by Casey Ford
“Okay, then, let’s go.”
The drive is a silent one. Both of us seem to have something to say, but neither is that willing to say it. We turn the corner and end up on the same road as the accident. I shake memories of that night out of my head as we drive to a little food place not far from the intersection.
John’s Burgers is a little fast food place that makes the biggest, greasiest burgers in the city with fries to match. I can’t get enough of their chiliburgers and chili-cheese fries. Kate orders her usual plain cheeseburger and fries. Fries are the only side worth mentioning.
This used to be my and Kate’s favorite place to eat in high school, since they have a small patio area in the front where you can eat your food.
“I can’t believe you went to Fresno State,” I tell her as we sit at the outside table.
“There are reasons behind it,” she says to me as she puts ketchup on her fries, but offers no other explanation.
“Nope, that is not going to fly with me. I want details.” She looks at me like she’s scared to say something wrong. I guess I should be a little softer, there’s something bothering her and I really want to find out what it is. Forcing her is not going to work.
“I always thought you were destined for a higher ranked school, even Ivy League,” I add. “There has to be a reason for the down-grade.”
Kate sighs and fiddles with her fingers, an internal debate playing across her face. I guess it’s not that important, but I really don’t want to waste this opportunity to get to know the woman in front of me. I already know the girl she used to be.
“Look, Kate, if you don —”
“I was chasing my boyfriend,” she sputters out quickly, as if she would lose her nerve if she didn’t. I let out a sound that could have sounded a lot like a “huh?” in my confused state. I was surprised and maybe a little disappointed.
I guess I kind of hoped she would be single.
“Well, he wasn’t my boyfriend at the time,” she continues, “he was a just a summer thing, a fling really. The summer after I graduated, I met him at a party. He was only a couple of years older and we seemed to click like I never did with you.” She looks at me for my reaction and I have no idea what she can see, I have way too many thoughts flying through my head right now.
“Is this why you’ve been hesitant since I first saw you?” I ask her and she nods.
“Seeing you again brought back old feelings I thought I had forgotten,” she explains.
“I felt bad because I was feeling these emotions, but I love Hayden. I guess I was feeling guilty.” I just nod my head because I was thinking the same thing.
“Plus, I have no idea what you’re thinking or feeling. I mean we haven’t even spoken to each other in three years. The way we left things at my graduation didn’t leave much room for us to keep in touch.” I have always regretted that day. The things we said were things that no one should ever say.
“I was in a really low place and Hayden helped me through it. I enrolled in Fresno State after learning that he was going there,” she finishes. Her story surprises me, but not as much as I think it should. She’s always been the type of girl who runs full speed after what she wants.
“That must have been one hell of a party,” I joke and Kate chuckles a nervous laugh. I gather my thoughts and tell them to her.
“Kate, I felt the same way after seeing you,” I inform her. She looks up at me, surprised.
“Seeing you again did the same thing. I always regretted how we left things that day. I wish I would have known where you were, I would have tried to get ahold of you to apologize,” I explain to her, “I know Sam has mentioned apologizing to you a number of times.” I pause as a thought comes to me.
“I guess I can finally do that now.” I look Kate in the eye and wet my lips since they have gone dry with nervousness.
“I’m sorry about everything that happened to you and what happened between us, Kate. It was not right and you deserved a lot better than that.” Kate remains silent for a few minutes, staring at her hands on the table. The only sound is the cars flying by and I can’t help feeling unnerved by the silence. Eventually, she looks up at me and smiles a small appreciative smile.
“You’re right,” she begins, “I didn’t deserve what you did to me.” She sighs in a defeated tone.
“But you and Sam didn’t deserve the words I spoke that night. They were wrong and purposefully hurtful. I’m sorry for those.” There is another moment of silence between us — seems to be the theme of the today — and more awkward table studying.
“Friends?” I finally ask. The smile she flashes me is beyond dazzling, her teeth seem to reflect the sunlight right into my eyes. I laugh at her and dig into my untouched food. She happily does the same and we eat in relative silence for a time.
“So I was thinking of going and visiting Sam today, you want to come?” I ask her as we throw our trash away. Kate looks a little taken aback at first, but then thinks about it.
“Sure, it’ll be nice to see her again. All things considered.”
It only takes us a few minutes to get back to the hospital and up to Sam’s room. Mary steps out of Sam’s room and nearly runs into me, she’s in near hysterics. I quickly steady her.
“What’s going on, Mary? Is it Sam?” I ask her loudly, glancing over her shoulder at the door as I can see inside. I can feel the fear start to well up and take hold of my heart and lungs. Breathing starts to get hard and I can only take short shallow breathes.
“No,” Mary tells me through her silent sobs, “I don’t think she’s awake or anything, but she gripped my hand just now. The doctor told us it could happen, but it was so sudden it surprised me.” She wipes another tear from her eye.
“It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.” Another swipe of the eyes and she’s back to her perfect self again, breaking free of my embrace. She finally catches a glimpse of Kate standing not that far away.
“Hello, Kate, how have you been?” Mary asks in a genuinely pleasant voice. Kate smiles sweetly at her.
“I’m fine,” Kate answers, “just coming to see how Sam is doing. Good to know that she’s showing signs of waking.”
“Thank you,” Mary expresses.
“Can we go inside?” I ask expectantly.
“Of course,” Mary answers, “come on.” She leads the way into the room.
This is the third time I’ve seen Sam since the accident and the sight knocks me for a loop every time. The tubes and wires are unnerving and the accordion-like breathing apparatus makes me dread each pause as part of its rhythm. Seeing her eyes closed and sunken is enough to make tears peak my eyes. I slowly take the seat next to her bedside and take her hand into mine.
She robotically wraps her fingers around my hand and my heart soars at the gesture.
An uncontrollable ecstatic smile spreads my face.
“I’ll give you guys some time,” Mary says walking to the door, “I have some errands to run at the moment anyway.” Kate smiles and nods her head at her, expressing her gratitude.
Katelyn remains standing by the makeshift hallway as I lightly pet Sam’s hand. I spend a great deal of time focusing on Sam, willing her to wake.
“Hey, Sam, I’m back. Did you miss me?” I ask not expecting an answer. “I have big news to tell you, I got stabbed the other night. Remember when I told you that I was going to Sidetrack? Well, this drunk started something and I got stabbed. It’s the reason I haven’t been around lately. I’m better now, for the most part.” I pause for a moment and sigh when there’s no reaction, dropping my head is defeat.
I don’t notice when Kate comes up behind me. She startles me when she places her hand on my shoulder. I place a free hand on top of Katelyn’s hand and give it a friendly pat.
“You remember Kate right Sam? Now don’t get jealous, you know you’re the only one for me,” I tease with a slight smile. Kate laughs behind me. “She heard about what happened and came by to help out where eve
r she can. See I told you she was nice.” I smile a bit bigger with my joke.
“I always thought you two would be good friends if you were ever given the chance.”
I wonder to myself, as I look at Sam and Kate, what it would be like right now if the three of us hadn’t made the decisions we did on that night four years ago. I look up at Kate and see the comforting awkward smile on her face as she looks down at me. Sam’s hand seems to grip my hand tighter and I go back to stroking the back of it.
“Do you ever regret what you did that night?” I ask. We both know the night I mean. The night I lost my brother, the night that destroyed my relationship with Kate.
It was the night I learned Sam’s true feelings for me.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
4 Years Ago (Age 16): November
I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting at this bench, but I’m pretty sure it’s after midnight from the lack of people out. The tears I was crying are now all dried up and I’ve been able to calm myself down while I wait for my friends and family to find me. Actually, I’ll be really surprised if anyone is able to find me, the park I’m in is hidden from the street by trees and a wall, plus no one ever comes here since the playground equipment is old and decrepit. This is the most secluded place in the neighborhood and there is only one person who knows I’ll be here.
It’s this fact that causes me to turn around and face Sam as she walks up.
She’s alone, which confuses me. I thought that Kate would be with her. Sam might not be Kate’s favorite person, but she knows how well Sam knows me. I figured she would have followed Sam here at the very least.
I’m kind of disappointed that she didn’t.
“I knew you would be the one to find me,” I tell her as I face away from her.
“Then why do you look so disappointed?” she asks after sitting down next to me. She sounds dejected by my disappointment.
“I’m not disappointed, just surprised.”
There’s a bit of time where all she does is look at me.
“She told me to go and comfort you,” Sam informs me, then turns away to start staring into space. I stare at her for a second, then nod and start looking at the sky myself.
We sit there in silence, listening to the multitude of bugs as they chirp and sing to their potential mates. The sky is clear, so we have an unobstructed view of the stars and moon. A gentle breeze moves leaves around us and keeps the air cool and comfortable. It’s peaceful despite the reason we’re both in this park.
I’m completely cried out and now all I have is the empty pain from losing my brother. Managing to swallow the lump in my throat a long time ago, it now resides in my heart, making it feel heavy. It’s easier to breathe now, but every now and then a thought causes it to hitch and my heart drops into my stomach.
Sam looks at the sky and fidgets with her hands. I can tell that she wants to say something, but I really like the distraction she’s presenting me. Her face glows in the moonlight, turning her from human to heavenly body. She’s my angelic beauty. My heart splits in two, one side mourning my brother silently and the other wanting to embrace Sam right here on the bench. One side a freezing pain I’ve been desperately trying to suppress and the other the warmth I’ve been longing to have.
I scoot closer to her and casually link our fingers, just the fingers, on the bench.
Sam doesn’t even flinch as she continues to look at the moon, but a smile pulls at the corners of her mouth.
“James was a great guy,” she remarks after a long time of silent stargazing. “Was.” She said, “was.” Suddenly, the tears start fresh and the lump returns to my windpipe, making it hard to breath. “Was” is so final, so real. I thought I was finished, that I had gotten to a good place, but the tears tell another story. I was able to convince myself that I was fine, able to suppress the emotions for a time. Hearing Sam say the truth, I break. The weak little wall I hid myself behind crumbles like the house of straw it is.
I try to pull my fingers from Sam, but she quickly grabs my hand and pulls it to her. She connects our palms and links our fingers, squeezing hard enough to be understood, but not enough to be painful. I look at her briefly through my watery eyes and notice that her eyes are glistening in the moonlight, unshed tears filling her eyes. She needs my touch as much as I need hers. She finally looks at me after a few minutes of my staring and the dams break for us both.
We collapse into each other, sobbing loudly.
Wailing at the pain.
It seems like hours before we’re both dried up and only shallow whimpering is heard throughout the park. Our hands never unlock; in fact, they seem permanently glued together. Not that I mind. Having Sam here next to me is familiar and comforting. I can’t think of anyone other than Sam I want to be here at this moment. I don’t feel nearly as sad and alone and her touch sends warmth into my shattered and empty soul.
We sit next to each other in more silence. We’re much closer now and Sam rests her head on my shoulder as we continue our stargazing trance. Our hands remain locked together and she places her other hand on my forearm. I like the feeling of her hugging my arm like this. It’s comfortable, filling, loving — right. I tilt my head so it rests on hers and I take a deep breath – she smells really good. Bringing my other hand across my body, I interlock our fingers together. We stay in our twister-like embrace for another precious few moments. I haven’t felt this loved in a long time.
Sam sighs deeply. She sounds content.
“I missed you so much,” she finally breaks the silence.
“I missed you too.”
More silence. I enjoy just having her near me and knowing she missed me all that time apart is enough to make me almost forget the terrible news of the night. I want to feel more. I don’t want to think about death or sadness at all right now. I just want to feel Sam next to me and watch this dark sky with her. Nothing else matters.
She fills me with life when all I feel is death.
“I love you,” Sam whispers so softly I almost don’t catch it. My eyes grow wide and I break our embrace to look her in the eye.
“What?!” I manage to ask. Sam avoids my glance, not a good sign.
“Nothing,” she deflects, “it’s nothing.” Oh no she doesn’t. She will repeat that if I have anything to say about it. My heart is filling as my mind replays those three words over and over again. She said she loves me. I could definitely die happy now. I think I just might.
“Tell me, Sam,” I plead, “please.” Sam slowly lifts her gaze to meet mine. We hold our eyes for a few seconds before she turns deadly serious and cups my face in her hands.
“I love you, Alan Green.” My heart overflows and starts thumping crazily in my chest. I swear the thing is going break one of my ribs. My face breaks into an uncontrollable smile and I pull her into my arms. I can’t stop an overjoyed little laugh as it escapes my mouth. Sam giggles into my chest and the feeling of her there, like that, is more than I could have ever wished to have. I bury my face into her auburn locks and breathe her in.
“But… All this time you and Caleb,” I babble out. Sam smiles awkwardly.
“Yeah, well,” she fumbles, “I always had a little feeling for you, but that meant changing everything between us. Up until that day at the tournament, I was able to convince myself that we could remain friends. Yeah, totally not able to do that anymore after that kiss. Blew my mind.” I shouldn’t be happy that I blew her mind, but I am.
“Really?” I ask with a smug grin. “Mind blown?” Sam rolls her eyes.
“Do you want a wheelbarrow for that head of yours?” I chuckle with her before she continues.
“After that happened, I tried really hard to get back to where we were, but nothing worked,” she continues, “you kept getting further and further away.”
“And I knew I was the reason it was happening,” she finishes.
“But why Caleb?” Sam shrugs her shoulders.
“He’d been asking me out for weeks an
d I was totally confused and scared of my feelings for you so…” she pauses, “he seemed like a good way to get my head on straight.”
“I thought maybe I could eventually come to like him, maybe even love him,” she explains, “but it never happened. You and Kate happened.” Kate. Sam’s hopeful face drops at my change. I really shouldn’t be doing anything with Sam, but I really miss her.
“Sam, I still have Kate,” I inform her and her face falls even more. It breaks my heart to see it, but the truth is the same. I’m still with Kate and I can’t just go with Sam without first talking to her. Sam looks away, embarrassed.
“I see, yeah… Of course. I know that,” she babbles, “I just wanted you to know, I guess.” She gets up and starts walking away. Immediately, I feel the warmth leave with her. I start to feel the cold and very alone.
Can I really let her walk away again?
No. Sam is important to me. I don’t want her to leave. I let her walk away from me once and I don’t want to let that happen again. I leap to my feet and chase after her.
“Wait, Sa —” I barely touch her hand to stop her when she turns around and throws herself into my arms. Her mouth is on mine before I have a chance to finish what I want to say. I forget everything and just focus on the kiss. Sam’s lips working against mine sends a jolt through my body. Warmth and strength swell from my chest. With all the wrong that happened tonight, this feels right. This is what I’ve been missing.
“Thank god,” Sam exclaims after separating from our kiss, “I thought you were going to let me walk away again.” She shoots me a devilishly playful smile and I melt, I actually melt. There’s no way I can ever go back to Kate. Sam has completely taken my heart. It’s hers whole and unbroken.
“I love you too, Sam,” answering her, “I never really stopped.”
Looking into her eyes, they reflect the moon causing them to glow with her brilliant smile adding effect. I want to get lost in her, but instead I shut my eyes and cover her mouth with mine. I grab her head and deepen the kiss, taking full advantage of her moan by sticking my tongue in her mouth. I massage each one of her teeth one at a time, playfully dodging her tongue as I do so. Sam claws the back of my head as she lets out a frustrated sigh at my game. I smile before giving her what she wants and once again plunging my tongue in, this time to dance with hers. The satisfied moan she unleashes is almost too much to bear.
