and let it all hang out, as the children say. Are you my Muse, Lisa? And are you amused, Lisa? I know you’d rather have the check—)

  Ah, well. I went on slogging my way through muddy prose until ten-thirty, slipped downstairs for coffee and prune Danish, came upstairs again and read some more until lunchtime.

  I lunched with a friend who has an expense account. Do you remember Bill Adams? He’s over at Ogilvy now, doing something that sounds boring enough. Got married about two years ago, I think it was, and just last month bought a home on the Island. We went to an Italian place on Second Avenue and ate cannelloni and killed a liter of red while I listened to him talk about how great it was to be out of the city and how his job seemed secure although half the advertising business was on the beach and how much he loved his wife and what a good marriage they had going. He talked and I listened and he paid and I burped and we left, and it was still the same beautiful day outside.

  Then he said, “Listen, you don’t have to go back to that office, do you? I mean, not right now. Because there are these two chicks with an apartment just around the corner, and it’s a shame to be in the neighborhood without dropping in on them. What do you say?”

  “Hookers?”

  “Well, they get twenty, so you couldn’t call them virgins. But nice girls. One of them used to be a stewardess.”

  “What did the other one used to be?”

  “A virgin, I guess. I used to be a virgin, come to think of it. You game, Larry?”

  I said I couldn’t afford it.

  “Oh, shit,” he said. “You’re making good dough.”

  “I have two wives to support,” I said. “One current and one former.”

  “I have one wife and one house. Believe me, a house is worse than a wife in that respect, past or present. I have crabgrass to kill. Come on, I hate to sin alone.”

  “You’re happily married,” I said.

  “What the hell does that have to do with it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Don’t tell me you don’t fuck around.”

  “So?”

  “Christ, I’ll loan you the twenty.”

  I thought about it. “I just don’t really feel like it,” I said. “Look, it’s not as though you can’t go alone. What’s the problem?”

  “I’ll tell you, I get very awkward going there alone. Because there’s the two of them.”

  “So?”

  “So I hate to choose between them. It’s like rejecting one of them. It’s like picking one and telling the other ’You’re a nice kid but I’d rather fuck your roommate.’ So she’s rejected, and she sits in the other room watching the fucking television set, and the whole thing puts me off stride.”

  “You’re putting me on.”

  “I just don’t like to reject people.”

  He was serious. I looked at him thoughtfully. “Go to bed with both of them,” I said.

  “Huh?”

  “No rejection. Take them both to bed, lie there in the middle and ball them both. So it costs you forty instead of twenty and you kill a little less crabgrass next week.”

  “Jesus,” he said. “You ever do that?”

  “Kill crab grass?”

  “Two girls at once.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Not hookers, and not recently, but yeah.”

  “Is it great?”

  “The only problem is that it can sometimes get hard to keep your mind on both of them at the same time. For me, anyway. I’m generally better on one-to-one relationships. But with paid talent I don’t think it would matter that much.”

  His jaw set and he gripped my arm. “You’re a brother,” he said. “I’m gonna do it.”

  “Hang loose.”

  “I will. You’re a prince, Larry, I mean it. We’ll have lunch again soon. Call me.”

  “I will.”r />
  “My love to Fran.”

  “And my love to Paula.”

  He looked at me. “Their names are Bunny and Aileen,” he said. “Aileen was the stewardess.”

  “And Bunny was the virgin, I know. Paula’s your wife, schmuck.”

  “She’s a wonderful girl,” he said automatically. “She really is, Larry. She’s good for me.”

  I went back to the office and tried reading some more, but I kept imagining myself lying between a former stewardess and a former virgin, one of them asking me to be gentle and the other offering me coffee, tea or milk. As I pictured them, the stew looked a lot like Fran and the virgin looked a lot like Jennifer. (I never told you about Jennifer, did I?) I’m sorry to say that neither of them looked like you, Lisa. You do worm your way into my fantasies from time to time, but you weren’t in this one. Sorry about that.

  Then my phone rang.

  This wasn’t alarming. I have this phone on my desk, and now and then it rings. Sometimes it’s Fran asking me to pick up something on my way home. Sometimes it’s Jennie wondering if I can duck out on Fran for a couple of hours that evening. Sometimes, God help us, it’s you, wanting to know why the alimony check hasn’t turned up yet.

  So it was a beautiful day, and my phone was ringing, and I picked up the phone, and in my little world the sun hid behind panther-colored clouds, the carbon-monoxide and sulfurdioxide levels soared, the stock market sank without a trace, and the sword of Damocles began its swift descent.

  “Laurence Clarke? This is Mr. Finch’s secretary. Mr. Finch would like to see you in his office.”

  “In his office,” I said. I have a tendency in moments of stress to repeat the last three words of other people’s sentences. When Fran and I were married, I said “Help you God” instead of “I do.” Which gave a few people a few bad moments until I corrected myself.

  “Yes,” said Mr. Finch’s secretary.

  “Now?”

  “Now, Mr. Clarke.” Yecchhh.

  Mr. Clayton Finch’s office is on the fourteenth floor, which is one floor above the twelfth. Clay Finch is not, as one might understandably guess, a target for particularly adept skeet shooters. He is in fact the president of Whitestone Publications, the fount from whence flows a torrent of paperback books and magazines of no particular distinction. In this capacity he has been, for just less than ten months, the employer of yours truly, Laurence Clarke.

  He looked more like a cast-iron owl than a clay finch, anyway. He gazed at me over his desk, all eyes and a couple of yards wide. His was a much larger desk than mine, and his office, unlike mine, had windows. Several of them. Let it be known, though, that I in no way begrudged him these trappings of status. I was perfectly content with my little desk and my airless cubbyhole and my subsistence-level salary.

  “Laurence Clarke,” he said.

  “Mr. Finch,” I said.

  “Laurence with a U,” he said. “Clarke with an E.”

  “With an E,” I echoed.

  He closed his eyes. He opened them, and he shook his head sorrowfully from side to side, and then he closed his eyes again. “I suppose you ought to sit down,” he said.

  I sat down.

  “You’ve been with us since September,” he said. “You were hired as the editor-in-chief of Ronald Rabbit’s Magazine for Boys and Girls. We pay you”—he consulted a scrap of paper— “a salary of $16,350 annually.”

  I nodded.

  He picked up a pipe, turned it around and around in his manicured hands. He said, “Ronald Rabbit’s Magazine for Boys and Girls suspended publication with its January issue. I suspect the publicity had something to do with it. Your predecessor Haskell; even though we fired him, the story couldn’t be hushed up. An eleven-year-old boy, for heaven’s sake. And then offering the defense that the boy told him he was fourteen. A bad hat, Haskell. And the scandal inevitably rubbed off on Ronald Rabbit.”

  “It hardly seemed fair,” I put in.

  He sighed. “You prepared the December and January issues,” he said. “After which time the magazine ceased publication. Since then you seem to have continued to come to your office every day, Monday through Friday, except for a week’s vacation in April and four days in February when you were ill.”

  “Asian flu.”

  “You’ve continued to draw your full salary. You’re listed in the books as the editor of this Ronald Rabbit thing.” His eye focused thoughtfully upon me. “Mr. Clarke,” he said, “just what on earth do you do?”

  I swallowed, but that didn’t seem to answer his question. I said, “Uh, I get a lot of reading done.”

  “I imagine you do.”

  “And I, uh, keep myself available.”

  “Whatever for?”

  “For anything that might come up.”

  “No doubt.” He closed his eyes for a longer period of time. He opened them and sighed, perhaps because I was still there. “It must be very boring for you,” he said. “Doing absolutely nothing, day after day, week after week, month after month.”

  “Month after month,” I said.

  “Eh?”

  “I haven’t minded it, Mr. Finch.”

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes. Of course at first I hoped someone would find something for me to do, but after a while I began to get used to it. To having nothing to do, that is.”

  “You never went looking for another job.”

  “No, I’ve been happy here.”

  “And you never tried to find anything else you could do here?”

  “I didn’t want to call attention to myself.”

  He winced. “Eight months of well-paid inactivity,” he said. “Two months of work and eight months of total sloth. I’ve never heard of anything like it. Do you realize what you’ve done, Clarke? You’ve stowed away on a corporation.”

  “I never thought of it that way.”

  “It’s quite incredible. When this came to my attention I was fully prepared to be furious with you. For some curious reason I find myself unable to work up any genuine rage. Astonishment, yes. Even a sort of grudging admiration. I have to admit that I found myself looking around for something else you could do for us. But of course there’s nothing open. Everybody in the industry is busy reducing staff these days; combining jobs, eliminating deadwood. You’re the deadest possible sort of wood, Clarke. No offense intended, but you’re the rottenest limb on the Whitestone tree.”

  I didn’t say anything. Neither did he, so I finally broke the silence. “Then I’m fired,” I said.

  “Fired? Of course you’re fired.”

  I nodded. “I knew it would have to happen sooner or later. It was too good to last.”

  “Fired? What else could you be but fired? Promoted, perhaps? Rewarded with a raise?”

  “I’ll miss working here,” I said. To myself more than to Finch.

  He stood up. “Oh, we’ll miss having you, Clarke. I don’t know how we’ll get on without you.” He started to chuckle, then broke it off sharply and resumed the head-shaking routine. “Well,” he said, “I’ve had a check drawn. Your salary through today plus two weeks’ severance pay and six days’ sick leave.” He picked up a check and frowned at it. “Of course you weren’t here five years or you would have been participating in the profit-sharing plan. Suppose you’d stowed away for five years? Or forever? The mind boggles. Well, I don’t suppose it will take you long to find something suitable. We’ll give you a good reference, needless to say. We’ve had no complaints about your performance of assigned tasks, have we?”

  I laughed politely.

  “And in the meantime you can begin collecting unemployment benefits. A comedown from your present salary, but your duties will be essentially the same.”

  “Essentially the same.” I took a breath. “Could you tell me how you happened to, uh, find out about me?”

  “Your expense account,” he said.

  “My expense account?”

  “Part of the current austerity program. I had someo
ne going over expense account records for the past half year to see who might have been taking a bit of advantage. And your records immediately attracted attention.”

  “I never used my expense account, Mr. Finch.”

  “Precisely. An editor who doesn’t charge a minimum of three lunches a week to the company stands out like a sore thumb. Surprising you weren’t detected earlier. Why, you should have been gouging us for an extra twenty-five or thirty dollars a week at the least.”

  “It didn’t seem honest,” I said, thoughtfully.

  “Honest,” he said. “Well,” he said. “I won’t keep you, Clarke. You’ll want to clean out your desk. If there’s anything in it. And you’ll want to say goodbye to some of your coworkers, if you’ve happened to meet any of them in the course of your stay here. It’s been a pleasure, Clarke. An educational experience.”

  We shook hands. I said, “If you should ever decide to reactivate Ronald Rabbit—”

  “Oh, we’ll keep you in mind, Clarke. We’ll certainly keep you in mind. Count on it.”

  I got back to my own desk and sat at it and thought how I was going to miss it. I had a check in my pocket for almost a thousand dollars. There was another hundred in my wallet and something like fifteen hundred in our joint checking account. In a drawer at the apartment, there were bills running to perhaps a thousand dollars. Fran earned $130 a week before deductions, considerably less after them. Presumably we wouldn’t starve, with her salary added to my unemployment. Not right away, at least.

  But what was I going to do?

  It was a very weird moment or three, Lisa love. A very weird couple of moments indeed. Larry Clarke, Laurence with a U and Clarke with an E—and wouldn’t it be nice, by the by, to have a name one didn’t have to spell for people. Laurence Clarke himself, a poet whose Muse went into retirement a year and a half ago. Born thirty-two years and ten days ago, a Gemini with Scorpio rising and Moon in Leo. Unemployed, and presumably unemployable. A lad with talents unexciting enough in a booming labor market, and here we were in a labor market that could hardly have been less booming. If the economy got a little worse I could respectably sell apples on street corners, but what would I do in the interim?