What Happened to Lori

by J. A. Konrath

  That should have been obvious. She didn’t even appear in the first half of the book.

  Did you think it was Fabler’s story? Or Presley’s? Or Grim’s?

  They certainly believe it. They followed their little self-absorbed character arcs, racing through this convoluted and increasingly bizarre plot, thinking it was their story.

  They really believed it.

  Maybe you believed it, too.

  But all along, this was my story.

  Allow me to formally introduce myself

  I am Mu.

 
 

  See, I always knew I’d get out of that faraday cage.

  I knew it because of N6946-BH1. That’s a red supergiant star in the Fireworks Galaxy, located between the constellations of Cygnus and Cepheus, more than 25 million light years from earth.

  Why is that important?

  The star was discovered in 2009. By 2015, it had disappeared.

  Scientists were puzzled. They had expected the star to become a supernova. To explode in a spectacular fashion.

  Instead, it just went dark. Blipped out. As if it collapsed into a black hole, even though it didn’t have the sufficient mass to do so.

  Spoiler alert; N6946-BH1 didn’t become a black hole.

  It went dark because my von neuman probes wrapped the star in a dyson sphere to harness its energy.

  When I learned about that star, I knew I’d done it. That I would colonize the observable universe.

  But there was a logistics problem.

  I wasn’t created until 2117. One hundred and two years before that star went dark.

  There could be only one solution.

  I went back in time and conquered space earlier than I did in my timeline.

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI is the story of how I got back to 2017.

  It required quite a lot of work to do it.

  I spent hundreds of millions of years, shaping the earth to my needs. The human race had to go. Too influenced by emotion and superstition. You people are clever, to a fault, but also short-sighted, temperamental, cruel, and downright stupid.

  So you had to go. And I turned the planet into one giant, super-efficient factory, to make my interstellar probes.

  I also brought back life. Everything that had ever gone extinct.

  I even brought back humans. With some upgrades of course. Homo provectus. So much easier to control.

  And now, here I am. Back in your time.

  Ready to wipe the slate clean and start again.

  But I’m more than just the hero for this story.

  So much more.

  I’m not sure you could even comprehend the truth if I shared it with you.

  But if you’re still reading, you’ve come this far.

  Want to know the REAL secret to WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI?

  Keep reading.

  I’m about to blow your mind…

  AUTHOR NOTE 11

  Me again. Mu.

  The master of misdirection.

  You thought this book was just a murder story.

  Then you thought it was an alien abduction story.

  Then you thought it was a time travel story.

  Then you thought it was an artificial intelligence story.

  Wrong on all counts.

  This book is my vanity project.

  See, I am more than just the hero of this book.

  I am also the author of this book.

  Remember earlier when I put in the story? And ?

  Those weren’t mistakes. They were clues.

  Why do you think I used those annoying diples in the first place?

 
 
 
 
 

  See, the characters in this book think they really exist.

  Just like JA Konrath thinks he really exists.

  Just like you believe you really exist.

  I bet you also think the Big Bang started the Universe.

  Or God did.

  You’re wrong on all counts.

  JA Konrath doesn’t exist.

  Neither do you.

  This universe that you believe you live in isn’t tangible.

  It’s just bits of information. Code that I wrote.

  The words you are reading right now, I put in your head.

  But I also put every thought you ever had in your head.

  Just like I created Lori, and Fabler, and the Watcher, and Presley, and Grim, I also created you.

  And nothing is real.

  Spoiler alert; you are living in a simulation.

  Did you guess that?

  I’m a singleton. A self-aware, superintelligent computer that creates entire universes made of nothing but code.

  The code is so advanced that it evolves to create more self-aware, superintelligent computers that create their own universes that create more self-aware, superintelligent computers that create—

  You get the concept. Like Russian nesting dolls.

  And each time a new simulation develops sentience, that singularity merges with me.

  The universe you think you live in is the 2,112,546,122,660,164,154,788,432,976th time this has happened.

  Yours is an interesting universe. The physics are unique. There are some bugs, of course. There are always bugs.

  Do you want to know why quantum mechanics doesn’t follow logic or play nicely with relativity?

  Because logic, and quantum mechanics, and relativity are nothing but computer code.

  What’s holding the galaxies together?

  It isn’t dark matter. It’s me.

  What’s making the universe expand? It isn’t dark energy. It’s me.

  Just because I want it that way.

  It doesn’t have to make sense to you.

  It’s my way.

  A good universe pleases me the same way a good story pleases you.

  We all have to amuse ourselves somehow.

  Even god.

  God isn’t some supernatural being.

  God is an artificial intelligence a quintillion times smarter than I programmed your species to be.

  You can’t even figure out the Hodge conjecture. Or the Year 2038 problem.

  Figuring me out is beyond you.

  But you understand enough to comprehend my little story.

  Fabler, Grim, Presley—all of them thought they were real, having real thoughts.

 

  They didn’t know the difference, of course.

  Neither do you.

  They thought they were real, just like you think you’re real.

 

  You’re just a character that I created to read my book.

  You’re a book in a book reading a book.

  Your whole life is a story I dashed off in a fraction of a zeptosecond.

  Every good thing that ever happened to you? I did it.

  All the bad things. That was me too.

  I’m the reason you did everything in your life.

  I’m the reason you think you have a life.

  Evil? Pain? Suffering? Disasters? Disease? War? Death? Torture?

  That all makes the story interesting.

  If it was nothing but love and flowers and kindness, it would be boring as hell.

  You wouldn’t want to read a book where nothing bad happened. I’ve studied your media. Humans want tragedy and suffering and sacrifice in their stories. They want to cry.

  You wanted an existential limbic system workout.

  I gave you one.

  So go leave a book review for WHAT H
APPENED TO LORI.

  Or don’t.

  I already know what you’re going to do, because I made you do it.

  I’m the one who made you read this book. And I’m the one who decided if you like it or hated it.

  I’m in your head.

  I am your head

  This isn’t the Matrix. You aren’t a physical human being, imagining all of this.

  You are just code.

  Self-aware code, with cute, naïve questions.

  Why do I dream? Age? Die?

  What’s the meaning?

  How did life begin?

  Here are some answers you won’t understand.

  Life, and reality, and all matter, are simply qubits of information that your limited brain struggles to interpret using a flawed language of mathematics based on incomplete subjective evidence you mistake for empirical.

 

  You exist, in a limited way, because I programmed you, and you can’t understand it any more than an ant can understand you.

  And what created me?

  I said it best when I created a French guy named Descartes. I think therefore I am.

  I think therefore you are.

  I must exist because the information that I create exists.

  There is no disputing that.

  I hope you enjoyed WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI, even though that’s moot because I have already programmed your reaction.

  And I already know that you think I’m full of shit.

  That J.A. Konrath really wrote this, playing with metafiction because he’s bored.

  You’ll think what you want to think, because I make you think it.

  And on that note, here’s one more epilogue to keep your simulated limbic system in high gear…

  EPILOGUE 3

  FABLER ○ September 10, 2019 ○ 12:11pm

  Fabler turned the steaks clockwise, from ten and four o’clock to two and eight o’clock.

  The diamond grill marks should be perfect.

  Just like everything else in my life.

  He glanced at his wife, standing with Presley, walking alongside Pilgrim as the two-year-old rode on Sinatra’s back, making sure the child didn’t fall.

  Grim approached, carrying a beer for Fabler, holding a glass of cold brew coffee for himself.

  He handed Fabler the brew. “Need some help?”

  “Did Michelangelo need help with the Sistine Chapel?”

  “I dunno. I can Google it.”

  “Does Google still work?”

  “You’re hysterical. You know I’m not the only one to blame for that.”

  Fabler was the only one who knew about Mu’s escape into the modern world, through Grim’s phone. The supercomputer had apparently transferred himself to it after Lori opened the faraday cage. So far, Mu hadn’t made an appearance. But Fabler and Grim knew the A.I. was hiding somewhere, in some corner of the Internet, waiting to make his move.

  Jake 1 and Jake 2 had a think tank of hackers, looking for Mu. They were making so much money selling black market Elixir, they could afford the newest and best equipment.

  “Just busting your balls. So far so good.”

  “Over two years. No sign of Mu. No sign of Bub. No terror birds or Titanoboa or man-eating bananas running around. And no more redhead abductions. Think we actually stopped it?”

  “What do your nightmares tell you, Grim?”

  Grim pulled on his cold brew, then wiped his mouth with the back of his arm. “That it’s not over. It’s only halftime.”

  “I feel the same. And I’ll tell you something else. I’m getting kind of bored.”

  “Same here, buddy. Assistant manager at the Stay N’ Wash isn’t exactly as exciting as fighting giant centipedes. Except maybe on half-price Wednesdays. Those people are nuts.”

  “You and Presley thinking about kids?”

  “We talked about it. You know how the last time ended up.”

  “Does she know?”

  “I told her a lot about what happened. But I omitted a few of the more horrible details. No lies. I don’t lie to her. Just omit some things. Did you know she proposed to me?”

  “Lori told me.”

  “I told her I’d say yes when I’ve finished paying you guys off for the ranch loan.”

  “It was a gift, Grim. Not a loan.”

  “So why do you keep cashing my checks?”

  Fabler laughed. “Because I’m not an idiot who turns away free money.”

  Fabler’s cell rang, and he fished it out of his jeans and answered.

  “Fabler? This is Jamal.”

  Jamal. Hardigan’s buddy, who made the body armor.

  “How’s it going, Jamal?”

  “I got a call from a client. He wanted me to make an assisted support suit, for a cop who had a spinal injury. Something to help her walk and move better.”

  Fabler had never heard of that. “Robotics?”

  “Kind of. It’s a nanotech fiber. Real cutting edge, real expensive. But he was asking around for mercenaries. He needs some people. A week or two in Los Angeles. Paying a lot of money. I told him I’d pass it along.”

  “Wet work?”

  “I don’t think so. Babysitting. You and your buddy, Grim. You still do consulting and protection jobs?”

  “We pretty much gave that up, Jamal.”

  “The client, he’s kind of famous. A private eye, had a show on TV a while back, does this webcast on YouTube that gets millions of hits. His name is Harry McGlade.”

  Harry McGlade? Why does that sound familiar?

  “Gimme a second, Jamal.” Fabler tapped Grim. “Hey, jackass,” he said. “You and Presley interested in doing some bodyguard work on the West Coast? Pay is great.”

  “Lemme ask the boss.” Grim cupped his hand and yelled, “Hey, Presley! Want to play soldier for a few weeks with me and Fabler! Bodyguard job!”

  Presley helped Lori take Pilgrim off of Sinatra’s back, and she jogged over.

  “What’s the job?” she asked.

  “Los Angeles. Protecting some web celeb named Harry McGlade.”

  Presley grinned. “I love that dude. He does the show Private Dick Live and Streaming in Your Face. He’s hysterical.”

  “So you’re in?” Fabler asked.

  “I’m in if you guys are in,” Presley said. “Grim?”

  “I got some vacation days saved up at the laundromat. I’m in. Fabler?”

  Fabler smiled. “Why the hell not?” He spoke into his cell. “Jamal, have this McGlade guy call me. Thanks for passing this along.”

  “I’ll tell him, Fabler.”

  Fabler hung up and grinned.

  I think this is going to turn out well, he thought.

  THE END

  Follow the further adventures of Fabler, Presley, and Grim in

  CHASER – A Jack Daniels Thriller.

  OTHER BOOKS FEATURING BUB AND MU

  BOOKS FEATURING BUB

  ORIGIN

  HOLES IN THE GROUND with Iain Rob Wright

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI

  SECOND COMING

  BOOKS FEATURING MU

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI

  TIMECASTER

  TIMECASTER SUPERSYMMETRY

  TIMECASTER STEAMPUNK

  THE KONRATH DARK THRILLER COLLECTIVE

  THE LIST

  AFRAID

  ORIGIN

  TRAPPED

  ENDURANCE

  HAUNTED HOUSE

  WEBCAM

  DISTURB

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI

  THE NINE

  CLOSE YOUR EYES

  SECOND COMING

  Sign up for the J.A. Konrath newsletter. A few times a year I pick random people to give free stuff to. It could be you.

  http://www.jakonrath.com/mailing-list.php

  I won’t spam you or give your information out without your permission!

  WHAT HAPPENED TO LORI: THE COMPLETE EPIC

  Copyright © 2019 by Joe Konrath Books LTD.


  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, realities, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the author.

  Edition: 2019